


Bad Enough For You

by xXdark_passengerXx



Series: Crazy, Stalker, Obsessive Shizuo [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, Inspired by You (TV 2018), M/M, Oops, Out of Character, Shizaya - Freeform, barista shizuo, college student izaya, crazy shizuo, inspired by the amazing world of gumball, izaya seems like a saint next to shizuo, obsessive shizuo, one would think those two are unrelated, stalker shizuo, things are going to get kinda crazy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:21:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 109,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21982075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXdark_passengerXx/pseuds/xXdark_passengerXx
Summary: ❝you love to hate me when im chasing you;so i pretend that i dont care, ill stand you up to keep you here; ill make you hate me just enough to make you want me❞----"You piss me off," Shizuo growled, but not too much. He had to be interesting to catch Izaya's eye. That's what he loved. The unpredictable and unusual was what was around Izaya for a long time. He had to be interesting for Izaya, somebody who wasn't like anybody else. Somebody who would do something he would never expect."Oh? And here I thought we could have some fun." With a tilt of Izaya's wrist, the coffee landed all over his shirt. Shizuo hissed at the amused man. "See, isn't this fun?"Izaya laughed and Shizuo almost smirked. Got you.
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya, Orihara Izaya/Shiki Haruya
Series: Crazy, Stalker, Obsessive Shizuo [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1815814
Comments: 173
Kudos: 255





	1. Got You

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i started this literally three days ago or something like that, im not too sure. i was watching the amazing world of gumball and the episode "the fan" which is about an obsessive fan and then i started thinking about how the second season of you was about to come out and this happened. shizuos character is going to be reallllyyy similar to joe goldberg's in "you." i found it reallllyy alarming how many people wished that they had someone like joe in their life. just no (like rooting for a fictional character is completely different than wanting a character like that ;/ you know?). so yeah, this book may contain spoilers for you? i dont know, its inspired by it, so itll have similar themes i guess. anyway, enjoy!
> 
> edit:: forgot to mention this, but i’ve always loved coffee shop settings. there’s a book on here that i absolutely love, and that was what inspired me to have shizuo work at a coffee shop. the story’s called “carmine coffee,” one of my absolute favourites. go check it out!

  
Shizuo watched the man as he entered the coffee shop. Just like always, the man was here at eight in the morning. Shizuo knew he'd come. Every Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, he would come at eight, just ten minutes before his classes started— except for Thursdays; he would sit in the coffee shop for an hour with his coffee and watch the people around him since his classes started later on in the day. On Wednesdays, he would come a little later too. His classes started at ten.

Black coffee. It was always black coffee with no sugar. Shizuo watched once when the barista added some sugar as she spoke to her coworker. He hadn't said anything, only gave a bitter smile, but as soon as he got out, he shoved his coffee into a man's arms. 

He could still remember when he first saw the man. Shizuo didn't like coffee; it was too bitter for him and had a nasty aftertaste, but his friend recommended the place, so he thought that he might as well check it out. It wasn't like one cup of coffee was going to change anything, so he thought.

He remembers waiting for the crosswalk to change so he could cross the street, his foot tapping the ground impatiently and a cigarette between his lips. His eyes had fallen on the sign above the shop, and then at the man exiting. He had a sharp smile dancing across his lips with his red eyes glancing around, trying to observe everything in only a second. His head was held high as he walked out into the streets and disappearing into the crowd—or tried to anyway. Shizuo didn't lose him. Even with so many people around, the man stood out. Shizuo's eyes didn't leave the raven haired man until he made a turn somewhere.

Even now, as he walked towards Shizuo, his head was held high with the same amount of confidence he could only wish to have. He knew the man was actually the opposite than of how he portrayed himself. Nobody saw the man's sharp smile turn into a frown at times; nobody saw the hesitant way he would open his mouth when someone turned their backs to him; no one saw him slide against the wall of his dorm and cry until he couldn't.

Shizuo did. Shizuo saw it all. He wanted to hurt everything and everyone that hurt the man. He wanted to destroy the world so the man had no choice but to come to him—into his arms. He didn't understand how someone could not see past the facade; it was so obvious it hurt.

Ever since the first day he met him, Shizuo would wait by the same crosswalk. He would then follow the man to his university. University of Ikeburuko; he had to be extremely smart to pass the entrance exams. Shizuo had found someone to hack into the system for him; the man had passed everything with nearly a hundred percent, which made sense considering the private school he went to when he was younger. Shizuo doubted his intelligence for a minute; with the kind of money the man had and the private school he went to, it only made sense he got into such a prestigious university. But then Shizuo saw it. He walked into one of the university's buildings one day. The board with the exam results was the first thing he saw upon entering. Izaya Orihara was the first name he saw.

Shizuo decided to pay more close attention. He would follow him from his lecture hall to his dorm. His dorm was on the highest level, but Shizuo could still see from the bottom floor. Just to be sure that he didn't miss anything, Shizuo would climb the perfectly placed trees and watch.

Izaya got home from the library and classes at around four. He would then rest for an hour by either reading a book or just staring at the ceiling. At five, he would do some readings. He would begin his work for his job at ten. He was an aspiring information broker, but it didn't seem like he was too worried about his job just yet. He only spent a couple of hours working on it. At twelve or one, he would look at the time and sigh. He would always forget to eat until the cafeteria was already closed. So he would settle for some instant ramen. Shizuo would always frown when Izaya would take off his shirt to change his clothes. He was was too skinny; it couldn't have been healthy. Shizuo would've had some doubts, but he saw exactly how much the man ate in a day; the thinness made sense unfortunately. He already had a petit body type, but it wasn't just that.

Shizuo always watched with amazement. He would watch those red eyes scan through textbooks as if they were novels. Psychology and Sociology seemed to be what interested him the most. Shizuo would watch those eyes brighten up when reading. He would watch the man sigh as he took off his reading glasses and rub the tiredness from his eyes.

Shizuo knew everything about the man two steps away from him. Just to be closer to him and to finally make his move, he applied to the coffee shop. He had to apply twice, since he was rejected the first time, but he ended up finding a way to get the job. He had to find his way into the man's sight.

"Hi," the man greeted with his smile. It wasn't genuine or the smirk he would have on most of the times, but a smile he gave to people before he decided how he wanted to act around them. "You seem new."

Shizuo forced a gruff response. "Yeah."

He tilted his head and Shizuo caught a glint in his red eyes. "You don't say much, eh?" he questioned with a soft laugh. He held out a hand. "Izaya Orihara."

As if he hadn't already known that. "Shizuo," he grunted out. He had to have the right amount of aggressiveness or else it wouldn't work. He had to have the right amount of frown to his lips or else it wouldn't work. He had to have the right amount of narrowness to his eyes or else it wouldn't work.

"Shizuo" he tried on his tongue, his lips twitching up. Shizuo liked the way it sounded, he always knew he would. "Well, Shizuo, I would appreciate it if you got me a black coffee."

Shizuo nodded and began the order. He made it just the way he knew Izaya would like it. He watched every single thing the baristas would do and Izaya's response to each and every one of them. He knew exactly how to make the perfect coffee.

"So, you live around here?"

Izaya still seemed to be unsure of how he wanted to portray himself around Shizuo. He was hesitant, unsure of Shizuo was someone he only had to say good morning to or if Shizuo was someone he had to smile constantly to to keep suspicions away. None of those options were good. Shizuo knew exactly what to do.

"You could say that," he mumbled as he slid over the coffee. "$1.80."

Izaya handed him a toonie. "Thank you, you wonderful man. Let's see how great the new guy is."

"You piss me off," Shizuo growled, but not too much. He had to be interesting to catch Izaya's eye. That's what he loved. The mundane he enjoyed as well, but the unpredictable and unusual was what was around Izaya for a long time. He had to be interesting for Izaya, somebody who wasn't like anybody else. Somebody who would do something he would never expect.

"Oh? And here I thought we could have some fun." Shizuo saw the glint of amusement in his eyes and the flick of his wrist. He knew what was about to happen, but he had to let it occur. The coffee landed all over his shirt. "See, isn't this fun?" he said in a low voice.

Izaya laughed and Shizuo almost smirked. _Got_ _you_ _._


	2. The Things I Do For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive another chapter ready and i will publish it sunday! so stay tuned if youre interested. im also trying to work on the chapter after that because i know january is going to be hectic and if i dont write now, i wont until february.. and i know how awful it is to wait for updates.
> 
> hope you enjoy the chapter!!  
> and happy new year!!!

  
Izaya just had to believe the situation was in his hands. That he was in control. He had to believe that he was the one who chose to pour coffee all over Shizuo's shirt. He had to believe that Shizuo wasn't the one guiding his hands. He had to believe that Shizuo thought that Izaya wasn't interested as he walked out of the coffee shop without turning around. Shizuo knew though. Shizuo knew that if he turned around, it would be to see his expression; Izaya would want to indulge in it for as long as he could because he knew he wouldn't see the man again. However, he didn't turn around. If he didn't, that would mean that he didn't have to impatiently gauge out Shizuo's reaction. He had time. He had time to see all the different reactions he could get out of Shizuo. Shizuo had time.

That was four hours ago.

To anyone else, it may have looked like that Izaya was unaware of his surroundings. Shizuo knew not to be so naive. Shizuo knew that, even with the earbuds in his ears and the annoyed look on his face as he talked to his sisters, he knew so much more than anyone else.

Izaya grew up with twin sisters. His parents were never around, so he was basically their parent. But he wasn't. He was their brother. Of course they turned out a bit crazy, just like him. Izaya didn't need to feel guilty about it though; it wasn't his fault. He did what he could. Shizuo would make sure that Izaya never felt guilty ever again.

Shizuo glanced at his wrist and nearly growled. He only had twenty minutes left of his break. That wasn't a lot of time for what he wanted to do. His eyes drifted back up to Izaya. He could wait. He had time.

Shizuo walked around the library. Maybe he could still get a conversation out of Izaya. Izaya was smart; he liked books. Shizuo may not have been the most intelligent, but he liked to read. He knew quite a bit about books. Shizuo shook his head. Although it was the perfect opportunity, he couldn't have another conversation with Izaya. It would ruin everything. His suspicions would fly through the roof. Shizuo couldn't have that. He could wait. He had time.

——

Shizuo didn't glance at the door when it opened, its bell ringing to let the workers know a customer was coming. Shizuo already knew when he was constantly looking at the clock not even a minute ago. He already knew who it had to be.

He forced a scowl onto his face as he finally looked up when Izaya kept ringing the small bell by the counter. Izaya gave a smile. It was hard to scowl at Izaya for so long, especially when he smiled like that. Shizuo told himself that it wouldn't be for forever. Only a little way while longer. No matter how much it hurt, he kept his frown present on his face. _The things I do for you, Izaya._

"What?" he aggressively let out.

Izaya raised an eyebrow and smirked instead. "How rude, I was just coming in for a coffee. No need to be so hostile."

"What do you want," he growled out as he saw the amusement grow in those red eyes. Those perfect, beautiful red eyes. He had to force himself to focus. He couldn't get lost in them now, not yet.

"A black coffee, my dear Shizu-chan," he teased as he lowered his chin a bit. He was getting confident.

Shizuo forced his eyebrow to twitch. Really though, he was overjoyed. His heart was beating fast and his heart was bursting. A nickname. A nickname was good. One of Izaya's friend, Kadota, had a nickname. He couldn't think of any person that Izaya didn't like that was given a nickname. Shizuo stopped for a moment. Izaya's best friend, Shinra, didn't have a nickname. Shizuo tried not to think too hard about it; his goal wasn't to become Izaya's best friend.

"What did you call me?" he growled out as he clenched the counter angrily, but being careful not to break it.

Izaya feigned a look of ignorance. "What, don't you appreciate my nickname for you? I spent all night thinking about it, Shizu-chan!"

 _I appreciate it more than anything. I only wish it was only me you had a nickname for._ Shizuo deepened his scowl. "Don't call me that!"

Izaya shrugged. "Please make my coffee already. I cant tolerate you for a moment longer."

Shizuo decided that that was enough for now. He turned away from Izaya to make the coffee the same way he had yesterday. He hadn't missed Izaya's small smile as he drank it. It was Izaya's smile for him. _No one else should see it._

Once the coffee was made, he turned toward the raven, who had the same smile on his face. Shizuo took a step towards him, tilting his wrist.

"Oops," Shizuo let out unapologetically. He stared at the coffee all over Izaya's shirt. The man had his hands up and had taken a step back, clearly not expecting that, _and that was exactly what Shizuo was going for._ "You're right, this really is fun."

When Izaya looked up, his chin was higher. He was feeling insecure. He wasn't in control of the situation anymore— not like he ever had been, but he wasn't supposed to know that. That was exactly what Shizuo wanted. Izaya had to believe that the situation was in his hands most of the time. However, that wasn't how unpredictability worked. If Izaya always knew what was going to happen, Shizuo wouldn't have been in his life for very long.

Izaya opened his beautiful mouth to speak, but of course, his coworker saw what was happening and rushed over.

"Oh, my god, sir," he rushed out as he handed the raven several tissues. "We apologize for the inconvenience. He's new here and he's clearly not very steady. We can get you a new coffee and a refund."

Izaya gave a small laugh — the gorgeous laugh that melted Shizuo's heart— as he used the tissue to try and soak some of the coffee out of his shirt. "It's no big deal, really. I completely understand. Mistakes happen."

He looked directly into Shizuo's eyes when he said that. He smirked again. His coworker didn't seem to catch on though. "But—"

"Really, it's fine," he insisted as he smiled. "But I would appreciate it if he could make me another coffee."

"Of course he can!" The coworker shoved Shizuo towards the machine. "Won't you, Shizuo?"

Shizuo nodded his head, making it seem as if he couldn't get any words out at all. His coworker watched him for a few moments before leaving for their own duties. Shizuo roughly handed the coffee to Izaya

"My, my, Shizu-chan," he slowly drew out. "Keep growling like that and I'll think you're no more than a beast."

Shizuo growled as he tightened his grip on the edge of the counter. He heard a crack and averted his gaze to the sound. He broke the counter. He cursed himself in his mind; he was hoping to delay this part a little bit longer.

"What a monster," Izaya whispered as he leaned in to inspect the damage. He was merely inches away from his face. "I bet you could strangle everyone here in less than a minute."

"Shut up," Shizuo warned as he moved his hands away from the counter and took a step back. 

Izaya smirked and also took a step back. "If I do that, who else is going to remind you how beastly you are?"

He said nothing else as he turned around and left the shop, not looking back once. Shizuo grinned.

The grin fell when his coworker came back and began to scowl him about the counter. Shizuo sighed as he listened. _The things I do for you._

_——_

Shizuo was let out early because of the incident. He didn't know how to thank his coworker enough. Little did he know it wasn't a punishment to release Shizuo, but more of a reward.

Shizuo kept his head down but his eyes up high as he watched Izaya leave the campus building. His class had just ended and, according to his routine, he should've gone home. That was what was supposed to happen. Shizuo did not intend for the black car to stop on the side of the road and for Izaya to get in.

Shizuo growled when he saw who was sitting in the back seat. It was the Awakusu Executive, Izaya's client. Because they were the real deal, he never really found a way to get in on their meetings. But it was okay. Shizuo trusted Izaya. Izaya wouldn't do anything Shizuo didn't expect from him.

He tried not to think about Izaya relaxing and his shoulders dropping as soon as he got in the car.

Once they drove off, Shizuo took this opportunity to get another look around in Izaya's dorm room. Luckily for him, Izaya made it really easy by not having a roommate.

Shizuo slipped between the branches as he crawled his way to the window. It was never locked. Shizuo would be sure to lock everything once the two of them were together. He would protect Izaya. Izaya wouldn't have anything to fear. Izaya would relax in his arms and give him the most beautiful smile.

Shizuo landed with a thud in his room. He looked around. Everything was exactly the same. He stood up and walked to Izaya's bed. On the mattress was one of his laptops. Izaya had three: one for school, one for work, and one for leisure. Shizuo was sure that Izaya had his work and school laptops with him, but that was fine. Shizuo need to look at pictures anyway. Some private pictures that weren't school or work.

He stared at the password screen. At least Izaya had done something right. _But come on, love, you don't have to hide anything from me._

Shizuo thought of all the possibilities. Izaya wouldn't have written it down and it was extremely likely that the password wasn't a word, but more of a series of numbers and letters. Shizuo sighed as he dug into his backpack. He took out a laptop he had gotten from someone and plugged in some cords to connect his laptop to Izaya's. With a program he downloaded, he could crack the password. It didn't work at first, which was exactly what Shizuo had expected. He would be concerned if he found the password so easily. Luckily, he knew a guy who had him download this program. It was a lot of money, more than he made in three years, but it was worth it. He just had to do a few more clicks and Izaya's laptop unlocked.

The background was simple. Shizuo guided the cursor to one of the folders labelled "Pictures". He clicked on it and he praised Izaya for being so organized. _I knew you would not make things too difficult for me._

He looked at all the names of the folders. "'M&K's Birthdays,' 'Bora Bora,' 'Camping Trip,'" he mumbled out as he read through them. He decided to click on the 'Bora Bora' folder. He was sure he would find what he was looking for there. However, his cursor only hovered over it.

_I trust you, Izaya, but I need to know if anyone's taking advantage of you._

Izaya wouldn't obviously display any romantic relationships— not in public, anyway. He didn't have much of a public social media life, it wasn't really about him. He wouldn't go kissing his special person in the eyes of everyone else. He would do it on a private vacation. Perhaps a vacation to Bora Bora.

Shizuo wondered what kind of person exactly he had to be for Izaya. Unpredictability was good, but it wasn't a personality. Izaya wanted - _needed_ \- so much more than that. He needed someone who needed him just as much, someone who didn't fear anything, someone he could relax around, someone who had power—

Shizuo froze as he clenched his fists. _Someone like a Yakuza Executive._

Almost too roughly, he pressed down on the folder. It opened and revealed hundreds of photos. He didn't think Izaya would have so many, but he probably felt as if he needed a reminder to make sure what he had was real. _Sorry, love, but whatever it is, it's not._

He scrolled through the pictures and one caught his attention. He clicked on it and it enlarged. His fears were confirmed. The two of them were in the water. Izaya looked great. His hair was slicked back due to the water and his skin was so fair and smooth. The sun was setting, he could tell, and the colour reflected off of his skin. He was beautiful. Just like always. The problem was the Executive in the photo. He had his arms wrapped around Izaya's waist under the water as one of Izaya's arm was wrapped around his neck, his slim fingers running through those ugly brown locks. His other arm was outstretched to take the picture as he looked at the Executive through his black shades. Their lips were connected and Shizuo could see the strain of a smile on Izaya's lips.

_A strain. He had to be straining to smile. He wouldn't actually want to kiss someone like that. He had to be angry at that executive for bringing him in the water. Izaya couldn't swim and this guy should've known. Izaya wouldn't want to be with a guy this ignorant. He was too smart for that._

Shizuo shut down the laptop and put everything back in place. He was furious. He had come in here to calm his nerves. He was so confident Izaya wasn't with someone, but he came just to prove it to himself. But then there was that guy, thinking Izaya actually wanted to be with him. It was okay though, Shizuo thought to himself, Izaya didn't have to suffer any longer.

Shizuo's mind reeled back to the earlier scene of Izaya getting in the car. Who knows what those two were really doing. The executive was probably taking advantage of Izaya in some way. Izaya was probably being threatened.

Shizuo clenched his fist harder. He had to find a way into one of their meetings.

——

Shizuo opened the door to his apartment and toed off his shoes. He left his bag by the entrance and dropped to his couch, where another laptop was resting. He wasn't done yet. If he was going to find a way into their private meetings, he had to know who this guy exactly was. He doubted he would find anything by searching it up, so he had an alternate way.

He needed a username. He impatiently tapped his foot as he looked around his room. It didn't have to be smart.

The chat showed him his entrance and he typed out a search for an informant. He knew he wouldn't catch Izaya here. Izaya sold his information through a physical interaction; he wanted to see the reactions, the follow through. Whoever he found here couldn't care less about stuff like that. It was exactly who he needed.

_"I hear you're looking for information on a Yakuza."_

Shizuo stared at the reply he had gotten. He wasn't too sure how these chat rooms worked, but he took a guess that they were now privately talking.

Shizuo wrote, " _Yes. I know it won't be cheap, I'll be sure to compensate for your time."_

" _It might be too expensive for you. Since I'm feeling nice in a sort of way, I'll charge you ¥10 000 as an initial price."_

Shizuo could do that. He'd been saving some money anyway. For Izaya. _The things I do for you. I know you'll appreciate me one day._

_"I have an image. Send me his name, that's all I need._

Shizuo sent a photo he had gotten off of Izaya's laptop. Of course it wasn't the one he found of them kissing, he could never leak Izaya's information like that. There were a lot of candid photos Izaya had taken of the man alone.

" _Haruya Shiki."_


	3. One Day You’ll Learn

  
Shizuo scowled as he stared at the man. It was completely dark outside, way past midnight. What kind of influence was this Shiki guy on Izaya anyway? Izaya had classes tomorrow, he couldn't be up this late. It wasn't good for his health.

_Just you wait, Izaya. I'll look after you and your health. I'll put you over me any day._

Shizuo was standing behind a tree near Izaya's dorm. He waited for Izaya to get home, just to be sure that he safely made his way back. However, it was Shiki that decided to drop Izaya home. Shizuo wondered where they had been; was Izaya with Shiki _all_ day?

Currently, they were both talking. Shiki was sitting in the back seat as Izaya was standing right out the door. They had been talking like this for over fifteen minutes and Shizuo was beginning to get impatient. He had to force himself to not march right up there and shut the door on the Yakuza's face.

After what seemed like forever, Izaya leaned forward, probably to obscure the outside world from peeking in, but Shizuo could still see. He saw the same strained smile on Izaya's lip as he kissed Shiki. Shizuo growled.

Izaya waved before he made his way to his dorm room. Shizuo waited until he was inside the building to climb the trees. He was so glad nobody ever decided to look up every now and then. Technology was a guy's best friend. 

A minute later, the lights turned on as Izaya walked in. He locked the door behind him and threw his keys on a table near the entrance. Shizuo watched as he made his way into the bathroom, probably to change. Before he could focus on anything else, Shizuo's phone rang.

"Frick," he cursed under his breath as he reached into his back pocket to quickly silence the ringing. It was Kasuka calling. Why would he be calling now?

He gave a quick glance to Izaya's bathroom door. He was probably taking a shower, and Shizuo could only hope that it was going to be a long shower. Shizuo answered the call and waited for his brother to begin talking.

" _Brother?"_

Shizuo loved his brother, he really did, but now was really not the time. "Yeah, Kasuka?" he asked in a hushed whisper. "What's up?"

 _"I,"_ his voice trailed off. Shizuo furrowed his eyebrows. Kasuka was never this hesitant, especially with him. _"Are you okay?"_

"What do you mean?" Shizuo's voice got quieter as he watched Izaya find his way to his bed. No shower at all. He was probably too tired to do anything else and probably opted to sleep instead. He did exactly that.

_"I'm not too sure, honestly. I just felt the need to check up on you."_

"Yeah, well, I'm doing just fine."

_"All right then. Talk to you soon."_

Shizuo would never hang up so quickly on his brother. He sighed as he climbed out of the trees. One day Izaya would understand everything he had to do for him. It was all worth it. He would never regret anything he has done for Izaya.

Shizuo walked back to his own apartment, which was fairly new. He had gotten it near Izaya's university as another way to be closer to him. Shizuo smiled as he stared up at the sky. _Don't worry, Izaya. Ill make sure you're happy. In order to do that, I have to deal with the problems in our way first._

_——_

"I'm sure you know what I would like by now."

It was Wednesday, so Izaya had come a little later than usual. It seemed like despite coming home so late, he still managed to get home on time. Shizuo began to wonder if it was a regular occurrence. Ever since he had begun to watch Izaya, he hadn't seen Izaya come home too late. Then again, he never had enough time before to watch Izaya at night. He used to have night shifts at the coffee shop, but recently, he asked to change his availability hours.

Shizuo growled. "Why would I care enough to remember?"

Izaya feigned hurt as he gave a light hearted gasp. "How could you, Shizu-chan? And here I thought that we were actually friends!"

_I don't want to be your friend. I want to be someone more._

"Like someone would ever want to be friends with you," Shizuo grumbled as he began to prepare the coffee. "You seem like a sleep-deprived creep to me."

"Now, now, Shizu-chan," Izaya warned in a fake cheery voice. "That's just rude. I have friends, but I can't say the same for you. Who would want to be friends with such a monster?"

Shizuo abruptly turned towards Izaya, the coffee spilling out of the cup by the sudden motion. "What did you say?"

Izaya smirked as he looked at Shizuo with his lowered chin. Izaya was either beginning to get more comfortable around Shizuo or he was feeling confident; or both, in a way. He could've been feeling comfortable around Shizuo _because_ he was feeling confident.

"I said," Izaya drawled out as he leaned forward, his hands resting in the surface of the counter. "Not everyone wants to be friends with such a beast."

Shizuo gave a warning growl as he crushed the cup in his hand, the little bit of coffee left in the cup spilling over his hands. The amusement in Izaya's eyes only seemed to grow as he watched Shizuo's reaction.

_Izaya, you're not as smart as you think._

Shizuo wanted to show Izaya his own arrogant smirk. Izaya didn't know that he really wasn't the one in control, but that was exactly how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to think that _he_ was angering Shizuo, that _he_ was provoking this reaction. He had to think that _he_ was causing his own amusement. Shizuo internally sighed. _One day, you'll learn._

"Shizuo!"

Shizuo cursed as he turned to his right. Of course his coworker was there. He might have to deal with him later too if he kept interfering like this. Shizuo glared at him unintentionally, nothing but promised danger in his eyes.

"I know!" he groaned out as he began preparing another cup of coffee. He knew all the wasted coffees were coming out of his pay cheques, but it was okay. _Anything for you, Izaya._

He shoved the coffee towards Izaya, who only stared at him. He raised an eyebrow as he accepted the coffee. Shizuo furrowed his. What was Izaya thinking right now? Usually, he had a good idea, but he wasn't too sure at the moment. _You should like me even more._

"You don't see a beast like you everyday, you know." His tone was the slightest bit quieter, but still held the cheeriness it always did. Nobody else would have noticed, but Shizuo did. He was the only one who should be able to notice. "It's unnatural."

"The hell you goin' on about?" Shizuo scowled, forcing his face to contort into hatred. It was so difficult to, especially with the little bit of uncertainty in Izaya's eyes. _This is exactly how it should be. I should be the only one to make you uncertain._

"It would be great to study such a temperamental monster." He took a sip of his drink. When he lowered the cup, he grinned widely. "You'd be the perfect subject to write about for my essay!"

Shizuo was not expecting that. Not so soon, anyway. Either he was getting closer to Izaya than he expected or the essay just so happened to be at a convenient time. He was going with the latter; Izaya still didn't have the look needed in his eyes to trust him. 

"What?" he yelled as slammed his hand on the counter, breaking off another piece. Izaya watched with astonished eyes and smirked, looking at Shizuo from a lowered gaze. Shizuo clenched his fists. "You think I'm—"

"Oh, don't take it personally," Izaya interrupted as he glanced around the shop. "Look around. What's so special about my lovely humans? I'll tell you, they're predictable. See that man over there?"

Shizuo's eyes followed Izaya's subtle point of finger. It was to a man sitting near the window, a laptop sitting in front of him. Shizuo scoffed as he glared at Izaya. "Yeah—"

"He's an aspiring writer. You can tell with his glancing around as he looks for some inspiration. If it were related to school, you'd see another tab open, probably a textbook or his assignment page. If it were for work, he would be holding his head in his hands and looking fearful. No, he's a writer; the stressful look of not knowing what to write about, but it's not so stressful that he feels as if his life is going to end," Izaya explained, giving him a quick glance before returning his gaze. "He looks like he's at his breaking point. He's married, but his nervous look and jittery legs— he's guilty."

"About—"

"About what, you ask? Well, isn't it obvious?" Izaya grinned, as he was about to tell great news. "He has a mistress. He loves her more than his wife, it's why he's struggling. He wanted to write about her, but he knows his wife will catch on. So, anyway, he's about to do something irrational. He's going to call his wife to the café and tell her. She's going to look like she's about to cry, but then refuse to, since in a way he'll win. She'll grab his coffee and slam it into his face because she isn't able to think of pouring it over his head. She'll roughly take off her ring and throw it beneath her shoes, and storm out. He won't cry. He'll only look relieved."

Shizuo stared agape. _God, Izaya, I would literally murder someone for you. I didn't think it was possible for me to love you any more. You could be screaming how much you hate me, but if the words were coming out of your lips, I would only fall in love even more. No one else should hear you say your brilliant thoughts._

Izaya stared at Shizuo for a few seconds before raising his head. Shizuo noticed and grimaced. _Shizuo, you're such an idiot! You took too long to respond and now he thinks you're unimpressed. Give him a response or a reason to stay._

Before Shizuo could speak, Izaya laughed. "I guess some things are too complex for a protozoan like you to understand, ne? Anyway, my lovely humans are such wonderful creatures! But I think you're better suited for my assignment. I cant tell what you're thinking or what you're going to do. I hate you for it."

"What's in it for me?"

Izaya stared and blinked twice. He gave another one of his laughs, one Shizuo only became saddened by. _You don't need to fake your laugh in front of me. I would do anything for your genuine smile._

"There you go, saying things I would never expect you to," Izaya praised. Shizuo actually wasn't sure in what tone Izaya meant to convey his message in, but Shizuo felt as if he were a dog being praised for his good work. Shizuo didn't mind. Only Izaya could make him feel so wonderful.

Izaya smirked and turned around. "I'll see you here today at four. I'm sure your shift will be done by then."

"Wait, I never agreed!" he called after Izaya. He was only ignored. Shizuo felt some smugness creep onto his face. Izaya made life so much easier for him. He was a bit worried on how to accept his offer without seeming too eager.

_One day, you'll learn all about our struggles and how we overcame them with each other. One day you'll learn of how easy you made life for me. One day you'll learn that this is why we're meant to be together— you solve my problems for me while being completely unaware. One day you'll learn just how much I love you._

_——_

A woman walked in. The man stood up. She walked towards him. He opened his mouth. She was on the verge of tears. She grabbed his coffee. She threw it at him. The coffee spilt all over his clothes, but he didn't seem to care. She yanked off her ring. She threw it across the shop. She glared at him one last time. She stormed out. The man gave a sigh of relief.

Shizuo was amazed. Izaya could tell exactly how close someone was to breaking down. Izaya knew exactly what the both of them would do. He knew exactly what the both of them were feeling. He could do all this with everyone except with him. Shizuo smirked. Izaya basically gave away his weakness. He basically let Shizuo know that he was winning. Shizuo shook his head with a sigh. _Don't worry, Izaya, I'll make sure you don't give away your weaknesses so easily to people. I'll make sure you don't even have to worry about slipping up._

His eyes flew to the clock. Izaya should be here any minute now. Shizuo smiled as he thought about Izaya. Izaya thought he was being subtle, but Shizuo could see it in his eyes; he was slowly becoming more and more interested in Shizuo. It was a slow process, but it was worth it. It could've been a lot slower, but some circumstances were speeding it up.

All day, Shizuo thought about the problems trying to come in between the both of them. There was Shiki and his coworker. His coworker wasn't that bad; he just had to get through a few more arguments with Izaya and a few more interruptions from his coworker, and then it would all be over. Once Izaya and Shizuo finally got together, their coworker wouldn't bother them anymore. He just had to deal with it for a little while longer, unless his coworker did something drastic.

The bell rang and Shizuo's eyes shot up. Not Izaya.

Shiki was a much greater interference. With him around, Shizuo would never make it to the end. No matter how far he got, he would never be able to be with Izaya. Not with Shiki prancing around Izaya, acting as if he cared. Shizuo thought of some ideas, a few that were extreme, but he was a little stuck. Say he wanted to permanently get rid of Shiki, how would he do that? The man was literally in the Yakuza, and he wasn't just any guy in the Yakuza, he was an executive. He was an important man. People would look. People would want revenge— if he even made it that far. He wasn't even able to listen in on their meetings, yet he was supposed to get rid of him? It was near impossible, but Shizuo was thinking. Besides, if Izaya knew Shiki had died, his fragile heart would mourn for the rest of his life. Shiki had Izaya in the illusion that what they had was real— that it was love.

Another bell. Not Izaya.

_Don't worry, Izaya. I'll show you what real love is. It's what we have._

So, he had to find a way to get rid of Shiki without Izaya knowing he was dead. He had to somehow break Izaya's heart so Izaya wouldn't think he died. That meant he needed Shiki's phone to plot a plan to get Izaya away from Shiki. That meant he needed to Izaya's phone to get Shiki alone. 

The bell rang.

He would need to get Izaya's phone today.

"What, you're not done working yet?"

Shizuo looked up and saw Izaya grinning up at him. _One day, you'll learn all the things I do for you._


	4. Anything For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be published like a week ago oops. the chapter was finished, all i had to do was look over it and publish, but school decided to be a pain ;/ i finally have some time since school is basically just studying for exams now, so heres a new chapter ;)) enjoy

  
"What drives you?"

"What?" Shizuo yelled out as he slammed his hand on the table. He growled as he leaned forward in attempt to intimidate the other. He knew it was nothing more than a weak attempt. "What the hell is it that supposed to mean?"

"You know," Izaya began, twirling his pen between his fingers the same way he did with his switchblade in his room alone at night. The same way that had Shizuo's eyes entranced. "What motivates you?"

"To do what?" _You, Izaya. You drive me insane. You motivate me to do everything I do. "_ What kind of bull assignment is this?"

Izaya rolled his eyes but then a smirk worked its way up to his lips. "I have to write an essay on a being with strange motivations and analyze them, which is exactly why you're perfect. What's better than a monster like you?"

_You just gave away that you're going to try and figure me out, meaning you haven't done so already. It seems like you haven't understood the slightest bit of me. Perfect._

"What was the question again?" Shizuo grumbled as he glared at Izaya, who only looked at him with those bright red eyes.

"Let's break it down. Why do you get out of bed in the morning?" he asked instead, holding the tip of the pen as the other end of it was on his chin.

"To get to work."

"Why do you work?"

"For money."

"Why do you need money?"

"So I can eat," he growled out. He had to make it seem as if he were getting annoyed by the countless questions. "This is pointless."

"It's not," Izaya defended as he took a look at his almost blank notepad. "You're just not giving me the right answers."

"Like hell I'm not!" He clenched his fists. Shizuo didn't realize that Izaya would figure out his lies. He knew Izaya had the ability, but he didn't think he would be able to get through him. Shizuo tried so hard to construct himself that way.

"Shizu-chan—"

"And don't call me that!"

Izaya sighed as he looked outside. "I used to not get up in the morning."

Shizuo furrowed his eyebrows at the quiet tone. He didn't think he would get personal with Izaya so soon. He should be expecting things like this to happen much sooner though. He had apparently underestimated himself. "What?"

"I don't like my parents. I didn't want to see them. They were never home, but the few days that they were," Izaya stopped as he smiled, "were terrible. Everything I did during my teenage years was to spite them, to disappoint them. When I became an adult, I realized they never were disappointed or annoyed. They couldn't care less because they didn't care about me."

Shizuo stayed silent as Izaya looked back at him with the same eerie smile. Inside, he was _raging_. How could anyone ever not care for Izaya?"That's what drove me when I was younger. Trying to anger my parents, trying to make them hate me. Well, before I realized I was indifferent to them."

Shizuo realized that he told his past. He didn't tell Shizuo what currently motivated him. Shizuo internally smiled at the clever boy. He'll realize that he can trust Shizuo soon.

"That's what I mean. Why do you do what you do. Do you let your actions be guided by your hate or by your love? What are you passionate about? Just how far are you willing to go for your goal?"

Shizuo stared into Izaya's eyes. The answer for Izaya was right there, but he didn't know about it just yet, and it was too soon for Shizuo to tell him. Maybe he could, in a way, without giving away who exactly he was talking about. A little lie never hurt anyone.

"My brother, Kasuka, I guess is who I would do anything for." _You, Izaya, I would do anything for you. I'm talking about you._ Shizuo began to imagine all the things he would do for Izaya. "I would burn the city down, I would destroy anyone who came close to him. I would do anything for him. I hate violence more than anything, but for him, I would be worse than the monster that's been fabricated in everyone's mind about me. I would do anything— _anything_ for you—" Shizuo froze for a split second, "–Hei Hanejima. Yuuhei is his stage name."

Izaya stared at him for a minute before smiling. "I can see it in your eyes, Shizu-chan." _What, Izaya? Can you see my love for you?_ "Tell me, why would you go this far for him?"

"I love him," was Shizuo's immediate response.

"But why?"

Shizuo didn't even need to think about it. "I look at his smile and I want to protect it. He's got this smile that I would die protecting for. He's so clever and intelligent and graceful. The way he," Shizuo stopped himself again. He was sounding like he had romantic feelings for his brother. _The way you look at me captures me._ "His personality is amazing."

Izaya tapped his pen against the table. Shizuo didn't notice the smirk until now. "And what's his personality like?"

"He's hysterical. He's terrible. He's wicked in more ways than one. He's seen as a danger to society, and maybe that's why I feel so close to him. I feel like he's just like me," Shizuo answered, already knowing what the next question will be.

"A danger to society, you say?" Izaya looked up from his notepad, a dangerous glint in his eyes. Shizuo smiled at it unconsciously. "How?"

"Let your imagination do wonders."

Izaya set aside his notepad and leaned on his elbows as he placed them on the table, his chin in his hands. Shizuo wanted to reach out and caress his cheeks to soften his sharp eyes. He wanted to lean forward and kiss the man. He wanted to feel the danger slip away from the both of them. He just wanted Izaya in his arms.

"You're like this completely different person, Shizu-chan, when you speak about your brother. I've got to meet this guy," he commented as he stood up. Shizuo was tempted to pull him back down, but he had to remind himself that now wasn't the right time.

"There's no such thing as cancelling something out." Izaya looked down at him. "You won't become less of a monster if you're with your brother, Shizu-chan. In fact, you'll only be more dangerous together."

He watched Izaya walk out of the shop. Shizuo smirked as he leaned back, watching the figure gracefully slip away from him. _That's where you're wrong, Izaya. Whenever I'm with you, I don't feel like a monster._

_—_

Shizuo let out a possessive growl. Izaya was in his dorm room, and for some reason, Shiki was with him. Why, he wondered. How was Shiki even allowed into his dorm? Shizuo realized that it may have had to do with the fact that he was sort of the mafia.

The two were on Izaya's bed, and luckily, both of their clothes were still on. Shizuo gave out a sigh of relief. The thing was though they were both kissing and Shiki was putting his hands all over Izaya, that led to Izaya straddling the other's lap. Shizuo had to do something to protect Izaya.

Shizuo looked around. He found a rock, but that would be too obvious. It was a windy day. He needed something that would travel by the wind— something light enough, but something that also had enough weight to cause a disruption.

He looked up at the branch. The branch was nearly half a metre away from Izaya's window. It could easily hit it if there was more wind... or if Shizuo pushed it towards it. It was a big risk, but Shizuo had no other choice.

He climbed the trees as he normally would, but stayed back for a moment. Izaya's back was towards him, so that meant if he were going to get caught, it would be by Shiki. Shizuo couldn't let that happen. Instead, he slowly crept his way through the tree and towards Izaya's window. Fortunately, the perverted man was busy with Izaya, like he was lost and had no way getting back out. _Only you have the kind of effect on people. I should be the only one getting lost with you, Izaya._

Shizuo was now two metres away from where he needed to be. Shiki's eyes would open every now and then, probably to take in the sight of Izaya. Shizuo slowly made his way to the end of the branch. He realized this was a lot more difficult for him than he originally thought. He took a glance up and saw another branch. Guess he had to improvise. All he had to do was swing that one down onto the window.

Shizuo slowly reached up, but when he saw Shiki's hand slip under Izaya's shirt and caress the skin on his bare back, Shizuo saw nothing but red. He grabbed the branch ahead of him and pulled it with a quiet grunt. He immediately jumped down to get out of the way and ran to the end of the wall to his right, where he hid behind another tree.

He didn't realize how hard he pushed until he saw the glass fragments on the ground and the branch half torn from the tree. Shizuo cursed himself. Izaya was closer to the window. He would have taken the damage of some glass that flew a bit too far far. Shiki would've been fine.

He saw Shiki poke his head out of the window and look around. He saw the tree, but he probably thought more of it because he kept looking around. His eyes landed on the tree Shizuo was hiding behind. Shizuo knew Shiki assumed it was more than an accident. Shiki knew someone else was here.

Shiki's head disappeared and Shizuo waited. If Izaya wasn't the one to investigate, then that meant Izaya wasn't okay. Shizuo clenched his fists in anger.

_I'm so sorry, Izaya. I would never intentionally hurt you. I promise I'll try harder to prevent another incident like this from happening. You have to understand, I' m only trying to protect you. You're not in your right mind._

Shizuo decided to rake his chances. He pulled his hood up and pushed his blue-tinted glasses up his face. He took a few steps back and walked in the direction of Izaya's window, where he was just moments before climbing the tree.

He saw Izaya, biting his bottom lip in pain as Shiki carefully took the shard out. Shiki caressed Izaya's side soothingly and Shizuo growled again. At least this was much better than what was going to happen before. He knew neither of them would be in the mood anymore to do what they were about to do, especially with the way Izaya was hissing at the rubbing alcohol against his back. Shizuo wanted to punch the man giving light kisses to Izaya's neck. _Not yet. Don't worry, Izaya. I'll give you as many kisses as you want and anywhere you'd like._

Once they were done, Shizuo saw Shiki lay Izaya back on his bed. He kissed his forehead and laid beside him after he turned off the lights, his fingers running through Izaya's hair in, what Shizuo guessed, was _supposed_ to be a soothing manner.

Shizuo had to get rid of him as soon as possible. He was the reason Izaya got hurt tonight.

——

Shizuo glanced at the clock. It was a quarter past eight and Izaya still wasn't here yet. He understood; today was Izaya's human watching day anyway, and after his little injury last night, it made sense he wasn't on time.

The bell jingled and Shizuo's eyes shot up but then he grimaced. It wasn't Izaya. It was Shiki. Shizuo clenched his fists on the counter, this time out of real anger. He watched the man imitate his glare as he walked to the counter.

"Shizuo Heiwajima?" he asked as he looked Shizuo up and down with his eyes. His eyes landed on the name tag.

"What do you want?" Shizuo aggressively let out through gritted teeth. Shizuo didn't understand why he was here instead of Izaya. Izaya didn't even have that bad of an injury; he could still walk and function with it. It would only cause an inconvenience and a flare of pain every now and then.

Shiki leaned forward, probably to make him seem a bit intimidating. Shizuo scoffed at the thought. As if someone like him could scare him. People like him only angered Shizuo, and he was more than happy to show Shiki just how angry he was at the moment.

"Stay away from Izaya," he drawled out. "I don't know who you think you are, but you're not as innocent as everyone believes you are."

Shizuo's eyes narrowed as another piece of the counter broke off. His coworker was going to be pissed. It was a miracle he hadn't gotten himself fired yet, but he wasn't complaining. He would just convince them to keep him here. He would use the same method he was thinking of using on Shiki.

"And how the hell do you know who I am?" Shizuo questioned in a silent whisper. "You some stalker?"

Shiki laughed as he slammed his hand flat against the counter. "This isn't a game. If anything, I'd say you're keeping a close eye on Izaya, no?"

"I don't know what you're implying—"

"You were there last night," he interrupted. "You don't think it's some coincidence that Izaya just so happens to meet this new guy at a coffee shop he visits everyday? This new guy just so happens to know exactly how to act around Izaya."

"You think I—"

"I _know_ you've created this persona to deceive him," Shiki emphasized in a low voice. "You act in a way that keeps him amused. You were there last night, you broke his window— I _know_ it was you."

Shizuo scoffed as he rolled his eyes. "And what's an old man like you going to do about it? You think anyone's going to believe you, even if it were true?"

"No." He shook his head, a smirk creeping its way up to his lips. "No, I'm not telling anyone. Izaya's heart would be broken if he found out someone managed to trick him. So, no, I'm not telling Izaya."

"Then what's your game plan, Shiki?" he asked, feeling much more irritated. He never felt so angry before. He was basically being threatened to stay away from his love. "You clearly have some sort of plan, don't you?"

"But of course," he chuckled out before his serious demeanour was back. "I'm going to do everything I can to keep you away from Izaya. I didn't give you my name and I doubt Izaya showed you a picture, so that clearly proves my point if anything else didn't."

Shizuo was reminded who he was arguing with. He slightly backed off. He was a Yakuza, he had men, he had sources. "Keep... me away?"

"I'm sure you know not to mess with me. I know a lot of people, Heiwajima. I ruin lives for a living. I'm a dangerous man, and it's in your best interest to stay away," he warned as he too back off, straightening up as he fixed the cuffs of his sleeves. "Or things are going to get even more out of hand."

"You can't do that," Shizuo growled out.

Shiki began to walk out, but at the door with his hand on the handle, he looked over his shoulder and Shizuo's shoulders tensed at the smirk on his face. Shizuo wasn't scared, he was furious.

"Watch me."


	5. That Was The Problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally had my last exam today! funny enough, it was actually for english.. so i thought i might as well write a chapter while my mind is still in its writing mode or something. its also shizuos birthday!! originally, i wanted to make a separate one shot, but it completely slipped my mind :/ i guess theres always next year
> 
> anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter

The phone.

He forgot Izaya's phone.

How could he be so _stupid_?

Shizuo slammed his head against the counter, his head just missing the register. He heard a crack beneath his head, but he couldn't care less. He made the most stupid mistake he could have ever made. How could he have let this happen?

_"What drives you?"_

Shizuo's eyes softened. Right, Izaya had been too distracting with the way he smirked and with the way he called Shizuo _perfect_ through what was supposed to be an insult.

_"A danger to society, you say?" Izaya looked up from his notepad, a dangerous glint in his eyes._

_Shiki was putting his hands all over Izaya, that led to Izaya straddling the other's lap._

_He saw Izaya, biting his bottom lip in pain as Shiki carefully took the shard out._

_The bell chimed and Shizuo's eyes shot up_. _It wasn't Izaya._  
  
_"I'm going to do everything I can to keep you away from Izaya."_  
  
_"Watch_ _me_."

Shizuo growled as he gritted his teeth. Everything from yesterday rushed through his mind. Izaya telling him about his past, Izaya and Shiki kissing, the broken shards of glass, Izaya getting hurt, and Shiki's empty threat. So much had happened in the span of twenty four hours, he couldn't have possibly remembered to steal Izaya's phone.

Shizuo shook his head. No, that wasn't an excuse. He had to remain in control of the situation if he wanted to be with Izaya. He couldn't let himself get distracted by those _entrancing red eyes_ — He just couldn't! Nor could he get distracted by his anger toward Shiki! He couldn't mess up again— screwing up once already cost him so much. He couldn't afford another slip up.

 _You freaking idiot,_ he internally yelled at himself. _Everything is going to fail now. You know what this could lead to? Yeah, I bet you know. A slip up like this could have—_

Shizuo shook his head again, this time more viciously. Mistakes happened. If he let this beat him up, he would only continue to screw up. Letting his mistakes get to him would only lead to one thing: Izaya no where near him. Currently, that was exactly what was happening.

_"Watch me."_

He had more important matters to deal with. Right now, he needed to backtrack a bit. His original plan was to deal with Shiki, and to do that he needed him alone, which required Izaya's phone. Now, he needed to casually bump into Izaya without looking like some stalker, since Shiki decided to keep him away from—

"Maybe I should spill coffee on you to get your attention again. It kind of seems like our thing."

Shizuo's head snapped up, his gaze locking onto Izaya. He blinked twice, staring at the man three feet or so away from him, only separated by the counter. Izaya's eyes were as vibrant as ever, brighter than the red he saw last night on his back.

Izaya tilted his head as he snapped his fingers in front of Shizuo's face. Shizuo only stared at him. That's when Shizuo's eyes fell to the figure standing half a foot behind Izaya, like some kind of bodyguard.

Shizuo internally chuckled to himself as a smirk threatened to make its way to his face. Shiki and him both were so concerned with each other, they forgot Izaya wouldn't listen to reason. Shiki should've known nothing scared Izaya— not the same way other people got scared. He should've known Izaya wouldn't listen to staying at home all day until Shiki's paranoia wore off. Shizuo should've known.

His eyes lingered on the not-so-subtle-looking bodyguard. He guessed this was what a comprise looked like

Izaya must've caught his stare. He grinned as he latched his arms around the bodyguard's arm. "This is my buddy for the next few days."

The bodyguard didn't flinch or change his expression at all when Izaya grabbed his arm. He could see some kind of look in his eyes, as if he were used to this kind of thing. Shizuo glared at the man. Izaya should be wrapped around _his_ arm.

"So!" Izaya happily interrupted his train of thoughts. "Would you be a dear and make me my coffee, Shizu-chan?" he asked as he looked up at his 'buddy,' silently asking if he wanted anything. Shizuo could see the question in Izaya's eyes, by the bodyguard shook his head. Shizuo got started on the drink.

"Why a bodyguard?" Shizuo found himself asking, less bite to his tone than usual. He could only hope it didn't sound off to the raven. "You scared I'm gonna beat you so hard and leave you somewhere where no one's gonna find you?"

"As if I could ever be scared of Shizu-chan!" He giggled as he tugged on the arm he was holding. "Buddy here is more of a... reassurance, I guess you could say. He's here to help calm some minds."

Before Shizuo could say anything, he heard some coins dropping onto the counter and he felt the drink get snatched out of his hands. He could do nothing but stare at his now empty hands in shock. His eyes did drift to Izaya though, who was grinning like always, his hand in the air as he wiggled his fingers.

"Bye, Shizu-chan!"

And in another blink of an eye, he was gone. Shizuo just barely restrained himself from punching the counter again. Shiki really was keeping a close eye on Izaya. The bodyguard seemed as if he had done this more than a few times before, so he was probably an expert at noticing some things, such as _someone_ trying to steal a phone. To make it even better, the bodyguard was also probably told to specifically keep watch on this _someone._

Shizuo snarled. In the end, his self restraint did nothing. The counter broke.

——

Shizuo hadn't seen Izaya at all for the rest of the day, and only saw him again the next day. Shizuo didn't try to see what Izaya was up to or what he was doing. Now that someone was watching Izaya and his surroundings, he had to be even more careful. No more slip ups. No more beating himself up over what's already been done.

He couldn't remember the last time he went so long without seeing Izaya. It had nearly been twenty four hours before the raven was walking in with his chin held up as usual, the bodyguard no more than a foot away.

"Shizu-chan!" he cheered as he planted his palms on the newly replaced counter, leaning in a bit. His coworker had seen it coming and had already called in some people to fix it. They worked fast.

Izaya's 'buddy' seemed a bit more on guard, his hand flew to where Shizuo assumed his belt would be. Izaya gave the man behind him a glance with a laugh as his fingers caught the other's wrist, probably to reassure him. The man didn't look convinced.

"So your assignment," Shizuo started, hoping to advance his tasks. He was hoping Izaya still needed him to answer some questions or anything really; he just needed a way to get Izaya's phone, and the best way to do that would be to do it while they were 'hanging out.' "You hand it in yet or what?"

Izaya's eyes fell back on him as he let out a giggle. "Of course I did. I even got my mark for it; TAs work fast when they want to."

Shizuo tried to keep his frustrations from showing. He had such a good opportunity a few days ago; Izaya was alone with no one watching him, and they were talking— Izaya seemed distracted, or more unguarded than usual. His fists clenched as he tried not to think about it too hard. He couldn't beat himself over it.

"Good, I'm glad I don't have to deal with you for a second longer," he growled out as he tried his best to keep his eyes from drifting to the man behind him. There was something about him, as if he were ready to shoot him if he came any closer to Izaya. Shizio grimaced; it was worse than he originally thought.

"Well, actually," he dragged his voice out as his chin dropped the slightest bit, "I do need you for something else. Don't think you can get rid of me so easily."

Shizuo narrowed his eyes as he began making a cup of black coffee. The other man didn't even need to ask at this point, but Shizuo was trying his best to make it as slow as possible so he would be able to talk to Izaya more.

"And what makes you think I'm gonna help you?" he asked in a low tone, his voice promising nothing but danger. Izaya eyes flared at this. The tone of his voice did exactly what he had hoped for. "I want nothing more than to punch the smug smirk off your face."

"Aw, but Shizu-chan!" he whined as his smirk only grew. "I promise to pay you this time!"

Shizuo immediately froze, the coffee he was currently pouring into the cup spilt onto the floor instead. Izaya was going to _pay_ him? For what? Just how different was this favour from the last one?

"I see I got your attention!" Shizuo looked at Izaya and glared. Izaya gave a small glance at the clock behind him. "I don't like revealing my hand before the fun actually starts, so I'll only tell you this—"

"No," he shook his head and shoved the newly poured coffee to Izaya the same way he had shoved it any other day. "Now get out."

Izaya grabbed the coffee. His chin was practically digging into his chest. He must've been overly confident. Shizuo had never seen him _so_ sure before. "I'll be back around four again. That seemed to work for you last time, right?"

Shizuo said nothing as Izaya turned around and looped his arm around his buddy's. Shizuo could only watch Izaya leave. He had a good yet bad feeling about this favour.

—

Shizuo glanced at the clock for the millionth time that hour. It was nearing four and he was feeling overly nervous. He didn't know why; he had never felt nervous about Izaya before, but there was just something about the lilt of his voice that put Shizuo off. It put Shizuo on edge, and Shizuo felt as if he were on death row— No, that wasn't right. Izaya could make him feel as if he were waiting for a death sentence, but not in the same context; Shizuo would die for Izaya, but Izaya never made Shizuo feel as if he were the one behind the trigger.

"Shizuo, something on your mind?"

Looking up, Shizuo saw Togusa, one of Shizuo's only friend. He was a good guy and they were pretty close, but Shizuo always felt as if there was something he was hiding behind his eyes. He never dug into it, it wasn't his business; Izaya was his only business.

"I'm just meeting someone later," Shizuo drawled out as he tried to be as vague as possible. He turned towards the coffee machine and began to make what Togusa usually got. "I don't wanna mess anything up, you know?"

No, he wouldn't know. No one could ever know the love he felt for Izaya. No one could ever know just how badly he could screw this all up.

"Yeah, I get you." Liar. "But you shouldn't worry too hard—"

 _'You shouldn't_ _worry too hard'?_ Shizuo exclaimed in his mind as he internally scoffed. _As if that would just make everything better._

"—like you," he heard the other man finish off.

"Sorry, could you repeat that?" Shizuo asked. Togusa did this thing; he didn't know the situation at all, he didn't understand anything, yet he saw right through everything in a way.

"I'm sure the guy likes you," he gently repeated with a small smile. Togusa was a self-reserved kind of guy. He dropped some coins onto the counter. "If he's able to look past your scowls and the aggressive features you display, Im sure you've got nothing to worry about."

"I never said it was a date."

"Me neither." Shizuo saw the sly look in his eyes as he swiftly grabbed his coffee and went out the door. He reminded him of Izaya, though the two were completely and utterly different; Togusa wasn't near as deceitful or as graceful.

No one could ever compare to Izaya. Every step he took was just as calculated as everything else; not once had he ever seen him falter or become hesitant when something didn't go his way— mostly because he believed everything was going his way. Besides, his walk wasn't one of his tells; his chin was. Whenever he lowered or raised his head, it was still as graceful as everything else he did.

He could imagine it in his head; his right eyebrow arched perfectly, his lips quirked into what was a mix of a smirk and a grin, the laugh that did wonders to Shizuo's heart. That man was literally the walking definition of perfection. Nobody deserved to lay their eyes on him—

"Ring ring!" Shizuo's eyes flickered up and he hid a smile. Izaya leaned on his right foot as he shrugged. "I was going to ring the bell you usually have laying around, but it seems as if you've moved it."

"Yeah, so annoying fleas like you don't overuse it," Shizuo scoffed out as he watched Izaya's buddy from his peripheral vision. He seemed a lot more calm than this morning. Izaya had probably sweet talked his ears off. It probably didn't require very much effort; anyone would listen to Izaya in a heartbeat. That was the problem.

"Oh, that's rude," he whined with a grin. "You've been working since this morning, haven't you? Is your shift not done yet?"

"I decided to work a little extra," he explained as he slipped the apron off. "But I haven't agreed to this favour of yours."

"Trust me, it'll be worth it!" Izaya cheered as he waited for Shiuzo to walk around the counter. Izaya's eyes sparkled with excitement. How could he ever say no to those eyes?

"And you said you'd pay me?" _I don't want the money._

"Of course!" He smirked, grabbing onto Shizuo's arm and dragging him out of the shop. "Now hurry up!"

For a guy who calculated how shallow his breaths had to be to how far each of steps needed to be, he seemed pretty impatient. Shizuo knew looks could be deceiving. He would be a fool to call Izaya impulsive.

After a few seconds, Izaya's initial energy seemed to drain out and his skips fell to a normal paced walk. Shizuo and him walked side by side, whereas the bodyguard stood a third of a foot behind them; he was much closer now than ever. Shizuo growled.

"I'm surprised you've stayed silent for so long," Izaya commented, interrupting him from his thoughts of murdering the dude stepping on his heel every two seconds. "I thought you might've had a tantrum or thrown the register at someone before I finally convinced you."

"I don't like violence," Shizuo spoke immediately, feeling some heat rush to his cheeks. It was sometimes embarrassing to say since some people thought he was only trying to mess with them. _'Yeah, sure. That's why the table's in two pieces,'_ people would usually say. If he really cared about peace, he would be more careful. _As if I can help it when it comes to Izaya._

He was expecting Izaya to say the same thing. The exact same words as everyone else because why would anyone ever look at him any different? Izaya wasn't at the level to say anything but something demeaning. Not yet. That's what he thought anyway.

"Listen, you're nothing but a monster," he started, his arms flailing out as he balanced on the edge of the crosswalk. Cars whizzed by, one even honking at Izaya, but Izaya only waved his thin fingers at the car. "You have to love the thrill of it-- of the violence."

It wasn't a jab at him. Izaya wasn't rolling his eyes and telling Shizuo to just be more calm. He wasn't making fun at Shizuo losing his temper. He was just tying to understand why Shizuo dealt with violence if he didn't like it.

Back to what Izaya said; it wasn't a question, Shizuo was aware of that. Still, he couldn't help but try to refute it by shaking his head.

Izaya gave him a strange look. "I'm telling you. I thought even a protozoan like you might at least be able to understand that much." He laughed, and before Shiuzo could deny anything, Izaya spoke again. "I know, though. I know you don't get a thrill out of it. I do, however."

He looked up and Shizuo couldn't help but fall in love even more. Izaya understood him and didn't think of Shizuo as a child or a liar. Izaya accepted Shizuo, as well as the faults of himself. Izaya was beyond amazing.

"I know why you're so violent though." He jumped away from the curb just as an over speeding car drove right by it. He grinned, the same grin Shizuo wanted to kiss. "You do it for your brother, or people you care about."

Shizuo paused his steps. Izaya looked at Shiuzo over his shoulder as if he expected Shizuo to stop. Shizuo's mind replayed the conversation. He understood, but he pretended to be dumbfounded. Izaya had to believe he caught Shizuo by surprise.

"How—"

His laugh cut him off as it easily pierced through whatever it was he was going to say. His grin only grew. "I listen."

As if Shiuzo needed to fall in love with the man even more. He didn't even know it was possible. He _listened_ to what Shiuzo had to say instead of just pretending that whatever came out of his mouth was only limited to angrily growls. Shizuo fought his hardest not to smile.

He turned his head back around and began walking. Shizuo stood in place for effect, as if he were still in shock. The bodyguard walked by him, glaring at him as he did so. Right, he was still here. Shizuo growled for what seemed the hundredth time.

Shizuo fastened his pace to catch up to Izaya while also making sure the bodyguard walked behind them both. Shizuo realized Izaya was still a few steps away, so he began walking a bit faster to catch up to him. However, Izaya didn't seem to be getting any closer. He frowned as he quickened his speed again, but to no avail. He kept walking faster and faster. Before he knew it, he was sprinting, chasing after Izaya. The man only laughed, the sound bouncing off of the walls of the alleyways they ran past. 

A good few minutes later, Izaya suddenly stopped running and turned around. Shizuo nearly fell over the man, but he managed to catch himself before he did so. Shizuo looked behind him and smirked when he saw the bodyguard was nowhere in sight. He must've not been able to keep up with them.

Izaya held his arms behind him. "We're here!" Izaya cheered as he gestured to the building. Shiuzo recognized it. "This is my university!"

Shizuo stared up at it and then back down to the man standing right in front of it. God, he was beautiful. His eyes were as bright as ever and his grin was as wide as always. He was as happy as he always portrayed himself to be. Shizuo felt as if it were genuine this time though.

"I have someone you need to meet," he informed.

Shizuo froze at that. "Someone I have to meet?"

Izaya nodded. "It involves the favour I asked for."

Shizuo made a mental list of all of Izaya's acquaintances. He then paused when he thought of a certain someone's name. He knew exactly who he was going to be meeting.

He heard heavy footsteps come to rest behind him. Shizuo looked over his shoulder and nearly threw the man across the country. Of course the bodyguard showed up. The man smirked at him, as if to tell Shizuo he couldn't run from him. Shizuo turned back ahead only to see Izaya walking a few strides away. He jogged to catch up and in hopes of leaving the buddy behind.

As they made their way to wherever Izaya was taking them, Shizuo would look over his shoulder, viciously glaring at the man. The latter would be sending dirty looks just as harsh as Shizuo's. Izaya seemed to either not have noticed or to ignore it, simply finding it amusing. Shiuzo didn't even know why he thought the former option could've been a possibility.

They finally made their way in front of Izaya's dorm room. He unlocked the door and headed in. "Shiki, I'm home!"

Shizuo glanced around. It was strange to see everything from the view of entering through the doorway.

"Izaya, you-"

Shiki seemed to have frozen as his eyes landed on the blond, just as Shizuo had not even five minutes ago.

"This is Shizu-chan!" Izaya introduced with a grin. "He's my new protector!"


	6. The Game Was Changing

**for those of you who know who sozoro is, imagine him to be a lot younger than he actually is; better yet, pretend you don't know who he is

"Wait— I'm sorry, _what_?" Shiki practically screamed as he glared at Shiuzo as hard as he could. "What do you mean _protector_? Do you mean you want him to be your new guard?"

"Well, of course!" Izaya cheered as he grabbed onto Shiuzo's arm. Shizuo was shocked and Shiki only growled. "It's why I brought him here!"

"You're trusting him more than Sozoro? You think replacing Sozoro—"

"Hey, no one's replacing anyone," Izaya interrupted with a frown, as if he were offended that Shiki would even think that. Shizuo choked down a laugh at the sight of Shiki's face. "I think things through you know."

_I do know, Izaya. No one else will ever understand you, not nearly as much as I do. You'll see that yourself soon enough._

Shiki looked away from Izaya and towards Sozoro. "Would you mind waiting outside?"

Sozoro bowed and gestured for Shizuo to follow him. He said nothing as he leaned against the wall closest to the door, watching Shizuo's every move. Shizuo leant against the wall opposite to the door. The joke was on all of them, his senses were always more heightened than everyone else's. He could hear up to miles away if he wanted to, which meant he could hear everything that was being said from inside the room, even with the door closed.

_"Izaya, don't make any impulsive decisions,_ " he heard Shiki say in, what he guessed was supposed to be, a gentle and reassuring voice.

_"You really think I wouldn't think something like this through? Why are you suddenly treating me like a child?"_

_"You barely know him! You've known him for, what, three days? And you're deciding to trust him with your life?"_

_"I may have only known him for a short amount of time, but contrary to what you think, I have a tendency to observe the things around me. If I had to choose someone from the entire human population to protect me, it would be him. In no way does that mean I trust him."_

He could hear Shiki sigh, but neither said anything else for a good minute. Shizuo would've smirked, had it not been for the older man across from him intensely glaring at him. Shizuo only narrowed his eyes.

_"I want to study him further,"_ Izaya explained slowly. It didn't seem as if he were hesitant, Izaya was never one to hold back, but it was more as if he were trying to say the right words.

_Don't worry, Izaya. When we're finally together. You won't have to ever worry about how you word your sentences._

" _He's interesting. A brute— a monster. He seems hot-headed and ill-mannered and he's blunt. I know it wasn't him who did this. He could never. If it were him, he would've come to the room directly. We would know it was him. He's nowhere near being a suspect, and you have to understand that."_

_"Damn it, Izaya,"_ Shiki cursed under his breath. Footsteps got closer and closer to the door. _"What're you—"_

Izaya opened the door with a smile. "We're done. I can explain the ground rules now."

"Izaya, we're not done talking about this—"

"Funny you think it was up for debate," Izaya laughed out as he gestured Shiki out. "I was simply explaining my reasons to you. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got some things to cover."

For a good minute, Shiki and Izaya only stared at one another. Neither seemed to be giving up anytime soon. That was when Sozoro decided to interrupt.

"Shiki," he called out. Shiki glanced at him. It didn't seem like Shiki wanted to leave just yet, but they all knew Izaya was one of the most stubborn people to have ever lived. He wasn't going to lose this.

"This isn't over."

Shizuo wasn't sure if that was supposed to be meant towards him or Izaya, but Shizuo didn't really care either way. He only focused on keeping his grin from his face as Shiki and Sozoro left the hall.

Izaya invited him in. Izaya walked into what looked to be a mini kitchen Shizuo sat on the couch as he looked around. It was the same as just a few days ago. Then again, Izaya has been rather busy-- too busy to mess anything in his room.

He returned with a tray, two cups of tea sitting in the centre of it. He set the tray onto the table and sat a few feet away from Shizuo.

Before Izaya could say anything, he decided to speak up. "So, who's this Shiki guy?"

Izaya's shoulders didn't tense up. Again, it's wasn't his tell. His chin was the obvious giveaway, but Shizuo could also see it in his eyes; he just became hesitant. Shizuo wanted to frown; there was no need for Izaya to be hesitant near him. _You should've grinned and explained all your worries to me effortlessly._

"He's a close friend," he smoothly replied, a cheery grin forever on his lips. He carefully avoided eye contact from Shizuo, but in a subtle way so it would seem as if he were focused on his tea.

"What exactly am I supposed to do?"

"Why, protect me of course!" Izaya threw one of his arms in the air for dramatic effect. "It's what you tell Shiki anyway. Sozoro would follow me to my classes and— everywhere, honestly. He was with me all day until Shiki decided to be the one to watch over me."

Shizuo furrowed his eyebrows at the distant look in Izaya's eyes. _He didn't realize that he gave away the fact they're more than just friends._

"You, however, are the new reassurance. You are really supposed to pretend to keep an eye on me, but really, you grant me my freedom," he explained with his right eyebrow cocked up. "Don't worry, I'll still pay you."

"And what about the attacker?"

"What attacker?"

Shizuo froze mid-sip. Izaya had the nonchalant attitude, but his eyes were narrowed, as if the little trust built between them was on thin ice. Shizuo groaned in his head; he didn't want to bring this up yet, but if he was going to make a mistake, he had to pay for it.

"Shiki told me... Don't you know?" He decided to go for the _innocent barista_ approach. He had a feeling Izaya would trust him a little bit more than Shiki right now, and that could've been because of the fight he just had with his _friend._ "Shiki actually thinks it's me. He came into _my_ shop and accused _me_ of breaking your freaking window. If I really wanted to hurt you, I would've by now."

He made a show of clenching his fists so hard, his hands were shaking. He could see the look on Izaya's face drop more than it already had. At this point, the cup in Shizuo's hands had already shattered, but he tried to make it seem like he didn't even notice the broken pieces dropping to the floor. It's not like he had to act as if it hurt; it really didn't.

"Aw, silly Shizu-chan! You could never hurt me because you would never be able to catch me!" He seemed to have gotten his composure back. He felt Izaya's eyes on his hands and the blood dripping onto his floor. "What a beast you are."

Izaya stood up and walked to the kitchen. He returned with a small towel, which he handed to Shizuo. Shizuo took it and wrapped it around his bleeding hand and looked down so he could hide his smirk from Izaya. The raven didn't even seem to notice the broken fragments or the bright red on the floor. He was more concerned with Shizuo's well-being.

"I don't think any pieces were able to pierce through your monster-like skin, but you might want to see a doctor for this," Izaya commented as his fingers ghosted over Shizuo's hand. He then looked up with a smirk. "Can't have my protector dying on me."

Shizuo only stared at the man, wondering how much longer he had to wait to call him his, to keep him for himself and only himself. Izaya noticed his lingering gaze and tilted his head with questioning eyes. Shizuo didn't think he would have to wait any longer.

Izaya seemed to want to ignore the entire moment. "So, as I said, you're only a reassurance. I'll come to the coffee shop after my classes and I'll hang around so you can 'keep an eye on me.'"

"Okay."

"Seriously. I don't need you standing by my door when I wake up."

"Okay."

"Shizu-chan—"

"What part of 'okay' did you not understand?" Shizuo growled out as he glared at Izaya, who only smirked.

"I don't think you understand, Shizu-chan," he sighed out. "If you did, you wouldn't still be sitting here."

Shizuo stood up without another word and left. As much as he wanted to be around Izaya, he needed to respect his wishes (or what Izaya thought he wanted). A great opportunity to steal Izaya's phone finally came to him, he couldn't screw this up. He just had to be patient.

——

"You're crap at protecting."

Shizuo turned around and glared at the brown-haired man. He knew Shiki would come here sooner than later to see if he was lurking around somewhere instead of standing by Izaya's side— which he wanted to do more than anything— but he didn't think he would've showed his face within twenty-four hours.

"Then again, the only thing he needs to be protected from is you," Shiki continued as Shizuo's gaze finally caught his. They seemed to share a mutual hatred to the same extent. "Maybe your lack of skill is actually an advantage."

"If I believed someone were after him and he was truly in danger, I would never leave his side," Shizuo shot back as he placed his palms on the counter and leaned forward.

"Stay away from him—"

"It's funny," Shizuo interrupted, his composure suddenly nonchalant rather than intimidating, "Just a couple days ago, you were threatening me and going off about how you would do everything you could to keep him away. You seemed so sure I would never see his face again."

"The game changed, Heiwajima," Shiki whispered, taking a quick glance around. "And I'm going to kill you."

"I'm sure you are," Shizuo mocked. He gestured around the room quickly. "Are you gonna order or get out? We have a no _loitering_ policy."

Shiki said nothing as he turned around. Shizuo just noticed the two men standing by the door. One of them held the door for Shiki. They looked just like that guy that had been with Izaya for the past few days; reserved and aware of everything.

Once they left, Shizuo's smirk fell. Shiki was right. The game was changing.

Barely an hour passed before Izaya skipped his way into the café. He had the same big grin he had every day on his face, red eyes gleaming with joy. Shizuo had a guess why; he was probably doing some _people watching._

"Shizu-chan!" He practically jumped over the counter. "Guess what?"

Shizuo only growled in response, eyes narrowing at the raven. Izaya seemed to ignore his entire demeanour as he continued speaking in his cheerful tone.

"A few friends of mine are on their way right now. Fun, right? You're welcome, I just gave you free advertising!"

Friends? The only friend Izaya had was Shinra. Shizuo realized that Izaya and these supposed _friends_ most likely weren't even acquaintances, much less friends. Izaya was for sure people watching, and along the way, he had pissed some people off. Izaya would be fine; this wasn't the first time this had happened to Izaya. Besides, he entrusted Shizuo with the task of keeping them from harming him. Shizuo bit down a smile. Izaya trusted him.

Before Shizuo could even open his mouth, let alone utter a complaint, the door burst open and three men came barging in. Their eyes scattered along the space of the café before landing near the counter, more specifically, before landing on Izaya.

One of them made a run for Izaya's throat, but the latter simply smirked as he stepped to the side at the last second, and instead landed in Shizuo's outstretched hand. A hand pulled on the man's collar, Shizuo's grip tight and in no way hesitant. Like hell he would ever let these disgusting men near Izaya. No one would ever be near Izaya when Shizuo finally got to him.

"What do you think you're doing, hah?" he screamed in the other's face, his eyes searching for any fear or sign that would indicate a white flag. Nothing. Shizuo snarled. His eyes quickly glanced at the two men behind him— who seemed to be— their leader. They just stood there, their eyes already miles away from their body. It seemed like the man in Shizuo's hold was the leader for a reason.

"He's gonna screw you over," the man's choked-up voice grated Shizuo's ears; he couldn't even imagine how his filthy their voice might sound to Izaya's ears. "He's only pretending to help you. Hear me? He's nothing but a—"

The man was cut off by a punch to his jaw. Shizuo originally planned to have shouted in his face a bit with threats that were anything but empty, but he couldn't hear the man degrading Izaya like that. Izaya was better than them all in so many ways and more. Shizuo genuinely lost control of his anger.

"Say that again, I dare you." When the man opened his mouth despite the blood dripping out, Shizuo punched him again, but this time, he loosened his hold on his collar and let the man fly into the door. The man seemed to have lost his consciousness. He glared at the other two men, one badly quivering in fear. "Get the hell out!"

Less than half a second later, all three bodies were gone. Shizuo was satisfied. Izaya no longer had to look at such a horrific and pathetic sight.

"My, my," Izaya's teasing tone grabbed his attention. It may have sounded mocking to anyone else, but Shizuo heard nothing but appreciation. " _What a beast._ "

Shizuo wanted to comment on Izaya's lack of words, but he could see the amazement in Izaya's eyes, along with some confusion, as if he were trying to figure something out. Izaya said nothing about his thoughts. Shizuo didn't expect him to. Not yet.

Shizuo decided to answer what he thought could've possibly made Izaya speechless. "I told you I would protect you."

Izaya's eyes glinted for a second, an ominous aura surrounding the two of them. Shizuo was fine with that. _It was just the two of them._

"And here I thought you wouldn't pull through." Izaya leaned over the counter, grabbing something that sat by Shizuo's hands. It was a cup of coffee Shizuo was making for a customer. He had yet to put any cream or whitener or sugar in it. It was just black coffee, and Izaya seemed to have noticed.

He backed up, a smile grew to his lips, which was slightly hidden behind the coffee held up to his lips.

"I didn't think you would get so angry for me."

——

"Shizuo, we need to speak about your behaviour."

"My behaviour?" Shizuo questioned, feigning a bit of ignorance. He wanted to roll his eyes; he knew perfectly well what he did... he protected Izaya.

His boss nodded. "I was told you punched a man unconscious."

"Oh, yes, that's true. I apologize for my actions, but that man would've beaten up a customer— my friend." As if he would ever regret doing anything for Izaya.

His boss' eyes became uncertain. He clicked his pen relentlessly, deep in thought. Shizuo waited, his finger tapping against his thigh as his palm laid flat. He wouldn't get fired, he was sure of it. He was sure when he punched the man, and he was sure as hell at the moment. Shizuo bit his bottom lip to keep a grin from crawling onto his face; his boss was too naive— _too nice._

"I guess I can excuse your actions just this once." He sighed, the clicking of the pen coming to a stop. He looked deep into Shizuo's eyes, as if he genuinely cared about Shizuo and his job. Shizuo knew it was all a lie; he needed no one but Izaya... Izaya was the only person who would ever accept Shizuo, the only person who would ever genuinely care for and love him.

"But?" Shizuo prompted when he realized that the man wasn't going to speak any further.

"But it can't happen again."

Shizuo gave a lazy grin, hoping that would effectively get his supposed gratitude across. "Thanks, Tom."

"Shizuo, I'm serious," he could see a plea in his boss' eyes, "I don't know if I can help you if this happens again."

——

Shizuo stared up at the night sky as he laid against the building's wall, right underneath Izaya's window. He looked at his hands and he could no longer see or hear anything else. His attention was on the object in his hands. He could see nothing but the black iPhone his hand held.

Shizuo adjusted so he sat into a more comfortable position as he pressed the home button. The passcode screen popped up, but that wasn't a problem. Shiuzo had gotten it on his first try. It was simply his sisters' names, but the letters were rearranged. Shizuo knew the exact way to rearrange it; he saw a file under the documents tab on his laptop with this lettering. He had a feeling something so out of place and _disorganized_ would be significant, so he took note of it.

He entered the password and was met with Izaya's home screen. It wasn't exciting; just a black screen with a bunch of apps.

_"And here I thought you wouldn't pull through."_

Shizuo clicked the _Messages_ icon.

_Izaya leaned over the counter, grabbing the coffee Shizuo was currently making._

He noticed that the most recent person he was texting was Shiki; the latest text was sent six hours ago. It seemed as if their fight was only a short one. He clicked on Shiki's name, their texts presenting themselves to Shizuo.

_Shizuo stared right into Izaya's deep, red eyes. It was enticing, but he couldn't be distracted. It was hard keeping focus with the way Izaya was smiling at him though._

Shizuo quickly glanced at the messages, taking in the way Izaya messaged Shiki.

_With_ _Izaya_ _leaned forward, his coat pocket was easily accessible, barely half a foot away from Shizuo. Shizuo slightly leaned forward, but not too much for Izaya to think anything of it._

Shizuo pressed the message bar and began typing in his message.

_He had to be quick. Izaya was graceful, meaning he would only take half a second to reach for the coffee. Izaya seemed focused on his eyes, so Shizuo easily brought a hand to Izaya's coat pocket and slid out his phone._

loveee~~  
i need your men to take care of something for me  
i would do it, but it's not worth my time   
there's some men standing near my dorm  
so meet me at the park near my dorm  
i'll explain everything there   
see you then <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay stuffs actually happening


	7. All You Need Is Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i'm pissed ;/ i write my chapters on wattpad and i upload them here, but sometimes wattpad does this stupid thing where iT dOesNt sAvE -__- it happened for the last chapter too ;( anyway i had this valentine's day one shot written up and i was gonna upload it a couple days ago, but it just wasn't there?? *sigh* :/ but enjoy ig
> 
> also.. im terrible with plot holes,, theres probably already so many, but im tryingg!! just try to bear through this story

Shizuo waited. He sat on a swing and waited. Three minutes had gone by and he refused to feel any bit of anxiety. It wouldn't do any good. He had to remain calm. Only then will all this go well. Only then will he finally be with Izaya.

A few months after Shizuo had first found Izaya, the raven had walked into a hospital. Naturally, Shizuo was concerned and followed right after him. He found out that Izaya had requested for the doctors to check if there were any abnormalities in his brain. There were none. That had made Izaya extremely happy; his mind was because of who he was. Shizuo only sighed; Izaya had only seen if there was something physically wrong with his brain, as most people do. He neglected to see if he had a mental illness or something along those lines. Of course Shizuo didn't have a medical licence, but Izaya had been through a lot; from neglectful parents to having to grow up at such a young age, that had to have some impacts, but Izaya wanted to so badly believe he was who he wanted himself to be. Maybe Izaya didn't have anything going on and really was who he wanted to be, but none of them knew for sure. Shizuo wanted to tell Izaya that he was his own person regardless; any mental illness or physical abnormality in his brains didn't define him. _He would love Izaya completely._

It was clear Izaya didn't know how to love or how it was to be loved— and Shizuo was more than okay with that. He was glad he could have such an impact on Izaya, and his possessive side was more than glad that he was the only one to love Izaya— _and to be loved by Izaya._

In order for all that to happen, he had to get rid of the man Izaya _thought_ he loved. That all started with the heavy footsteps he heard approaching from behind him. Although he didn't turn around; he knew exactly who it was. Instead, he continued swinging lowly; it was less of swinging and more of quietly rocking back and forth, but he kept his attention straight ahead. His eyes were suddenly on a brunet.

" _You_."

Shizuo finally turned around, away from the angry face. He saw a car, probably a personal one. No guards were around which meant no witnesses. This was going to be easier than he thought. This was perfect.

"Yeah, it's me," Shizuo replied as he studied the man's face. "Did you really think it would be Izaya?"

By Shiki's fists clenching, he guessed the answer was yes. Who knew the executive of a mafia could be so naive?

"Where is he?" the gruff voice voiced out. Shizuo raised an eyebrow. His eyes were narrowed onto him, glaring fiercely. "I swear, if you even—"

"He's away from you." Shizuo stood up and the man took a couple steps back. "I'm not like you, I don't deliver empty threats, so when I say you're never gonna see his face again, I sure as hell mean it."

Shiki said nothing. Instead, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a gun and pointed it at Shizuo. It should've been intimidating, but all Shizuo could see was the desperation of a man who was going to lose everything he didn't deserve.

"Pull it," Shizuo demanded with a small smirk. He took a step forward. "Pull the damn trigger."

The barrel of the gun was to his forehead, but Shiki didn't shoot. He only let the safety go. If he really wanted to, he could've shot Shizuo, but they both knew he wouldn't— couldn't. Izaya would be too upset by his death.

Shizuo grabbed the wrist near his forehead and clenched it, breaking the bones under the rough skin. Shiki didn't cry out in pain, but he did let out a gasp that was most likely involuntary. Shizuo's smirk only grew at the sight.

"Good thing you guys made up." Shizuo brought the wrist away from his face and near his chest instead and yanked the man a bit closer. "It would've been even harder to make him happy if he regretted his last words to you."

"You're sick," Shiki said through gritted teeth. He immediately shut up when Shizuo clenched harder. "He's not an idiot— _he'll see right through you._ "

The man let out a curse before Shizuo grabbed onto the man's neck. The look in the man's eyes was like praise from Izaya himself.

_Remember, this is all for Izaya. Don't back out now. I have to do this for Izaya. I can be with him when all this is over._

With that reminder, he squeezed harder and watched the life leave the man's eyes. Shizuo grinned at the sight and let go when the man finally stopped clenching his wrists. His body collapsed onto the floor and he only watched. He stared for a minute, wondering what to do with the body. He had an idea, but he needed a cigarette first.

He walked over the body and pulled out his box and lighter. He lit one and held the cigarette to his lips as closed his eyes, trying his best to remain calm.

_Izaya. Think of Izaya. You did this for him— his smile. Just imagine how bright his beautiful red eyes are going to be when you guys are finally together. Together and happy._

His eyes shot open at the vibration in his pants' pocket. With a furrow of his brows, he pulled out the source of the disruption. He stared at Izaya's phone with Shiki's contact name displayed on top of a ridiculous picture of the man. He turned around and was greeted with the sight of Shiki on his stomach as he held a phone to his ear. His eyes were wide and the phone fell from his hands. It clattered onto the ground and the man shook.

Shizuo walked in front of him and kneeled. Shiki's face immediately went from shocked to infuriated.

"You!" he screamed in a raspy voice, his hand wrapping around Shizuo's ankle. "You stole... his phone."

Shizuo noticed the breathy voice and was vaguely reminded of his failed job. It was good he forgot to return Izaya's phone. It wouldn't do them any good if Izaya was aware of this little encounter. He wouldn't have understood Shizuo's actions— not yet anyway.

"How else did you think I tricked you?"

Before the man could say anything, Shizuo stood up and stepped on the man's neck. He heard a sickening crack and realized the man was dead in an instant. He took a quick glance around. Luckily for him, it was more of an abandoned park. Shizuo's eyes fell back down at the man's chest that no longer rose up and down.

_Izaya was all worth it._

He grabbed the man's shoulders and lifted him over his shoulder. He looked around to make sure he left no evidence behind. Once he felt satisfied with his look over, he walked over to Shiki's car. Shiki had really made this too easy.

He found a bottle of sake in the trunk. Parting the man's lips with a grimace and two fingers, he shoved the bottled down the dead man's throat. He placed the now half empty bottle in his right hand. Shizuo sat in the car, right beside Shiki, as he started it up and looked around; his eyes landed on a shed. He pressed on the gas pedal as hard as he could and crashed into the shed.

He was fine. The airbag popped out, but he managed to escape it as he hopped out of the car. After fixing Shiki's position to make it look like he had been the one driving, he took a glance around. Maybe some teenagers would be here soon and they could call 911. He didn't care. He did what he had to do.

——

The first thing he had done was smash Izaya's phone under his dorm's window. Shizuo didn't what the police to find out 'Izaya' had been near the park around the time of the accident. He hoped Izaya assumed it fell out of his window or something. Fortunately for him, a lost phone was probably the least of his worries. It's not like he had at least a dozen more.

Shizuo tapped his fingers against the marble counter as he looked around. It seemed like a lot of people were talking about the accident. A drunk driver had crashed into a local park. Tragic. The news was all about that.

Shizuo was just waiting for Izaya to show up. at the café. He knew the man was pretty brainwashed and would have a hard time coping with the death of the mind manipulating him, but he didn't think it would've hit him this hard. He hadn't come all day.

In fact, Shiuzo hadn't seen him all week. He was beginning to get worried; Izaya needed to talk to someone— more specifically, him, as he was the only one who could understand Izaya, the only one who could _truly_ love him. He was the only one who could comfort him when something bothered him. Izaya would see that soon enough.

Days after the first week of his disappearance, Izaya finally walked into the café, a man with glasses dragging him in. _Shinra._

Izaya looked terrible. His skin was much paler than usual and his fingers had only gotten thinner, along with the rest of his body. His eyes looked sunken in with a tinge of redness around them and bags underneath. He looked nowhere near as the charming man that he always was, yet when he walked, it was just as graceful as before, as if nothing had really happened. _Izaya is still so beautiful._

"Izaya," he greeted when Izaya and his friend reached the register. Their eyes connected for a moment before Izaya looked away. Shizuo frowned. It hurt him to see Izaya so out of character. "The usual?"

"What else would I get, you protozoan?" Izaya hissed out as he glared at Shizuo. Shinra put a hand on the raven's shoulder, but the latter only pushed the hand away and stormed off onto a table near the back, one away from people. That got Shizuo even more worried. Izaya loved people.

"I'll pay for his drink," Shinra spoke up, taking his wallet out. "Do you, by any chance, have any bitter pastries? Like a... a coffee cookie maybe?"

Shizuo shook his head. "I can put in a request to start making them."

Shinra nodded gratefully. "Thank you, my good sir!"

Shizuo handed him the coffee and the man ran off to Izaya. Shizuo watched them both converse a bit, and Izaya seemed to be refusing something. Shizuo guessed it had something to do with food.

His eyes landed on the concern on Shinra's face. He was a good friend, taking care of Izaya like that. Shizuo could see the genuine worry in his eyes and the stubbornness he showed as he pushed the coffee towards Izaya as he loudly declared their next trip, which was somewhere to a restaurant down the street. He appreciated Shinra. Izaya could use someone like him in his life.

Shizuo slightly smiled at that. He continued watching them; Shinra was loud and boisterous, whereas Izaya was quietly listening as he drank his coffee. He didn't say a word— he didn't even seem to be listening. Shizuo could see the frustration and concern on Shinra's face as he tried to get more than a few words out of Izaya's mouth. Eventually, he sighed as he glanced at the time. He seemed as if he didn't want to leave the raven alone, but he had no other choice. He stood up and left after telling Izaya to eat and to call him if he needed anything.

Izaya now sat alone. Shizuo let his eyes glance over at the lonely boy carefully, but it seemed as if he didn't have to try very hard to remain hidden. Izaya was staring out the window as his finger gently traced the rim of the cup. Shizuo could see the conflicting thoughts behind the other's eyes.

_You seem as if you want to leave, but you also want to stay around people, don't' you? It's okay, Izaya, you'll soon learn that all you need is me._

Shizuo asked his coworker for a fifteen minute break before he made his way to the table with the lonely boy. Izaya didn't move his head, only his eyes, as Shiuzo sat down across from him.

Shizuo didn't know what to start off with. This had to be the most difficult part of their relationship— he knew the death of someone you thought you loved was one of the hardest things to cope with... but he had to comfort Izaya to show him he would always be here.

"What do you want?" Izaya's tone was viscous. It was strange since he was always so cheery and teasing; he always _wanted_ to talk to people and gouge their reactions, but right now, Izaya wasn't himself. This supposed Izaya wanted to be left alone. Shizuo would remind him of who he really was.

"I noticed your loitering," he began as he tried looking a bit sheepish. He let a small blush come to his cheeks. "And...I could see that something was troubling you."

"And what makes you think I'd indulge in _you_ of all people?" Izaya laughed in the same condescending way he always did. "I mean, seriously, you—"

"Listen," Shizuo interrupted as growled. He knew he was about to give Izaya a lot more information than he wanted to, but he had to get Izaya to understand. "You don't know me, but you do. I'm not close enough to you for my opinion to matter or for me to relentlessly check up on you to see if you're okay. I'm also not a complete stranger; I'm not going to tell people about this customer I had that said this and this. You can trust me in so many ways."

Shizuo shut his mouth after that. He slipped up again; he did _not_ mean to say the last part again. That's as supposed to be an inner thought, one for his mind only. He internally sighed, the regrets slowly fading away as he saw Izaya's eyes slightly widen. It seemed like the death was taking a toll on him; it was messing with his facade— the appearance he showed other people.

Izaya stared into his eyes for a few moments before looking away, staring at something far away through the window. Shizuo assumed he won; Izaya wouldn't have reacted in this way if he weren't affected by Shizuo's words.

Izaya stayed silent. Shizuo said nothing either. He stayed though. Even if Izaya wasn't looking at him, he would always stay by Izaya's side. Izaya needed him just as much as Shizuo needed Izaya. He would always stay because Izaya's presence alone was enough for him. The witty remarks and sarcastic eye rolls were just bonuses.

Eventually, Izaya's coffee finished and Shizuo left to go refill it. When he returned, however, Izaya was gone.

——

Shizuo was in a bad mood for the rest of the day. He would lash out at customers, slam his fists against the counter, and scowl more in their faces. He was usually more controlled and calm, but Izaya leaving was like a slap to his face—one he didn't understand. He was so _sure_ Izaya would spill his problems to him. He didn't think Izaya would leave. Shizuo was upset he didn't see that coming. Since the beginning, he learnt to expect every outcome, and Izaya usually followed through with one of them, but he never would've ever expected Izaya to leave him.

His coworker told him to take the rest of the day off. Apparently, his growling was scaring customers. Shizuo didn't complain; he needed to see Izaya again. He needed to see just how affected Izaya was by all this. He needed to see what was possibly more important for Izaya to leave him like that. He needed to understand what exactly was wrong so he could fix all of it.

If he were correct, Izaya would just be leaving one of his classes and he would have no other to attend. Shizuo entered the campus and stayed near the entrance, standing behind a tree as if it could cover him from the rest of the world. The tree was too thin though, his broad shoulders stuck out, but Shizuo didn't mean to hide completely; just his face so Izaya wouldn't recognize him. He just had to wait a few minutes so Izaya could leave and go to his dorm room.

As Shizuo waited, he decided to rethink the situation. Izaya couldn't have possibly _loved_ Shiki, but whatever Shiki did was strong enough for Izaya to break down. Shizuo frowned; Izaya didn't _break down,_ that just wasn't Izaya. Somebody's death shouldn't affect him like this. Shizuo clenched his fists at the thought of Shiki brainwashing him to such an extent. It was unbelievable how someone could do something so cruel to such a beautiful and perfect man.

Shizuo kept Shiki in mind as he thought about himself. He had to be more than Shiki. Shizuo had to show Izaya what love really was. He had to embrace Izaya like no one ever had before, kiss him with a kind of love Shiki could never give. He had to show Izaya just how much he loved him. Shizuo smiled at their future together, he had it all planned out; they would buy a house, decorate it with framed pictures of their memories like their wedding, adopt kids so the house was never empty, and just _be happy._ It was so perfect in Shizuo's mind, and he couldn't wait to share it with Izaya— _experience it with Izaya._

Shizuo checked the time on his phone with a beaming smile he couldn't get rid of. Minutes had gone by, and Shizuo assumed that was enough time for Izaya to have returned to his room. Shizuo peeked behind the tree just to be sure that he was nowhere in sight. A few more glances later, he left and made his way to the tree near Izaya's window.

Once he got there, he tried subtly peeking in through the window first. He wanted to make sure Izaya was inside before anything else; it would be hard to check up on him if he weren't even there. He made one mistake though, a continuous one: everything he was currently doing was based on assumptions. He knew that, but he assumed he would be right this time. He always had been before, so why would things just keep going awry?

"Shizu-chan?"

He did not expect to see crimson eyes staring at him in confusion as they both stood in front of Izaya's window.


	8. I Didn't Know What to do With You

  
"Izaya," he breathed out, just loud enough for the other to hear. Izaya raised a brow, quietly demanding for an explanation. Shizuo bit back a smile.

_You always make yourself out be so straightforward, but you're really no more than a coward. You can't even directly ask m_ _e_ _what I want— what I'm doing in front of your dorm. That's one of my favourite things about you._  
  
"I'm just checking—"

"I'm fine," Izaya interrupted with a grimace as he crossed his arms. It sounded as if he had said this a million times already, the words rolling off his tongue as if he had been saying them in every other sentence. Those two words clearly told Shizuo that _Izaya_ _was not fine._

"Are you?" Shizuo asked with a huff, digging his hands into his pockets as he turned his head to the side. His eyes stayed on Izaya, the tint of his sunglasses giving Izaya the illusion that he wasn't looking at him anymore.

"You find me as nothing more than a nuisance, might I remind you." Shizuo caught his fingers tightening around his forearms. "So why don't you leave before I call pest control?"

Izaya turned around and walked away, not bothering to see if Shizuo would really leave him alone. Of course, Shizuo didn't. It seemed Izaya heard his footsteps because he stopped and abruptly turned around. Apparently, Izaya didn't expect Shizuo to be so close to him, and Shizuo didn't expect Izaya to turn around like that. Izaya ended up jumping into Shizuo's chest. Shizuo barely felt Izaya's fingers ghost against his chest before the raven-haired man took a step back. Shizuo caught his wrist before he could get too far, ignoring the fluttering feeling he felt when Izaya's hand had made contact with his chest. 

"Listen," Shizuo began as he watched the dread fill in Izaya's eyes. Shizuo knew Izaya never wanted to have this conversation with anyone; all he wanted to do was get over it, and the only way to forget about everything was to pretend as if it were never there. Izaya didn't know how much that was hurting him.

"I don't listen to beasts," Izaya hissed as he roughly pulled on his wrist. "Maybe I should call the animal hound instead."

Izaya was upset, that much was obvious. He was acting greatly out of character, anyone could see that. Tears had been welling up in his eyes all day, _and Shizuo knew that everyone around them had noticed._ That was the issue; no one should see Izaya like that— vulnerable and at his breaking point. _No one._

"You're upset, I get that—"

"What do you want me to say, huh? Yes, I'm devastated and I want to bawl my eyes out until I get to the stage of mental instability that I tear them out. If that's all you wanted to hear, you can leave now."

"I want you to listen, damn it!" Shizuo screamed. Everything around them immediately got quiet. The bird stopped their chirping, and people stopped their talking in favour of murmuring. His eyes caught the fingers pointing at them, and that was enough for Shizuo to drag Izaya to his room. Izaya went along with him quietly, not uttering a word even as they both sat on Izaya's bed.

"I know you're upset," Shizuo tried again. "And I know I'm not the best person to talk to. I'm not better than a brute, apparently, but I do nothing other than work at a café."

"What, are you trying to tell me that you're always there if I ever want to talk?" _Yes._ "Never would've expected that from a protozoan like you."

Shizuo's eyes narrowed at the sight of the other's smirk. At least he was feeling better enough to try to hide everything. He let out a sigh, his eyes wandered around the room. The book hadn't seemed to be touched in days as they say on his desk, his chair was tucked in too. Some clothes were peeping out of the hamper. A piece of paper laid on the floor with the headlines of _"Drunk Driver Crashed Into Local Park."_ So it seemed as if they felt his death was insignificant enough to not properly look into. That, or it could've been his fellow Yakuza; they could've thought some unhappy people did this to him and wanted to keep it on the down low. They weren't completely wrong; _Shizuo had been more than frustrated by his mere presence._

"Humans do nothing but disappoint you," came Izaya's quiet voice. Shizuo thought he would feel more comfortable without any eyes on him, so he simply looked away, despite wanting to get lost in Izaya's scared-looking eyes. "They cheat and lie and— and are selfish. That's why they're so interesting. It's why I love them all so much. Equally. I love every single one of them the same."

Shizuo waited for him to go on, but he said nothing else. Shizuo slowly turned his head toward Izaya, and found the man to have his arms around his legs as his head laid between his knees. Shizuo wanted to reach an arm out, to caress his back until all his worries faded away. Shizuo did feel guilty; he never wanted to make Izaya upset, even if it was for the greater good. He didn't regret doing what he did, if it needed to be done, but his heart broke at the sight of Izaya like this. A broken sob filled the silence and Shizuo clenched his fists.

"I love them all equally," Izaya mumbled as he looked up. Though his eyes seemed to be watering, no tears cascaded down his cheeks. "I _loved_ them all equally. Do you know how hard it was to accept that there was someone who broke my way of living? It took me months before I realized that I held some kind of attraction for someone.. a kind of attraction that wasn't shared among my other humans. I just— and now he's _gone_ , and it's like all that worry and struggling I went through means nothing and the past couple of years didn't even exist, and—"

Izaya stopped himself as he clenched his eyes shut, turning his head to the side. Shizuo was conflicted; should he play the part of the mortal enemy who hated his guts, or should he confuse the man more by embracing him? _For once, I didn't know what to do with you._

In the end, Shizuo did nothing. He didn't up and leave, and he didn't comfort the man. He stayed in the same spot and watched the raven stare off into nothing. Shizuo finally stood up, Izaya's eyes not following.

"It's getting late," he spoke quietly, hoping to get some kind of reaction out of him. "You should sleep."

"It's only half-past six."

"Take a nap."

"Why do you care?" Shizuo finally saw red as Izaya's eyes met his. It was a different kind of red than what he usually saw; he didn't feel the need to punch some guy's face in, but to embrace the man across from him. It was a weird feeling for Shizuo, but he was slowly getting used to it.

"I'm not a brute," Shizuo answered, shrugging slightly. "I'm not heartless."

Izaya said nothing. Shizuo slipped out of the door.

——

Shiki's funeral had been a few days ago. Izaya stood far from the crowd since he wasn't invited, and he didn't feel as if he could introduce himself to their family. It was obvious Shiki's family didn't know about their relationship— not many people knew of it in the first place— but the two took extra measures to keep them from knowing. Shiki's family was what people referred to as traditional, and admitting to being in a relationship with a man wouldn't end well for anyone. So, Izaya kept his distance, standing by a tree as he watched his ex-lover's body get buried.

Shizuo watched Izaya. He was at a distance too, he couldn't risk being seen by Izaya. He knew for the next little while, he was going to have to keep an extra eye out for Izaya; he wasn't emotionally stable. Shizuo had to wait until the effects of the lies Shiki filled Izaya's head with faded away. It would take time, he knew that, but it was all worth it for Izaya.

Shizuo now stood in front of a cashier, taking a student's order. Izaya had seemed to try his hardest to avoid him. It had been weeks though; Izaya knew he couldn't hide forever. Shizuo was expecting to see him soon. Izaya would soon realize how his change in behaviour raised questions. He couldn't have people ask him about how he was feeling, so he would make an appearance, a show to display how all right he was. 

It seemed like today was the day.

The bell chimed as the raven haired man stepped into the café. The first thing Shizuo noticed was the smirk adorning his face. Shizuo bit back a smile; he was getting his Izaya back.

Izaya stepped to the front of the queue as he always did. His eyes locked onto Shizuo's frame, his smirk only growing. Shizuo noticed the lack of bags surrounding his eyes. Although he hoped it meant he was getting sleep, it could've also meant he was an expert at covering up any of his weaknesses. The latter seemed to be the more plausible unfortunately. Shizuo also noticed the absence of the mischievous glint in his eyes. It could only confirm Shizuo's conclusion: this was all for show. At least it meant Izaya was on the road of recovery; this was just how Izaya moved on. It may have been unhealthy, but it seemed to be working. Shizuo would be sure to help Izaya find better ways to cope. 

"Shizu-chan!" he chimed, slightly tilting his head to the side as he continued to gaze into Shizuo's eyes. It might've been more of Shizuo doing the gazing and Izaya just making eye contact, but Shizuo decided that that was all irrelevant for now.

"Izaya," he feigned surprise as he furrowed his brows together. Confusion was the best way to go about this. A few days ago in Izaya's room, he had chosen to go by the path of being the understanding enemy. He couldn't stop now. He had to see through the end like this.

"Funny," he drawled out, a giggle slipping through his lips as he refused to move his eyes. "I'd expect you to scowl by now just by my mere presence. Tell me, has it been so long that you've forgotten about me?"

_As if anyone could forget about you— as if I could eve_ _r_ _forget about you._

"Izaya," he repeated. "Don't forget about what I said."

Instead of a giggle, full-blown laughter bounced off the walls of the small room. "That you'll always hate me? Or was it perhaps that you'd kill me one day? Were these things you've said to me or things you've grumbled about in the presence of someone else?"

Izaya had this idea that Shizuo hated him. Shizuo, apparently, wanted him dead. He always muttered something about strangling his neck or something along those lines. Shizuo felt his pride shine at that; he had done a successful job in giving Izaya such an impression.

"You seem to be doing better, annoying flea." He growled as he began making a certain someone's black coffee, finally deciding to move his eyes away from the other's poison-filled eyes. "But you of all people should know about slip-ups and a human's reaction to all this."

Izaya froze for a second. He knew that Shizuo was referring to that night a couple of weeks ago when Izaya spilt much more information than he ever intended to. He had probably tried his hardest to pretend as if that moment didn't happen. Shizuo understood; Izaya wasn't used to sharing things with him, and that was okay for now.

Shizuo gave him a side eye, watching his face as he thought of a counter to Shizuo's statement. The moment was gone the second it came as Izaya laughed again.

"Oh, trust me!" he cheered as he placed his palms on the counter and leaned forward. It wasn't some form of intimidation, but more of a tease, Shizuo concluded. Izaya wouldn't tell him the complete truth, and he was making sure Shizuo knew that. Though it irked Shizuo, he understood this as well. "I know more than you think. Anyway, I dropped by just to tell you not to get some wild ideas in your head."

"Wild ideas?" Shizuo repeated with a scoff. So he actually wanted to talk about that night. Shizuo would've been shocked, had he not expected every outcome that could've occurred, including the probability of each.

"A moment of," _vulnerability_ , Izaya wanted to say, Shizuo could tell, " _change in character_ doesn't mean anything. Don't let your protozoic brain try to comprehend illusionary events."

"Sure," Shizuo placed the lid on the cup, "But you have my number. Remember that. Whether you like to admit it or not, you have feelings, too, Izaya."

"Well, I best be on my way!" He threw a five dollar bill, grabbed his coffee, and waltzed out the door.

"You're human," Shizuo called out after him, right before he slipped through the door.

"See you, Shizu-chan!"

And he was gone. Shizuo smiled to himself as he put the change into the cash register. He couldn't help but let a chuckle out. The quiet chuckling soon turned into loud laughter. Izaya was just so wonderful to Shizuo. He couldn't wait until the day he finally got to have Izaya to himself. The day Izaya finally understood that lying to him was futile.

As Izaya walked out, a brunet slipped in. Shizuo's eyes shined at the brown eyes he always loved to see staring right back at him. Devoid of a smile, or of any expression really, the man took a few steps forward until he was standing right where Izaya had been moments ago.

"Kasuka!" Shizuo cheered out as he immediately began working on his brother's favourite order. Kasuka never had much spare time, but when he did, he always visited Shizuo. The two brothers were close and trusted each other with everything, so Kasuka was completely aware and updated on Shizuo's love for Izaya.

"Shizuo." He nodded his head in acknowledgment. His eyes flickered to the side, lingering on the window. "That was Izaya, I assume."

Shizuo's smile only grew. "Yeah, it was. Doesn't he always look so perfect."

"He looked different than I imagined."

"Different?" Shizuo questioned, his brows furrowing as he tried imagining how else Izaya could look like. He shoved all thoughts aside; he couldn't even think of offending Izaya like that. "But I've sent pictures before."

"Yes, but there's something different to him. He has something that's concealed in photos," he explained as he accepted the drink Shizuo held out for him. Taking a sip, he hummed. "Wonderful as always."

"What do you mean concealed? He always looks picture ready." Shizuo noticed somebody else walk in. Kasuka did too as he stepped aside. The blond quickly took his order and only half-tried at making the coffee nice. He gave the drink to the man, eyes still on Kasuka as he waited for an answer, but Kasuka's eyes weren't on him. They were on his phone. Shizuo leaned a bit further the counter to peak at it, only for his eyes to widen at a picture of Izaya.

"It's his eyes."

"But his—"

"Yes, they're fantastic," Kasuka interrupted. "But they seem to be filled with mischief."

Shizuo shrugged as he remembered Izaya's snarky remarks. "Well, you're not wrong about that. It's why almost everyone finds him so irritating."

"No, that's the thing." Kasuka stared at the photo for a moment longer before holding it out for Shizuo. "At first glance, you'd think to stay away from a man like him. He looks as if he could— and would— ruin your life with a few words."

"I don't get it," Shizuo admitted sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his neck. His brother was talking about his love– he was supposed to know everything! He was supposed to understand everything about him, whether they were true or not. Not being able to comprehend what Kasuka was saying was rising anger within him.

"So I expected to see those characteristics in real life."

"And you didn't?"

"I should've known you wouldn't have chosen someone... evil."

"Kasuka," he warned. Kasuka was his brother, he didn't like getting mad at him, but he couldn't help it when he was insulting his love like that.

"I'm referring to the photo," he clarified, waving his phone in the air to remind Shizuo. "Anyway, he was completely different."  
  
"Are you gonna tell me how?" He slightly raised his voice as he slammed his fist onto the counter. He could hear his coworker shriek and sigh in the background, but he couldn't care less about him right now.

"I saw nothing but sadness in him."

Shizuo froze at this. "Sadness? I mean, his... _boyfriend_ did die not too long ago."

Technically, the person Izaya thought he loved had died recently. He was still trying to get over his death— in fact, Shizuo had seen him look around the crime scene to prove it wasn't an accident. Shizuo had stiffed as he had watched Izaya search the ground for any clues. He was so glad Shinra convinced Izaya it wasn't doing him any good. Izaya surely would've found something that would've outed Shizuo. 

"No," Kasuka refuted, giving Shizuo's phone back. "As I said, the mischief had been my first impression. If you look back at it, you can see that he had always been sad."

Shizuo looked at the photo. He saw it. How couldn't he have seen it sooner? How much of an idiot could he have been to not notice this?

Kasuka's voice brought him out of his haunting thoughts. "By sad, I mean lonely."

"What?"

"You can tell that those eyes have seen a lot. He's just like you Shizuo. You both seem to be trying to find your place in the world. You both are looking for someone to hold you through the night in their arms."

"If you want to say somethin', just say it!" he growled out.

Kasuka looked him dead in the eyes. "He's the one Shizuo. Don't let him go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so march break is almost here! i hope to publish two chapters during that week, but ive a lot of work to do ;((
> 
> also, completely random:: honestly, i dont really watch anime.. my brother does, and sometimes, he would ask me to watch it with him, and because he gets this smile on his face, i always say yes. anyway, the point is that i rarely ever find one i reallllyyy like, but last week, my brother and i watched one called "terror in resonance" and i absolutely loved it! its my second favourite anime, right under noragami. i think it was beautiful and was really well made :)) it does sort of revolve around terrorism, so id advise you to take some precautions, should you decide to watch it. 
> 
> anyway, have a great day!


	9. You Make Me Stupid

Shizuo stared at Izaya. The latter currently sat at a table as he pretended to be focused on nothing but his coffee. However, if someone were to really watch Izaya, they would see that he was carefully observing those around him. It was a bit funny to Shiuzo; Izaya was always observing, so one would think he'd be aware when he was the one being watched.

Izaya was the same as he had been a week ago. He seemed fine on the outside— constantly smirking, throwing sarcastic remarks everywhere, but alone, Shizuo could see Izaya break down more and more each time. Whoever said time heals wounds was a liar and had clearly never felt any kind of suffering. Shizuo had enough of Izaya constantly raising his chin up high, but not in the same way as before; now, it was so much more forced than usual, it was obnoxious. Not to say he was bothered by Izaya— he could never say that— but he was annoyed by the impact such a situation had on his love.

Izaya's eyes then made contact with his. Shizuo wanted to call him over, but he didn't know how to. Even though his mouth may not have been able to form words, his eyes seemed to be enough to call out for Izaya, since the raven-haired man slowly stood up and approached the counter Shizuo stood behind.

"Yes?" he questioned. His chin raised by a fraction, and Shizuo could've sworn it was the same as all those weeks ago. Maybe Izaya was only normal when Shizuo was around. Shizuo would like to believe that.

"I want to punch you," he bluntly stated, trying to force some of the hatred caused by Shiki and other nuisances into his statement to make it seem as if it were for Izaya.

Izaya froze for a second. Shizuo saw it— he would always see the little slip-ups Izaya made, no matter how quick he covered them up. Izaya tilted his head, but his eyes lacked the glint it usually had. "Really now? May I ask if there's a reason other than your beastly instincts?"

"Your moping is driving me crazy," Shizuo huffed out, thinking of the best ways to fix this situation. _This ha_ _s_ _to be the hardest obstacle in our relationship right?_ _What could possibly be more difficult than this?_

Izaya opened his mouth to say something, but he seemed to have frozen again. The fake blond could see Izaya slowly close his mouth as he swallowed the lump in his throat. He liked how Izaya always reacted to him in such uncharacteristic ways.

_And I should be the only one who ever gets a reaction like this out of you._

"Four O'clock." The confusion in Izaya's eyes only grew, but Shizuo noticed some curiosity flow into his eyes. "That's when I finish. Being alone can't be doing you any good. Spend a few hours with me, and if you're still annoyed by my _beastly_ presence, I'll stop being such a... what d'you call me? Proto...."

"Protozoan," Izaya finished for him as he contemplated the idea. "With all the offence one can take, you'll never stop being a protozoan."

Shizuo growled. He really didn't know how to be the enemy at all. All he really knew in taking the part was how to growl. He couldn't possibly even _pretend_ to dislike Izaya.

"Four, you say," Izaya hummed out, his fingers drumming on the counter. Shizuo watched those instead of his eyes, watching the light tap of fingers on the surface, barely making a sound. "I guess it would be nice to observe the monster out of its only known habitat."

"Shut up." Shizuo took a quick glance at the clock; there were still three more hours to go. "So what, is that a yes?"

"Should've known that I would have to spell it out for you," Izaya giggled, and Shizuo couldn't help but let a small smile show; he could hear the genuine amusement in his giggles.

_I could die listening to you giggle. I love making you happy._

"See you in a minute, Shizu-chan," Izaya bid as he wiggled the same fingers that had been tapping on the counter. He spun around, walking out the door with the grace Shizuo recognized from weeks ago. He threw out his empty cup in the recycling as he made his way to the door.

What he did next was something Shizuo never would've expected. From all the months Shizuo had been observing Izaya — from all the outcomes he thought up of in his head— _never would he have expected what Izaya did._

When Izaya reached the door, his hands grabbed onto the handle. He stopped for a moment, his head turning around, and Shizuo could see him suppressing a smile.

_You turned around for me._

——

Shizuo thought back to weeks ago, all the way back to one of his and Izaya's first encounters. He was certain— _so sure_ his observations were correct. He was right for the most part; Izaya only turned around to gauge out a reaction of his humans. If he didn't look back, that meant he felt as if he didn't have to impatiently pull out a reaction. Something was different about it though. Shizuo couldn't get Izaya's smile out of his head. Sure, Shizuo might be taking advantage of the situation and of Izaya's weakness, but he liked to think of himself as an opportunist. Besides, Izaya would eventually love him. Doing it now only quickened the process, and Shizuo would do anything to get Izaya in his arms in the fastest way possible.

Izaya's smile was haunting him over anything else though. Mkay he felt he had someone else in his life that wouldn't leave him, that could've been the reason for the genuine reaction. Izaya hadn't even looked back to Shiki— that had to be saying something about their relationship, right? Maybe their relationship was progressing faster than he thought. The idea sent flutters to his heart as it pounded against his chest.

There were still fifteen minutes left until their chosen meeting time, but Shizuo couldn't stop pacing back and forth behind the counter. It hadn't been a particularly busy day, so there was nothing to help distract him from his date with Izaya.

Shizuo stopped pacing at the thought. He shouldn't be referring to this... _going out_ as a date. He may accidentally slip up in front Izaya or say something close to romantic, and everything would fall apart. Izaya wasn't ready to realize his love for Shizuo just yet, and that was okay for now. Shizuo was fine, and with Kasuka approving, he felt even greater than he normally would.

Kasuka knew of his love for Izaya, but he wasn't exactly aware of the things he would do for Izaya— how far he was willing to go to make Izaya realize his feelings for him. He had no idea about what he did to Shiki, but Shizuo was sure Kasuka would understand. He always did. He was such a great brother.

"Keep pacing like that and you'll end up digging yourself six feet under."

Shizuo whipped around to see Izaya standing by the cash register, his elbows on the counter as he leaned forward. He looked to have been observing Shizuo for at least a few minutes. Shizuo stared at his figure; he always looked so gorgeous, and Shizuo couldn't help but stare for a minute.

Izaya tilted his head toward Shizuo, trying to grab his attention. "Hey, if you wanted to stare, all you had to do was ask."

"You're beautiful," Shizuo whispered out.

It took Izaya a moment to process what was said. A moment after, his cheeks flushed a bit at the blunt statement. He then scoffed as he straightened up, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Stupid Shizu-chan. Are you ready to leave for a few hours?"

"Leave where?" Shizuo questioned, though he did have an idea in mind. He knew exactly where to take Izaya. He pulled his apron over his head and threw it somewhere on the floor as he left his spot from behind the counter. He began walking towards the door.

"You're the one who invited me You're supposed to have this all figured out." Izaya took longer strides as he tried to keep up with Shizuo. He was so graceful even when he was so uncomfortable. Shizuo nearly laughed; a little bit faster and Izaya would basically be jogging as he tried to keep up with him.

"Don't worry," Shizuo reassured as he stared straight ahead, only letting his eyes wander a bit to glance at Izaya. "I know where we can talk."

Izaya raised an eyebrow, an amused smile rising to his lips. "Shizu-chan, you aren't taking me somewhere just to murder me, right? That would just be awful."

_As if I could ever want to murder you. You have the face of everything I could ever want. Why would I want to ever destroy my love?_

"Keep talking and I just might."

"Oh, well, that's just cruel!"

"Are you not the one who asked?"

—-

Russia Sushi. It was Izaya's favourite restaurant, he had known that from the very beginning. Izaya would come here nearly twice a week for fatty tuna. Shizuo couldn't understand why he enjoyed such bitter food, but everybody had their odd interests, and Shizuo decided he loved all of Izaya's.

The way Izaya's eyes lit up was similar to the glow of lanterns at the Lantern Festival; they were beautiful, soft, yet so fierce and vulnerable. It was genuine surprise and appreciation in his red eyes. Shizuo could see hints of happiness, too, if he really looked.

"Shizu-chan," Izaya breathed out as he stared up at the restaurant's name. He seemed to still be in a shocked state, and Shizuo let him have his moment; he knew Izaya was still trying to process that Shizuo was clearly an important figure in his life. "You aren't stalking me, are you?"

Shizuo's blood turned cold. It had been such a warm moment; the orange of lanterns he imagined that had softened all of Izaya's features quickly swept away as his shoulders tensed at merely six words.

Izaya turned to him, his smile as bright as his eyes as he laughed. Shizuo calmed down, he had to or else he would be giving his cover away. Of course, he didn't plan on keeping all this from Izaya for forever; he would tell him everything once he was sure Izaya was aware of his feelings and wouldn't react in a negative way— once he fully understood why Shizuo did what he did.

_Besides, it's not stalking. I'm just keeping an eye on you to make sure you're okay— to know what you love so I can give it to you._

"As if," Shizuo scoffed as he walked into the restaurant. That had been a close call. How many times did he have to tell himself he couldn't afford any more mistakes? If he continued making such impactful mistakes, Izaya would leave him before he realized his love for him. He had to be more aware of his reactions.

The two were brought to a table by a Russian worker. Shizuo never formally met the man, only saw him casually speak to Izaya whenever the latter visited the restaurant. They seemed a bit close, like friends, Shizuo would think. Simon, the man, seemed to have a certain kind of protective aura when it came to Izaya. Shizuo wasn't jealous or intimidated by him, he was no more than a good man. He could tell.

Shizuo subtly watched Izaya as the latter pretended to read his menu. They both knew what he really wanted. They both knew what he was going to get. It was interesting to see Izaya pretend to focus on the words, his eyes pausing at some dishes' names for effect. If Shizuo didn't know any better, he would think Izaya was genuinely reading through the many different options.

"You know what you're getting?" he asked once Izaya closed his menu. "I have no idea what I'm in the mood for."

"A beast like would probably want something that's heavier on the meat, ne?" Izaya teased, his fingers covering his mouth as if to muffle his words from Shizuo. "I was thinking of getting Otoro."

"Of course a bitter heart would like bitter food," he hissed out. Izaya only laughed silently as he called someone over to get their orders.

"Just try some," Izaya suggested, his eyes back on him. Shizuo made a sound of protest, a growl-like sound. "What, don't think you could handle something so tasteful?"

"What can I get you both?"

Minutes later, Shizuo stared at the plate in front of him. Izaya had already begun eating, and though he seemed unaware of anything else but the tuna, Shizuo knew he was waiting for him to take a bite. He couldn't. He could smell the bitterness from the fish. He was a guy who preferred sweet kind of food, the complete opposite of this.

"Guess you really didn't have it in you after all, eh?"

That comment was the last thing Shizuo needed to hear before he put some in his mouth. He couldn't possibly even think about disappointing Izaya like that— with such a simple task! Imagine if he couldn't even eat his lover's favourite food. How embarrassing that would be.

He chewed slowly. Originally, he was tempted to just swallow it all down, refusing to let any on his tastebuds, but with the look Izaya was giving, waiting to see if he would like it or not, was enough to keep him for spitting it right back out.

He swallowed his bite and Izaya laughed. Shizuo hadn't seen Izaya laugh in so long like that, and it was nice it hear it again. He seemed so uncaring for the world, as if the sadness and pain he felt in the past few weeks didn't even occur. Shizuo wanted to give this kind of happiness to Izaya everyday. He loved seeing Izaya nearly in tears from laughing so hard.

"It isn't for everyone, I suppose," he managed to say between giggles as he quieted down. He had finished his food way before, just observing Shizuo now.

Shizuo scowled as Izaya reached over to his plate and grabbed the fish. "No, it isn't for _anyone_ except fleas like you?"

Izaya said nothing about the supposed nickname, only grinned at it. No more words were exchanged between the two, only glances as Izaya mainly finished the fish, Shiuzo trying his best to help out, but he only ended up cringing every time. In the end, he admitted defeat. He was the embarrassment he refused to be earlier.

The two walked out into the Tokyo air. The sun had set long ago. Because of the winter season, the sun set a lot earlier than Shizuo would like it to. At the moment, however, he couldn't deny that he appreciated the early sunset.

Izaya's face was as it had been earlier today when he stared up at Russia Sushi. He was beautiful in the lights of the city. His face hadn't softened by happiness, but the lights reflected off his face in such a way Shizuo couldn't look away no matter how hard he tried.

Izaya rubbed his hands together to gain some warmth as he looked around the streets, his lively humans bustling around. It was magnificent to him. He noticed Shizuo's lack of words and turned to him to question the man, but stopped when he caught the look on Shizuo's face.

"It's a shame there are so many people around to see—" _how wonderful you look right now,_ he was going to say. However, he stopped once he realized what he was saying. _You make me stupid, Izaya._

"Shizu-chan?" Izaya questioned, waving his hand around the blond's face as he snapped his fingers with his other.

"Nothing," Shizuo quickly said, finally recovering from his moment of shock. He felt some blood rush to his cheeks, something he hadn't experienced in a while. Only Izaya could make him feel so human and not the monster people usually depict him as.

"Oh, come on!" Izaya whined as the two began walking. Izaya walked in front of Shizuo, his back facing everything but the blond as he walked backwards, arms looped around his back. "You can't just start with something like that and just not continue!"

Shizuo smiled, shoving his hands into his pockets. "The lights shine on your face real nice, you know?"

Izaya stopped at his statement. Shizuo did, too, to keep himself from toppling over Izaya. Izaya stared up at him, his eyes lingering as his mouth was slightly dropped. Shizuo thought he looked cute with such a shocked look on his face. With the man only a mere metre away from him, it was easy to close the gap between them, to have his lips against the other's. It was so easy. So tempting.

"Shizu-chan's really weird," he commented as he took a few steps back and turned around, walking the proper way. "Well, I think I'm going to head back now. I assume this is where we part ways."

"Yeah, okay." Shizuo was sad that this day was coming to an end. He had a wonderful couple of hours. They were unforgettable and he wanted to replay them over and over and over again. Being so close to Izaya and his genuine expressions had been amazing. He never wanted this day to end.

Izaya was silent for a moment. "I think it did end up doing me some good."

Still in his daze, Shizuo shook his head to get a better focus. "What?"

"You were great company for a monster." He looked at Shizuo over his shoulder, a small smile resting on his lips. "Maybe it wouldn't be too bad if I hung around the café a bit more."

He then skipped away. Shizuo wanted to so badly chase after him and never let him go. Everyday, he seemed to fall in love with him all over again. Izaya's smile was now engraved into his brain, and he wasn't so sure if he wanted to focus on anything else anymore.


	10. Only Show This Side of You to Me

_Shizuo sat tables away from Izaya. The latter had been reading a book as he sipped at his coffee. He had only seen the man a handful of times, but it didn't matter how many times Shizuo saw him; Shizuo would always be amazed._

_He couldn't really see what book he was reading, but he could tell Izaya was really into it. They both had been enjoying each other's company for the past fifteen minutes. Izaya may not have exactly known he was watching him, but part of Izaya's unguarded expression had to be because he felt comfortable around Shizuo, right?_

_Shizuo's eyes narrowed when a man sat across from Izaya. He had never seen the guy before, and Izaya seemed annoyed by him as well. The man grabbed his book and read the lines that had Izaya so engrossed in._

_"Devant les trahisons et les têtes courbées, je croiserai les bras, indigné, mais serein," the man read from the book, eyeing Izaya with a look that had Shizuo gripping the cup of his hot chocolate hard. What language was that even? It sounded like Spanish or something along those lines. If he had known the love of his life would know another language, he would've learnt every language he knew the name of sooner._

_"I would appreciate it—"_

_"J'adore les hommes qui sont rebelles," the man interrupted with a wink. Shizuo concluded that the language was French (the giveaway being 'j'adore les hommes'), the language of love and romance, or so he's heard. He really wished he learnt some basics. "Donc—"_

_Izaya made a face of scrunching his face, as if he were in disgust. "Et je n'aime pas les hommes qui me harcèlent. Au revoir,_ mon ami _."_

_Izaya hastily got up, seeming eager to get away from the man. He grabbed his bag and shot out the door as the man continued to recall their conversation. He suddenly jolted up and spun towards the door, heading towards the entrance in hopes of finding the raven-haired man._

_Shizuo shook his head at the man's idiocy as he stood up. If Izaya didn't want to speak to someone, that someone would never find him again. Shizuo's eyes fell on Izaya's former table, his book still lying upside down on the table._

_He walked over to it and picked it up. Victor Hugo's '_ Ultima Verba _'. He skimmed the pages before realizing he couldn't understand any of the words. He decided to take the book with him to translate when he got home._

_However, before he shut the book, a sentence caught his eye. He may not have understood it, but there was something about the words that spoke to him._

_"Et s'il n'en reste qu'un, je serai celui-là!"_

A bell chimed and Shizuo jolted out of his memory. He didn't have much time to think about it too much, instead being distracted by two men walking in, an identical grin on both of their faces. Shizuo never realized how similarly mischievous they were. He smiled as the two approached him.

"Shizu-chan!" Izaya's voice rang into his ears as the other hopped up to the front. Shinra was beside him with an odd look on his face behind the grin, one Shizuo didn't recognize. "Shinra wants to try some black coffee!"

"No," Shinra flicked Izaya's forehead, "I don't."

Izaya stuck his tongue out at Shinra, who only pulled a packet of salt out of his pockets and sprinkled it onto the raven's tongue in a split second. He was so quick, even Izaya didn't see him move. Izaya spat out and demanded Shizuo to hurry up with their coffee.

"You have to stop doing that, it's not very nice, you know," Izaya said once he recollected himself. Izaya's eyes glazed over their pastry display. "Ooh, what's that?"

Shizuo's eyes followed the direction of Izaya's gaze and smiled even wider. He took one out and placed it into Izaya's hands, who only analyzed every bit of the pastry.

"It's a coffee cookie," Shizuo explained. Izaya took a sniff at it and his eyes brightened up Shizuo could see the corner of his mouth slightly twitch up. "You seem to really like coffee, so I asked around, and the manager agreed that it would be a great idea."

"You asked around?" Izaya's voice asked, a little quieter than usual with a bit of hesitance with it. It was like he couldn't believe someone would do something like this for him.

"Yeah," Shinra cut in, an arm looping over Izaya's shoulders. Shizuo furrowed his brows at the sudden defence Shinra was playing at. "I asked him to a couple weeks ago."

Izaya rolled his eyes as he stared at the cookie. "How much are you selling them for?"

$1.50, Shizuo was supposed to say. It was what he meant to say, but instead, some other words flew out of his mouth before he could catch them.

"It doesn't matter. I can always pay for you. Think of it as my gift to you." Shizuo looked to Shinra, who still had the odd look on his face. Shizuo wasn't too sure what it was, but he was certain that he had seen the look before.

Izaya smirked, grabbing both the coffees Shizuo held out. He looked to Shinra. "I think it's your turn to pay, Shinra."

"Wait, that's not—"

But Izaya was gone, nothing but his laugh lingering around the café. Shinra sighed dramatically as he tapped his card onto the machine. He looked back up to Shizuo, some disdain displayed across his face.

"It's a bit weird, you know," he started, placing his card back into his wallet. "He's never had many friends before, so he's not sure how they're supposed to act."

Shizuo wanted to ask what he exactly meant, but he couldn't. The man took his time leaving the café, so that couldn't have been Shizuo's excuse this time. No, this time he held back because he finally realized what the look on Shinra's face was.

It was suspicion.

——

_"Et s'il n'en reste qu'un, je serai celui-là!"_

It meant 'And if there's only one left, I will be that one!'

Shizuo had laid in bed and thought it over and over when he first heard it. He wondered and stared at his ceiling as if it would give him the answers. That line had to have meant something to Izaya. It had begun to mean something for Shizuo too.

Days after, Shizuo found Izaya sitting at the same table with the same book; peeking over, Shizuo saw that he was on the same page that he had been on days ago. Seeing him with the same book made Shizuo a bit happy, they both were connected through the book in a sense, since they both had a copy now.

That day, the day the man approached Izaya, was stuck in Shizuo's head. Izaya had been so out of character, and even if at the time he had only been keeping an eye on Izaya for a week or so, he had still found something off about their conversation. He got home and translated the things he remembered Izaya saying to the guy.

_"And I don't like men who pester me,"_ Izaya had said. Shizuo was confused. Izaya claimed to have loved humanity, each and every single one of them no matter what they did that bothered Izaya— and to outright express his dislike to one of his precious humans was even weirder.

It took him a while, but eventually, Shizuo figured it out. It wasn't as big of a revelation as he thought it would be, but it was something. The man had just caught Izaya at a bad time with some bad thoughts. Shizuo had gone into Izaya's room during those days and found a journal. He opened it and didn't find any entries, but poetry instead. It seemed like he wrote his feelings and thoughts in poems so if someone were to stumble upon the journal and read them, they would have no idea what it exactly meant. Shizuo took pictures and decided to figure them out on his own.

From what he concluded, Izaya and Shiki had a fight. Izaya said something, telling Shiki he loved him like all his other humans, and that had gotten Shiki more than upset. Izaya had told him he would always be standing, whether he had an army of his precious humans or was alone.

_"Et s'il n'en reste qu'un, je serai celui-là!"_

_And if there's only one left, I will be that one._ Shizuo saw the similarity between the line and Izaya's situation, and he finally understood why Izaya was so hung up on the line.

Shizuo realized why his eyes stuck on the line when he picked up Izaya's forgotten book. In a way, he felt the same. He was always fighting, always walking through fires, and he always felt so alone. He just wanted someone to stand with him, to help him fight for what he wanted, even if he hadn't been sure what exactly he was fighting for. He was so close to giving up, and then he saw Izaya. At first, Izaya only caught his eye, but as days went on and as he read the line from the poem, everything became so much clearer.

He was fighting for Izaya, and he didn't care if no one stood with him.

——

The look on Shinra's face was stuck in Shizuo's head. Suspicion, but for what? What did he do to give away his thoughts? Was it just an intuition Shinra felt—just an instinct? Maybe he was also just protective of Izaya.

That got Shizuo to stop making the customer's coffee. If that were the case, if Shinra just wanted to keep Izaya from danger, he couldn't go off and blame Shinra about that kind of thing. He understood why Shinra would want to protect Izaya, and he couldn't stop him from doing so. Izaya deserved as much love as he could get, even if he only needed Shizuo's love.

"My favourite monster has been really distracted lately," Shizuo looked up and saw Izaya standing on the other side of the counter, a grin stretched across his lips, "Hasn't he?"

"Izaya," he called out, surprised the raven-haired man was here. "What're you doing? You were already here earlier today."

"What, is there some policy that _a paying customer_ can't come to the café twice in a day?" Izaya asked, holding up his credit card, twirling it between his fingers the same way Shizuo's seen him twirl his knife.

"You tryna seduce me with your money? 'Cause it doesn't matter how many zeros are in your bank account, I," _will love you_ _for_ _your heart alone,_ "I just don't focus on stuff like that."

Izaya's face dropped. The card he was twirling nearly fell out of his hands. Shizuo furrowed his eyes brows at the out of character action; Izaya was always so graceful. It was weird to see Izaya become so bashful in a split second.

"Did it really seem as if I were trying to seduce you?" Izaya asked in a lower voice than usual, his eyes pleading Shizuo, but Shizuo wasn't sure what for.

He shook his head. Izaya seemed to drop his tensed shoulders, and Shizuo wondered what got him so riled up in the first place. "What was with all that?"

To put Izaya at ease, he began working on a coffee. He heard a light exhale before a reply. "Absolutely nothing! I just didn't want people to think that I would ever go so low as to lure a beast.. like that."

His voice sounded normal and his eyes were back to their narrowed criticizing nature, but Shizuo knew Izaya. Everything seemed normal except for the raise of his chin. Shizuo sighed at that. "Izaya."

"Fine," Izaya began in a quiet voice again, "I just don't want people to think that... my intentions are like that when I talk to them. If the way I talk sounds like I'm trying to..."

Shizuo smirked, making sure he was hidden from Izaya's view as he poured the coffee into the cup. "But it would be okay for me to think like that?"

"And where did you get that wild idea from?" Izaya accepted the coffee and tapped his card on the machine. "Anyway, there's a reason I'm here again. It's almost four, so your shift's almost done, yes?"

Shizuo grunted, hoping it had the tone of agreement. "Why does it matter?"

"My, you're oblivious!" Izaya whisper-shouted as he quickly hid his mouth behind his cup of coffee. A sip later, he spoke again. "Yesterday was kind of fun. There's not a lot of people I actually talk to, so having someone other than Shinra to hang out with was nice."

Shizuo froze at Izaya's genuine smile, which he continued to try to hide with his coffee. Shizuo saw it though. _As if you could ever hide anything from me._

"Give me ten minutes."

——

"Can I really trust you?" Shizuo found himself asking. Izaya insisted that since Shizuo chose where they hung out last time, he should choose where they go now. Izaya currently skipped along the sidewalk, pausing every minute or so to let Shizuo catch up to him with his long strides.

"Of course!" Izaya beamed, staring up at the bright sky. He had a gentle smile on his face, one Shizuo was sure would break if anyone were to ever touch it. _This is exactly why you should only show this side of you to me. You don't need anyone else. I will always be enough for you._

"Shizu-chan?" Shizuo shook his head as he recollected his thoughts. He focused on Izaya's face, which was a few feet away from his; yet, Shizuo never felt closer to him. Izaya seemed concerned, it was easy to hide with the playful smile now on his lips.

"What, tired already?" Shizuo teased as he began walking again. He couldn't even remember stopping. "This is why a scrawny guy like you should eat more."

"Hey!" Izaya huffed as he turned his face to the front and away from Shizuo. "It's just my physique. I eat _plenty,_ not that it should matter to you."

_Liar,_ Shizuo shook his head slightly. _I've seen all that you eat in a day. I eat more than you in a day than you eat in a week._

"Yeah, whatever," Shizuo shrugged off. They had their whole life in front of them; they could always argue about something like this at a more appropriate time, once Izaya finally realized whose arms he's meant to be in. "So, you gonna tell me where we're going?"

"You mean you haven't figured it out yet?" Izaya laughed, as if he knew a secret Shizuo didn't. To his knowledge, he was right, but Shizuo knew exactly where they were going. He knew the moment Izaya set foot into the café the second time today. "Well, then, you're just going to have to wait another minute or two."

Shizuo let his eyes fall metres ahead of them. Another minute, and they would there, for sure. It was a flower garden; Shizuo was sure Izaya didn't have that much of an interest in flowers, but he knew someone that did. Just the thought of Shiki's name was enough to make his blood feel as if it were on fire.

He wasn't exactly sure why Izaya would bring him here. Maybe to replace Shiki? For some reason, that seemed unlikely to Shizuo. It just didn't seem like something Izaya would do. Yet, he had no other explanation, so being a rebound was his best guess.

"We're here!" Izaya gestured to the flower garden's sign. It looked a bit run down, but the flowers inside seemed anything but dead.

"A...flower garden?" Shizuo feigned confusion. "You don't seem like that kinda guy."

Izaya gave him a sad smile, one he was sure he wouldn't give to anyone else, other than Shiki and Shinra. "You're right. I didn't have much of an interest in flowers. Shiki did though. He would take me to a garden on the most random days." Izaya gave a small laugh, probably to cover the sadness he felt in his voice. He made sure to keep his enticing eyes away from Shizuo's. "I haven't gone so long without going to a garden, and it would be weird to go with Shirna— he has good intentions at heart, but he can't help but to ramble on about his fiancé, and then I thought about the only other person that I—"

He then looked at Shizuo, and Shizuo saw the nervousness swirling in his eyes instead of mischief. "Hey," he called out as he took a step closer towards Izaya. "It's fine, I don't mind."

_You can't lie to yourself, Izaya_. Shizuo gave Izaya a reassuring smile, loving the way the other's shoulder's dropped subtly. _We both know the real reason why you brought me here._

"Just make sure you keep your beastly instincts intact." Izaya stepped into the garden, already looking at the first batch of flowers designed to the sides. In front of them was a path clear of any obstructions, and the border of the path was littered with different patches of flowers.

Shizuo said nothing as he walked beside Izaya. Izaya explained each and every flower and their different meanings as well as their different uses. For someone who said they didn't have much of an interest in flowers, he sure knew a whole lot about them.   
  
Before Shizuo knew it, the day had gone and the sun was setting. They had spent hours looking at different flowers and what they meant; Shizuo had, however, focused more on how bright Izaya's eyes would get and how they would fill with sadness and grief every now and then. They now currently were walking back to Izaya's apartment. Izaya tried to tell him he could get back on his own, but Shizuo insisted.

"My favourite was the Higanbana," Izaya explained, his eyes staring down at the sidewalk as they walked beside each other. "Despite its red beauty, it could be deadly. It's why it guides the dead to their next life. It just shows that everyone has some kind of purpose if they use their potential. It's said to grow in hell but it gives people a new life. Tell me, Shizu-chan, do you think giving life is a sign of evil or good?"

"Huh?" Shizuo blinked as he stared at Izaya. "Why would it ever be a bad thing?"

"Have you seen the world?" he asked, staring at the red and orange hues of the sky as the sun continued to set. "It's ugly, but my humans make the best of it. Underneath all the good, there's death, which is inevitable. All good things come to an end. Say giving someone life isn't a great thing, would that mean the Higanbana, which guides souls to their next life, is truly evil? Deception at its finest, eh?"

Izaya looked to Shizuo and continued on. "Also, I just want to say I... appreciate you coming along with me. I know it's weird, but I don't know what I would do without someone with me. I think it actually helped—"

Shizuo couldn't hear Izaya's words anymore. The orange glowed off Izaya's skin as he looked up at Shizuo with his charming smile. His eyes were brighter than ever. Shizuo couldn't help but stare at Izaya. He had been doing it too often, but he couldn't look away.

"There's nobody like you, Izaya," Shizuo found himself saying. Izaya stopped talking with a curious look as he tried finding answers on Shizuo's face. Shizuo raised a hand and placed it on Izaya's soft cheek, caressing it with his thumb. "You're—"

His hand was swatted away. Surprised, he found Izaya a few feet away from him, his eyes glistening with something akin to tears. Izaya forced himself to keep them back though, Shizuo could tell.

"I can't believe you," his low voice sounded through the empty streets. "I was just telling you about the closure I got from today, and you go and just— I," Izaya lowered his hand from where it was raised in the air. He seemed like he wanted to hit something out of his frustration, and unlike Shizuo, he had much better self control. "I just needed a friend today," Izaya whispered as he looked away. 

"Izaya!" Shizuo called out as Izaya spun on his heels and walked away. Shizuo let him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***translations***  
> -Devant les trahisons et les têtes courbées, je croiserai les bras, indigné, mais serein - in front of the traitors and their bowed heads, i'll cross my arms, indignant, but serene   
> \- J'adore les hommes qui sont rebelles (...) Donc—i love men who're rebellious (...) so  
> -Et je n'aime pas les hommes qui me harcèlent. Au revoir, mon ami - and i don't like men who pester me. goodbye, my friend
> 
> ***higanbana-red flower lilies   
> \------------------   
> please tell me if ive got some information wrong :/ i tried doing the thing izaya does.. you know the talking thing. the red flower lily information could be wrong, i dont know, i just searched it up...haha...
> 
> also, je suis désolé pour mon terrible français. please tell if there needs to be any corrections. 
> 
> i do realize how out of character izaya seems, and i apologize, but just bear through it...cause plot reasons. it may seem like the story's going really fast, but thats just because shizuo is impatient, despite how careful he is. in case anybody needs some clarifications, shizuo basically misinterpreted all of izayas responses and pretended izaya was reacting the way he wanted him to


	11. We're the Exact Same

_"You're beautiful," Shizuo whispered out._

_"Stupid Shizu-chan. Are you ready to leave for a few hours?"_

Shizuo groaned as he recalled the memory. Izaya had blushed that day, but now that he thought about it, it didn't necessarily mean he was embarrassed by Shizuo's advance; it could've meant he didn't feel right by being complimented like that— in such a flirtatious way.

_"The lights shine on your face real nice, you know?"_

_"Shizu-chan's really weird."_

Shizuo rolled over on his bed, digging his face into the mattress.

_"You tryna seduce me with your money?"._

_"Did it really seem as if I were trying to seduce you?"_

There were so many signs telling him just how Izaya felt with his comments! How could he be so blind?

_"Also, I just want to say I... appreciate you coming along with me. I know it's weird, but I don't know what I would do without someone with me. I think it actually helped—"_

_"There's nobody like you, Izaya. You're—"_

_"I cant believe you. "I was just telling you about the closure I got from today, and you go and just— I just needed a friend today."_

Izaya needed a friend. He hadn't had very many in his life, so he didn't exactly get what that meant. He didn't know how friends were supposed to act, so he bore through the flirting Shizuo did, thinking that was just how friends were supposed to be. No matter how awkward it made him feel, he pretended it was normal _because he thought it was._

And Shizuo knew that! He knew exactly how Izaya's experience with friends was, yet he made a stupid mistake like this anyway! He was so caught up in finally getting close to Izaya, he ignored his patience.

_"He's never had many friends before, so he's not sure how they're supposed to act."_

Even Shinra gave advice! When he made a mistake before, it was easy to pass off. This time, he really messed up, and he wasn't sure how to get through this one.

Shizuo sighed loudly, rolling over onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. _I'm sorry, Izaya. I promise to make it up to you._

_——_

Shizuo waited. He made sure not to miss any work, to arrive an hour early and to work as late as he possibly could. Izaya just didn't show up. He hadn't for weeks, three, to be exact. Shizuo was worried, but he decided to give Izaya the time he needed to settle down. He wasn't going to risk going to Izaya's dorm to check up on him, not after he was caught. It was tempting, but the events of when Izaya caught him were still fresh in his mind. If Izaya were to see him again, he would do anything he could to stay away from Shizuo. He was sure.

For now, all he could do was wait. It wasn't much, he wanted to do so much more, but for the mistake that he made, it was a small price to pay. It could've been much worse. He could only hope that one day Izaya would show up again.

The bell chimed, but Shizuo refused to get excited. It was never him, and he had to learn that it might be a while longer before he got to see Izaya again.

"Wow, you're gloomy!"

The blond's eyes shot up at the familiar voice. He really had to get his mind back on track so he wouldn't be so surprised anymore.

"Shinra?" Shizuo questioned, an eyebrow raised in question. Neither of them said anything, only staring at each other as Shizuo tried processing why he might've been here. Shizuo blinked when he remembered where they currently were. "Oh, would you like something?"

"Not black coffee, that was gross." Shinra made a face, a gagging sound to express his disgust. Shizuo found it unsettling how this man was hating on Shizuo's lover's favourite drink. "But an iced coffee will do, thank you!"

Shizuo didn't question the man's words. Although both were bitter, he was sure that some people could maybe tell the difference. He was sure Izaya could.

His heart stung at the name, reminding him of his mistakes and the trembling in Izaya's hand he tried to hide. He forced the flashes of the memory away, focusing on the iced coffee he was making instead. He put the lid on and passed it to Shinra, who accepted it with a grin.

"So what's got you all gloomy?" The look in Shinra's eyes told him he knew exactly what was bothering Shizuo.

Shizuo looked around, noticing the nearly empty café. It was always conveniently empty when he least wanted it to be. With a sigh, his eyes drifted back to Shinra. "I made a mistake."

"Yes, you did!" Shinra cheered, taking a sip before making the same scrunched-up face he made earlier. "He lied to me!"

Shizuo knew he made a mistake— he had no problem with admitting it even, but for Shinra to say it the way he did angered Shizuo a bit. The look of disgust and discomfort across Shinra's face was nothing less than pleasing for Shizuo.

"Is there anything else I could help you with?" Truly, Shizuo didn't want to talk about this so soon. He was hoping to talk to Shinra for advice since he seemed to know Izaya the best, but Shizuo was still confused by the look of suspicion he gave earlier. He had hoped to speak with him much later than now.

"He was grieving," Shinra let out, his playful manner completely gone, "He wanted a friend, not some rebound."

"He told you?" If Shinra and Izaya were close, it might be hard to get rid of him. Izaya would be even more upset, and Shizuo didn't want to do anything that saddened him unless he had to. Shiki's death was already so hard to deal with.

"Well, of course! I'm his only friend!" Shinra stared down at the untouched drink in his hands. "I was hoping he found another."

"I—"

"You seem like you care for him. Why is that?"

Shizuo froze. It was clear that Shinra wouldn't be supportive of their relationship, so he couldn't make it sound too lovey. "I'm not too sure. I just...think he's like me, in a way. I just want to help him."

Shinra looked up with a smile. "Right now, we can only help by being there for him when he needs us. Replacing.. what's he's lost wouldn't be good for him, you get it? Just be a friend."

Shizuo said nothing as Shinra turned around and walked out. He left the iced coffee here and he slightly smiled at that. Izaya for sure tricked him into thinking iced coffee tasted nothing like actual coffee.

——

Shizuo decided Shinra wasn't a problem. He only had Izaya's best interests at heart, and he was sure once this whole thing passed over, Shinra would be rooting for them to get together. For now, he had to take things slow though.

Just be a friend, Shizuo reminded himself. He couldn't make Izaya uncomfortable with his gestures or words anymore. He didn't want Izaya to be like that around him anymore. He was already so trusting, and just thinking of Izaya wanting to be around him without feeling anything that wasn't worry was sending flutters to Shizuo's heart.

It was another week before Izaya showed up at the café again.

Shizuo had been wiping down tables. Apparently, he had been scaring away too many customers with the scowl on his face and his angry voice. His coworker didn't think it would be good for business, and thus removed him from his position. It wasn't like this had been any better; Shizuo had broken a table. Almost a chair too, but he managed to calm down before breaking that. If he broke a chair, he would get fired, and if he were to get fired, he wouldn't get too see Izaya as much. That had been enough for him to not damage any more property.

"I see my favourite monster has been demoted."

Shizuo's head whipped up. He was currently peeling some gum off the bottom of tables— _why people did something so bothersome was beyond him._ The familiar voice came from the figure sitting on the table, his legs crossed. Shizuo gaped at him, slowly standing up. Izaya had the smirk he always had on his face, his voice just as teasing as always. He seemed so natural, as if sitting on a table were normal. He acted as if it hadn't been a month — which was torture, to say the least —- and as if their conversation had never happened weeks ago. He pretended Shizuo hadn't made the biggest mistake in history, as if they had always been okay.

"Izaya," was all he managed to get out. He didn't know what to say. His eyes wide in surprise as he stared at the other man. It had practically been a month— _a month_ without seeing Izaya. He barely managed to get through it.

Izaya hopped off the table and stared at Shizuo. "Are you going to take my order or should I start going elsewhere to get my morning coffee?"

Izaya walked up to the front of the counter, where he always went to order. He stared up at the menu, slightly squinting at the words as Shizuo walked behind him. His coworker appeared from behind the _employees only_ door, ready to take Izaya's order. Shizuo glared until the man slowly retreated back inside.

"Izaya, I'm sorry—"

"Yoo-hoo! Is anyone going to take my order? I forgot beasts are incompetent!" Izaya called out, his eyes wandering around the vacant spot behind the counter Shizuo normally stood at. "The one time your pesky coworker isn't around, eh?"

"I—"

"Next time I'll go somewhere else, but right now, make me a black coffee, if you remember," Izaya interrupted, refusing to look at Shizuo.

It suddenly clicked in Shizuo's mind. Izaya was avoiding the issue like he always had done. Whenever Izaya had a worry or a concern or something that was bothering him, he would pretend it wasn't there. He would ignore it until he couldn't. He would pretend to be fine one second, but then everything would hit him the next; all his overthinking and problems would pop into his head at once. It wasn't healthy, but it was Izaya.

Izaya pretended everything was fine. He pretended Shizuo hadn't done anything wrong. It was just how Izaya coped. _Not today._ Shizuo would make sure he would apologize today, _right now._ It didn't matter if Izaya didn't like it, but he was going to listen. He and Izaya were going to get through this today.

"I made a mistake, I had— I didn't know," Shizuo started, but no thoughts were connected in his head. They were all messed around and he thought if he just began speaking, it would flow naturally. Apparently, he had been wrong.

The best way to get his apology across would be to sympathize with him. He had to show Izaya that he understood. _I'm just like you, Izaya. We are the exact same._

"I was insensitive. I wasn't being the friend that you needed, and I'm sorry. I haven't had much experience with people like you do."He knew that was a lie. Izaya, despite his observing humans hobby, knew little of how to socialize with his precious humans, but Shizuo wasn't supposed to know that yet. "I've never really been good with talking to people. I mostly spoke through my fist and my anger always got the better of me, so I've never had many friends. I try to imitate what I see around me, but that clearly doesn't end up working too well. I'm sorry."

Izaya had stared at him, no words escaping his mouth for a moment. "Black coffee, you remember how to make it, don't you?"

Shizuo said nothing as he finally went behind the counter. He began making the coffee, slowly though. He deliberately delayed the process, in hopes of getting another word out of Izaya— anything, at this point. The other, however, seemed to have no interest in saying anything, instead decided looking around the café, observing his humans. Finally, Izaya decided to listen to his inner wishes.

"It must've been a long day, not a lot of people around," Izaya finally said, his eyes stills lingering around the café. When Izaya left, so did the people in the café. It was like wherever Izaya went, the café's customers followed like a string of puppets. "It must've been awful."

Shizuo said nothing and handed him the coffee. Izaya accepted it, taking a sip of the hot drink. Shizuo's breath hitched as he waited. Izaya made no attempt to leave just yet, and Shizuo really hoped he wouldn't. _Please, don't leave._

Izaya's eyes finally landed on him. He grinned widely, waving his fingers. "See you, Shizu-chan!"

He left. Shizuo tried not getting too upset. Izaya had come here. There were a million of other cafés he could've gone to instead, but he chose to come here. The only thing different thing about this café from the rest was Shizuo Heiwajima. Izaya chose to come to the café with the brute. That had to mean something.

Shizuo smiled as his eyes still gazed on the door. Izaya just needed a moment to process his apology, and then everything would be better. Shizuo was sure.

"What the hell was that look you gave me?"

Shizuo's eyes fell to the left, his smile disappearing. Right now, he had to deal with his enraged coworker. As soon as he was done, he would get Izaya by his side again.

——

Shizuo was less angry for the rest of the day. His coworker had noticed and put him back behind the counter. Shizuo was happy about that, it wasn't fun wiping down tables all day, especially when no customers were coming in. He was just cleaning what was already clean.

He left the café at around four when his shift was over. With a smile on his face, he walked down the streets. The streets were anything but busy; no car was rushing to get places and there weren't any bustling people on the sidewalks. Usually there were crowds and he wouldn't be able to get anywhere. Not today though. It was like the calm before the storm, and Shizuo wished it would pass over quickly. Waiting was never fun.

His eyes wandered around the streets as he looked for something— anything. His thoughts were full of Izaya, and that wasn't anything bad, but he just needed some time to think of how to move forward. He was at a bad spot with Izaya right now, and he needed to get over it as quickly as possible. Every day, he got less and less patient, and that would mean he would do something impulsive.

Minutes in his thoughts passed before he found himself staring up at Izaya's university.

"Bloody hell."

This was anything but giving Izaya space. He shook his head and turned around, ready to leave as soon as possible. However, luck wasn't on his side.

"Shizuo!"

Or maybe it was. It could've been worse, it could've been Izaya.

Slowly turning back around, Shizuo was met with Shinra's beaming smile. Shizuo tried not snarling at him, but he was sure he didn't do that of a job. Shinra's grin didn't falter in the slightest. Shizuo guessed it made sense; he probably had to deal with Izaya and his mood swings all the time.

"Fancy seeing you here, eh?" Shinra finally caught up to him, standing only a few feet away. "You're probably here to see Izaya, right? Well, I can tell you he's in no mood to see anyone!"

Shizuo nodded his head as if to say he understood. He took a step back hesitantly, just wanting to leave already. Seeing Shinra twice in one day made him feel uneasy.

"Silly!" Shinra laughed as he pointed up at Izaya's window. "He's that way. You should probably go say hi before he ignores the outside world completely."

"I shouldn't— I already saw him today," Shizuo tried explaining. "He really doesn't want to see me."

Shinra was silent for a moment, his smile no longer lingering on his face and his eyes serious. "He wants you to fix it. I can see it on his face, Shizuo. I've seen it every day for the past few weeks."

Shizuo frowned, his eyes flickering towards Izaya's window. "He doesn't want to—"

"If he didn't want to see you, he would've gone elsewhere, somewhere where no one could find him. He's been waiting," Shinra softly said. Shinra's smile was back on his face as he pushed up his glasses. "You know what he loves more than coffee?"

"Huh?" Shizuo stared at Shinra. There wasn't anything Izaya loved more than coffee, that was a fact. Was his next line going to be some joke? 'Izaya loves forgiveness more than anything'; complete bull.

"Tea," Shinra answered instead. His smile widened when he saw Shizuo's confusion. "Black tea, to be specific. It relaxes him—the smell, I guess. Bitter things are his favourite, so to relax and enjoy your favourite taste— it's no wonder he enjoys it so much."

"You're lying," Shizuo accused. He knew it was pointless. This man had known Izaya much longer than him, he was aware of that, but Shizuo had been observing Izaya's habits for the past few months. He rarely ever saw him drink black tea— maybe once, but never again after that.

"It's strange, isn't it?" Shinra laughed. "It's just not something he wants a lot of people knowing, you know? Information about him— these small things are like a key to his apartment. If you know, he trusts you enough to let you in. I've known him for half a decade and I only found out last year! It's something he would only admit to if the person noticed on their own."

"Why're you telling me all this?" Shizuo asked. Shinra readjusted the bag slung over his shoulder.

"You may have noticed in the future, you may not have. He's never drunk black tea in front of you I'm guessing—" not knowingly, anyway, "So it might not be great to just bring it to him. If he ever finds out that I was the one to tell you, he wouldn't talk to either one of us— to _anyone_ for the next century."

"Again," Shizuo growled as he began to grow annoyed. This whole conversation was pointless if he couldn't use it. " _Why_ are you telling me this?"

"Maybe I made a mistake in telling you," Shinra joked, but another growl from Shizuo got him to stop laughing. "Go back to your café and get some black tea. Then go up to his dorm and take it to him."

"But you just said—"

"Make connections, Shizuo." Shinra took out his phone to check the time. He jumped a bit, as if he didn't realize how late it had gotten. "Make it seem like an observation. Explain to him how you would've found out if I hadn't told you. Sometimes it's better to work backwards."

Shizuo couldn't get any words out. Instead, he watched Shinra skip away from Izaya's dorm. Shizuo only stared up at his window, wondering what those covered curtains were hiding. Shizuo looked back at the entrance of the building before he realized he couldn't get in if he didn't have a student card. He turned himself into the direction in which Shinra had left in.

"Shinra!"

——

So Shizuo didn't end up finding Shinra. The man was like a ghost, Shizuo thought. He managed to get a cup of black tea from the café, but he had no way of getting in. At the moment, he stood in front of Izaya's window, a pebble in hand. Was this a bad idea? Shizuo assumed so. It would not end well, he knew that. This was exactly the impulsivity he wanted to avoid earlier today.

Shizuo noticed the tea getting cold and he cursed silently. He waited so long, the sun had already set. It was just him and some students walking around campus. No one questioned him and he was glad.

"Screw it," Shizuo muttered to himself as he threw the pebble at Izaya's window. Well, attempted. He never realized how bad his aim was before.

A lady opened her window and screamed at him as he apologized. She threw a mug at him. Students were really something else.

Shizuo sighed as he picked up another one from the ground. This time, he took a few steps closer and threw it at Izaya's window. It hit it, thankfully, but it was silent. No curtains were moved out of the way. Shizuo looked at the ground, searching for a bigger rock. Grinning when he found one, he lifted it over his shoulder, ready to throw it.

"If you throw that, you're going to have to pay to repair my window, you know."

Shizuo jumped, the rock flying out of his hand and onto the ground, the tea nearly spilling out of his hands. Izaya had a bad habit of just sneaking up on people, and Shiuzo had been the victim all day. Shizuo usually wouldn't mind, he would appreciate it even, but he just wasn't in the mood to feel special at the moment.

Shizuo looked to Izaya and gave a nervous smile. "How long have you been standing in the dark?"

Izaya took a step forward, his hands in his coat as he shrugged with a smirk. "Long enough to see Namie almost beheading you."

"It was hardly a scratch," Shizuo grumbled with a glare towards Izaya before his eyes found their way onto the broken pieces on the floor.

The amusement was in Izaya's voice, but his eyes had anything but that. Shizuo couldn't tell what the looks on Izaya's face meant anymore. _Why did you take so long?_ he first guessed, but last time he tried understanding the meaning in Izaya's eyes, he hadn't ever been so wrong before.

"What are you doing here, Shizu-chan?"

It was so easy to believe that he wanted Shizuo with him right. Shizuo couldn't stop himself from slowly believing the thought. _Izaya missed me as much as I missed him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont mind me, im just procrastinating from my work..haha...


	12. I Couldn't Hurt You If I Tried

_I made a mistake,_ he wanted to say. There was so much he wanted to say— had to say. He could've said them too, nothing was stopping him. There was just one problem: Izaya wasn't ready to hear an apology.

Shizuo had thought about it. Izaya liked avoiding the problem. It usually took him a while to process something. Shizuo understood that quite well; it took Izaya a month before he showed his face to Shizuo again. He just needed some more time before they were both okay again. For now, all he could do was hold out his arm with the tea. Izaya looked at it, confusion all over his face.

"Tea," Shizuo explained. Shinra was right; he had to find a way to make it seem like he observed his preference for tea, and not the kind of observing Shizuo usually did in regards to Izaya. "Thought you might've gotten tired of coffee."

"So why would I like tea?" Izaya questioned, crossing his arms as if doing so would create another barrier between him and Shizuo. It was kind of funny to Shizuo. _Don't worry, you'll realize soon enough that you can come to arms anytime._

"Well, you seemed stressed," Shizuo started off, making sure to keep his eyes on Izaya's. "Especially with everything that's been goin' on, and I haven't exactly been making things better."

"But...tea?"

"When I first saw you, you seemed more like a tea guy," Shizuo sort of lied. When he first saw Izaya, he didn't really get any impressions of him. He just knew he was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. "I wasn't too sure which tea you'd like, or if you even liked tea, so I just chose the one that smelt the most like you."

That was a lie, too. Nothing smelt like Izaya and nothing ever would. Izaya had his own smell, and Shizuo couldn't describe it because the only thing that ever came to mind when he thought about it was _Izaya._

Shizuo decided to stop talking. Izaya stayed silent as he stared at Shizuo, as if he were trying to figure him out. It seemed like he was looking for any ulterior motives or deception, and Shizuo nearly faltered under his gaze. It would've been so easy to forget about the tea and just take Izaya in his arms. Once Shizuo had him, he would never let him go.

"Protozoan," Izaya finally mumbled as he took a few steps forward. He was two and a half feet away from Shizuo when he took the tea. "It's weird to be able to smell someone."

 _I can smell you from miles away_ , he wanted to say, and he was so glad he didn't. Everything he worked for would've been gone in less than a second.

"But I guess I expected nothing less from a beast," Izaya snickered.

"Watch it, flea," Shizuo warned, glaring at Izaya with no real malicious intent. Izaya only slightly laughed as he took a few steps backward. "You're leaving?"

"I just came down to stop the monster from destroying all the residents' windows." Izaya took a sip of the tea before his eyes widened slightly. He overcame his shock in a split second, turning his head away from Shizuo to hide the small smile. Before either of them could say anything else, Shizuo's phone rang. "You should probably answer that."

Shizuo made a mental note to put his phone on silent if he didn't destroy it within the next thirty seconds. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he took out his phone. All of his anger disappeared in an instant. His phone wasn't ringing.

He looked up to see Izaya gone. How Izaya did something like this was beyond him. He was far too distracted by Izaya. It could've been silent, but if Izaya told him his phone was ringing, he would still search his pockets for his phone.

Shizuo laughed as he stared up at Izaya's window. _You amaze me every time._

—

Shizuo stood a bit farther than he usually did, but it didn't matter; he could still see everything perfectly. He leaned back on a tree that was farther from Izaya's window than his usual go-to tree. He was in plain sight, and if Izaya were to glance out the window, he would be able to see a figure, even if he didn't see the face. Shizuo wasn't particularly concerned about that; he was sure that, with how busy Izaya was, he had nothing to worry about.

After his meeting with Izaya earlier that day, he deemed it okay to check on Izaya again. If he were to get caught — which he would make sure never happened again — he would be prepared. He had a list of excuses.

_I was just gonna ask if you wanted to go on a walk._

_Just wanted to check up on you. I realized I didn't know how to do that so I was contemplating between throwing a rock at your window or just screaming to get your attention._

_I was just gonna pull a prank on you._

Some were more plausible than others, but it didn't matter. He wouldn't ever have to use any of them. He wouldn't get caught— he was sure. He knew it was bad to get cocky, so he knew just how arrogant to get before he got to the point of bad-decisions. He considered it as confidence over anything else though.

Izaya was sipping tea. He hadn't touched the one Shizuo gave him at all, and Shizuo couldn't help but to feel disappointed at that. Izaya seemed so normal around him, Shizuo had begun to feel convinced that they were back to how they used to be. Watching Izaya brought him back to reality; things weren't okay, and they probably weren't going to be for the next while. Keeping an eye on Izaya was benefitting the both of them, he thought.

The tea in Izaya's cup was green tea. He sat on his bed, staring at the wall absentmindedly as he took a sip every minute or so. Shizuo was trapped in a gaze as he watched Izaya, who was so lost in thought. It was mesmerizing to see Izaya so open and vulnerable, and Shizuo couldn't wait for the day Izaya chose to show this side of him.

Shizuo had a feeling he knew what Izaya was thinking so deeply about; _Shizu-chan._ Their earlier encounter had to have an effect on Izaya, of course it did, and this was proof. Izaya couldn't get Shizuo out of his thoughts in the same way Shizuo couldn't get Izaya out of his. They both took over each other's mind and it was perfect for Shizuo. It was overwhelming to see Izaya care, in a sense.

Suddenly, Izaya snapped out of his daze. He peered into his cup and noticed it was empty. With a sigh, he placed the empty cup onto his bedside table, right beside Shizuo's now-cold black tea. His eyes locked on the cup for a second before swiftly looking away. Shizuo took that as a sign in his favour; Izaya didn't want to think about him, but his curious mind had no choice but to as he continued to analyze their meeting today.

Shizuo watched Izaya flutter his eyes close. Shizuo kept his eyes on Izaya's chest, and once he was sure the other's breathing had slowed down and was asleep, Shizuo left with a smile.

—

It was a busy day. Customers were bustling in like they never had before. The cafe's reviews were okay overall—not terrible, not spectacular— so they had always been more of a _whatever_ café. At the moment, however, if someone were to walk by, they would think that this café was the best around.

No matter how busy it got, Shizuo made sure Izaya was still in his mind. Even if he tried getting the other out of his mind, he would never be able to. Izaya just had that kind of impact on people— on him.

He thought about last night's events; the look on Izaya's face when he smelt the tea and realized it was his favourite, the look of Izaya so lost and confused as he paid no attention to anything but what was in his mind, the peaceful look Shizuo never saw unless Izaya was asleep— they all made Shizuo's heart burst. God, he loved Izaya so much his heart hurt. He loved him so much that it was overwhelming. He loved him so much he didn't know what to do.

"Hey!"

Shizuo shook his head in an attempt to shake off the path he was going down. If he continued to think like that, he would just end imagining the end of all this when Izaya and he were finally in love _together._ It wasn't a bad thought, but it always took up all of his attention, something he couldn't afford at the moment with the busy café.

"Sorry, ma'am. What can I get you?"

And his day continued. Thirty minutes later, he was finally given a break. It should've been an hour ago, but with how busy it had been, it was impossible for him to. With a sigh, he headed to the back and took off his apron. Maybe he could go see how Izaya was doing. He shook off the thought; he only had fifteen minutes, so he wouldn't be able to go there and come back on time, and with how many people were still lining up, he couldn't afford to be late.

"It's crazy today, isn't it?"

Shizuo's eyes shot towards the figure he just realized was in the room. He stared at him in disbelief.

"Why are you here?" he managed to force out, unable to keep the surprise from his voice. "How are you even here? This is _employees only_."

Shinra shrugged as he skipped around the room. "I know! It wasn't hard though, given how many people are distracting all the workers. It was actually really easy to slip through you guys! Try paying a bit more attention or else you're going to get robbed, you know!"

"Shinra, get the hell out!" Shizuo grumbled as he sat down on the sofa.

"No can do! You should be thanking me for all this! It wasn't easy to convince Izaya, but he—"

"Wait, what?" Shizuo interrupted, staring at Shinra with a bewildered expression. "Thank you?"

Shinra slowly nodded, as if it would take time for Shizuo to comprehend such a simple gesture. "Yeah, I managed to convince Izaya to post something about how great this place is! You'd be surprised with how influential he is!"

Shizuo was so confused. He didn't even know where to start asking questions, or what to even ask. The whole situation was just one big mess, one he wasn't sure how to clean up.

"Don't get me wrong," Shinra piped up, drawing back Shizuo's attention. "I didn't give you this publicity to be nice. It was more to separate you from Izaya, you know?"

Shizuo's eyes narrowed as he snarled. He took a threatening step forward. "You—"

"He needed some time alone, and I just wanted to see how different his behaviour would be without you around," Shinra explained, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. "I didn't do this to spite you! If I really had something against you, I wouldn't be helping you. This is just to benefit you both!"

Shizuo didn't know what to say. He just stood there with his mouth agape and arms loosely hanging by his side. It was clear that Shinra wasn't exactly a threat, he was only trying to help, but what if, in the future, he somehow affected Izaya's feelings towards him? That would be a problem, even if it were to simply help Izaya.

Shinra glanced at his wrist and jumped, but when Shizuo squinted just enough, he didn't see a watch. "Well, I better be off. Enjoy your Izaya-less day!"

Shizuo decided he would keep Shinra around for now, but he really didn't like him.

——

It was six when his shift finally ended. He didn't mind that it ended two hours late, he needed some time to think anyway. He thought about Izaya and what Shinra said earlier. He mentioned something about convincing Izaya, and while he and Izaya were on, what seemed to be, good terms, they were in the worst spot possible. Shizuo had to constantly remind himself that he hadn't been forgiven yet and Izaya hadn't forgotten. It was so hard to remember this though when Izaya just seemed so normal. He refused. Shizuo refused to be like everyone else in Izaya's life; he refused to pretend everything was okay and just go along with whatever Izaya said. He would be different. He would show Izaya how different he was.

He lit a cigarette and held it to his mouth. It was very tempting to see Izaya today, maybe he was already sleeping right now, taking a break...It would be nice to see him so relaxed— _No!_ He couldn't see Izaya until he got this whole thing with Shinra figured out. He doubted Izaya would do something nice like this for him, no matter how much Shinra bugged him. Izaya was still in the pissed stage, and until he got over it, he wouldn't do anything remotely nice; the most he ever did was act normal.

Shizuo looked around as he got back into his thoughts. Izaya was mad, that he knew. The busyness in the coffee was because of Shinra convincing Izaya to do something, that was another fact. What he just didn't understand was _why._ Why do all this when you're upset at someone? He couldn't even ask himself _what if he isn't mad?_ because he was there on the receiving end. He saw Izaya's face, felt his anger— he was mad and disappointed, that was something he couldn't deny.

He sighed, a puff of smoke filling the air in front of him as he did so. The sun was slowly setting, giving every building an orange-like colour. Izaya always looked nice in the sunset. Shizuo smiled as he continued walking.

Shinra said he convinced Izaya to separate him from Shizuo. What if Izaya did it for the same reason?

He heard screams around him and blinked, taking in his surroundings as he was forced out of his thoughts. He noticed his arm was facing the wall, a fist punching into the bricks. His fist.

He quickly retracted his hand, letting it drop to his side as he stared at the damaged wall. He was so invested in his thoughts, he didn't even realize he punched the wall. He looked by his feet and noticed the cigarette had fallen onto the ground. He stepped on it, watching the fire fade. 

Quickly, he began walking again before any authorities could come over and question him. He had enough of that. Right now, he just needed to reign in his feelings. No matter how many times he told himself to not let his emotions get the better of him, it never worked. He just had to hope he didn't let them go too far. _It wouldn't be good for me or Izaya._

He stepped into his apartment and turned the lights on. It was small, but he would buy a new one as soon as he and Izaya got together. It would be tall-- he would find a place high enough to be perfect for Izaya. Izaya deserved nothing but perfection.   
  
He flopped onto the couch, letting his previous thoughts catch up to him. What if Izaya didn't want him around? If he truly wanted space, he would've stayed hidden for much longer than a month. Maybe he just needed to see Shizuo a little bit every now and then to get used to having Shizuo around again.

An image flashed into his mind. He remembered when Izaya caught him outside his dorm. Izaya surely wouldn't have forgotten that. What if that was the reason? What if Izaya was afraid of Shizuo finding him again when he least wanted to see Shizuo? So, to keep that from happening, he busied Shizuo's schedule.

Shizuo threw an arm over his eyes. When would Izaya realize that there wasn't anything to be afraid of? _I love him, he'll see that soon enough._

—--

_"You're nothing but a monster," Izaya hissed as he glared up at Shizuo. He was kneeling because broken legs could only get you so far. His arms hung loosely by his side, as if he had no control of them. In a sense, he didn't; the bones in them were shattered._

_"Izaya," Shizuo tried calling out. He stared down at the love of his life, wanting to gather the raven in his arms and never let go. He couldn't, though. His legs were frozen, as were his arms. He couldn't move an inch of his body except for his tongue._

_"I hate you!" Izaya screamed, a tear falling down. Izaya couldn't wipe it, but Shizuo supposed it didn't really matter; it seemed like he didn't even notice it. "I never loved you!"_

_"Izaya, you don't mean that—"_

_"Shut up!" he cried out, his eyes slowly softening with the tears gathering in his eyes. "Just do it!"_

_Shizuo stared at red eyes, confused. He just wanted to help Izaya, but he couldn't with him being so difficult, and Shizuo's inability to move was not helping. "What do you want me to do, Izaya? You know I'll do anything—-"_

_"Do it, you monster!"_

_Shizuo felt his arm rise up._

Shizuo gasped as he fell off his couch. He was breathing hard as he tried to slow down his heart rate. He put a fist over the piece of fabric covering his heart. He clenched it as he tried calming down.

"Izaya," he weakly called out. _It was just a terrible nightmare_ , he tried convincing himself. He closed his eyes and lifted his body off the ground and back onto the couch. _I wouldn't ever hurt you, Izaya._

He didn't know where the nightmare came from; he never had one like this concerning Izaya, only his brother. Maybe it was because he was getting closer to Izaya. He frowned. That shouldn't mean anything. That dream meant nothing, he decided. It was just a bad dream. He would never hurt Izaya. Before he fell asleep, Shizuo was trying to figure out why Izaya was scared of him, that was it. Because a fearful Izaya was in his mind, it's what he dreamt about. 

He wasn't going to ever give Izaya reasons to be scared. He wouldn't ever do that. That was absurd.

He felt himself slowly drifting off into sleep. _I couldn't hurt you if I tried, so why am I still so afraid?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i know this chapter is boring :/ the next might be too. sorry. 
> 
> anywhoo, i have a feeling this is going to be around thirty-ish chapters, but im not too sure. its a tentative number.
> 
> anyway hope youre having a decent day


	13. No One's Ever Getting in Our Way

Shizuo woke up again not a minute later. He couldn't sleep, not after he hurt Izaya in his dreams. It just felt so real, and he couldn't stop staring at his hands for moments after he woke up. Once he realized he couldn't go back to sleep, he stood up with a sigh, cracking the tightened knots in his back. Sleeping on the couch wasn't the smartest thing he had ever done.

The clock read one in the morning and he groaned. Instead of drinking a cup of warm milk and just shutting his eyes until morning rolled in, he walked to his front door after grabbing his coat. Maybe a walk would do him good, make him forget some things. A walk to Izaya's sounded soothing and comforting. Shizuo smiled as he walked out into the windy night. Izaya would surely calm him down.

So, he walked, ignoring the wind trying to blow him back, as if it were trying to keep him away from Izaya. Shizuo decided to let the wind try holding him back as he walked through with no restraint. _No one is ever going to get in our way, Izaya._

He stood in front of Izaya's window and smiled up at him as he watched Izaya's chest slowly rise and fall with each breath. Seeing him so in peace calmed Shizuo down. It was truly fulfilling and comforting. Shizuo couldn't help but stare at the man he loved.

_"You're nothing but a monster."_

Shizuo took a step back and stared up at Izaya's window in fear as he recalled his nightmare. Izaya's voice was soothing yet so vicious. What he said was true, he was a monster, he knew that, but whenever he was with Izaya, he wasn't anything near that. He couldn't have been. He had to be perfect for someone like Izaya, and that meant not being the monster he had been all his life. 

_"I hate you! I never loved you!"_

"No, no, you can't mean that," Shizuo whispered as he closed his eyes for a moment. He quickly climbed the tree he was leaning against to get a better look at Izaya. Izaya couldn't hate him, he couldn't claim to have never loved Shizuo because they weren't at that stage yet. He hadn't gotten Izaya to fall in love with him yet, he knew that. _You'll love me eventually, I know you will. You have to._

_"Do it, monster."_

Shizuo stared at Izaya. The three damned words repeating in his mind like a broken record. His grip on the tree tightened. He wasn't a monster! He'd never hurt Izaya. He loved Izaya, why would he ever do anything to harm him? Everything he's done is to protect Izaya.

Shizuo felt himself slowly calming down as he continued watching Izaya, matching his breathing to the sleeping raven's. It was all okay, he didn't hurt him, and he was never going to. Once he finally got Izaya, no one would ever hurt him. Shizuo was sure.

Leaning against the tree on his perched spot, he finally felt relaxed enough to feel sleep trying to overtake him. His eyes closed on their own as felt his consciousness slowly fade. The last thing he saw before falling asleep was Izaya, and he was content with that. He couldn't wait for the day he got to fall asleep like this every day.   
  
—

Birds chirped as he felt the sun bleed through his eyelids. He felt a nipping at his ankle and propped himself onto his elbows, blinking groggily as he stared at the tiny thing near his foot. It took him a moment, but he soon realized it was a squirrel biting him.

"Hey!" he screamed. Probably in fear, the squirrel ran away. Shizuo sighed as he got rid of the support of his elbows, falling back onto the ground. He stared up at the sky before everything came rushing back to him; his nightmare, the walk to Izaya's, falling asleep on the tree—

He shot up as his widened eyes glanced up at Izaya's window. _Oh._ He cursed himself as he stood up, cringing at the pain in his back. He looked at the branch he was on last night and realized he fell unknowingly. Gritting his teeth, he ran out of the university's residential area and onto the streets. God, why was he such an _idiot?_ How could he just fall asleep in front of Izaya's window like that? Luckily, the sun seemed to have just risen and Izaya seemed to have still been asleep. No one was around to see him either. He got lucky this time, but he had to be more careful. He couldn't always just rely on his chances to not get caught.

Sighing, he stopped moments later, leaning against a building's wall as he tried to catch his breath. The university was probably far enough for Shizuo to ease his mind and take a break. Pushing himself off the wall, he took out his phone and noticed it was nearly half-past five. Guess this was what a sunrise in April looked like.

He began his walk home at a more comfortable and slow pace. He had another hour and half before he began his shift at the café. That had to be more than enough time to shower, make some breakfast, and to walk to work.

It was five until seven when he reached his workplace. He slipped in with a greeting to his coworker, heading to the back to punch himself in and get ready. He slipped on his apron, tying the knot at the back absentmindedly as he thought about Izaya again. He didn't think he could hurt Izaya— he _knew_ he couldn't, but he couldn't get the feeling out of his guts, a feeling that made his stomach sink.

After he finished tying the knot, he looked down at his hand. It was stained red, a liquid dripping onto the floor beneath. His breath hitched but he didn't scream, only stared.

"Shizuo!" His head snapped to the entrance to see his coworker, but not the one that made him angry. This one was actually a friend of his. "There's already a line up outside. Might want to get ready."

"Right, okay, Tom." After hearing his confirmation, Tom nodded and left. Shizuo's eyes fell back to his hand. It was clean, as if he had just washed his hands. There was no blood. His eyes were just playing tricks on him. He clenched his fist and took a deep breath before heading to his work station, noticing that Tom just opened the door. Immediately, there was at least a group of five lined up.

Shizuo gave fake smiles and coffees he didn't even bother with. He only ever tried for Izaya because he was the only one who would ever get to see the nice side of Shizuo and his skills. Shizuo felt as if he were cheating on Izaya if he made good coffee for anyone else. So, to remain loyal to Izaya, he made the coffee as good as he would if his eyes were closed and one hand were tied behind him.

Three and a half hours of grumpy customers waiting for their morning coffee to properly function later, Shizuo was finally granted a break. It was only a half hour break, but it was enough for Shizuo. As he was working, Shizuo recalled a conversation he had with Shinra yesterday.

_"Yeah, I managed to convince Izaya to post something about how great this place is! You'd be surprised with how influential he is!"_

Izaya posted something about the café. That meant he had social media, right? Shizuo took out his phone after he sat down on a couch, immediately downloading Instagram. That's what people used, he assumed. Facebook wasn't really a thing anymore, from what he had observed.

The app finished downloading and he clicked it, making a fake account. There was just one problem, he realized. He didn't know Izaya's username. He took a few guesses, ranging from _OriharaIzaya_ to _IOrihara._ Nothing seemed to be it. He sat there for fifteen minutes, his toe tapping the floor rapidly as he held his face in his hands. He only had fifteen minutes left before he had to get back to work, and he was wasting time.

Izaya was a private person, so he might not use his first name. That left Shizuo to work with 'Orihara', but that couldn't have just been it. There had to be more. He tried entering some numbers with it, numbers associated with Izaya's birthday or birth year, but nothing worked.

"Damn it, Izaya, why are you so difficult?" he grumbled as he stared at his phone. He thought about it for a moment before something clicked in his head. The café! Izaya had promoted their café, so if he searched up the café's address in the _location_ tab of the search bar, maybe he could find Izaya's profile that way. He found their location and clicked the picture to view the stories of people who visited the place. Maybe somebody thanked Izaya for the recommendation or something.

He scrolled through a few and beamed when he found one that looked like they mentioned Izaya's user. He clicked on it and was brought to Izaya's profile.

" _Orihara_Izz,_ huh," Shizuo whispered as he read the username. He never would've gotten that, should've known Izaya would make it a thousand times harder than it needed to be. He looked at the profile page to look at the pictures but frowned. Of course, it was private.

He didn't know if he was upset or happy, maybe both. He was glad Izaya was protecting himself and limiting the number of people viewing his pictures — _the fact that anyone is seeing your pictures other than me is upsetting in the least —_ but he was frustrated because he hit another dead end.

He gritted his teeth went back to the search bar. Maybe he could find Shinra's account and find some of Izaya's pictures that way. He could only hope it wouldn't take as long this time.

Shinra's account was found in a minute. His user was simply his first name with the initial letter of his family name, and luckily for Shizuo, his account was public. He found some photos of Izaya, and became angry all over again. Izaya clearly didn't want people seeing his photos but here Shinra was, displaying them for the world to see.

There was a photo of Shinra's arm looped around Izaya's shoulders, a smile on both of their faces. Shziuo's face softened at the sight of Izaya; he looked genuinely happy. Shizuo wanted to give him that smile, he wanted to give him the world.

Shizuo read the caption and realized it was a birthday picture, dated back to April 2. Shizuo scrolled through some other pictures, finding that Izaya looked happy in every single one of them. That made Shizuo gleam, but the time ruined his mood. There were only five minutes left before he had to go back to serving people who thought it was best to take their frustrations out on a worker who earned minimum wage.

Shizuo took some pictures off the internet and posted them to create a feed. He chose pictures that might interest Izaya, such as theories of the world, some literature, some pictures of cats. Izaya looked like a cat person.

After deeming his profile realistic enough, he went back to Izaya's profile and clicked _follow._ He was left on _requested_ and only then did he realize he was holding his breath. Standing up, he slipped his phone back into his pocket as he got ready for another few hours of work. How exciting.

—

Finally, at five, he was released from the torture. It wasn't exciting, it was like any other day. Shinra nor Izaya had visited him, making the day even more uneventful. A glance at his phone, void of any indication of Izaya's acceptance (from the app; he wasn't idiotic enough to turn on his notifications and risk Izaya finding out that he was behind the account), told him Izaya would either not accept his account at all, or he just didn't have time to look through his follow requests.

Since Izaya didn't show up at the café, Shizuo made his way to his university. He wasn't sure if he wanted to knock on Izaya's door and talk or if he just wanted to watch Izaya for a bit. He would decide when he got there.

It seemed like he wasn't given much of a choice. He hid behind a tree as he observed from afar. Izaya was speaking to someone, Sozoro, if he remembered correctly. That guy was one of Shiki's men. Shziuo's grip on the tree tightened. What was he doing with Izaya?

He tried listening in and got bits and pieces of their conversation. He moved in closer carefully, hiding behind another tree, one that was more close to the duo.

"I told you, I'm fine," he heard Izaya say as tried sidestepping the bodyguard. He glared when Sozoro stepped in front of him, preventing him from leaving.

"He wouldn't want you to be isolating yourself like this."

"Listen," Izaya began, looking away from the man's eyes. His voice grew quiet. "I just want to be alone for a while longer."

Shizuo watched Sozoro's face, wondering if the other would reject his request. Maybe if he beat him up, Izaya wouldn't think of him as his hero. Izaya would like that.

Sozoro then sighed as he nodded his head. "As you wish. We know this is difficult for you."

Izaya didn't move for a second. He just searched the man's face for any lies before walking past him. He looked a bit distressed, and Shizuo wanted to comfort him— to hold him. Izaya should never have to feel like that, and Shizuo would do anything and everything in his power to keep Izaya from experiencing such emotions.

Shizuo stood up to follow after Izaya. He managed to walk a couple steps before he felt someone tugging at his collar from behind. Grumbling, he turned his head around and watched the man behind him walk to his front to converse with him properly. He looked like the Sozoro guy. Shizuo snarled; great, another yakuza dude.

"Get out of my way," he growled, shoving the man to the side, but he only walked back to the front of Shizuo's line of sight, grabbing Shizuo's forearm tightly. "The hell do you want?"

"What are you doing?" the man countered as he narrowed his eyes. Shizuo rolled his and yanked his arm back, noticing the force the man put in to keep his hold. "Who are you?"

Shizuo tried thinking of a way out. He couldn't just run because then, they would notify Izaya or they would follow Izaya around again— or both. Luckily for him, Sozoro made his way here and for once, Shizuo was glad he knew the man.

"I was just going to check up on Izaya," Shizuo answered, Sozoro nodding in understanding. "But it's clear he wants to be left alone, so I guess I'll see him later."

Sozoro left, followed by the man, who still eyed him suspiciously. Once they both drove off in their fancy, black car, Shizuo walked towards where he saw Izaya go. He walked down the path Izaya would take, from what he'd observed. Minutes of idle walking later, he sighed, accepting his defeat. He lost Izaya.

Taking out his phone, he decided to call Kasuka and catch him up on what had been going on, and maybe get some advice. Kasuka texted back, agreeing to meet up at the park in five.

Shizuo walked there and sat on a bench as he waited. The kids slid down the slide and Shizuo watched. One pushed another, forcing him down, as another jumped on the pusher's shoulders. They both, ultimately, fell down the slide as well. Kids were crazy, Shizuo concluded. He imagined his life with Izaya; would Izaya want kids? For all their excessive enthusiasm, he wanted a couple. They would have to adopt, but that wasn't a problem. Izaya would be a great parent either way, Shizuo thought with a smile.

"You seem awfully happy."

Shizuo looked to where Kasuka sat beside him with his usual deadpan face. His smile grew. "Hey, Kasuka."

Kasuka hummed in acknowledgement. He looked at the kids fighting against each other. "Something on your mind?"

"Yeah, actually," Shizuo responded sheepishly, feeling some heat rush to his cheeks. If his brother noticed, he didn't say anything. "It's about Izaya."

"When is it not?" He could've sworn he heard a sigh come from the younger man, but he brushed it off. "What about him?"

"I made a mistake," he began, staring absentmindedly at the children, too. "He needed a friend, but I pushed for more. He was vulnerable, and I... took advantage of that, you could say. He has this habit of pretending nothing's wrong, even when _everything_ is out of place. I want to fix our situation, but I'm not too sure how."

Kasuka nodded as he listened. "Space."

"What?" Shizuo asked, glancing at Kasuka. "Give him space? I tried that. It took him a month just to see me again. I don't know what to do. It's all just so frustrating!"

"Give him space. He'll talk when he's ready. He'll listen when he's ready. In this situation, you just have to wait for him," Kasuka explained, standing up. "I only had time for a few minutes. Hope I helped."

"Yeah," Shizuo said with a smile, following his brother's actions. "You did. Thanks."

Kasuka left as Shizuo waved goodbye. As soon as he was sure that Kasuka was out of his sight, his smile faltered, slowly lowering his hand. Kasuka helped, but Shizuo didn't think he could wait any longer. He tried telling himself that they had all the time in the world, but he couldn't help feeling impatient.

With one last sigh, he began to head home. It was an eventful day; he found Izaya's Instagram and he met with Kasuka. All he could think about now was the wonderful feeling of being in bed again, the comfort he would feel once he closed his eyes.

He wandered the streets as he took out a cigarette. Tomorrow, he decided, he would see Izaya and confront him. They would talk, maybe not about their issues, but they were going to have a conversation. Izaya would realize he could talk to Shizuo anytime, that he could trust Shizuo.

Before Shizuo could actually light his cigarette, he noticed a familiar head of raven hair. Shizuo glanced at his surroundings and realized he was at a cemetery. What was Izaya doing here?

Slowly and quietly, he walked into the graveyard, hiding behind gravestones and trees as he made his way closer to where Izaya sat on the ground. Once Shizuo felt close enough, he peered from behind the tree and squinted his eyes, realizing that Izaya was sitting in front of Shiki's grave. _Oh._

"Things are hard," he heard Izaya speak, "But I think I'm doing all right. You just made things a lot easier, so without you here, I guess things are less than ideal."

Shizuo found it funny how a yakuza man was buried among everyone else, as if he were a normal, innocent citizen. He nearly scoffed from his spot behind the tree, but he did roll his eyes. Shiki wasn't anything but a nuisance.

"I never realized I had so many people who cared about me though. You were right, I guess, I'm charming," Izaya laughed out, quickly wiping his eyes. Shizuo couldn't really see his facial expression, but Izaya seemed kind of sad. "I miss you every day, you know?"

Shizuo froze as he felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. Izaya missed Shiki? He knew Shiki's brainwashing did a number on him and he wasn't able to think properly, but he didn't realize it was this bad. The blond chewed on the inside of his cheek as he contemplated some things; was Izaya really fooled into loving Shiki? What if they actually had something between them?

He found that absurd. Izaya couldn't love anyone but him, and no one loved Izaya but him. However, maybe Izaya was actually a bit infatuated with Shiki. It would explain the reactions Izaya's had. He frowned at the thought of Izaya giving even a bit of his heart to someone else. Shizuo knew he did the right thing in getting rid of Shiki lest he ruined everything more than he already had.

Izaya hastily got up, nearly stumbling onto the ground. He gave Shiki's grave one last smile. "I'll see you soon!"

He left with a wide grin, but Shizuo knew the cheeriness was only him trying to convince himself he was okay. Shizuo realized his grip on the tree was so tight, his hand left indents of his fingers.

He stomped out of his hiding place minutes after Izaya left. He huffed as he shoved his hands into his pockets, shaking his head at the dirt and the flowers laying on it. He snarled at the grave as if he were actually speaking to the man. Shizuo could imagine the berated look in his eyes. "This is all your fault. I should've made your death much more painful."

Shizuo backed away from the grave and turned around to leave. He was metres away before he looked over his shoulder and back at the grave. Giving one last glare, he headed home, angrier than ever. _Can't believe Izaya ever liked someone like you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so im trying to write as much as i can cause my online school starts monday...and the next chapter is just---shizuo is real creepy :/


	14. I Won't Let Anyone Hurt You

Shizuo kicked rocks off the sidewalk as he headed back home. Just thinking about Shiki was enough for him to want to smash the gravestone to pieces. He didn't, though. Izaya would be upset, and it would be completely pointless to disrespect the dead like that. Shiki couldn't do anything anymore. The thought didn't stop his frustrations, but it calmed him down enough.

The evening air was also a bit calming. He decided to take the long way back home so he could enjoy a walk. He liked going on walks, especially when he felt angry; it helped him clear some thoughts and refresh his mind a bit.

The sun was almost completely set, the darkness enveloping the sky. He could hear nothing but the cars on the road, but even that slowly faded as he began his walk on the more run-down area of the city. Soon, the silence was the only thing making its way to his ears. It was the most peaceful he had been without the aid of Izaya.

His brown eyes landed on the number of buildings lined up. They weren't being used, the occupants instead finding a better home in the new parts of Ikeburuko. Usually, there were some people running around, drunk off their arses. He got lucky today, and he couldn't be happier. The cigarettes in his pocket weren't even noticeable as his mind didn't think didn't drift off to the idea of smoking.

As he walked, a park caught his attention. A certain park he had been to months ago. Shizuo froze as he stared at its entrance, all the memories coming back to him in an instant.

_"You're sick! He's not an idiot— he'll see right through you!"_

Shizuo hit his head with the palm of his hand to get himself out of it. It all exploded in his mind— Shiki's voice, the life draining from his eyes, the sickening crack in his neck. It was haunting, even if he felt no remorse and didn't regret his actions one bit. He hated violence, but he would do anything for Izaya. Hopefully, getting rid of Shiki was the worst of what he would have to do.

Hesitantly, he took a few steps forward, entering the park. The shed, or what was left of it, immediately caught his attention. It was in pieces, completely torn down, and Shizuo couldn't help but wonder what he would've done if the shed weren't there. It would've been much more difficult to hide his body.

"Hey, stranger."

Eyes shooting to the figure on the ground, he found Izaya waving at him. Shizuo's jaw dropped as he stared at him, blinking for a moment as tried to process what was happening. Izaya was laying on the grass, his eyes on him with a sad glint.

Shizuo felt himself tense up a bit. Izaya must've read about where Shiki died in the news. Did he find it suspicious that Shiki died at their meeting area? Then again, maybe not; Shiki could've been so drunk out of his mind, he assumed he'd be meeting Izaya here. Shizuo was sure Izaya thought of all the possibilities and convinced himself of the most plausible explanation. 

Izaya patted the spot beside him, a smile no longer on his face. Shizuo walked up to him and glanced down at the empty spot Izaya was referring to. He did say he would've talked to Izaya tomorrow, and speaking to him today, too, wouldn't be bad. It would only bring his mood back up. Maybe he and Izaya could make new memories of this damned park, erasing the blood and _the cracking and the sudden stillness and blank eyes_ from Shizuo's mind.

He rested his back on the grass, staring up straight at the sky. It was hard to get a good view of the sky in the city with so many buildings blocking the view. Stars were especially difficult to see, but this park seemed to be different from the rest in more ways than one. Here, he could perfectly see the sky painted with little, bright lights illuminating the beauty of the night.

"So, what're you doing out here?" he asked, cursing himself for the hesitancy in his voice. He just didn't want to say the wrong thing and set Izaya off, especially since their relationship was at a fragile place at the moment, but he didn't mean for Izaya to find out about it his uncertainty.

Luckily for him, if Izaya noticed, he didn't mention it. Instead, he raised a hand towards the sky, caressing it as if it were the most delicate thing he had ever encountered. Izaya bit his lip, probably feeling just as hesitant as Shizuo, even if it were for different reasons. His gaze was still up on the sky as he reached up to it.

"Do you ever wonder why the stars are so far?" Izaya wondered out loud instead, completely ignoring Shizuo's question. The blond decided to keep quiet and just listen, knowing he would enjoy hearing Izaya speak. "I do. Maybe it's because this world is so wretched and they want to protect their divinity. They're so beautiful. It's sad to think it would take just one of my interesting humans to corrupt its grace."

Izaya lowered his hand, reaching out with his saddened eyes instead. Shizuo wanted to comfort him, wanted to place an arm around his waist and hold him close. He'd never let go, he'd never let anything hurt Izaya. Izaya's heart was so delicate and it could break in a second. His heart was just like the stars; easily damageable.

"As for why I'm here," Izaya began, turning his head to the side to face Shizuo. Shizuo could only stare at the enticing, crimson eyes looking right back at him. It was overwhelming, but Shizuo didn't let his amazement stop him from admiring it. "I just needed a moment to think."

"To think," Shizuo repeated, his voice trailing off as he furrowed his eyebrows. "Wouldn't you rather just enjoy the silence of the night?"

Izaya laughed, and Shizuo felt his heart clench at the sound. It was so beautiful. _You're amazing, Izaya. I love you so much, I hope you realize that one day. You're magnificent. I won't let anyone ever hurt you._

"Thinking is my escape."

Shizuo thought about it. It was true; without any overthinking, Izaya wouldn't be Izaya. He was always analyzing and observing, and without all of that, there wouldn't be an Izaya Orihara. Even if Izaya thought too much for that little mind of his, it was just who he was.

"What are you escaping from?" Shizuo whispered, even though he knew Izaya would only evade his question. He would just change the topic, maybe go back to talking about the beauty of the stars. For all the thinking that happened in his mind, he wasn't one to share.

"It'd be easier to explain what I'm not trying to get away from." Shizuo was surprised, but he made sure to keep any shock from appearing on his face. Izaya did, in a way, end up answering truthfully. He didn't completely ignore Shizuo, and that made the blond feel as if their relationship really did mean so much more than either of them thought.

He was even more taken back when Izaya continued, his voice a little quiet. "To be honest, you're something I've been trying to run from. "

Shizuo took that as a sign that he occupied the other's mind. He had enough of an impact to stick to Izaya's thoughts, and even though it was negatively impacting Izaya, it still revolved around Shizuo. He was thinking about Shizuo, how was that not progress?

"I don't think I'll ever stop loving him," his voice was barely heard, but the words rang louder than anything ever in Shizuo's head. They both knew who exactly he was talking about. Izaya lifted his arm again, pointing in the general direction of the shed. "That's where they found him, you know?"

_Yeah, I know. I kind of put him there._ Shizuo didn't give any form of response, letting Izaya continue without giving any words of condolences. He didn't want it to come off as pity, something Izaya would greatly dislike. It would only make him run away again. Besides, Izaya was talking to him about Shiki. He wasn't acting as if everything were okay. He was going to take advantage of it and get every bit of Izaya's thoughts and feelings he could possibly get. He wasn't going to ruin this.

He loosened his clenched fists. He didn't even realize he got so angry so quickly, but he guessed it did make sense. Although he had accepted that Izaya may have been infatuated with Shiki, he knew it wasn't love. So hearing Izaya speak like that only infuriated him— but not at Izaya. He would never get upset at Izaya. Shiki was the one behind his rage; he tricked Izaya into thinking he was loved by someone so undeserving.

Fortunately, Izaya had returned his gaze to the star-filled sky, too absorbed in the light emitting from them to notice Shizuo's forming rage. Even if Izaya were to see, it wouldn't be too bad. He could easily think of an excuse, say he was enraged that Shiki would be so reckless as to leave him behind like this.

"I'm kind of a coward," Izaya admitted, giving a small shrug of his right shoulder. He didn't seem bothered by calling himself such a degrading term. Shizuo wasn't too sure why, Izaya was the epitome of perfection. "I like it though. It keeps me out of danger in certain ways, which helps a lot honestly because I don't how not to live so dangerously."

Shizuo kept his silence, giving none of his feelings away through words. Maybe if Izaya were looking his way, he would see the love and affection and protectiveness in Shizuo's eyes, along with the anger and frustration. Izaya always talked a lot, but the only way to tell how he was feeling was through his body language and the look in his eyes. It was always like that, excluding the current moment; it seemed like bottling things up was too much even for someone like Izaya. So, Shizuo stayed quiet. It was fair in his mind, Izaya had to truly understand Shizuo if he wanted to know what was going on in his mind.

"I was...afraid to love, I guess. I did and he ended up leaving me," Izaya admitted. Shizuo knew Izaya wouldn't tell this to just anyone, so he was over the moon that Izaya would share this with him. He knew he was special in the raven's mind. "I'll be honest, your attitude made me infuriated. I'm furious with you for being so...such a terrible person."

Shizuo nearly chuckled at his words, but he managed to hold it in. _He_ was a terrible person? Shizuo guessed that if he were looking at this from Izaya's point of view, he may have been. Izaya probably only said that for a lack of a better word. Shizuo got what he was trying to say, and he only nodded in understanding.

Izaya gave a laugh, one that was too bitter for Shizuo, making him frown. "I'm a bit desperate."

Shizuo ignored his racing heart as his mind gave him the true meaning behind Izaya's words. Izaya wasn't desperate enough to go out looking for some replacement, _so shut up, you stupid, irrational thoughts,_ Izaya just wanted some company, even if said-company was insensible and kind of a jerk.

"You aren't desperate," Shizuo reassured, giving a smile along with it. His fingers searching through the grass for Izaya's. He stopped himself before he made any impulsive decisions that would surely backfire on him. Although their fingers weren't touching, he knew the other's were close; he could feel the warm heat coming from them. Shizuo thought this might've been a good time to apologize for his actions. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"You know," Shizuo quietly whispered, feeling nothing but sincerity as he spoke. "I really shouldn't have done what I did. I'm not the best with people and I can sometimes do things that seem rash. I'm an idiot, I know, but I'm just trying to talk to people."

Izaya refused to look at him, his eyes staring up at the sky. Shizuo paused as he kept his gaze on Izaya. Did he make a mistake again? Was he inconsiderate? Izaya was talking about Shiki just moments ago, did Shizuo ruin it by bringing himself into it?

"What a lost soul Shizu-chan is," Izaya said instead. The blond's mind went blank as he listened to the words coming out of love's mouth. "Protozoan."

Shizuo shut his eyes, hoping to pretend Izaya and him were okay. It seemed like such a perfect moment, nothing could ruin it. The thing was, though, something had already been ruined. Their moment had been imperfect from the beginning, and Shizuo sighed at that. All he wanted was one minute of Izaya and him. No mistakes, no apologies, no flaws.

When he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Izaya looking at him with a smile. "Maybe I'm not desperate. I guess I'll never know."

"You aren't."

"My instincts aren't the best," he confessed as his grin fell a bit, looking more serious. "But I think you're okay."

Shizuo could do nothing other than watch as the crimson disappeared when the raven closed his eyes slowly. Shizuo's hand twitched, wanting to hold Izaya's. His hand was so close, yet it had never been so far. Instead, he focused all of his attention on Izaya's form, watching the other slowly fall asleep. That had to be a good thing; he was comfortable enough to fall asleep with Shizuo watching over him _and_ he admitted to a weakness. He trusted him enough to do all this within minutes. Shizuo couldn't stop smiling, his grin so wide his cheeks were beginning to hurt.

Izaya must not have slept for days with how quickly he fell asleep. He probably stayed up past his already so late, usual sleep time, either to his overthinking or work. Shiki probably occupied his thoughts, too. He must've finally been relaxed enough and deemed it okay to sleep and rest.

Shizuo chuckled as he stood up, gently lifting the other male into his arms. He was beginning to see that he could trust Shizuo, and that was a big step into loving him. As the blond walked to his apartment in a rather slow pace lest he woke Izaya up, he let himself caress the other's face, sweeping the raven bangs falling into his closed eyes.

They would be okay. They would be together soon enough, Shizuo could see it behind the ferocity in the red eyes.

—

Izaya woke with a gasp, shooting right up. He nearly screamed, had it not been for Shizuo quickly running up to him and calming him down. Luckily, Shizuo had been awake from before, deciding to stand in the kitchen as he watched Izaya in his relaxed state. The kitchen was a perfect spot and if Izaya woke up, he wouldn't see Shizuo right away. What Shizuo didn't count on was Izaya waking up in such a fretted state.

"Why am I here?" Izaya finally asked, his voice laced with suspicion as he looked Shizuo up and down. Shizuo could see the qualm in his eyes as he did so.

"You fell asleep," Shizuo simply answered, giving a nonchalant shrug. "Unless you would rather be left alone in an abandoned park for someone else to find you. Then, _they_ could take you—"

"Yeah, okay, got it," Izaya interrupted as he shook his head. He sighed as he leaned against the back of the couch, closing his eyes. Shizuo thought it would be weird for Izaya to wake in a bed, even though it was really tempting to put Izaya there. It looked so right, but he knew it wouldn't have been normal for Izaya. "I'm so lucky it's a Saturday."

"Huh, what do you know." Shizuo let the playfulness find its way into his voice. Izaya peeked an eye open, confusion on his features as he tried understanding Shizuo's words. A small smirk formed on Shizuo's face. "I don't have work today."

Izaya scoffed, shaking his head. Shizuo was going to fully take advantage of them both having a free day. Izaya probably got that, too, hearing the lilt in Shizuo's tone. He might've guessed that Shizuo wouldn't leave him alone for the next few hours. If those were his thoughts, he wasn't wrong.

Looking around the room, Izaya smirked. Shizuo's eyes followed Izaya's line of sight, landing on the empty take-out boxes sprawled across the floor. Shizuo felt some heat rush to his cheeks as his eyes were frozen over the trash. He had all night to clean his apartment, and, like the fool he was, he didn't.

"The beast's den," Izaya muttered. Shizuo could hear the amusement in his voice, and he wasn't angry by it. He knew Izaya was just playing, and even if he weren't, it was okay. Izaya was the only one who could make fun of and say horrible things to him. "Just as messy as I would have imagined."

_So you thought of being here before?_ Shizuo wanted to say, but he refrained from sound so. It was unfortunate that most of his thoughts would lead them both back to square one. He just had to be patient before he could make any jokes and tease him.

"Not that I would imagine being here," Izaya rushed out, his face becoming bashful. Shizuo's brows furrowed as he thought. He was sure he didn't say anything aloud, so why was Izaya so hesitant? Shizuo knew better than to take his blushing as embarrassment. It was like he didn't want Shizuo to get the wrong idea, but why? Shizuo understood that he made a mistake in the past, but he got that now. Izaya didn't need to repeat it.

Shizuo decided to just move past this conversation. "So, any ideas on how you want to spend the day?"

His eyes immediately brightened up, but the slight flush of his cheeks was still there. "I see you like Russia Sushi," he gestured to the trash on the ground, "Lucky for you, I do too. How about we grab some lunch there."

Shizuo nodded, standing up as he glanced at the mess in his apartment. It was truly embarrassing for his love to find his home such a mess; what kind of example was he showing? How could he expect Izaya to trust him when he couldn't even keep an apartment clean?

Pushing the thought aside, he walked towards the bathroom. "All right. I can show you just how well a protozoan cooks."

He heard Izaya laugh as he looked through his cupboard for an extra toothbrush. Grinning at the red one still in its packaging, he walked back into the living room.

"I already know your coffee-making skills are decent. Let's see if you actually know what you're doing," Izaya challenged, a smirk present on his face as he stood up. Izaya took the toothbrush and went in the direction Shizuo came from.

Immediately, Shizuo got to work. He had to show that he really did know what he was doing. The mess meant nothing, and Izaya would realize that once he tasted Shizuo's cooking.

Minutes later, Izaya returned from the washroom, sitting on one of the high chairs by the island. He watched Shizuo finish up the eggs, eyeing them with some doubt.

Shizuo noticed and rolled his eyes. "Couldn't make waffles or anything nice. I have a feeling you're super annoying about the food you eat. You probably count the calories in your food before you consume it."

Shizuo knew he did, it was why he commented on it. It would show Izaya that Shizuo really did understand him, enough to make observations such as this. He now had two exhibits to show how well he knew Izaya; the black coffee and his eating habits.

"So what if I do?" Izaya asked, rolling his eyes as Shizuo shoved a plate in front of him. "It's good to know what you're eating and what it could do to your body. Eating healthy isn't a bad thing."

With his mouth full, Shizuo rebuked, "It stresses me out."

Izaya laughed as he shook his head, taking a bite of the wonderful breakfast presented to him. He smiled down at the eggs, Shizuo caught the look on his face as he did so.

The two teased each other as they ate. Izaya had continuously thrown bits of his food at Shizuo's face, laughing maniacally as Shizuo grimaced.

When the plates were put to the sink and everything was cleaned up, Shizuo left for the bathroom to clean up himself. The first thing he did when he locked the door of his bathroom was head to the trash can. He opened it up, pulling out the red toothbrush Izaya had used moments ago. He held it cautiously, smiling as he stepped onto the closed toilet seat. He pushed the loose tile of the ceiling to the side, reaching up to pull out a box. Unfortunately, he didn't have much in it yet, just some broken pieces of Izaya's phone, but he wished to change that. He added the red toothbrush, his grin widening. He searched the cabinet under his sink for a Sharpie and his post-it notes. He liked to date all his findings, sort of like a photo album. It was nice to see the progress of their relationship.

_April 10, 2020_

He wrapped it around the toothbrush, minding the bristles. He didn't want to ruin the part where Izaya's mouth had been. It wouldn't make the item any less precious, but if he kept all of Izaya touch, it was more related to him.

He closed the lid and placed the box back in its hiding, pulling the tile back to its place. He looked at the ceiling from different angles, and once he deemed it okay enough, he brushed his teeth.

He left the room with a normal face, approaching the unknowing man. He silently chuckled at Izaya trying to slip on his shoes without actually touching them. The latter glared, sticking his tongue out as he finally got his feet in.

Shizuo wore his own shoes and held the door open for Izaya. "Come on, flea."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shizuo keeping izayas toothbrush is just--i cant... 
> 
> but hey, ive finished writing like three more chapters, so there will be updates every three or four or something days for the next couple weeks. the next chapter is actually over 5300 words, so....hopefully it makes things a bit more interesting


	15. You're Perfect

They walked alongside each other. There was a bit of a gap between them, and Shizuo was really tempted to close it, but he refrained from doing so. He was going to limit the number of mistakes he made; he didn't think he could afford another major one.

Izaya wasn't talking much, surprisingly. He was observing the people around him, and from the glint in his eyes, Shizuo could tell he knew exactly what was going to happen next. It seemed like watching humans was the one thing that truly made him happy. Shizuo had competition, but he was sure he would be able to knock the hobby off its rank.

"So," Shizuo began talking, noticing that Izaya might've started getting a bit too invested in his observations. The latter blinked as if he didn't even realize he was losing himself, looking at Shizuo instead. "The city's nice in the morning."

 _The city's_ nice? _What a wonderful conversation starter. This is a man, a man studying for a degree. He is an educated man, and all you have to say is the city's nice? At least try expanding your vocabulary._

Izaya gave a light giggle, snapping Shizuo out of his thoughts. "It's not a surprise Shizu-chan isn't a morning person! I bet you sleep until noon!"

Shizuo grimaced, looking away as he felt his cheeks flush. It would've been true, had he not had to get up for work. "I have a job, remember? I can't sleep in."

Izaya shrugged playfully as he focused his attention back ahead. "I like waking up before the sun rises. Watching my humans rise from their slumbers is truly wonderful."

"You're a creep," Shizuo huffed. He pushed down the little bit of hypocrisy that rose up to his chest.

"Why don't I show," Izaya was saying in a teasing tone before he stopped himself. Shizuo grew angry; there was the hesitancy _again_. Why was Izaya so hesitant around him?

_"You tryna seduce me with your money?"._

_"Did it really seem as if I were trying to seduce you?"_

Oh, Shizuo sighed. It was just one of his mistakes biting him in the arse again. Izaya had been just as flamboyant back then. His flirtatious teasing, it didn't mean anything but that. It was his personality, but Shizuo just had to go and ruin it all. Since then, Izaya would suddenly stop talking mid-sentence, and it was probably because he was afraid of the other person misinterpreting what he was saying. He cursed himself. He was an idiot, and it took him this long to realize.

He didn't mention it though. He continued to silently walk, Izaya just as quiet as he was. Izaya's head was turned, and even though Shizuo couldn't see his face, he knew Izaya wasn't focused on his humans anymore. He was probably recalling their conversation, getting mad at himself for continuously acting all flirty. Shizuo nearly growled; Izaya shouldn't be loathing himself like this, there was nothing to loath. _You are perfect, and I'll make sure you see that one day._

"This is my favourite part of the city," Shizuo commented as they approached some run-down streets, the same ones he walked down just last night. He just wanted to talk to Izaya, but it was proving to be a lot harder than it needed to be. _It shouldn't be this hard._

"It's so old though." If someone were to hear Izaya's voice, they never would've guessed that he had been feeling uncomfortable just moments before. He was composed and collected, seeming as if nothing could faze him. Shizuo knew better. "Guess it makes sense for a chaotic person like Shizu-chan to like the streets that look like they've been through hell."

"Shut up," Shizuo growled as he stepped onto the streets. "It's quiet."

"Really? _That's_ why you like them?" He could feel Izaya shaking his head, even though he couldn't see him since he was a few steps ahead. "That's so _boring_!"

"Well, what the hell did you want me to say, huh?" Shizuo turned towards Izaya, a clenched fist in the air as he threatened Izaya with it. He would never hit him though, it was all just empty scares.

"My favourite place is the rooftop right above the main intersection by my university," Izaya explained, one of his slender eyebrows raising. "Because I get this amazing view of the streets below! I can watch my humans much better from that high up as they pretend their bustling actually means something."

Shizuo could've filled in the blanks of what Izaya had said, could've interrupted him and explained why he liked the rooftop in a much more detailed explanation, but he didn't. Izaya would've felt weirded out and he might've felt as if he were losing control of the situation, even though he didn't have any from the beginning.

Izaya shook his head as he looked around the area, taking in the small details of the cracks on the pavement. "For an interesting person like you, I would've thought you would have better reasonings. ' _This is where I had my first kill'—"_

"That's not funny!" This time, Shizuo really had grabbed onto the other's collar, pulling him slightly up. Izaya's feet were dangling a bit, but Shizuo paid no mind to that. He didn't even realize what he was doing until he had already done it. He refused to look into Izaya's eyes; he knew he wouldn't be scared or anything, but he couldn't—more like didn't want to—deal with the curiosity swirling around the red hues. Red only reminded him _that night._

Instead, his gaze fell down the Izaya's hand at his throat, his knife dangerously close to Shizuo's neck. Shizuo hadn't even realized Izaya pulled out his knife until now, but he guessed that it was probably just an instinctive reaction. Minding the knife, he let go of Izaya's shirt, his grip slowly loosening as he took in a shaky breath. Izaya said nothing, only placing his knife in his pockets, as he watched Shizuo recompose himself, his face unreadable. Shizuo's eyes fell down to his own hand and the blood was back. He took a step back and quickly drifted his gaze back up, desperate to find Izaya. When he found his questioning eyes staring right back at him, he let out an exhale. _I didn't hurt you, that's all that matters. My mind is just playing tricks on me. I told you, I could never hurt you._

His eyes slid to the direction of the park, which wasn't that far from here. Izaya hadn't been wrong, and that was what was so haunting. Did Izaya know or was it just a mere coincidence? Was Izaya playing _him_? No, that couldn't have been right. Izaya wasn't as good as he thought. _You really aren't._

"I don't like violence," he finally said, hoping the silence would disappear as quickly as the turn of events occurred. He really didn't like violence, but Izaya seemed to doubt him as the same brow raised from before. "I don't!"

"I'm sure you don't, Shizu-chan," Izaya said, unable to keep the patronizing lilt out of his voice. Izaya seemed to be unaware of Shizuo's inner turmoil, he probably thought it was just his short-tempered rage getting the best of him.

"I _don't,"_ Shizuo snarled, taking a threatening step forward. Amused, Izaya lowered his head, his eyes glowing with danger as he smirked. His hand dug into his pocket, and Shizuo's breath hitched as he realized where this might've been going. His intent wasn't to fight Izaya, it was just to play off his turmoil as nothing but the persona he had created for Izaya. He didn't mean to truly get mad, but he had to cover it up somehow.

Before Izaya could pull out his switchblade again, a familiar ringtone rang through the air. Shizuo gave a sigh of relief as the repetitive tone filled the silence. Izaya took out his phone, his face neutral as he answered the call. Even though he tried not giving himself away, Shizuo knew he was happy to get the call. Only Shizuo could read him like this. _No one else will ever be able to understand you like I do. No one ever should._

"I can't, can't I just—"

Shizuo carefully listened to the one end of the call, being able to tell what was going on even without the other side of the conversation. He looked away, pretending to be more invested in the trees.

Izaya finally ended the call with an annoyed sigh, one Shziuo knew was staged. Izaya could've pretended to hate the caller as much as he wanted, but Shizuo had seen him care for them like no big brother ever would.

"I have to go," Izaya explained. "My sisters are demanding my presence and if I don't go, they're going to either hunt me down or hurt themselves trying."

Shizuo recalled that Izaya never mentioned his sisters to him. At least he was able to prevent one disaster. "Sisters?"

"Twins. Double the bother," Izaya sighed out once again as he spun on his heels, raising a hand to wave goodbye. "Sorry to cancel on you, but—"

"And who's letting you bail on me, huh?" Shziuo screamed as he caught up to Izaya. Izaya slowly looked to him, his eyes squinting in confusion as he tried reading Shizuo's face. The blond internally laughed; his love had to realize he couldn't do the things that Shizuo could.

"Well, I know it may be a bit complex for your protozoic—"

"Just stop talking," he interrupted as he flicked the other's forehead. The other raised a hand to rub at the sore spot.

"Ow."

"We can grab some Russia Sushi and then head to your sisters' place." Shizuo watched Izaya slightly pout as he tried looking up at the spot Shizuo had flicked. His movements froze though, glancing at Shizuo instead. "That way you're less of a lying flea."

Laughing, Izaya shook his head as he threw his hands in the air. "You know what? Fine. Let's see how beastly you are around children."

—

"I got to warn you," Izaya started, lowering his raised hand from the door. Shizuo held the packed take-out, three bags full of nothing but Russia Sushi. "They're loud and annoying."

"Can't be worse than you," Shizuo growled out as he gestured at Izaya to knock on the flat's door already.

Izaya raised his hand but froze, biting on his lower lip nervously. "They're almost just as bad as—"

"Shut your trap and open the damn door already!"

Izaya gave an exasperated sigh, letting his hand knock on the door. In less than a second, the door was whipped open and a body jumped onto Izaya's, tiny arms wrapping around his waist as Izaya tried balancing the girl to keep her from falling.

"Izaya! Did you bring the Russia Sushi? Don't lie to me, I can smell it!" she practically screamed, patting his hands to feel for some take-out. Her smile fell as she stared up at him. "What good are you if you can't even bring food?"

Izaya rolled his eyes as he grabbed the top of her head, turning it towards Shizuo. "Relax. Shizu-chan has it."

At that, two more eyes peaked out of the doorway, staring up at Shizuo intensely. Four unfamiliar eyes were now on him as he shifted his footing. He held up the bags, to which the loud one immediately let go of Izaya and jumped up to grab the food from Shizuo. Once it was in her grasp, she ran back into the apartment. The quieter one stared at him for a moment before following her sister.

Shizuo snapped his gaze at Izaya when the latter burst out laughing. "The look on your face is just--"

"Shut up!"

"I told you, they're something else," Izaya reminded as he calmed down a bit. He walked into the apartment, toeing off his shoes as Shizuo followed suit.

He heard rummaging in the kitchen, probably the girls taking their food out to eat it as quickly as possible. He had seen them before a little, only when Izaya visited. The three of them tried to act indifferent with each other, but there was this underlying love Shizuo saw each time they looked at one another. Even if he had only ever watched from behind a window, he could see the affection in their eyes.

Shizuo thought this was a perfect moment to show Izaya how great of a lover he could be. If he were able to convince the girls to like him, Izaya would see him as a gentler man maybe. If his sisters approved, it may give him a better impression in Izaya's mind. The thought of Izaya smiling at his skills with children made him feel giddy inside. He was going to make good use of the next few hours.

"Hey!" He heard Izaya rush up to the girls, snatching the chopsticks out of their hands as he repacked all the food. "This is for lunch. Did you guys even eat breakfast?"

"Aw, come on!" the louder one whined. He couldn't remember their names, thought it would come naturally but didn't. "Can we eat this now? We won't eat anything again until dinner, we swear!"

Izaya seemed to contemplate this for a moment before dropping the bag back onto the table with a slight grimace. "I'm making dinner."

"What? No! You always make something terrible when you get like this!" Mairu hit her fists against the table in a tantrum-like manner. Shizuo nearly marched up to her and slammed one of his hands on the table. Was she really showing disrespect to Izaya? He practically _raised_ her and this was how she thanked him?

"...wouldn't...," the quieter one spoke, glancing at her sister with a knowing look. Her eyes then landed on Shizuo. He could've sworn the teenager had narrowed her eyes at him, but he brushed it off as paranoia.

The louder girl understood her through one word somehow and gasped. "You're right, Kururi! He wouldn't want to make his guest uncomfortable, now would he?"

She gleamed up at Izaya with a knowing look, leaning a bit forward tauntingly. He only rolled his eyes, pushing her away with his hand over her face, including her glasses. She whined about him smudging them as Izaya walked to where Shizuo was with a shake of his head.

"I told you," he whispered before switching to a louder voice. "The obnoxious one is Mairu, the quieter is Kururi. Have fun."

"Wait!" Izaya turned around, looking over his shoulder. "Where are you going?"

"To shower. I feel gross."

And with that, he was gone. He looked back at the girls, both twins staring him down with suspicion in their eyes. Shocked was an understatement, he couldn't believe the two girls' reaction to him being here. Why were they so on guard? They were teenagers, what threat did they think Shizuo was?

Despite their obvious untrusting glances, they quickly ate up their food. They said nothing, only speaking to each other with their eyes, which was a bit uncanny. He couldn't understand why they were rushing to finish their food. From when he had watched them, they were messy-eaters, sure, but not fast. It took him a while, but he realized that they might've been eating quickly just so he wouldn't be alone with Izaya. What he couldn't exactly comprehend was _why._

By the time Izaya returned, his hair wet as some strands clung to his forehead, the girls were finished eating, dragging their brother to the living room. Shizuo silently followed, carefully watching them as he tried figuring them out.

"You girls ate that quickly?" Izaya questioned as he sat on the floor in front of the couch. Shizuo sat beside Izaya, the girls sitting across from them as they pulled out a board game. They did it so smoothly, sitting down as if they always did this. They probably did; it was practically routine by now. "Aren't you eager to play?"

"You didn't visit last weekend!" Mairu, he assumed, complained. "You haven't been visiting as often for the past few months."

At that moment, Shizuo understood. They thought _he_ was the reason why their brother wouldn't frequent their apartment as often. He supposed that they weren't wrong, but he still felt wrongly accused. It wasn't his intent, but he still felt a small smile creeping up to his lips. The thought of Izaya distancing himself from people made him a bit dizzy with accomplishment.

"I had to study for exams," Izaya explained giving a slight eye roll as he took the deck of cards sitting atop the first box. "Let's play signal first."

"...him..." Kururi looked at him, picking up the cards Izaya was handing out. She was clearly speaking about him, but what exactly was she saying? Was she trying to say it was his fault? He didn't think they would outright say it.

"Sure," Izaya said, and Shizuo almost flipped the coffee table beside them. He understood Izaya grew up with her, but how did he understand what she meant? She said nothing but a word, one that was ambiguous in their situation.

Kururi and Mairu glanced around each other for a moment while Izaya was still setting up the cards. Mairu then slid her cards over to Izaya for him to check and compare. Kururi stood up and walked to Shizuo, and from up close, he could see the displeased look in her eyes. Was he really that resented?

"...up." He stood up at her command, hoping he was doing the right thing. He may not have been able to show Izaya his brotherly side, but maybe if he showed that he understood his sisters, that would make Izaya swoon a bit.

He followed the small brunette to the hallway, away from the other pair. He realized that Kururi was his partner. He still didn't know how Izaya figured out her meaning. Maybe it was in the body language?

The girl stared up at him, her eyes looking big and innocent, but he knew all about pretending. He studied Izaya, after all, before he approached him. He could see the devious glint, just like her brother's.

He realized she was waiting for him to say something. He sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck, keeping his eyes on her. He was not going to lose to a couple of teenagers.

"All right, so the signal could be," his voice trailed as he tried thinking of one. Kururi raised her hand before she swept her bangs to the side. "Yeah, no, okay—"

In the midst of him speaking, she began to walk away. He groaned in frustration, raised his hand as if to punch the wall. He knew he couldn't, so he just clenched his fist in hopes that that would be enough to contain the anger he felt.

He had a feeling this would be a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i said it would 5000+ words, but i ended up writing a bit more to split it into two :/ but yay the twins make an appearance!
> 
> (happy poutine day btw)
> 
> anyway, see you in a few days. after the next three chapters, there may be a slight break as i try to plan out the next part of the story :)


	16. I'm Never Going to Let You Go

  
Feeling a bit calmer a moment later, he walked into the living room, Izaya smirking back up at him. "Took you long enough. Did Shizu-chan get lost on his way here?"

He glared at the raven boy sitting on the ground. "What did you say?"

Izaya laughed as he gestured to the vacant spot across from Kururi. He sat down with a huff, grabbing his cards as he looked at them. He thought about sharing them with Kururi, but with the hidden glare she was sending his way, he would rather not. In fact, he was beginning to think he never should've come along with Izaya. Maybe he should've waited until Izaya and he were officially together. That way, his chances of Izaya staying with him were higher. His sisters' opinion probably influenced his view on Shizuo, he assumed.

He brought his attention back to the game. Izaya flipped the cards in the centre over and the game began. Rounds had gone by and he kept his eyes on Kururi, waiting for her to give the signal. Maybe if he beat Izaya at this game, he would show he was perfect for family game nights—the perfect person to bring along to his sisters' house to play board games.

"Block!"

All thoughts flew out of Shizuo's mind as he tried processing what was going on. He saw Izaya grinning at Kururi as Mairu stuck her tongue out at Shizuo. The blond blinked, staring at the blank look on Kururi's face. Block? She hadn't done the signal though!

"Come on, Shizuo!" Mairu piped up and Shizuo immediately saw the glint in her eyes too. "She was playing with her hair tie for _ages._ "

Shizuo felt his eye twitch as he stared down at the girl's wrist; a thin, black hair tie was wrapped around her skin. Mairu was grinning at him, a hint of a smirk in her smile.

He didn't want to call her out on it, didn't want to cause so much drama so early on in their meeting, but Izaya was probably thinking of him as some incompetent idiot. While he didn't mind that, he didn't like how it was the girls that put the thought in the raven-haired man's head.

"But that wasn't our signal!" he cried out, keeping himself from giving the young girl the nastiest glare he had ever felt his rage create. He didn't like violence, he really didn't, but anything and anybody that came in between his relationship with Izaya was enough for Shizuo to throw them off a building— or throw a building at them. He had to remind himself that these were his love's sisters, so he couldn't squash them underneath a skyscraper.

Kururi tilted her head at his words, still playing with the hair tie around her wrist. Mairu noticed and shook her head at him. "You can't just say stuff like that when you're on the losing end."

"Why, you—"

"Come on, now, Shizu-chan!" For a moment, Shizuo had forgotten Izaya could hear every one of their words. He probably looked like a crazy man, blaming two innocent-looking girls for his misfortunes and mistakes. They had really thought this through. "Don't be such a sore loser!"

"Yeah, Shizuo!" Mairu patronized, her words supported by Kururi's silent nod. Shizuo clenched his fists, hoping that was enough to contain his anger, but before he could say anything else, Mairu spoke up again. "If you're having such a hard time accepting your loss, we can always have a rematch."

Shizuo saw the mischief in her eyes and he suddenly understood. _Oh._

He narrowed his eyes unconsciously. He had to be more alert around these girls. He'd be dammed if he let them be the downfall of his and Izaya's relationship.

—

The game continued on with the girls making him look bad at every chance they got. The only thing keeping him from punching them both was Izaya and the genuine happiness in his eyes as they made Shizuo look like a fool. It probably wasn't any different for Izaya; he always viewed Shizuo as an idiot anyway, so their ploy really didn't do much. It still bothered him though, it infuriated him to no end.

After cards, they had played some board games. The girls continued their antics throughout each game, but nothing was enough for Izaya to truly be concerned with something. In other words, they failed to get rid of him. He would've felt joy in that, would've maybe sent his own mocking smile their way, but his original plan to show his brotherly side to Izaya was completely shattered and that ruined any victorious feeling he would've— _should've_ felt.

Hours had gone by and it was nearing dinner time. Izaya excused himself to the kitchen to make food, and after the twins gave a nod to each other, Kururi stood up and followed after her brother. Shizuo watched her go, sending glares on her back. She walked as if she didn't try getting him kicked out. Shizuo gritted his teeth, his hand grabbing onto the coffee table's leg in anger. He couldn't punch anything, not when that would only further prove the twins' point, so he could only hope he wouldn't cause any property damage to the table he was squeezing the life out of. That wouldn't be too good for him.

"So what're you doing here?"

Shizuo turned his attention to Mairu, giving her a snarl. Kururi was skeptical, but so was Mairu; the only difference was she was just more obvious about it. Her loudness was probably to thank for that.

"What do you mean?" Shizuo asked, giving his own glower, his teeth grinding against each other. Still, he gave a mocking smile as if to prove their messing around had been futile. "I'm just visiting."

"But why?" She narrowed her eyes as she sat on the other side of the coffee table, her elbows on the table with her chin in her hands. She was definitely Izaya's sister. "You have some ulterior motive, don't you?"

Shizuo let himself roll his eyes. The Orihara family might as well be the _ulterior motives_ family, yet here he was, being accused of their tendencies.

"I'm just _visiting_ ," he insisted, glancing at the kitchen. Kururi was probably keeping Izaya busy— distracted as Mairu interrogated him. What exactly were they trying to figure out?

"Careful, Shizu- _chan,_ " she taunted as she lowered her voice. "We're going to watching your every move, so you best be careful you don't cross any lines or Kururi and I are going to show you what seven years of martial arts looks like."

He thought about his mistakes, flirting with Izaya when he was grieving, and not just a few times. He had done it repeatedly. The hurt in Izaya's eyes was suddenly too real for him as he stared off into nothing, his mind growing wistful. He was sure it showed on his face but he didn't know if that was a good or bad thing; hopefully, it would create some sympathy. All he knew was he wasn't paying attention to anything anymore. Before he knew it, the words were leaving his mouth.

"It might be too late."

There was a gasp before a force to his cheek. He blinked as he realized what had just happened in the past few seconds; he admitted to having crossed a line (which was one the dumbest things he had ever done; whether he was thinking about admitting his mistakes or committing the mistakes was unclear to him) and Mairu punched him or tried to anyway.

He grinned at her as he realized she just put the situation in his favour. He fell to the floor on his side as he would've if he didn't have his above-average strength. He heard rustling from the kitchen and frantic footsteps coming closer. He groaned for a better effect, feeling the heat of Mairu's glare. He stuck out his tongue at her in the same way she had done earlier to him.

Maybe Izaya would tend to his wounds, he thought as he felt the other crouch beside him, glancing between the blond and his youngest sister. He noticed Mairu's clenched fist, his crimson eyes lingering on Shizuo's face as he inspected it for any bruises or anything that might've needed some ice or attention. Shizuo tried making it seem as if he were in pain, but he didn't think it mattered all that much.

When he didn't see any red, Izaya sighed and stood back up. He stayed silent, Kururi clutching onto his sleeve as she pulled him back to the kitchen. He followed after giving the situation one more glance, Kururi doing the same as her eyes stayed on her sister.

He smirked as the youngest Orihara's face flared red with anger. "I'm going to kill you!" she threatened, standing up and making her way to one of the couches to be as far away from Shizuo as she could possibly be.

Shizuo sighed as he leaned against the coffee table, maintaining his spot on the floor. _Why is everyone so suspicious of our love_ _life_ _, Izaya?_

He thought about the twins. They were clearly against him and were doing everything they could to get rid of him. On the other hand, Izaya didn't seem fazed by their antics. He had an idea that it might've had to do something with Shiki. Maybe Izaya introduced him to the girls too, and they had a similar reaction. Maybe they thought Izaya was moving on too quickly. The thought made him growl and he ignored the look Mairu was sending his way. He was upset that Izaya would bring Shiki here, to his sisters. They shouldn't have ever been that close. The worst part is Shizuo _knew_ that Shiki and the twins made a truce at the end of the day. They were probably just the best of friends, Shizuo thought, scoffing as he, unintentionally, rolled his eyes.

Once Shizuo found his logical thinking again, he supposed it didn't matter much; the point was Izaya seemed indifferent to their reactions, more annoyed than anything. The twins couldn't possibly influence Izaya's life choices at all, unless they had an extremely reasonable excuse. Shizuo wouldn't give them one.

At that, he decided he wouldn't get rid of them. It would be too much of a hassle, and besides, it was like his Shinra situation; it wouldn't be as clean to kill them. Izaya would also be greatly devastated, and he didn't want to bring that unnecessary pain to him unless he had to. Plus, they were _children._ What could they possibly do against him? A _monster_?

Izaya walked in with two plates of food, Kururi holding the other two. They placed it all on the coffee table as Izaya rushed back to the kitchen to grab water. Mairu grabbed the TV remote and played something on.

"It's only to shut you up," Mairu sneered, immediately neutralizing her face as Izaya walked back into the room. Shizuo laughed, and he used the TV as an excuse for his sudden burst of laughter, but really, it was just hilarious to him. How could he have ever been afraid of two young girls coming in the way of his and Izaya's love? Ridiculous.

They all ate dinner, Izaya and Mairu arguing over the most trivial things. Mairu would shut Izaya up by chewing loudly with her mouth open, some food dropping out of her mouth, which prompted Izaya to scold her, telling her to look at the ceiling and chew. He said at least then he wouldn't have to look at her face and food wouldn't drop onto the sofa.

Shizuo had mostly observed, not getting much of a chance to speak and not speaking when given the chance. He had a guess that the twins were keeping him from conversing with their elder brother and he thought it would be better to observe than deal with something he was still so unfamiliar with.

Luckily, it was over in a matter of minutes. Izaya collected the plates and washed the dishes in the sink. Shizuo offered to help, and sighed in relief when the girls didn't follow the both of them into the kitchen.

"You look like you're going to scream until the wall cracks," Izaya teased, pulling his sleeves up as he turned the sink's tap on. "They like getting on people's nerves."

"I can see where they get it from," Shizuo grumbled as he took the plate Izaya handed to him along with a rag, drying it off. "They throw a hell of a punch."

_No, they really don't._

Izaya giggled as he shook his head. "Yeah, they tend to do that. I put the whole world at risk when I signed them up at the dojo."

Izaya looked up as he handed him the next plate, a gentle smile on his face. "I'm going to be staying the night. I usually do when I visit."

Shizuo wasn't upset that he wasn't offered to sleep over. The girls clearly hated him, and Izaya knew that; he wouldn't torture all of them just for the sake of having Shizuo stay the night. Besides, he could tell Izaya still hadn't fully forgiven him yet—and rightfully so—so he could understand why Izaya wasn't jumping at the idea of him staying.

Shziuo nodded, taking the plate from Izaya. "All right. Guess I'm gonna have to walk home by myself."

"You're a big boy," Izaya mocked in a voice that one would speak in when they spoke to babies. "A beast like you shouldn't have a problem finding their way home from the wild!"

"God, do you ever shut the hell up?" Shizuo grabbed the plate with a bit more force than necessary as he dried it off, grumbling curses as Izaya laughed again. He placed the dish back into the cabinet with the rest before leaving the kitchen.

He guided Shizuo to the front door, where the latter immediately put his shoes on. When he finished tying the laces, he straightened up, looking at a smiling Izaya. He gave a light one back.

"Well, if you ever want to get decked again, you know where to come," Izaya teased as he unlocked the door, opening it for Shizuo. "Now get out."

"I'll see you tomorrow," he bid, stepping out of the flat.

"Maybe you will, maybe you won't," he chanted with his usual lilt. Shizuo turned back around one more time, catching the content in Izaya's eyes before the other shut the door.

Despite all the things the twins tried to do to ruin their relationship, it was a good day.

—

He waited until all the lights turned off before slipping back into the apartment. He kept his shoes on lest he got caught and had to make a quick escape. He wouldn't get caught though, he would be extremely careful, but he would rather be prepared for anything and everything than lose all that he had worked for over a stupid mistake.

He stepped into the hallway of the apartment, walking down the corridor as he looked at the different doors. He wasn't too sure which one Izaya was sleeping in, but he had a good guess. He noticed that one room was slightly opened, so he took his chances there first. Upon reaching the door, he realized it didn't have a doorknob. He furrowed his brows at that. He would think about it later though, he had to have his complete focus on the task at hand, at the moment.

Pushing the door open, he peeked through before he walked into the room and saw Izaya's sleeping form on the bed. He may have seen him asleep the night before from a close proximity, but he was too afraid of waking him up to really focus on him, to get too close. Imagine if Izaya woke up with Shizuo's face half a centimetre away. That would be disastrous.

Shaking his head at the thought, Shizuo's eyes landed on the bottle of pills on the nightstand and he could only guess what they were for. He was a bit surprised since Izaya didn't like taking anything that would result in doing things that weren't exactly his actions, or anything that really messed with his mind. He wasn't asleep on his own terms, he would say, and that shocked Shizuo a bit, but when he thought about the previous nights — with the exception of last night — he could remember a bottle glinting from the moonlight.

Speaking of moonlight, it hit Izaya's face just right. Shizuo smiled gently as he crouched in front of him, pushing a strand away from his eyes as he stared at Izaya's face lovingly. His hand traced the other's features, his fingertips gently going over his eyelids and the bridge of his nose. He caressed his love's cheek, tempted to give it a kiss. He wasn't going to push his luck. Instead, he took out his phone and snapped a couple of pictures of him, making sure the sound was off, admiring how perfect Izaya looked. _I'm never going to let you go._

He stood up, remembering that he wanted to get a look around. Even though this wasn't his dorm, it was still his room, which meant there were his personal belongings around. Shizuo walked to the dresser, his eyes skimming the objects. There were a couple of rings, a pair of scissors, some pictures, and other miscellaneous things.

He took one of the rings and held it in the light, thinking about how it had just been around Izaya's finger moments ago. There were some strands of hair by the scissors, too. He lowly chuckled, knowing Izaya liked to cut his own hair. Judging by the length of the sleeping Izaya's hair, the strands in his hand weren't recent—the raven was probably too lazy to clean up the room, telling himself he would tidy it later— but he still picked up the strands, entranced by the shine of the light on them. It looked just as glossy as the hair on Izaya's head did. It didn't matter that the strands were old; it was Izaya's, and that was enough.

He put the hair and the ring in his pockets, glad he had something else to add to his collection. With another smile, he bent down by Izaya again, watching the other slowly inhale and exhale peacefully, no crease on his forehead as there usually was when he was awake. He raised a hand, once more leaving feather-like touches on his love's forehead.

Shizuo froze at footsteps.

"What are you doing?"


	17. You Really Did Change Me

Shizuo slowly looked at the door, only to find Kururi standing there with a warning look in her eyes, along with suspicion and confusion. Her mouth was agape, ready to scream if need be. Shizuo realized that that was the most he had heard her speak all day.

He was glad it was the quiet one instead of Mairu; with her, he wouldn't be able to talk his way out and she would only wake Izaya up. At least with Kururi, he had a chance of not being caught by Izaya. He just had to think of a realistic excuse, but his mind couldn't come up with anything. It just ranged from ' _Please, don't tell him!'_ to _'it's not what it looks like!'_ All of his excuses were garbage, but he couldn't just stay silent.

Slowly, he cautiously stood up, minding the floorboards as he straightened up. Eventually, he decided to wing it. "I forgot my phone."

_Fantastic._ That one sentence was exactly why he planned everything out in advance.

Kururi simply raised an eyebrow, a habit she seemed to share with Izaya. "In Izaya's room?"

"Yes," he rushed out, exasperated. It took him a second, but he realized how bad it sounded. With slightly widened eyes, he held an arm out, as if that would stop her from jumping to conclusions. "I mean, no. I—"

He interrupted himself, stopping short as he realized his voice was getting a bit loud. With one last look on Izaya's limp form, he slowly walked to the doorway, pushing Kururi to the side so he could shut the door quietly. He then bent down to Kururi's height, kneeling as he tried to think of a way to explain to her.

"...truth," she softly said, the same way she had been all day. He realized that the way she spoke may not have been to spite or confuse him, but it was just the way she genuinely conversed. In shock, she probably just had more to say, the opposite of anyone's else reaction; people usually lost their words when surprised.

"I just wanted to make sure your brother was okay." It wasn't a complete lie; he was always looking out for Izaya and trying to keep him from trouble. It was kind of hard when he was like a danger magnet, attracting all kinds of trouble.

She probably heard the sincerity in his voice because her eyes softened. She kept her gaze on him, probably searching for any doubt or even a hint of a lie. He didn't blame her; she just wanted to protect her oldest sibling.

Finally, she let out a soft sigh, slightly nodding her head. "...care?"

_You care?_ he assumed the question was, and Shizuo nearly dropped to the ground in relief. She believed him, he was in the clear! It wasn't over yet. _I wouldn't lose us so quickly, Izaya._

He nodded to confirm her question, a smile on his face as he thought about Izaya. Of course, he cared! He loved him. "Yeah, I do."

The brunette smiled, and he could see the gleam in her eyes as she took a step back, no longer feeling as if Shizuo were a threat. "...won't tell."

He really was glad she was the one who caught him. She seemed to understand his love for Izaya, the overwhelming concern he felt for him. She was so quick to understand; Mairu would've screamed right away.

"Thank you." He stood up, ruffling her hair a bit. Whenever he did the same to Kasuka's hair, his brother would complain but he would be giggling, which was out of the ordinary since he always had his deadpanned face. Shizuo knew he enjoyed it, it probably was like some kind of praise.

No more words were said as he walked out of the corridor. Giving Izaya's door one last glance, he left.

—

" _Do it, monster!"_

Shizuo jolted as he felt an ache on his head. Growling, he whipped his head to the left to yell at the person. He found his coworker, standing there angrily as he tapped his foot on the ground with his arms crossed. There was a stack of empty coffee cups in his hand, probably to restock the nearly empty pile.

"Don't sleep on the job!"

Shizuo ignored the guy as he turned around, walking away from the angry blond. Once he was sure his coworker wasn't near his sight, he let out a sigh as he recalled the dream. It was the same one he's had a countless number of times; Izaya would be in front of him, on the ground with nothing but broken bones, and Shizuo would walk to him, a vending machine dragging behind. He could do nothing to stop himself from raising the heavy object and—

He shook his head, clearing his mind of all the absurd thoughts. He wouldn't ever hurt Izaya, and he would tell himself that a million times until he finally got it through his thick skull. 

Glancing around, he noticed the shop wasn't as busy as it had been for the past week or so. He was glad; the busy days were a hassle to deal with. Besides, now he didn't have to wait until his break to go on his phone. His coworker would be in the back, dealing with their stocks, and there weren't a lot of customers to deal with. Checking the time, he realized he had maybe five minutes before the real rush came in.

He clicked on the Instagram icon, searching up Izaya's name to see if he was accepted. Upon seeing the _'follow'_ button again, he groaned, unable to suppress it. Izaya had rejected his request, but at least he hadn't blocked him. Shizuo would try again later; maybe he could make a fake account, pretending to be someone Izaya knew. He could do that or he could hack into Shinra's account. He would decide soon enough.

Closing the app, his eyes landed on the messages icon, a _2_ by it, notifying him of a message, or two, actually. Curious, he clicked on it and noticed a number he knew by heart. It was Izaya's, but from what he could recall, Izaya and he never exchanged numbers or any other contact information, despite all that they had been through. Izaya had usually just shown up if he wanted to talk, or Shizuo would go to Izaya's dorm.

He thought it wasn't too strange. After all, Izaya was an informant, or working to become one. Finding information and knowing things were practically his job, and it made sense to Shizuo. He didn't question it any further as he read the message. 

_I tried telling you, my sisters are a pain to deal with. I think they like you, they don't shut up about you. They're wondering if they could meet up with you again. Don't you worry, Shizu-chan! You won't be seeing them anytime soon._

_I'll be by in fifteen. Try not missing me too much til then~~_

Shizuo didn't bother replying to the message, knowing Izaya was probably on his way in five minutes, seeing as the message was sent a little over ten minutes ago. Besides, it didn't matter what Shizuo responded with, Izaya would still show up. _Not that I'm complaining._

He grinned as he locked his phone, shoving it into his pocket as he looked around. He noticed more people entering the shop. He took some orders before he realized it was rush hour, the busiest time of all. Shizuo panicked as he tried taking everyone's order and making their coffee as quickly as he could. What if it was still so busy by the time Izaya got here? He might not be able to give Izaya as much attention as he deserved, and that thought was disturbing in the least. 

He sighed, handing a lady an extra-large iced coffee. He would just have to hope for the best. Maybe the crowd would die down in minutes, way before Izaya got here.

It had only been a few moments before he realized he was wrong. Only more people kept showing up, and they weren't any easier to deal with. Customers were on a whole other level of testing his patience, which already wasn't much to begin with.

"I asked for two coffees!" a man yelled out, slamming his hand on the counter as he glared at Shizuo. "Both extra large!"

Shizuo gritted his teeth as he forced out a smile, which probably came a lot more feral than he intended it to be. He couldn't care less at this point. "No, you didn't."

"Uh, yeah, I think I did! Call your manager, I—"

Shizuo squeezed the hand holding the coffee, it kind of exploding as some of it trailed down his hand and onto the counter. The man stopped talking, staring at Shizuo with wide eyes. The blond held out the medium-sized coffee, more than half of it already spilt out. The man said nothing as he yanked the coffee out his hands, rushing out the door.

As he left, Shizuo noticed Izaya walk in with a grin on his face. He held the door open for the man who didn't even bother thanking him. That only made Shizuo even more mad. Izaya walked towards him, ignoring the long line. Shizuo paid him no mind as he took the next person's order. From what it seemed, Izaya had been watching for a while, which meant he saw the entire scene unfold. Shizuo groaned at that; he didn't need to give Izaya another reason to call him a beast.

Instead of heading to him, Izaya walked to the nearest empty table. Despite the busyness of the café, there were a few vacant seats. Many people preferred to grab their coffee and leave as quickly as they came in. Shizuo saw Izaya laugh as he continued to work, and Shizuo tried his best to clear the line as fast as he possibly could.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, he was granted a break. It seemed like an hour had gone by, but he wasn't sure; his focus hadn't been on the time at all. Izaya had, obviously, been the centre of his attention the entire time.

He sat across from Izaya, who was watching Shizuo's every move with the same grin he had when he walked in. He waited for Izaya to say something, but the latter said nothing, a hint of mischief in his eyes as he stared at the blond.

Shizuo cut the silence with his snarl. "Listen, louse, I only have twenty minutes left of my break. What the hell did you come here for?"

"I thought you'd bring me coffee," Izaya whined with a pout, tracing the table with his finger absentmindedly. "You're real mean."

"You have to _pay_ to be served," he growled out, showing his anger to Izaya as he clenched the table. His love seemed to notice his frustration, and his smile only grew.

"Aw, Shizu-chan!" he mewled. "I thought you knew how much of a loyal, paying customer I am!"

"I don't trust you as far as I can throw you." Shizuo realized what he was saying only after the words left his mouth. It was such a common phrase, he never really thought about what it meant whenever he used it. Only now did he realize how invalid the statement was in his case.

"From what I can see, you can actually throw me a bit far, so your argument is as useless as you are," Izaya explained, choosing to tap his fingers instead of tracing. Shizuo noticed and chuckled at how easily Izaya got bored with one thing. Izaya seemed to notice his laugh, but didn't say anything. He probably only thought about it, which Shizuo could see by the crease between the other's eyebrows. "Besides, trust has nothing to do with our conversation."

"You want a coffee? Go buy a damn coffee. I'm on break," he grumbled out as he leaned back in his chair. He usually spent his breaks in the alley outside the café, but recently, he hadn't been smoking as much as he had been months ago. _You really did change me._

Izaya leaned forward on his elbows, his eyes narrowing on Shizuo dangerously. Shizuo thought Izaya had never been as beautiful as he was right now. "I was hoping you'd be a nice—"

Izaya then closed his eyes, his smile dropping as he looked off to the side. He bit his lips to keep himself from saying something, the danger that was once in his eyes clouded by nervousness instead. Shizuo grew angry at himself as he clenched his hands on the table for real this time. He couldn't stand another minute of Izaya like this. He missed Izaya teasing him, and he was going to let Izaya know exactly what he thought about all this.

"Can you stop?" he spoke through gritted teeth in, surprisingly, a calm tone. "I'm tired of your bull. You're so afraid of nothing! Stop thinking that everything you say is going to be misinterpreted. I know it's my fault, but goddamnit, this is getting _tiring._ When did you ever start caring about what other people think of you, huh?"

Moments of heavy breathing later, Shizuo realized just what he said. His breath hitched, his lungs ignoring the fact that he was breathless. Had he said too much? Of course, he said too much! Izaya was already so fragile, and one wrong sentence was enough to make him go into hiding. Just what was he thinking? Going that far wouldn't do anyone any good.

Despite Shizuo's thoughts, Izaya only blushed at being called out, his eyes shifting away from Shizuo. The blond noticed that his crimson eyes had fallen on him as he ranted out. Shizuo blinked at Izaya avoiding eye contact and the rest of his reaction. Maybe he hadn't gone as far as he thought?

"Shut up, stupid protozoan," he mumbled as he stared out the windows. Shizuo saw a quirk of his lips as his love's gaze landed on the streets, full of people going about their day. Izaya suddenly stood up, giving Shizuo a quick glance. His smile only grew at Shizuo's confusion. "Well, I hope your day's as busy as ever and customers scream at you some more."

He made to leave but Shizuo quickly stood up as if to chase after him. He really did say too much, didn't he? Why was Izaya so confusing? "What, you're leaving?"

"Silly Shizu-chan!" Izaya giggled, pushing his chair back in as he raised his chin at Shizuo. There it was, there was the insecurity Shizuo had been waiting for. Maybe he really hadn't pushed any limits; after all, this was Izaya's reaction to basically everything. "I've got a life to live!"

"What—"

"Maybe I'll see you around," Izaya chirped, the lilt noticeable in his voice, more than ever. He walked towards the door slowly. "Maybe I won't."

Shizuo had only watched him leave. They both knew they would see each other again. There was no doubt about it, but for now, he had to finish his shift.

—

The rest of his work period had been uneventful; just angry customers and all that. He had enough of the café for one day, choosing to get out its vicinity as quickly as he possibly could. Roaming the streets wasn't bad, it helped eased his mind as he tried gathering his thoughts. He decided to walk on the run-down streets again; he was more done with people in general rather than the café. All people except for Izaya.

Out of habit, his hand trailed the area in his pocket where his cigarettes were. He decided to quit for Izaya, since he wanted to be a better man for him. Choosing to end it officially, he took out the box and threw it in a nearby trash can. Luckily for him, he never really cared how expensive the cigarettes were; he just needed the relief that came with one. Call it the placebo effect, it might've been, but it didn't matter anymore. He was done with all that. He would have to remember to throw out the stash he had at home.

The park came into view and he decided to go through it. He might find Izaya again, and he was counting on it. Izaya was spending a lot more time here and Shizuo liked to think he was the reason why, or part of it. He, unfortunately, knew that Shiki also contributed to Izaya's choice of being here. It didn't matter though, Shizuo planned to make the abandoned park _their_ park, overwriting any mementoes or sentiment Izaya and Shiki might've had. He wanted Izaya to realize that though he might've cared for Shiki, it wasn't _love._

Just as he suspected, Izaya was in the park. This time, however, he sat on one of the broken-down picnic tables, the seat on one side practically missing. Instead, the raven sat on where the food was supposed to go as his legs were perched on the seating area, facing the unbroken side.

"You're not supposed to sit there, you know?" he called out, his hands in his pockets as he made himself visible for his love. Izaya looked up from his phone, locking it before he shoved it into his pockets.

He gave the response Shizuo knew he would. "I don't like rules."

Shizuo sat neat Izaya's feet, looking up at the man. He wasn't planning on seeing Izaya today, or rather, he didn't plan on speaking with him. He didn't want the other to think of him as a stalker with how many times they just so happened to meet and speak. He really didn't plan on meeting Izaya, but all he could hope for now was for him to think of this as a mere coincidence.

"How come you're here and not in class?" he asked, genuinely curious as to why Izaya had been seemingly free for the past few days. It was like he suddenly stopped caring about how he did in school. That didn't seem like Izaya, but he couldn't think of a reason why he wasn't attending his classes.

Izaya gave a devil-like grin, feigning innocence behind his smile as he looked down at Shizuo. His smile was there as if to say he knew something the other didn't. In most cases, that might've been true, but not with Shizuo. The blond knew much more than Izaya, he had to with how often he was watching him and researching him. He liked to think he knew Izaya better than the man knew himself.

"I have my last exam in a couple of days," Izaya answered, averting his eyes to the park. Shizuo could hear the smile in his voice. "Then I'm done until September."

Shizuo clenched his fists. He should've known Izaya's schedule from before, he always did! He was supposed to know more than Izaya, yet he couldn't even keep track of a mere schedule? It was ridiculous, but he refused to think of it as a mistake. He decided to modify his previous thought; he knew more than Izaya with the exception of trivial things. He considered Izaya's schedule as trivial only because he didn't want to admit to forgetting something important. His schedule was probably one of the least trivial things; after all, it helped him keep track of where Izaya was and when, doing what. He refused to admit to all that, choosing to ignore his fatal mistake.

Before he could say anything else, Izaya spoke up again. "Do you mind doing me a favour?"

It took a moment for Shizuo's mind to process the question. Was he really asking Shizuo for a favour? He wasn't complaining at all; it just showed how close they were getting. Clearly, Shizuo meant something to Izaya, and he trusted him at least a little bit. He even fell asleep in the middle of nowhere just a couple days ago, trusting Shizuo to keep him safe, and now he was asking for a favour. It couldn't be any more clear.

"A favour?" he repeated.

"Yeah," he hopped off the bench, standing up as he glanced at Shizuo, waiting for him to do the same. The blond slowly stood up, waiting for further instructions. "Just follow me."

—

Shizuo walked right beside Izaya as the latter took them who knows where. They were no longer in the isolated area but near an unfamiliar place. Shizuo couldn't recall the streets, didn't know where each led, and that was concerning. He didn't like not knowing the situation; he couldn't afford Izaya getting the upper-hand somehow.

Izaya silently stopped in front of a store, arm raised high as he gestured to the storefront. Shizuo looked up, eyebrows furrowing as he read the letters. A flower shop?

Izaya walked in with no words said, stepping in as if he did so as often as he strolled into his own home. Shizuo followed after him, eyeing the walls and the flowers cautiously. Maybe the owner was somebody Izaya knew, somebody Izaya worked with or did some illegal things with. Shizuo was more alert as Izaya approached the man behind the counter. The blond's fist was clenched, ready to punch the man's face in as he walked behind Izaya.

"Izaya!" he cheered once his eyes landed on the raven, who walked up to the counter and took out his card. The man walked to the side, near some flowers, his hands reaching out for the stems. "Same as usual?"

"Actually, no." His words seemed to make the man pause in his actions, slowly letting go of the bouquet he had been in the process of making. Izaya smiled as he gestured to the red flowers near him. He picked up a few, handing them to the man so he could wrap them together.

"Suitopi?" the man questioned, taking the flowers and putting them in a bouquet. Izaya didn't say anything else, only standing near the card machine with his credit card. The man finished the bouquet and handed it over to Izaya, entering some numbers before telling Izaya he could tap his card.

Izaya gave one last smile before leaving the shop Shizuo wordlessly following behind as he tried to comprehend the situation.

"What are the flowers for?" he finally asked. Izaya kept his smile as he stopped walking, staring off at where they paused. Shizuo's head turned and his heart skipped a beat as he realized where they were. "A graveyard."

Izaya walked in with Shizuo following behind him. They walked the familiar path until they reached Shiki's grave. Shizuo watched, his arms crossed as he wondered what the favour could be. Did he want Shizuo to dig Shiki's body up? It was morbid, but a grieving man knew no limits. Izaya was no exception to that. Despite what he liked to think, he was just as human as everyone else.

Izaya sat in front of his grave, turning his head back to Shizuo. He said nothing but it was like his eyes were pleading Shizuo for something. _Just tell me what you want and I'll do it for you._

Izaya nervously turned his attention back to Shiki, biting his lip as he fumbled with the bouquet. "Hi, Haruya."

Shizuo clutched his arm harder. Since when did Izaya ever call Shiki by his first name? It was unheard of!

"I know I just saw you recently, but I felt like I had to do this as soon as possible," Izaya spoke with no regard to Shizuo being there. Instead, he just took a deep breath. "I'm doing fine, I actually didn't come to talk. I came to say goodbye."

Shizuo's eyes widened as Izaya placed the bouquet on the dirt patch. Shizuo hid his grin, turning his face to the side lest Izaya saw. He couldn't ruin the moment, but he couldn't help but to feel happy. Shiki was finally going to be out of their lives.

"I don't mean goodbye forever, but for now. I'll still visit you," Izaya rushed out, as if he was worried of Shiki thinking the wrong thing. Shizuo wondered if Izaya knew that he didn't have to worry about that. "Just maybe not as often. I think I've finally accepted your death and I think I can live without you— not without you, but, I mean— damn it, why's this so hard?"

Shizuo figured out why he was here. He took a step forward, placing a hand on Izaya's shoulder as he crouched beside him. Izaya turned to him and gave him a shaky smile. Shizuo knew he was doing the right thing.

"I think I'll be okay without you now," Izaya whispered, caressing the ground to feel closer to Shiki. "I couldn't say bye properly before when you were still here, so I'm saying it now. I really will love you forever."

No matter how angry Izaya's words made him, Shizuo refused to react. He just had to keep silent and be there for Izaya. He had to play the role that he previously failed at fulfilling. Now was his chance at redemption. Izaya could forgive him if he realized Shizuo didn't mean to act so insensitive a few months ago. If he were ready to bid Shiki, he might be ready to forgive Shizuo.

Izaya's hand sought out Shizuo's clenching tightly as he let out uneasy breaths. Shizuo gave a reassuring smile. Izaya had to have loved him, he was probably just running away from his feelings. He said goodbye to Shiki, he was holding his hand— it was obvious. Even if it weren't love Izaya felt, he had to have been feeling something for Shizuo.

Everything was going in his favour and he might've been closer to getting Izaya in his arms than he originally thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suitopi— sweet peas...I read somewhere that its means goodbye..? not sure if its accurate but yk


	18. There's a Shine in Your Eyes When We Speak

  
For the next two weeks, they met up at the café or the park. Shizuo would be working, dealing with angry customers, and Izaya would come in and sit on an empty table as he waited for Shizuo to go on break or for him to finish his shift. That, or Shizuo would find Izaya in the park, idly swinging or sitting on the grass. Shizuo would join him as they lied on the ground, talking to each other until the break of dawn. Each time, with the light of the moon gently hitting Izaya's face, softening his features, Shizuo wanted to kiss him more than anything.

Izaya would go on about conspiracies and theories about the world, explaining why they were logical and more than a ludicrous thought. Shizuo would listen to every word that slipped between Izaya's lips, watching carefully as he imagined the both of them falling asleep after their talks instead of going their separate ways.

Shizuo smiled at the memories of the past fortnight. He was able to relax since he had nothing to worry about. He and Izaya were at a good place, and soon enough, he was sure he would be able to take Izaya on a date. He was so excited and overjoyed, he had to share the news with someone, which was why he decided to call his brother.

He was on his break, standing in the alley he used to come to for a smoke. He dialled his brother's number, listening to the rings as he waited. After what seemed to be a long while, Kasuka finally picked up.

_"Shizuo?"_

"Hey, Kasuka," Shizuo greeted, his smile growing at his brother's voice. It was nice to hear from Kasuka every time. "How have you been?"

 _"I've been all right, nothing new,"_ he answered. There was some shuffling; he was probably leaving the room he was in to get some privacy. " _You?"_

"I've been meaning to talk to you for a while now. Izaya and I have been talking and it's been smooth, you know?" Shizuo listened for any kind of reaction, but nothing gave any indication of what Kasuka was thinking. Shizuo decided to continue. "I think he's finally forgiven me, or has almost fully forgiven me. He's also finally let go of that Shiki guy, which means he's starting to realize where his heart's supposed to be."

 _"I'm happy for you."_ Shizuo could hear the sincerity in his voice. He leaned back on the alley's wall, waiting to hear the support of his brother. It was reassuring, proving to himself that he wasn't alone in this. Of course, he had Izaya, but knowing there was someone else cheering him on was a good feeling and it only helped him push forward. _"But this 'Shiki guy,' he died, didn't he?"_

Shizuo furrowed his brows, nodding as he responded. "Yeah, but what does that got to do with anything?"

He could've sworn he heard a sigh from Kasuka, and that only made Shizuo more on edge. " _It's not easy getting over a death."_

"He'll be fine," Shizuo reassured. "Besides, there's not much to 'get over'. It's— he'll be okay."

Shizuo noticed his brother's lack of words and frowned. His hesitancy was already concerning, but he knew, despite what he thought, Kasuka would always be there for him. He didn't have to worry about that, but it was still unsettling to hear Kasuka like this.

"I've got to go," Shizuo quickly said, not like it mattered though; Kasuka wasn't going to say anything anyway. His brother bid farewell, hanging up right after. Shizuo only stared at his phone, biting the inside of his cheek.

_It'll be fine. This is just my paranoia speaking, my insecurities. Nothing more._

With those as his final thoughts, he placed the phone back in his pocket, entering the café to resume his shift. One could probably tell that he was angry, with the way he slammed the doors open and dropped the coffee cup every two seconds. He even snapped one of the brooms in half while trying to clean his mess. He sighed when his coworker told him the replacements were going to be coming from his paycheque. It made sense though, he couldn't even argue about it.

To calm himself down, he thought of Izaya. Immediately, he was smiling and pouring in the coffee as gently as he could with his anger still swimming around in his mind. He still only half-tried with the customers' coffees, but at least it was coffee and not just a cup of water, which he had done only once.

Shizuo thought about the current date, and realized it was nearing the end of the month, today dating April 25th. That meant there were only nine days until Izaya's birthday. He smiled as he thought about how their first birthday celebration together would go. Sure, they had known each other when it was his birthday back in January, but he didn't tell Izaya. He couldn't have since he was just the man who served Izaya his coffee, at the time. Now, however, they were friends, but he had a feeling Izaya felt a bit more about him.

_You have to like more than you're letting on. You may act all flirty with everyone, but that's just your personality. It's different with me though; there's a shine in your eyes whenever you see me._

So, he deemed it okay that they missed his birthday. After all, they still had years to come, years that they would spend together. They had many more birthdays to celebrate in the future, so missing one was like holding his breath for a mere two seconds. It had no effect.

He couldn't leave Izaya's birthday though. He probably wasn't supposed to know that it was coming up, but he could easily lie and say it was Shinra or his sisters that told him. That might be a bit difficult, since he could ask Shinra about it and scold his sisters; they would both prove to deny it. He could just say it was actually Izaya himself that told him, but that would just backfire; Izaya barely gave out information on himself. He decided to just say it was the twins, since that was his safest bet.

Now, all he needed was a gift. Thinking of the perfect gift was probably the hardest part of this entire situation. It had to be significant, had to have meaning, but it couldn't be anything too flashy. He couldn't buy a grand gift, that would scare Izaya a bit. Besides, they were, at the moment, just friends. It would be weird to get an expensive gift for a guy Shizuo had only known for a few months, barely half a year. It couldn't be anything simple though, nothing boring.

He groaned, leaning his head on the counter. Fortunately, it wasn't too busy at the moment, so he could take a minute to properly think this through. When nothing came to mind, he only sighed, thinking he would probably just visit the twins for an idea or some inspiration. Maybe their eccentricity would manifest some amazing gift in Shizuo's mind. They were Izaya's siblings, who better to ask than them?

—

He now knew why Izaya was so hesitant to knock on the twins' door. It took him a few days to convince himself to actually come here, and now here he stood with sweaty palms. They were just so strange and he wasn't sure he had the patience to deal with them. He didn't want to lash out at them, knowing that would ruin his chances with Izaya completely, unless he managed to talk his way out of it. He might be able to do that, but he wasn't going to risk it.

Deciding to push his thoughts aside for just a second, he lifted his hand and rapped it on the door. His regrets swarmed his mind but he couldn't do anything about it now. He could already hear the loud footsteps approaching the closed door. Yeah, it was definitely too late to run.

The door opened and the loud one stood by the knob, a big smile on her face. It immediately dropped as soon as she saw the blond. Instead, irritation filled her features as she crossed her arms. Shizuo realized she was probably expecting Izaya. How unfortunate, he wanted to be with Izaya too, but they couldn't always get what they wanted. _At least, not yet anyway._

"Hi—"

The door slammed on his face and he counted to ten before he counted from ten to one. They were just _little girls_ , he reminded himself, closing his eyes as he tried regaining his composure. It wouldn't do him any good to kill them. Izaya would be upset. It was a public area. His chances with Izaya would flop.

His eyes opened again, and he noticed he was clenching the take-out food. He loosened his grip. He thought that bringing something, somewhat like a peace offering, would make the girls at least listen to what he had to say. He had been kind of hoping the quiet one would answer the door, she seemed more open to reasoning.

"I have Russia Sushi," he called out, knocking on the door once more. He had to say it through gritted teeth, but at least he said it. He even went to the trouble of going all the way to Russia Sushi since he noticed that the girls seemed to fancy it. All that was for nothing, and he was so close to busting down their door.

The locks were undone as the door slowly opened, a much more reserved person standing behind it instead. He smiled down at the one with shorter hair. He really should've paid more attention to their names.

Holding out the food, he offered the gentlest smile he could muster. It was kind of easy to do; all he had to do was imagine Izaya standing in front of him, which wasn't particularly hard since the teenager in front of him kind of looked like her brother; similar features and all that.

The girl took the food and stepped to the side, silently granting Shizuo permission to enter. He did so, and upon entering the apartment, he took off his shoes. The apartment looked exactly as it did a couple of weeks ago.

The girl brought him to the living room, where the louder one was glaring at him. She turned to her sister, fuming. "Kururi, you let him in?"

Her sister said nothing as she placed the Russia Sushi on the coffee table. At least he knew the quiet one's name now. He would try his best not to forget it, but he still needed to know the loud one's name. From what he recalled, it started with an M, but he could've been wrong.

The one with braided hair scowled at him as Kururi sat down beside her. She elbowed her sister, who let out a loud whine. With the roll of her eyes, she averted her attention to Shizuo. "What're you doing here?"

"It's good to see you, too," he said, sitting on the couch beside the girls. "I actually need some advice—"

"Go to a therapist," the loud one interrupted, scowling at Shizuo. Her sister elbowed her again before she gestured for Shizuo to continue. It was weird to think they were twins, they were so different. Then again, Kururi might've been just like her sister if she hadn't caught Shizuo that night.

"As you know, Izaya's birthday is in less than a week. I want to get him something, but I'm having a hard time coming up with an idea," he explained, not bothering to look at the loud one. She wasn't going to be of any help.

Kururi nodded as the louder one rolled her eyes. Kururi turned to her sister, tugging on her sleeve. "Mairu."

So her name was Mairu; he knew it started with an M. The girl in question sighed as she turned to him, her eyes no more welcoming now that he knew her name. "He doesn't like anything but humans."

Kururi was about to elbow her sister once more before she stopped, thinking about what Mairu said. She then gave an apologetic nod. "Telescope."

"Yeah, we got him a telescope once since we thought he would appreciate observing his humans in a different way. When it comes to interest, Izaya's the worst. You literally can't buy him _anything_ because he already has what he wants, or can buy whatever he wants without even looking at the price." Mairu then hopped off the couch, extending an arm towards the door. "Glad we could be of service. Now, get out."

Realizing he wasn't going to get any more information out of the two girls, he stood up and smiled at Kururi. "Thanks."

—

As he walked home, he thought about his conversation with the two teenagers. It was true, Izaya really didn't have any other interest than watching humans. That was fine though, gifts weren't always about hobbies. The thing that really got him was the money thing. He really could've had whatever he wanted, it would be pointless to buy an expensive gift to try and impress him. Since throwing his money around seemed to be a dead end, he decided to get a gift of sentiment. After all, Izaya craved human interaction. He wanted to be loved, and Shizuo would do just that.

It seemed like a good idea, buying his heart rather than his mind, but he was at the end of the line with it. He and Izaya were only 'close' for so long, what could've been a meaningful gift?

He thought back to their conversations. Izaya had been really open since they had met, sharing things he would never share with anyone. It may have been because of Shizuo's little pushes here and there, or circumstances, but he still opened up. Despite that, he couldn't think of a way to make a gift out of his emotions.

" _You're right. I didn't have much of an interest in flowers. Shiki did though. He would take me to a garden on the most random days."_

It then hit him and he grinned. Izaya wasn't so hung up on flowers and what they mean, but Shiki was. Giving Izaya flowers would show that he listened, that he cared. It could be like the abandoned park; he can fill Izaya's mind with new memories of flowers, leaving no more room for Shiki, and soon enough, Shiki will slowly fade away from his mind.

Replacing Izaya's connection with Shiki was great, it would only bring him and Shizuo closer. He decided to get Izaya flowers, now all he had to figure out was which flowers to get. He didn't think it would be too hard.

Instead of heading back home, he walked to a flower shop, not the one Izaya took him to, he wouldn't be that much of an idiot to speak of this matter to someone so familiar with Izaya; that would surely backfire, especially if Shizuo slipped up and professed his love for Izaya.

Walking into the unfamiliar place, he glanced around. He always walked by this place when he went to work or when he was heading home, but he had never actually gone in. He never had a reason to before.

A woman smiled had him as she stepped in front of him. "Hi, welcome to—"

He growled in response to the greeting, walking away as her words trailed off. He looked around at the flowers, not exactly sure which would be suitable. They all looked nice, but nothing really seemed good enough for Izaya. Nothing in the world was ever enough for him.

The woman might've noticed his struggles because, despite his rudeness to her earlier, she came up to him as happy as ever. "Is there something you're looking for in particular?"

He was tempted to say no, to figure out Izaya's gift himself, but he knew he wouldn't be able to. He didn't know flowers at all, and he didn't want to mess this up. It would probably be a wiser decision to ask for help than him choosing the wrong thing.

"It's for someone," he began, noticing the shine in her eyes. "It's his birthday in a few days—five, to be exact."

She nodded, looking around the shop with him. "Is it a coworker? A friend?"

Shizuo smiled as he thought about his and Izaya's relationship. With a sigh, he showed her his sad smile. "Yeah, just a friend." _For now._

She must've caught onto his implications because she nodded as she headed over to a basket near the other end of the store, gesturing him to follow, which he did silently. Picking up some red flowers, she held it in her arms, cradling it like a baby.

"These are Alstroemeria. It's kind of... bold, you could say, but it has a couple of meanings. It's usually used as a symbolization for friendship, but it could also mean devotion and love." She held out the flowers which he took as gently as he could before she walked over to the counter. "I think it will really help with your situation."

He nodded, tapping his card before a thought entered his mind. "If I buy these now, won't they wilt or something?"

"Alstroemeria typically have a life span of two weeks or so, they'll be fine for the next five days."

He left the shop, hugging the flowers to his chest tightly. A warm sensation tingled in his heart, running through his blood as he made his walk home. Izaya would be so happy when he received the flowers. Shizuo could just imagine the immediate smile on his face and the genuine surprise and content in his eyes as he took the flowers.

Shizuo had to admit, at first he was a bit hesitant of buying flowers that could ruin his chances with Izaya, destroying everything they built thus far. Last time, all he did was make comments that may have seemed flirtatious, but giving flowers with the risk of the intent seeming as if he wanted to declare his love to Izaya seemed like much more of a stretch. It took him a minute but he realized that the double meaning of them was even better. It could either mean friendship or romance. This way, he could do a romantic gesture with the excuse of it being nothing more than friendly. It was perfect, if Izaya got upset at him for stepping out of line again, he could easily blame Izaya, telling him he was looking at it all wrong. Izaya would surely blush as he tried finding his words.

Shizuo walked into his home, setting the flowers carefully on the table as he walked into the kitchen in search for a vase. Filling up the vase with water at the sink, the fluttering of his heart continued. He couldn't wait for May 4th to roll around.

—

Shizuo was aimlessly walking around the park that night with no intent of running into Izaya. He just wanted to get outside, smell the fresh air. He was in a good mood, and sitting in an apartment was only going to sully it. So, with the same smile that he's had on his face for the past couple of hours, he waltzed down the streets.

Izaya was sitting on the grass, leaning against a tree as his finger tapped on his knee. His eyes then landed on Shizuo as the latter walked into the park, dropping in front of him. It seemed like when the blond didn't plan on seeing Izaya, he always found him.

"What's got Shizu-chan in such a giddy mood?" the raven asked, pulling his knees to his chest as he tilted his head. "It's weird to see such human emotions on a beast's face."

"Shut up," Shizuo grumbled with no real bite in his tone. It couldn't have sounded too threatening, not with his lips stretching up to his eyes. "How long have you been sitting here?"

Izaya shrugged. "Not long. I was waiting for you actually."

"Hm?" Shizuo's grin faltered a bit, taking a moment to register Izaya's words in his mind. Izaya was waiting for him? That only added to his mood.

Before Shizuo could say anything, Izaya said the most crushing thing he had heard in the past few months. "I'm not going to be here at all next week."

Shizuo's face immediately dropped, his eyes going concerned as he tried finding words. Izaya wasn't going to be here? Why? That meant he wouldn't be here for his birthday, and the flowers...they would just wither away alone, their purpose unfulfilled.

Shizuo opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out, nothing could come out in his shocked state. Izaya didn't seem to notice as he fixed his attention on the piece of grass his finger was twirling.

"I wasn't going to tell you, I had no reason to. It wasn't any of your business anyway, but you'd probably get real angry and you'd destroy the city, searching for me. I can just imagine it! A monster causing destruction, fitting isnt it?" Izaya laughed, finally letting go of the grass. "So, with the city's interests at heart, I—"

He looked up and he paused, eyes trying to understand Shizuo's lack of words and response. He snapped his fingers in front of Shizuo's face and the blond caught his wrist in a loose grip, still not saying anything.

He then stood up, brown eyes following his every movement. Shizuo's grasp on his wrist loosened until Izaya slipped it out of his hold. "Well, I better get going now. Have fun with...whatever it is Shizu-chan does in his free time."

Shizuo could only watch as his figure retreated, his clenched fist hitting the ground in frustration. Of course, Izaya was going to be leaving. The world just had to make it difficult, didn't it?

Well, Shizuo wasn't going to let it ruin Izaya's birthday.

—

Two days later, Shizuo decided to bring the flowers with him to work. He put them in the back, threatening all the workers to steer clear and away from it. They all nodded eagerly and Shizuo was satisfied.

He asked his boss for a later shift, closing so he could be one of the last few people to leave. The last one, to be specific. He couldn't have anyone hanging around, not when he planned to call Izaya over.

There were only two other people at the moment and the time was ticking, nearing their closing time. He handed the coffee to the last customer of the day, waving his coworkers off and telling them he didn't mind in closing the place. Hesitantly, they left.

Shizuo untied his apron, throwing it somewhere on the floor as he gently picked up the flowers. The lady was right; they looked just as new as they did a few days ago.

Walking to the dining area where the customers would sit, he placed the flowers on the table near the fireplace. It was romantic, but hopefully, Izaya wouldn't see it as such, but he would. It was a weird wish; he wanted Izaya to see the romance behind everything, but he didn't want him to think too much of it. Not yet.

The fire flickered and Shizuo lifted a hand, hovering it over the fire as he felt the warm flames tickle his palm. It was so fierce, just like a certain crimson-eyed guy he knew.

Speaking of Izaya, he took out his phone to text him. A couple days ago, he decided that if he couldn't meet Izaya on his birthday, maybe he could meet him a few days before. After all, it was all in the gesture. Doing it on the actual date didn't mean much.

He texted Izaya to come over to the coffee shop, telling him he wanted to say goodbye before he left to who-knows-where. He, of course, knew where Izaya was going; he was going to Russia, probably to just get away. He wasn't too sure why or if there was even a reason, but it didn't seem too important, so he pushed his wondering out of his mind.

Eagerly, he waited for a response, his hand clutching tightly at the phone. His leg shook uncontrollably. He was excited, he had been waiting for this day for so long. Thinking of how happy Izaya would be didn't help him calm down, only further made him impatient.

He felt a buzz in his hand and he looked down at his phone, seeing that it was Izaya. Quickly unlocking his phone, he read the text.

_My flight was this morning, I'm not in Ikeburuko anymore. Don't worry, Shizu-chan! I shall return soon and—_

Shizuo stopped reading as he crushed the phone in his hands. With the most threatening scowl he's ever had on his face, he picked up the flowers in the roughest grip, mustering the most of his strength as he held them. He shoved them towards the fireplace, watching them slowly die. He was breathing heavy, glaring at the withering petals. He watched them become nothing more than mere ashes.

He thought Izaya and him were on good terms, good enough for him to tell Shizuo when he left. Clearly, he overestimated himself again. Another mistake was made.

Grabbing the bottle of water on the table, he poured the fire out. _Why do you keep doing this to me, love?_


	19. You Couldn't Have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***in some previous chapters, i've mentioned that kadota is shizuo's friend, but i decided to change that.. so if you go back to like chapter five or something, you'll see his name replaced by togusa's. i changed it for plot reasons (you'll understand as you read)

_Shizuo sat on the floor, his fists clenched as he fiercely glared at the others' feet. He refused to look up, that was what he told himself anyway. Really, he couldn't look up to their condescending eyes. It was ridiculous, but he was feeling furious. Yet, he did nothing. There wasn't anything he could do._

_His older cousins towered around him, snickering as one took pictures. He never liked his cousins; they were all so weird and made him do things he was never comfortable with. It was unfortunate, but he could never get rid of them. They actually stayed over often, and, unluckily for him, they were staying for the next two nights, too. This night was the first night of their stay and he was already going crazy. He didn't know if he could handle another two._

_"How does it feel, princess?"_

_They did this often. They would rummage through their sister's clothes and find a few dresses. They would force him into it and at one point, he just stopped resisting. It wouldn't do much except make things worse. Eventually, he just accepted it. It still always infuriated him though. He was just glad they didn't put any make-up all over his face this time._

_It was humiliating. Degrading. They always shoved Shizuo to the floor, made him kneel before them as they stood over him, smirking down at his crouched figure. He wasn't sure if they had issues or some kind of superiority complex, but he didn't really care. He just wanted it to be over._

_He tried to tell his mother once. His mother told him he was being silly, that they probably meant no harm. They were just playing. He tried again a few days later but his mother would only sigh and tell him that they were his cousins, they wouldn't do anything like that. She ended up talking to his cousins' parents, which didn't end good for Shizuo. That had been the worst night yet._

_Currently, all the parents were downstairs, huddling over his newborn baby brother. Shizuo loved him and he could only hope that his cousins would leave his new family member alone. At the moment, they didn't seem interested in anything else but him, so he deemed himself lucky enough for that._

_"Look at you, doll."_

_The names weren't as bad as they used to be, or their effect, anyway. Words meant nothing to him anymore. It wasn't what brought him down now, it only was a mere annoyance. One he just wanted to end._

_He just hated the situation. He had no control over anything, he was powerless against these older people. They stripped him of his ability to do anything and controlled him in whatever way they saw fit. Shizuo just wanted one moment to be able to kick their arses._

_His brown eyes fell onto his bed, where a girl sat. She laughed with the older boys, clutching her stomach as she snickered with patronizing eyes. Shizuo clenched his fists at the sight of her. Out of all of them, he hated her the most. She had always acted so sweet around him and defended him as if she were on his side. She always helped him wash off any make-up and would always make him feel better afterwards. It was all a lie. She was just playing him, building him up to break him down._

_Shizuo forced himself to look away, averting his attention back to the floor, to their shoes, just like they wanted him to. He never asked for this. He never asked to have such horrible people around him._

_All he wanted was to be truly loved._

_—_

Shizuo found that it was hell to wait for Izaya. It had been only two days since he left and Shizuo felt like he was fuming over the smallest things every five seconds. With his anger came his growls and display of super strength. He never meant to shove people's coffee onto the table so hard it broke. He tried telling them that they didn't serve drinks to their tables, but they didn't listen. It was technically their fault.

Luckily for him, the crowd had worn off. There were much fewer people, yet their business had been doing a lot better. It seemed like instead of showing up all at once, they decided to spread it all out. Shizuo wasn't complaining, he preferred it this way. It made him less angry. He didn't know why Izaya liked these humans so much; they were annoying.

The bell chimed and Shizuo looked up from his cup sorting. There wasn't much to sort, more like rearranging, but he didn't have anything better to do. The cups in his hands froze as he stared at the brunet as he waltzed up to the counter, a smile on his face with the mischief behind his glasses. He had to stop being so surprised whenever Shinra showed up.

"Hi, Shizuo!" he greeted with a cheer as he waved. Shizuo grunted in response but he felt something was off. Shinra didn't seem to notice Shizuo's demeanour, instead looking at the menu with great interest. He hummed as he read the choices, his eyes scanning the words carefully. "I know your dirty little secret by the way!"

Shizuo froze, suddenly feeling himself go numb at his words. He could've meant anything, he couldn't possibly know what he had done to get Izaya's affection, right? No one knew, he was careful— and there was no way someone like Shinra had managed to figure him out. He was crazy.

"I refuse to drink anything to do with coffee," Shinra continued, as if he hadn't just threatened Shizuo with a mere sentence. He looked up at Shizuo, his smile unfaltering. "You're insane!"

"Insane?" Shizuo repeated, hoping he could still maybe play the innocent face. His guts told him nothing would work anymore, he was found out.

"I don't know exactly what you've done, I'm not some stalker like you!" Shizuo narrowed his eyes at that. He _wasn't_ a stalker. "But I can see it whenever you speak to Izaya or whenever you even think about him. You're _crazy—_ so crazy, it's uncanny!"

"Can I help you?" Shizuo growled out, his fist wanting to grab the other man's collar. He wanted to grab his brown locks and bash his brains onto the counter. He couldn't have been caught, especially not by Shinra.

"I'll have green tea, please," he finally ordered. "Honestly, I'm surprised Izaya hasn't noticed anything being off yet. Usually, he would find out and play along, but it seems like you've genuinely got him wrapped around your finger. The fact that you have just proves how messed up your head is!"

Shizuo ignored his words as he turned around, facing the tea equipment. He began to work on the order while continuing to glance back at Shinra, keeping an eye on him. The latter seemed uncaring, looking around the café as if it were his first time seeing it. Shizuo scoffed at the lunatic, his hand reaching towards his breast pocket beneath his apron, pulling out a small bottle. It was barely bigger than half his finger. One could never be too careful of anyone.

While Shinra was still turned away, the blond kept his back square to the other, making sure to cover Shinra's view on what he was doing. There was no way he would let everything fall apart because of some crazed man. He had done his research on Shinra and he would rather scream that he was a supposed stalker than let Shinra ruin his efforts for everything he had worked up for.

With the final thought of Shinra destroying everything as a push, he poured the white powder into the tea. He stirred it, watching the white become nothing. He smirked. He really should've gotten rid of Shinra much sooner, he was an idiot for not doing so earlier. Izaya would be fine without him. After all, Izaya did get over Shiki's death. He was strong enough to find his way through the brainwashing; he would be okay without Shinra. _Besides, you don't need anyone else but me anyways._

Once Shizuo secured the lid on, he turned around and shoved the tea towards the other. Shinra accepted it but made no move to leave. Shizuo didn't expect him to. He had simply put a large amount of prescribed drugs into his tea, nothing that could possibly lead back to Shizuo. Like he said, he had done his research and he knew Shinra was studying medicine to become a doctor. It would all just lead back as some kind of overdose, nothing worth actually looking in to. Izaya would probably try investigating a bit more, but once he made Izaya believe how unhealthy it was for his mental health to be obsessed with Shinra's death, he would comfort Izaya until he forgot all about it. It would be perfect.

Shinra just swirled the tea in his cup, trying to find some words to say. Shizuo wondered if he should just straight up tell Shinra to leave. It wasn't like he was actually doing something other than loitering around.

"I'm not going to tell him," Shinra finally spoke up. Shizuo tried not giving much of a reaction but he was sure Shinra saw the confusion and all that suddenly entered his eyes. "In a way, I guess I understand. I would do anything for my love! She's so perfect, I would burn down the city!"

"Huh?" Shizuo couldn't help but let out. No matter from what angle he looked at his situation from, nothing made sense. For months, Shinra seemed so against him. He was so suspicious of Shizuo, he kept him away from Izaya. Now, suddenly, he just walked in here and exposed him and told him he wasn't going to do anything about it?

Shinra stopped his rambling, regaining his focus on the task at hand. "You may be crazy, but I get that you'll do anything for Izaya. He needs someone like that in his life, you know? I've seen you, you wouldn't die so easily and I know you wouldn't just up and leave him. You might actually be good for him."

"But you—"

"Just make sure he's happy," Shinra interrupted. "I'm sure you can protect him. Don't let him get hurt or I'll be sure to call my father! It would so great if we could open you up and see where your—"

"All right, I got it," Shizuo gruffed out, trying to suppress the smile threatening to show on his face. Shizuo had finally gotten someone on his side, someone to actually help him.

Shinra grinned, bringing the cup of tea up to his mouth. It took Shizuo a second to realize what was about to happen. Before he could think of something logical to do, he smacked the cup out of Shinra's hand, watching the tea spill all over the floor. Shinra had an unsurprised look on his face, staring down at the liquid escaping his cup.

"Oh," Shinra softly said, looking back up at Shizuo with a knowing look. Shizuo had a feeling he wouldn't have to lie himself out of this one. "Well, it's a good thing I didn't drink that tea!"

"Uh, let me make you another one," Shizuo said bashfully, keeping his eyes away from Shinra's. He wouldn't tell Izaya about this, would he? He did say he understood, so he couldn't rat him out like this.

"Oh, no need!" he reassured, finally spinning on his heels to leave. "I'll come by for another one some other time. See you!"

Looking around for his coworker to make sure he didn't see anything, Shizuo gave a sigh of relief as he grabbed the mop and cleaned the spill. It seemed like until Izaya and he were finally together, he wouldn't be getting rid of Shinra. He could actually help him. He did say he thought Shizuo was good for Izaya, and he was. Shinra would, no doubt, try to keep Shizuo around.

Shizuo smiled at that. It seemed like he really wasn't alone.

—

Shizuo stepped out into the early May's air, feeling a light wind hit his face. He was glad to be done with work for the day, it was stressful and frustrating knowing Izaya had just left. Unfortunately, he had a lot of time to think during his shifts, which was why he always got so angry. Izaya couldn't have possibly left because of him. _You couldn't have._

Shizuo fiddled with the box in his pockets before taking it out with an aggravated sigh. In less than a second, a lit cigarette was held between his lips. Although he hadn't touched one in so long because he never felt as if he had to, the movements were too familiar to him for him to forget. It seemed like habits die hard.

Staring straight ahead, his eyes landed on a familiar face. He hadn't seen him very often, but he was one of Izaya's friends—one with a nickname, so he was probably a little bit special at least. He was walking this way, avoiding people as he walked between them. Shizuo wondered if he should try his luck with him. It would be nice to get someone else on his side. Why not? Shizuo thought, creating a plan in his head already. Everyone was already so opposed to him, what was another guy going to do?

Shizuo bumped into Kadota, the latter stopping altogether rather than just apologizing and moving on. It was what Shizuo was counting on.

"Oh, sorry, man," he apologized.

"No worries," Shizuo reassured, hoping to finally have someone not against him. "It's all cool. It happens."

"Yeah," Kadota agreed, his eyes falling onto his wrist to check the time. He wasn't sure why Kadota stopped, maybe he felt lonely and was looking for some company. Shizuo wasn't too sure, but whatever the reason, it was all going according to plan. "The streets are crazy busy, eh?"

"Tell me about it." Shizuo shrugged, taking the cigarette out of his mouth as courtesy. He decided to just end its life, crushing it beneath his feet. It really was so easy to remove someone's life. "I'm glad I don't work night shifts."

The other man laughed, holding his hand out to the blond. "I'm Kadota."

Shizuo met his hand, giving it a quick shake with a smile. "Shizuo."

He could've easily introduced himself as Izaya's friend, it would've been so simple to slip in. He purposefully didn't, it would only make Kadota suspicious. Although he didn't know much about the man, he observed him well enough to know how good of a friend he was. His instincts were something to be reckoned with. Telling him about their mutual friend was going to come later in their friendship, assuming it went well.

"Well, Shizuo, you seem like a cool dude. How about we grab a drink sometime?" Kadota suggested, and at Shizuo's nod, he pulled out his phone to exchange numbers. Shizuo added Kadota's to his phone, making a mental note to change the contact's name later lest Izaya saw.

"See you around, Shizuo."

He bid the man farewell and continued on with his walk home. He had a good feeling about Kadota; they had gotten onto a good start. Shizuo thought about his relationships with the rest of Izaya's close circle. The twins weren't exactly a threat; in fact, Kururi actually seemed like she trusted him, so she was with him. Mairu would take a bit more work, but he was sure he could do it in the end. He thought about the events at the café from earlier today with Shinra; he was a threat, and then he wasn't. Shizuo almost stopped walking at that. Was really no one against his and Izaya's relationship? He wanted to believe it, but nothing had ever seemed so smooth before.

Thinking of his successes, he unlocked his door, stepping into the apartment as he threw the keys onto a nearby table. He glanced at the kitchen, knowing he should eat, but he decided that could come later. Izaya first, food second. Izaya would always be first, no doubt.

He sat on his bed, pulling out his phone once he got comfortable. He opened up Instagram and stared at Izaya's private page. He was going to fix this and he was going to fix it now.

Placing his laptop on his lap, he logged into the chatroom he had gone on months ago when he was first researching on Shiki. Shizuo always knew the guy would come in handy again.

' _Tell me Shinra Kishitani's Instagram password.'_

He waited for a reply. He had a feeling the man on the other end was there and was leaving him to wait on purpose. Shizuo rolled his eyes, refusing to give in to the temptation of his impatience and messaging the man again.

Finally, a reply was shown. _'I will, but only for a price.'_

_'Was that not obvious enough?'_

The man gave him a price and he told him it would be wired to his account. Now that he had Shinra's password, all he had to do was log in. He decided to log in through his phone. He wouldn't be messing with anything, just taking a look into Izaya's pictures, so there would be no reason for Shinra to think he was hacked. Besides, Shinra wasn't smart enough to find a way to see the login history.

He found Izaya's account and smiled at the pictures that presented themselves to him. He clicked on the most recent one. It was of Izaya and Shinra; looking at the date, he realized it was for Shinra's birthday. Another one was of the sky and a silhouette, one Shizuo deduced to be Izaya. The next was of some buildings. As Shizuo scrolled through, he realized that they weren't really Izaya, but more of an image. Izaya portrayed himself in a different way online, almost like he was someone else. He created this person, a perfect person.

Logging out of the account, he tossed his phone and groaned as he lied back in his bed. He put his arm over his eyes, blocking out the light that was beginning to irritate him. Of course, Izaya was too cautious to put his real life online. He had a feeling that may have been the case, but he wasn't too sure. He had to confirm that nobody was seeing the real Izaya, his Izaya. At least he got that out of the way.

Pushing those thoughts aside, he decided to get work done while Izaya was away. Any _clean ups_ he had to do and the such.

Izaya probably didn't have a dorm room anymore, since his school year ended. He was staying somewhere else, a place Shizuo didn't know. The first thing he would do tomorrow morning was find Izaya's new place of stay; it was the most important, after all. How was he supposed to keep an eye on him when he didn't even know where he was?

He then thought about the people Izaya knew. He had already analyzed each person's threat level, but he felt as if he were being too optimistic. There couldn't have been only one person trying to get in between his and Izaya's way; there had to be someone other than Shiki.

Shinra was a threat, then he wasn't. He was in the clear for now. The twins couldn't do anything, so they were fine for now. Shiki wasn't here anymore.

Speaking of Shiki, Shizuo's mind wandered to the Yakuza. They seemed to be leaving them alone for now, so he didn't see much of a reason to stop them. Besides, if he were to kill one of them, they would all come after him.

Sighing, he sat up, propping his elbow on the window sill as he stared out. The stars were obscured, unlike when they were in the park. Suddenly, he greatly missed Izaya. He went from seeing his love from over three times a day to suddenly not at all. Granted, they didn't see each other for a month because of Shizuo's mistake, but he was aware of that. This time, Izaya just suddenly up and left for no reason.

His thoughts stopped for a moment as he thought back to the Yakuza. If he were to kill one of them, they would all come after him. He still stood by that, he knew it was true, which was why he was confused now. One of their executives died. Surely, they hadn't just left it at that. Shizuo was sure they dug deeper, they had to have; there was no way they would stop until they found the true killer. They either found a potential suspect and dealt with him, or they were still looking for the one who had done it.

His eyes drifted around the interior of his apartment, looking for anything that seemed suspicious or out of place. There was a chance he was being watched.

Quickly, he shut his curtains with an annoyed groan. It was better to get his anger out through clenched fists than to punch the wall and alert his landlord. He didn't need any attention on himself.

What if the Yakuza knew it was him and were just waiting to confront him about it? He glanced around his room before rushing to the light switch, the room becoming dark with no illumination. It was also possible that they had cameras placed in his room, watching everything while he remained oblivious.

With gritted teeth, he rushed back to his bed, placing the covers over him as if to hide himself from something that he wasn't even sure was there. He thought about how this would affect his relationship with Izaya and realized he was going to have to quicken his pace with his plan. That might risk everything, he was aware of that. Izaya wasn't ready yet, but he didn't have time to linger around and coax Izaya.

He decided to rush his plans anyway. After all, it had been months since Shiki's death _and_ Izaya has already let him go by saying goodbye. Izaya may not have been over it, but he was probably comfortable enough to move on. He had to be— should be, anyway.

Clenching the sheets as hard as he could, he glared at the wall, pretending he was staring at Sozoro, who was the face of the Yakuza in his mind. He was the only person he really knew that was part of the Yakuza.

He would be sure to keep an extra eye on them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for this chapter being a lil boring.. the next one is too :/ oops


	20. I Can't Wait

  
The night before, he had trouble sleeping. Since he needed to tire his eyes out, he decided to find Izaya's new address. He texted Tsukumoya again and was given what he wanted. Satisfied, he was able to sleep a lot more easily.

Locking up his door, he made his way down the stairs. He called his workplace, asking if he could start his shift late today. Tom had, luckily, picked up, telling him he could have the entire day off. Shizuo refused though, he needed a distraction from Izaya's absence. At least if he were at work, he could pretend he was going to see Izaya, pretend Izaya was going to show up with his sharp smile.

He found it too risky to put Izaya's address in his phone, but, with an exasperated sigh, he gave in to the thought. He didn't know how else to get there, unfortunately, and asking someone was even worse. He didn't want other people knowing Izaya's address.

He had a blue baseball cap on his head, covered by his hood. He didn't want to seem too suspicious, but he couldn't risk the Yakuza seeing him. He felt as if they might have been watching Izaya's house, but he guessed that they took a break when Izaya left. After all, there wasn't much of a point to watch an empty place. Shizuo smiled, pulling his hood a bit lower to cover a bit of his face.

Nobody looked at him strangely. He was glad people were minding their own business. He usually stood out because of his blond hair, but since it was hidden from the rest of the world, nobody paid him any mind. He thought played with the idea of dying his hair back to its natural colour so he could blend in with the crowd, but then he chose against it. Once he and Izaya were together, there would be no need to hide his features from anyone.

Arriving at the address, he stared up at the apartment building. It was fancier than his, looked more expensive, too. He was briefly amused that Izaya hadn't bought a house, but he guessed it did make sense; he would probably buy a permanent place to stay after he graduated.

Down the street, just a few blocks away, was also the twins' apartment. Izaya probably chose it accordingly; he was close enough to be there for the twins whenever they needed him, but not close enough for them to pester him.

He reached the top floor of the building, holding the elevator door open for a woman who smiled at him in gratitude. Glancing at his phone, he read the numbers of Izaya's apartment. It took him a minute, a bit longer than he would have liked to admit, but he did find it.

It was hard to pick the lock. He had done this many times in his life before, it wasn't anything new. Even though the security was a bit better here at Izaya's apartment, it wasn't enough to keep him from Izaya. Nothing would ever be enough to keep them apart.

As soon as he took his first step in, he smiled, eyes wandering the interior as he slowly shut the door behind him. It was Izaya's place, that much was obvious as he gave a light sniff around. Izaya may not have been here for days, but his smell still lingered around the rooms. It was perfect. _I can't wait for our place to be like this._

The decor screamed Izaya. It was so blank, so lifeless— Shizuo felt giddy at the thought. The apartment perfectly omitted everything about Izaya and the empty walls gave away nothing to whoever found their way into the apartment. Shizuo grew angry at the thought of someone else being here, but he pushed the irrational thought aside; Izaya would learn one day.

His hand skimmed the lifeless walls, grazing over the dark paint. Their house would be so full of life. The walls would be covered in pictures of the two of them, the kitchen would be filled with both of their dirty dishes, the windows would bring in the sun's light. It would have the both of them and only them. It would be the perfect house and no one but them would get to see it. He couldn't wait for the day, one he hoped wasn't too far away.

He moved on from the entrance area, finding his way into the living room. Immediately, his eyes landed on the various books lying around. There were some on the coffee table near the sofa, one on the kitchen's counters, even one on the floor by the window. He chuckled at the thought; he could just imagine Izaya lying on the ground, basking in the heat of the sun as he read his book.

Next, he found the bedroom, where there were even more books. There was a shelf filled with them, books of fiction and history and many other genres. There was one on Izaya's bed, opened as if he were reading it moments before. Knowing Izaya, he probably fell asleep to the words he read.

Paying a bit more attention to the cover of the book, he realized it was the French collection of poems, the same one he had seen Izaya read months ago. He hadn't even approached Izaya, it was way before he ever had a conversation with him. The memory of Izaya sitting at the café's table, coffee in hand, as he read the book filled his mind.

_"Et s'il n'en reste qu'un, je serai celui-là!"_

That line still stuck to him, even months later. For a long time, Shizuo believed it to be true. He had thought he was alone in this, had little support from the people around him; Shinra was separating them, the twins were hostile— he really only had his brother. Looking back at it, he silently laughed. Now, he had everyone standing with him— more people were with him than there were against him all those months back.

Smiling, he caressed the cover of the book, his fingers gently tracing the letters of the title. He wondered why Izaya was reading it again; there had to be a reason. Izaya wouldn't spend so much time on one book if it were meaningless. What was Izaya looking for in the book? Shizuo decided it couldn't have been too significant. If it were important, Shizuo would find out. Right now, he would just think of it as mindless reading for the fun of it.

He glanced around the bathroom after flickering on the lights. He could smell Izaya's hair, but that was probably only the shampoo and conditioner. He walked into the bathroom and his eyes landed on Izaya's cleaning products. Reading the name, he rolled his eyes playfully; it seemed like an over-expensive brand. Shampoo did not need to look that nice. Shizuo supposed Izaya did deserve the best, so if shampoo that cost more than his apartment's rent made Izaya feel like more himself, he wasn't going to say anything against it.

He went back into Izaya's room, taking in the dark walls. It seemed so like Izaya. _Don't worry, you don't have to be lonely anymore._

In a corner, he found some shoes. He recognized them as the shoes Izaya would wear whenever he went on a run. His eyes didn't linger on the shoes for too long, falling onto the black socks in them instead. He would have to remind Izaya that that was a bad thing to do; his shoes would begin to smell like that.

He crouched down, picking up one of the socks. They couldn't have been clean, Izaya wouldn't keep them here if they were. They had to be dirty, they had to be drenched in Izaya's sweat. Shizuo knew other people would find him gross. He knew they would stare at him in disgust if they ever saw him staring contently at socks, let alone dirty ones. They weren't in love with Izaya Orihara though. They wouldn't understand.

He grabbed both socks and put them into his pocket. They had Izaya's natural scent on them, so of course he was going to keep them. It had Izaya's touch all over it. The thought made his hands tremble as he stood up. It was so exhilarating to have something that smelt so much like Izaya—that basically had his name all over it. It was like having Izaya with him, more than just an article of clothing. He could feel Izaya as his fingers grazed the threads of the cloth.

He walked out of the room, glancing around Izaya's place one last time. He didn't want to leave because it felt like he was leaving Izaya, but he knew that he probably should. If the Yakuza really were wandering around, keeping an eye on him, it was probably best not to stay in one place for too long, not anywhere near Izaya's things without Izaya there anyway. Nobody would really understand if he tried explaining what he was doing. No one needed to, anyway.

Telling himself that Izaya wasn't even here, that he was still days away from seeing him, he left the apartment. His heart tugged at the thought of having to wait a few more days before talking to Izaya again. _I really miss you._

_—_

Before he knew it, it was time for his shift. He had gone home, placed the socks next to the red toothbrush and pictures before he put the box back in its place, the tile of the ceiling obscuring all of what he had of Izaya.

He thought the day would've felt shorter. After all, hours had been taken off of his usually shift, but it only felt more dragged out. The more he went without Izaya without, the less he felt he was living. It made sense; he couldn't live without Izaya.

He had been giving a customer their coffee, some teenage kid who tried paying with a fake card when the air felt strange around him. It fled his mind thought as he, instead, glared at the kid. Upon seeing the blond punch the counter with an agonizing crack, he threw some bills of ten at Shizuo before scurrying away with his coffee. The coffee had fallen out of his hands as soon as he had gotten out of the café. Shizuo watched as the brown liquid spilt out of the cup.

His vision was obscured by sleek, black shoes. His eyes slowly travelled up before landing on a familiar face— as familiar as a face like hers could possibly get. Granted, he couldn't really see her face since she chose to cover it up with her helmet, but he still recognized her, nonetheless.

"Celty," he greeted with a warm smile. Not many people got to see Shizuo smile so genuinely; as of late, it was really only Izaya, but there were a few exceptions, like his longtime friend, for example. "Welcome back."

They had been best friends for as long as he could remember. They were probably teenagers when they first met, but he wasn't too sure. Since the very first day, Celty had never been around too much. She travelled the world a lot as if she were searching for something. For what, Shizuo wasn't sure, and he never asked.

Despite being close, they didn't get to spend much time together or text a lot since they were both so busy with their own lives. Still, whenever they did meet, it was always nice to be able to speak to her. She never made him feel alone like everyone else did.

She wrote something on her phone before holding it up. _"Thank you. I'm in town for a day or two."_

Shizuo had never heard her voice. He didn't know why; _he never asked._ Since they first met, she always used something other than her tongue to communicate; her form of communication used to be a pen and paper, before moving on to a PDA, and then a phone.

A glance at the café told Shizuo he could talk to her for a bit. He fixed his smile as he read her words. "Is there a reason or are you just taking a break?"

She shrugged and Shizuo's eyes caught the shine on one of her fingers. _"You know how it is."_

"You didn't tell me you were engaged," he commented, feeling a bit hurt. He knew they didn't talk, but they were still long-time friends. He didn't even know she was seeing someone.

She seemed to jolt, holding up her left hand as she admired the ring finger. Shizuo couldn't see her face behind the helmet, but with the tilt of her head, he could tell she was smiling and gazing at the ring lovingly.

_"I met him a few years ago. A long time ago, actually. He recently proposed."_

He nodded, feeling happy for her. He was, but he still felt a bit empty inside. It wasn't even about her anymore. He just wished Izaya and him were at that stage. He could imagine it—holding Izaya's hand, staring into the loving crimson eyes, hearing the two wonderful words of _'I do'_ come out of his mouth.

He clenched his fist as he tried shoving the daydream away. Thoughts like that were what got him into messes. That kind of thinking never brought anything but mistakes upon Shizuo.

"That's good," he found himself saying. It sounded a bit forced, but before she could call him out on it, he continued speaking. "I actually found someone, too."

He realized he had been hypocritical. She never told him about her fiancé, he hadn't told her about Izaya.

She gushed, excitedly typing on her phone before shoving it into his face. _"Really? That's wonderful, Shizuo! You deserve happiness."_

"Thanks," he mumbled, taking a step back as she eagerly jumped. He felt a bit bad for giving her such an underwhelming response to her news. All he had said was _he found someone_ , whereas she had told him she was _engaged_. He didn't dwell on the guilt too much.

_"If you ever need any advice, you know I'm here for you,"_ she typed, calming down from her initial excitement.

He nodded. "I know. I think I'll be fine. I love him, and I know he feels something like that, too."

" _Love always finds a way."_ He felt warm at those words. It was a confirmation that he and Izaya would be together. Of course, he knew they would end up happy and in love, but to see someone else telling him that made him even more gushy. He really wanted to see Izaya.

_"Well, I have to leave, unfortunately. I promise to keep in touch!"_

He waved as she left. She didn't say anything about her wedding. He never asked.

—

He made his way home from work, replaying his encounter with Celty in his mind. Their conversation left him a bit hollow, and he wasn't too sure why. Maybe it was because his relationship with Celty never progressed; they were friends but they weren't. It was confusing.

Kicking a rock, he groaned. There was something off about earlier today, but he wasn't too sure what exactly was weird. He never asked about her life and she never told him. It was always like that. This time, he felt as he should have figured something out. There was something he was supposed to have gotten from their conversation.

His phone buzzed and he perked up at that. He couldn't go chase down Celty and demand to know everything about her life, so it was pointless to ponder about it. A distraction was what he needed, and, as he pulled out his, he knew it was what he was going to get.

It was a text from Kadota, asking if he wanted to get drinks later tonight. Shizuo replied with a _yes_ before letting Kadota know he would meet up with him in an hour. That was enough time for Shizuo to go home and shower off the bad feeling he felt.

A couple hours later and he found himself sitting a bar, Kadota by his side. Shizuo wasn't worried about drinking too much and spilling his love for Izaya. He would be fine, he knew he would be since he had a high alcohol tolerance. He just had to get Kadota to the incoherent stage, or something akin to it. Just drunk enough for anything that would normally seem suspicious to appear natural.

They had done a few shots. Kadota had challenged Shizuo, who had eagerly accepted. It was a bet: whoever downed three shots first won twenty bucks. Shizuo had done it in less than a second and Kadota only stared at him as he didn't even bother trying. Shizuo could see the impressed look in his eyes as he handed the twenty note over to the blond.

They talked about trivial things before things began to heat up. Shizuo noticed Kadota getting tipsier as he drank the whisky, hiding his grin behind his own glass.

They were in the middle of talking when Shizuo had brought on the topic of love interests. Kadota had said he was single and not looking. Acting a bit drunk, Shizuo let the words spill out of his mouth as if he had no control over what he was saying. He nearly scoffed at the idea of letting himself become incoherent.

"I kinda like this guy," he started, staring off into nothing. He felt Kadota's eyes on him, leaning in to show he was listening and ready to help. He was so naive. "But he's a bit difficult, you know? Like, there's something, but then there's all these issues and—Izaya is just so frustrating."

He noticed Kadota straighten a bit. Shizuo hid a smirk as he drank his own drink. Kadota fumbled for some words before uttering something coherent. "Izaya? Like Orihara?"

The blond nodded, feigning some shock as he did so. "You know him?"

Kadota laughed, swirling the drink in his hand. Shizuo could see that he wanted to drink some more, but he refrained himself from doing so. How responsible of him.

"Yeah, I know him," he eventually let out. "Your frustration is understandable. I can help you out— him and I don't really talk all that much, but we-we're actually good friends. We've been— uh, known each other for a while. I'll talk to him or something next time I see him around, if you want."

Shizuo felt a grin sneak past his lips. He played it off as a smile as he looked at Kadota. "Thanks, man. By the way, you wouldn't happen to know where he is right now, would you?"

It was a wild shot, Shizuo knew that, but something was better than nothing. There was no harm in trying.

As expected, Kadota shook his head. "Yeah, no, sorry, bud. He tends to randomly leave every now and then. I—Like I said, I don't talk to him a lot. I'm sure you know how he is."

They parted then. Shizuo had flopped onto his bed, gazing up at his ceiling as he wondered when Izaya was going to come back home—come back to him.

_Just a few more days._ He shut his eyes, letting his thoughts bring him to sleep. _Just a few more days before you can see Izaya again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> baby when you finally get to love somebody, guess what....its gonna be may  
> (did i wait to post this chapter just so i could make this joke? yes, yes i did and im truly sorry)
> 
> dont worry the next chapter is exciting


	21. Nobody Else Matters

  
Izaya walked into the coffee shop one morning.

Shizuo had been leaning on the counter, staring out the windows near the sitting area when the bell chimed. Excited to have finally gotten a customer, he straightened up, put on a smile, and began to welcome the customer. His words, though, were caught in his throat as Izaya walked in as if he hadn't disappeared for a week and a half.

"You might want to close your mouth, Shizu-chan," he teased, giving Shizuo a quick wink. The blond could do nothing but stare in awe, wondering where he had gone. "You look more like a beast when you stand around with your mouth like that."

"You're back," he forced out, ignoring the insults Izaya kept sending his way. "Where were you?"

Izaya shrugged, waving a hand in the air to dismiss his absence. "I've been to all sorts of places, you know. The list is endless!"

Shizuo caught his smirk and growled. He was more than happy Izaya had finally returned, but he had an image to keep up. " _Izaya."_

Noticing the anger seeping into his voice, Izaya's playfulness slightly fell from his face. His smile was still just as bright as before though. "It doesn't matter where I went. It wasn't a particular location, you know? I looked at the cheapest tickets I could find and flew myself away."

_Liar._

"You left for a week and," _didn't say anything_ , he wanted to scream. The problem was that Izaya did say something, he told him he was leaving. "Why?"

"I had to leave to clear my head for a bit," he finally admitted. Shizuo could tell the other was forcing his eyes to remain on Shizuo's. Izaya probably told himself that he would lose his control of the situation, the control he only thought he had, if he were to be the first to break eye contact.

_But right before your birthday?_

There was something significant about Izaya's leave. More so now that Izaya refused to talk about it. It seemed like he had done this often—Kadota said so, too. Izaya tended to leave, he said.

"And my head's a lot less fogged about now," he continued in a tinier voice. He probably didn't mean for his voice to come out so small, but Shizuo found it cute. Regardless, he would show Izaya there was no need to worry, there was no need to feel shy about anything.

Before he said anything, Shizuo paused for a moment, his mind reeling back to Izaya's words. His head was a little less fogged up? He left to clear his mind? Shizuo wondered what that could've meant. There were so many things Izaya could've cleared his head of, but what was so important that he just up and left?

Shizuo decided to make Izaya's coffee instead of saying anything. Izaya seemed to relax, a lot more than he was a week ago. His revelation must've been big. It had to be something that was weighing on his shoulders for weeks. It had to be important, so why couldn't Shizuo figure out what it was?

"I didn't order coffee, Shizu-chan," Izaya's voice piped up, dragging him out of his thoughts. "I assumed you would've been able to comprehend—"

He held the coffee out anyway, a gentle smile on his face. Izaya's words stopped, staring at Shizuo's outstretched hand. He took the cup and wrapped his fingers around it protectively as if Shizuo would take it away in an instant. Shizuo nearly laughed at that; Izaya really was like a child.

"I'm not paying for it," Izaya sneered, challenging Shizuo with the lilt of his voice. "I technically didn't order anything, so you can't make me."

"I know." Shizuo gave a wink, a response to Izaya's earlier teasing. "I wanted to pay for it."

He suddenly realized what he said. He wished he could take them back. Why was he such an idiot? How could he always forget his mistakes? The look on Izaya's face when Shizuo had flirted with him a couple of months back still haunted him to this day, yet here he was, doing it all over again.

He took a chance and glanced at Izaya nervously. He was left in shock when there was no uncomfortable squirming or look in Izaya's eyes. Instead, there was a soft smile on his lips. He didn't say anything as he walked out.

—

Shizuo was beyond confused. Seven days apparently did a lot to a person, and he wondered what exactly Izaya did to have done a complete one-eighty. Something was different, not strange or weird, but different. Shizuo could admit that he liked their new way of speaking. It left him warm inside.

He sat on the roof, looking through the binoculars as he caught Izaya's figure. The blond had climbed the roof of the apartment opposite to Izaya's and had been watching his love for about an hour now. It was dark outside, a couple hours until midnight, so he didn't have to worry about anyone seeing him. After searching the streets thoroughly, he concluded that there weren't any Yakuza around. Maybe they were unaware of Izaya's return. That seemed to be the most likely case.

He could see clearly through the lenses. Izaya seemed as if he were only a foot away from Shizuo and he could only wish it were true. He watched Izaya lie on his bed, upside down with his legs on the wall as he held his phone above his face. Shizuo frowned at that. If Izaya dropped his phone, it would smack him in the face. He didn't want to see Izaya hurt.

He didn't have to worry for much longer though. Izaya got a call, and although it was hard for Shizuo to see the tiny words on the phone's screen, he could still make out some letters that gave away the caller. Hopefully, Kadota would stay true to his word and say good things about him. It was a risk, trusting Kadota like that, but he had a good feeling about him.

He watched Izaya joyfully answer the call, instantly sitting up. Izaya held his head in his hands, definitely regretting his sudden movement. It quickly passed though and he got right into the call.

Shizuo always loved watching Izaya on the phone. He was so animated, throwing wild gestures as he spoke, sometimes walking in circles in his room— or even just standing in front of the mirror and speaking, pretending his reflection was the other person. It showed all the things Izaya tried to keep hidden, his true personality. It was only for Shizuo to see, which was why it made him so happy that Izaya didn't show this side of him to anyone else.

Izaya was smiling wide, which was strange because it was bigger than his normal smile. He only ever smiled this wide when he was over-the-moon happy. What could he possibly be happy about?

Shizuo felt the anger rise in him, regretting that he put trust in anyone else. He thought Kadota was on his side. He was a fool for thinking the other would ever help him. Izaya was amazing, who wouldn't try stealing him away from Shizuo? It didn't matter who was on the list, Shizuo would destroy all of them in less than a minute.

Before he knew it, he was blinking at his binoculars. A piece was in one hand, broken off from the actual item. With a sigh, he threw the piece to the side, taking more caution as he looked through the binoculars again. This wasn't a time for his frustrations to get the better of him. He had to understand what was going on so he could fix it.

Unfortunately, he wasn't able to figure it out. All he could do was watch Izaya hang up and grab a book that had been lying on the floor. Izaya's initial happiness seemed to disperse and instead he began looking anxious. Eventually, he tossed the book aside. He stood up, walking to his closet as he looked through his clothes, his eyes lingering on some for a little longer than others, but in the end, they were all a no.

 _Did Kadota ask him on a date?_ Shizuo angrily thought, forcing his fists to relax as he snarled.

Izaya let out a groan of frustration, heading back to his bed as he pulled his laptop with him. He scrolled through different online clothing stores, trying any and every website he possibly knew before abruptly throwing his laptop aside, watching it give a light bounce on his mattress. Izaya picked it up and placed it on his desk before shutting the lights, crawling under the covers. Shizuo knew better than to assume Izaya would actually get some sleep. Izaya would, for sure, overthink his night away rather than getting some rest.

Shizuo whispered a good night, a soft smile on his face as he stood up. He decided to leave Izaya alone and head home. He walked through the same broken-down streets, eyes on the fallen buildings as he walked. His phone buzzed and he realized that he was getting a call from his brother.

"Hey, Kasuka," Shizuo greeted as he answered the call, wondering why his brother would be calling so late at night. Usually, it was the other way around. Today seemed to be full of surprises.

" _Hi,"_ came his brother's monotone voice. It oddly reminded him of one of Izaya's sisters. " _I've just been wondering what you've been up to."_

Shizuo's brows furrowed, kicking a rock that had been on the pavement as he tried coming up with a reason for Kasuka's call. "You know, nothing new. What's up?"

_"How have you been?"_

Since Kasuka ignored his question, Shizuo thought that it was only fair to ignore his in return. "You're usually not so concerned. Come on, tell me, what's on your mind?"

When there was nothing but silence, Shizuo tried a small laugh, hoping to ease a bit of the tension. He could hear the sigh Kasuka gave on the other end. Not a minute later, Kasuka ended the line and Shizuo stopped his walking. He listened to the insistent beeping of the ended call, trying to think of anything for Kasuka's change in behaviour, but nothing came to mind. He continued walking, wondering, but refusing to dwell on it.

—

The next day, Shinra waltzed into the café. It was strange to see him without Izaya by his side, but it wasn't exactly unusual. If he came without Izaya, it meant he had something to say—something about Izaya.

"Hi, Shizuo!" His cheery voice sounded through the café as he beamed up at the man with a wide smile. "I don't have to order anything, do I?"

Shizuo found it amusing how Shinra thought he didn't have a choice. Normally, he wouldn't have really said anything, but he was in a taunting kind of mood. He glared at Shinra to convey his message of _yes, you do have to order._

"Get me a pastry," he mumbled, staring up at the menu in disbelief. He shook his head in disappointment. "When are you going to start selling things that people actually like?"

Shizuo ignored him, grabbing the most expensive pastry he could find before placing it in a bag. Shinra took the bag and peeked at it but didn't say anything. His exasperated sigh spoke a thousand words.

"Oh, by the way!" He jerked his head up to look at Shizuo, his tone just as joyous as always. Shizuo noted the seriousness in his eyes though. This wasn't going to be a pretty conversation. "Steer clear of Izaya, yeah?"

Shizuo had been expecting it, yet he couldn't help the surprise overtake him. "Huh?"

Shinra shrugged, paying for the pastry and grimacing at the price. "Hs seems to be more confused than ever. I don't think either of us want him to make any irrational decisions."

Shizuo thought about last night, his mind replaying the images of Izaya on the phone and rummaging through his clothes. His fists clenched as he felt his eyebrow twitch. No, he didn't want Izaya to make any decisions like that.

Thinking back at his conversation with Izaya yesterday, he paused for a moment. Izaya had said his mind was cleared, but here Shinra was, claiming the exact opposite. He refused to admit that he was having some trouble understanding. Izaya probably only thought his mind was clear, but he might've just screwed up his thoughts when he went on his retreat.

Shizuo's anger must've been a response all on its own, so he didn't bother forming a sentence at all. Instead, he decided to ask some questions he had been thinking about. Izaya would never give him the answers, but maybe he could try his luck with Shinra.

"So Izaya invited me to his siblings' place a while back," he started, hoping it didn't sound like he was a creep. He didn't want Shinra doubting him and thinking that he was spying on Izaya or anything; he might just end up putting some weird thoughts in Izaya's head. Shizuo decided to hope for the best, continuing with his question. "And I noticed his room didn't have a doorknob."

He could see Shinra's face light with understanding. He bounced on his feet, and Shizuo thought he looked way too excited to talk about Izaya's personal life. His smile was uncanny, and Shizuo was debating between just letting the entire thing go.

"Oh, right! Yeah, it's actually kind of a sad story," he started. Despite his words, his lips were still quirked up, as if he were talking about his successes. "I'm sure you got this much, but their parents weren't— aren't around too much, and the twins relied on their brother a lot. They were scared of him leaving, too, so Izaya took the knob off. He said that they could always come in whenever they wanted to. It was to show them that he was still there. I think he even thought about taking off his door, but that didn't leave much room for privacy, and for a guy like Izaya, that's a problem!"

Shizuo glowered at Shinra, hating him for sounding so cheerful over something that was unfortunate. Was he glad that Izaya had to suffer so much? If he were, Shizuo would show him just how happy he would be to beat up the glasses-wearing freak.

"And I guess he just never got around to putting it back on." Shinra shrugged, taking out the pastry as he observed it carefully. "Why would such a small thing cost so much?"

Shizuo watched Shinra, confused, before shrugging it off as his eccentric ways. "He also randomly left recently. Any idea why?"

"Oh, you don't need to worry about that!" Shinra returned his attention back to the blond. "He's back now, so no use in thinking over it, right?"

"Shinra," he called out warningly, his hand clenching as he pretended it was the other's neck around his fingers.

Shinra seemed to notice and only raised a brow, not fazed at all. "I'm sure you know it was his birthday a few days ago. He doesn't like the attention of it. I'm not too sure why, but my guess is because it has something to do with his parents. I guess he just doesn't like making a big deal of it because of the disappointments he's felt all his life."

Shizuo watched Shinra take a bite of the pastry, reeling back into his own thoughts. The explanation seemed so Izaya-esque. _Don't worry, Izaya. Now that I'm here, you'll never have to avoid the attention. I'll make up for all the birthdays you've missed. You'll learn to love being the centre of attention._

Izaya's reasons for leaving were much more clear now. It was obvious that one of the main reasons was because of his birthday, but he also left because he 'needed to clear his head'. Shizuo was confused and he couldn't find the answers in his head and Shinra wasn't helping either. _What_ did Izaya need to clear his head of?

A few bites later, Shinra bid farewell, skipping out of the shop with a beaming smile on his face. Shizuo watched and wondered how a guy like that ever became Izaya's friend. Shizuo concluded that it didn't matter. _Soon enough, nobody else would matter._

_—_

It was late at night when Shizuo finally began his walk home. For the past few days, he had been starting his shift late, which meant he would stay later to make up for the missed hours. He didn't mind, but he decided to go back to his old schedule. It was easier to keep an eye on Izaya that way.

The quiet filled his ears as he walked down to the way to the park. It was a wild chance, he knew that, but he still felt some hope glimmer in his chest. Maybe Izaya would be there. He really hoped he would be. Even though Izaya was back now, he didn't get a chance to talk to him all that much. He missed him.

Glancing around, he felt his heart crush when he didn't find Izaya lying on the ground. Although he wasn't there, Shizuo could imagine him staring up at the stars that illuminated the dark night. His head would turn towards Shizuo as the latter made his way to the figure on the grass. No words would be exchanged as Shizuo took a seat beside him, just as they used to days before.

With a sigh, Shizuo lied on the ground. He felt cold, which was odd because he never felt his temperature drop, but without Izaya by his side, he felt alone. He waited, hoping Izaya would come.

At first, Shizuo lost that hope. An hour had passed, but there was no Izaya. He was in the process of wondering what he would have to do to fix this when he heard footsteps. Immediately, his head snapped in the direction of light taps against the ground. Izaya lied beside him, his grin brightening Shizuo's dark thoughts. The stars were nothing compared to Izaya.

It was a bit strange for Izaya to come after him; he was usually the one here first, but Shizuo still welcomed him with open arms. All that mattered was Izaya and that he was here.

As he looked at Izaya, he felt a bit weird; it had only been a bit over a week, but it felt like a century had done by. Shizuo felt as if something had significantly changed, and he wasn't too sure how to exactly feel about it.

"Fancy seeing you here, Shizu-chan," Izaya taunted. Shizuo didn't notice, all he heard was Izaya's voice.

_I missed this. I missed you,_ he wanted to say, but he didn't. There was already something strange in the air, and he didn't know what it was. He didn't want to make the situation worse, so he opted for staying quiet, giving nothing more than a greeting back.

"Shut up, flea."

Shizuo closed his eyes, feeling the grass underneath his fingers. He didn't feel cold anymore. How could he with the warmth that Izaya was giving him? All that was missing was Izaya's voice, which was strangely absent. Opening his eyes, he found Izaya looking hesitant, except it was different this time. Izaya didn't look uncomfortable or like he was regretting something, it was more like he wanted to say something but didn't.

"Something on your mind?" he asked, watching Izaya's features become a bit more relaxed. Shizuo felt joy at that. It was great to make Izaya feel at ease. "What did you clear your head of?"

Izaya didn't tense up like he thought he would. He was still calm, the smile giving away the content he felt. The smile turned into a smirk before his biting words left his mouth. "Nothing important."

Shizuo felt something brush his hand, but before he could question it, Izaya stood up and walked away from him. Shizuo could only watch him leave, wondering why Izaya left so suddenly, why he would he even bother coming if he would only disappear like he had never been here.

Shizuo raised his hand and stared at his fingers. Izaya had definitely touched them. They felt tingly, and he couldn't stop himself from feeling the warmth spread to the rest of his body. From the look on Izaya's face, it had definitely been intentional. Whatever Izaya cleared his mind of was clearly not a bad thing since Izaya was so much more open to him now.

He went home with the biggest smile on his face. Izaya was the one person who truly made him happy. He knew Izaya was the only one for him, and he knew Izaya knew that, too, but all he had to do was prove it. He had a feeling it wouldn't be long before he was able to.

As he unlocked his door, he glanced around in the corridor. It felt a bit off, but he ignored it as he walked in, throwing the keys onto a table nearby as he shut the door behind him. He was so tired, he was tempted to sleep without changing his clothes or anything.

He brushed his teeth, his eyes on his ceiling. He could practically see the box through the barrier between them, the box that held the toothbrush Izaya had used. It felt as if his toothbrush was near Shizuo's by the counter, as if he lived here. Shizuo couldn't wait for the day he found Izaya's things lying around; his toothbrush, for example, a hoodie on the floor, his mug by the sink. It was an exciting thought, but he knew it would only cause him trouble to think like that so soon. Getting excited only made him impatient, and that led to mistakes.

He took down the box, wanting to go through its content already. He missed Izaya, despite the fact that he had just seen him less than an hour ago.

He sat on the couch, his fingers brushing through the pictures he took and the items he had taken. Taking out all the pictures, he sprawled them across his couch so he could observe each one of them equally. His finger skimmed Izayay's sleeping face in one of the photos, smiling gently.

He stood up reluctantly, deciding to change his clothes and make something to eat before he chose to sleep to the image of Izaya's face.

He was in the middle of changing his clothes when a knock rapped on his door. Quickly putting his shirt on, he walked to his door, ready to punch any intruders. It could've been the Yakuza, he did suspect that they were after him, but they wouldn't have knocked. They would've just barged in quietly and either kill Shizuo on the spot or bring him back to their office or wherever to finish him off.

He looked through the peephole, but he couldn't really see anyone, so he decided to take his chances. Undoing the locks, he yanked the door open, ready to raise his fist. His breath got caught in his throat.

It was Izaya. He stood there, hands nervously by his side as he bit his bottom lip. As soon as he caught sight of Shizuo, the anxious look seemed to disappear, and was, instead, replaced with a stern look.

Shizuo paused and he couldn't move. One of his hands was still on the door, the other on the doorframe as he tried to understand why Izaya was here. He seemed like he had to tell Shizuo something at the park. Was he going to tell him now?

Izaya grabbed his collar, and Shizuo briefly thought that Izaya was mad at him. He searched his mind for anything and everything that he could've possibly done to have Izaya pissed. He didn't have much time to dwell on the thought though. Izaya pulled on his collar, and Shizuo let himself lean forward.

Izaya kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so firstly happy birthday to my favourite character ever <3
> 
> anyway, yay, they finally kissed. my original plan was to get them together by chapter fifteen but oh well.


	22. I'll Never Let You Get the Image of Me out of Your Head

_Shizuo approached his cousin carefully, walking slowly and quietly so she didn't hear. She was a bit older than him, about ten years his senior. Currently, she was sitting in the pool in their backyard, sunglasses on as she basked in the sun's warmth. Her earbuds were in, so she couldn't possibly have noticed him coming._

_No one else was home. His other cousins, all the guys he hated, were taking a drive somewhere. He told his mother he didn't want to go, and after much convincing, she agreed. His parents, along with his cousins' parents, weren't home either; they were at the park or something. They both had young borns, so they thought a few hours would be nice. Shizuo declined their offer to tag along; he'd be bored, he argued._

_That left him with his older girl cousin. The same one who pretended she was on his side. She had acted as if she weren't on the guys' team, that she actually cared for him. It was all just a plot to further humiliate him._

_Shizuo hated her the most. Despised her. Not only was she fake, but she had given hope that someone actually liked him, that someone, other than his parents, didn't mind having him around. He rather she just bluntly state that she didn't actually care than lead him on like she had._

_She was staring up at the sky, her head leaned back on the edge of the pool, when he finally got to her. His feet were by her head as he stared down at the girl who had brought nothing but trouble._

_She seemed to grimace, taking off her sunglasses as she glared at the small brunet. "What are you going, you dunce?"_

_Shizuo only continued his staring, not uttering a word. He only watched as she lifted her head to get a better look at him. Her expression seemed to drop at his narrowed eyes, her features taking on the form of confusion._

_"Listen," she started, nothing but annoyance in her voice. "Don't be a creep. Get out of here."_

_He didn't. Instead, he jumped in the pool beside her. She screamed, her arms coming up to protect her hair from getting wet. Once the splashes died down, she gave him a nasty look as she slashed some water on him._

_"What the hell is wrong with you?" she hissed, taking her earbuds out to properly scold him. "Get out!"_

_He didn't. His mind reeled back to all those times she had been faking, the times after when she was laughing at him with his other cousins. His face took on a sterner expression, gazing at her intensely as if to knock her out with his mind._

_She stopped her complaining, only eyeing him carefully as they both silently stood in the water._

_Shizuo wasn't going to leave, not after all the pain she caused him. He lifted his hand and reached for the back of her neck. Despite being older, she was significantly slower. He pushed her neck down, but making sure not to push too hard; he didn't want to leave bruises on her neck._

_She flailed underwater, attempting to grab at his arms or chest and then at anything. She failed at grasping onto something to help her. Shizuo watched her struggle with a smug grin; this moment was the happiest he had been in so long. It was a weird feeling, but he felt accomplished._

_Eventually, she stopped her struggling. Her body went limp, but Shizuo kept his hand on her, keeping her down for a few more minutes. He let go slowly, watching her body float around for a bit. He glanced at his hand and waited. He watched a lot of movies, and usually when someone took another person's life away, they felt mortified, regretful. He waited for those feelings, for the nausea he heard people felt. He felt nothing._

_He looked back up to her body. The only thing he felt was happiness, success, joy. Smiling, he got out of the pool. He would have to dry himself off before anyone came home._

_The control that had been taken away from him was given back to him. He decided that he liked the feeling of control._

—

Izaya pulled away slowly, his grasp on Shizuo's collar loosening. The blond blinked, unsure of what to think or say or do. He could only watch as Izaya bit his lip nervously and look away as some pink dusted across his cheeks. Shizuo thought he looked beautiful, but he didn't know what the right thing to say was anymore.

Izaya was struggling to find the right words, his turmoil all over his face. Shizuo nearly gave a sigh of relief when he didn't see any regret. He only saw uncertainty and a bit of dread, but that was probably just because he either didn't want to be rejected or he was too scared to try for a relationship again.

Was this why Izaya left? Suddenly, Shinra's words rang in his mind.

_"Steer clear of Izaya, yeah? He seems to be more confused than ever. I don't think either of us wants him to make any irrational decisions."_

Was this what Shinra meant? Izaya finally realized he loved Shizuo and he didn't want Izaya admitting it to him? Shizuo was confused; Shinra had supported him, telling him he wouldn't tell Izaya, but now he was trying to keep them apart? It didn't make sense, but Shiuzo just assumed it was Shinra's protectiveness. He could understand that.

Izaya kept his gaze away from him, even when he finally found the right words to say. "I don't really know what that kiss meant. I was just trying something."

Shizuo didn't say anything, just patiently waited as Izaya continued speaking. Shizuo knew that Izaya had to have known how he felt about him; it had to be obvious, especially after Izaya left for a week just to think.

"I don't really know what any of this means," Izaya silently laughed out as he kept his face stern, refusing to show the conflict he was currently having in his mind. Shizuo knew better though; he knew him better than he knew himself. "But if you're patient enough to see where this goes, then something might actually happen."

Shizuo nodded, knowing Izaya could see through his peripheral vision. "Okay."

Izaya finally looked at him and Shizuo's breath got caught in his throat. The look Izaya was giving him was amazing; he was looking at Shizuo with some affection and some confusion, and being flustered was a great look on Izaya.

"It could take a long while," Izaya drawled out, searching Shizuo's eyes for something. Whatever it was, Shizuo knew he wouldn't find anything but the love he felt for him. "There might not end up being anything. You're probably going to be like some rebound."

"Yeah, I know," Shizuo answered, keeping his thoughts to himself. He could never be a rebound, he was Izaya's only love; Shiki was just a distraction, he had to be.

"I like being around you," Izaya blurted out, as if he forced himself to say it before he could tell himself otherwise. Shizuo found it amusing how baffled someone like Izaya could get. To see someone— who was usually so composed and collected— like they were walking on a tightrope was funny for Shizuo. It was nice to be the only one who saw beneath all of Izaya's façade, his true self. "I think. I left for a number of reasons, but one was to clear my head. You were that reason, Shizu-chan. I left to understand."

The smile that worked up Izaya's lips was stunning. Shizuo could only watch, losing himself in Izaya's words and the way he looked up at Shizuo.

"You want to come in?" he asked, stepping a bit to the side. He didn't know what they would talk about, what would happen, but he was all in for the surprise. He didn't want Izaya to leave, not after he just told him that he actually loved him. He wanted to be around Izaya for the rest of his life.

Izaya shook his head, his smile unwavering. There was a strange look in his eyes though, as if the little bit of comfort he got through their conversation was out the window. "I'll see you, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo watched his love walk down the corridor as he wondered if he said something wrong when he invited Izaya in. It couldn't have been too important, so he let it go. Once he was sure Izaya was gone, he walked back into his apartment.

He froze as soon as he looked back at his couch. The contents from his box were everywhere, with pictures on the couch and on the floor and peeping out of the box— it was a disaster waiting to happen, had Izaya come in. He was kind of glad Izaya said no and took his rejection as a sign that whoever was watching was supporting Shizuo and Izaya's relationships.

He was so enticed by the kiss, he forgot all about his senses. With a sigh, he cleaned up, his mind replaying the moments Izaya's lips touched his.

He pushed the tile on the ceiling, slipping the box into its place. It had been a good day.

__

Izaya was waiting for him at a table. He wasn't too sure why he was here—probably just to pester him—but he wasn't complaining. His shift was supposed to end within the next few moments, so he would be able to find out why Izaya was here soon enough.

Every time he looked at Izaya, the scene from last night filled his mind. He couldn't get it out of his head and he wondered if Izaya could. _Probably not. Your overthinking would never let you. Don't worry, overthinking or not, I'll never let you get the image of me out of your head._

He walked to the back, his hands untying his apron. His coworker— the one that always bothered him— walked up to him, a hand on Shizuo's bicep before backing off. They weren't that friendly, he would never be that friendly with anyone but Izaya.

"Uh, so would you mind staying back for a bit?" he asked, but Shizuo's growling probably was enough for an answer. His coworker sighed and left, not bothering to try and convince Shizuo. No one but Izaya could convince him to do anything anyway.

When he walked back into the front of the café, he found Izaya tapping his foot on the floor, his chin in his hand as he looked out the window. Shizuo stopped for a moment; Izaya usually tapped his foot when he was feeling anxious. Why would he be nervous? It was just Shizuo, he should never be nervous around him.

He approached him carefully, watching for any signs of discomfort or anything. He sat down when he didn't see Izaya flinch from his presence. Izaya looked to him with a smile, straightening up as he lovingly gazed at Shizuo.

"Last night," Izaya started, getting right to the point. "I said you could be like a rebound at most. You said you were okay with that, right?"

Shizuo nodded, not trusting his mouth to say the right things. If there were one thing he learnt in the last few months, it was his ability to screw everything up with just one word.

"Okay." Izaya looked away, his finger tracing the table the same way Shizuo had seen it do so many times before. "I really do want to try. I think you can help me with this. I'm sure you know this could be beneficial to you, too."

_Of course. You being around me makes me so much happier. If this is what you need to realize you belong to me, then I'll happily do it._

Shizuo nodded again, and Izaya averted his attention back to him, a hint of his usual smirk on his lips. "Okay. So we're dating then."

Shizuo froze at those words. He didn't think Izaya would declare something like that so soon. "Are you—"

Izaya interrupted him with the scraping of his chair as he stood up, fingers on the edge of the table as he walked around it. He smiled down at Shizuo. He raised an eyebrow in suggestion, silently asking the blond to follow him. Shizuo did so, he would always follow Izaya wherever he went.

Izaya pushed the door open, walking out of the café with a glint in his eyes. Shizuo silently walked beside him, unsure of what was happening. He finally decided to ask. "Where are we going?"

Instead of only raising one of his brows, Izaya lifted two, the amusement all over his face. Shizuo silently basked in the fact that Izaya had never so openly shown this side of him to anyone else. He had never shown a face like this to anyone.

"I don't know." It took Shizuo a moment to remember that he had asked a question, and it took him another to process the answer. "You tell me."

"What?" He let his anger show, let the growl work its way past his lips. There was no real malicious intent, and they both knew that; it was only for the entertained look Izaya would get.

"This is our first," the raven began but paused for a moment, hesitating in saying the next word, "date. You should make it memorable, you know?"

_Typical._

"Huh?" He thought about something— anything. He did want their first date to be worth remembering, something Izaya could look back to and smile when he felt down, but nothing came to his mind. Nothing was special enough for such a great moment.

He was so caught up in his thoughts, he nearly missed the smirk on Izaya's face turning into a smile. A laugh slipped out of Izaya's mouth, and it didn't matter how many times Shizuo heard it; it still made him go crazy. "I don't need a destination."

Shizuo stopped his steps, but Izaya continued walking. He watched his love slowly get further away from him, knowing he was waiting for Shizuo to catch up. Shizuo didn't think he understood Izaya's statement properly; it definitely had a latent meaning, but he decided not to dwell on it too much. For now, he skipped up to Izaya's side and decided to just to be around Izaya. That was enough for the blond; he could only hope it would be enough for Izaya, too.

They strolled around the city, walking side-by-side. Izaya would tell him about the people walking down the streets and the shady people in alleyways and what they were probably up to. Shizuo listened as he watched Izaya's lit up face ramble on about his humans. Izaya's voice was so pretty and he nearly beat everybody who walked by them; nobody should hear Izaya's laughter.

Despite his frustrations with the eavesdropping crowd, Shizuo was enjoying himself. He was watching all his dreams come true as Izaya stood right by him, smiling up at him with excitement. It was all he ever wanted— all he had ever wished for. He couldn't believe the moment was actually happening.

He felt something on his hands. Looking down, he saw Izaya's thumb and index finger holding onto a couple of Shizuo's fingers, as if he were too scared to hold his hand. With a loud beat in his heart, Shizuo shook off Izaya's hands before quickly reaching for them again, but this time, he was holding his entire hand.

Izaya didn't look his way, but with the smile on his face and the squeeze of his hand, Shizuo knew he was also happy. Maybe he really didn't need a destination; Izaya just wanted to be near him, too.

It soon got dark, but they continued on walking, ignoring the dark of the night and the shine of the stars. The illumination of the stars was nothing compared to how bright Izaya's eyes were.

"I could do for some Russia Sushi," Izaya spoke up, tugging Shizuo along the way. Shizuo chuckled at that, letting his love drag him towards the building with the big man handing out flyers in broken Japanese.

They sat down, and this time, Izaya didn't even bother looking through his menu. He propped his elbows onto the table, his chin in his hands as he watched Shizuo read the words instead. The latter glanced at him, but didn't question it; Izaya was probably just wondering what he would get. Shizuo decided to surprise him.

He closed the menu shut as he waved the waiter over. Izaya tilted his head, his eyebrows twitching in confusion as they threatened to furrow together. "What're you getting?"

Shizuo winked, keeping the mystery in the air for a bit. He normally would be hesitant to be so bold, but he and Izaya seemed to be at a good place. A good enough place for Izaya to be more accepting of his advances. He didn't have to worry about Izaya's reactions to things like this anymore.

The waiter first looked at Izaya, pen ready in hand. In a voice that seemed like it was obvious, Izaya answered, "Ootoro."

"Me too," Shizuo added soon after, relishing in the shock all over Izaya's face. The waiter took their menus as Izaya tried composing himself again. He managed to hide the smirk back on his face, but Shizuo could see the question in body language.

"You're truly interesting, Shizu-chan! You think you could redeem yourself after last time?" he hummed, leaning forward to get a proper look at Shizuo. "After that, I don't think it's possible for you to ever move on."

"What, you think I can't handle it?" It was hard to let anger seep its way through, but he had no other choice; Izaya would be weirded out over his sudden affectionate tone.

"Oh, Shizu-chan, that's silly! I know you can't handle it!" he giggled, dodging to the left as Shizuo threw a salt shaker at his head. "Your aim is as terrible as your taste."

"Shut up!" he harshly said, his hand gripping the side of his chair. Izaya noticed but didn't say anything about the cracking noise that came from it.

"I mean, surely you know that if you miss your target, that deems you a failure, yes?" he asked with a snicker. Shizuo growled in response, and the two continued to bicker until their food arrived. 

"Come on, Shizu-chan, dig in!" Izaya taunted, breaking apart his chopsticks as he put some of his own bitter fish into his mouth.

Shizuo only stared at the food with disgust, regret filling his guts with nausea. This shouldn't count as food, it was too gross. Maybe he should've waited to impress Izaya since he clearly wasn't getting anywhere like this. Practicing at home would've been so much better.

"I knew you were a coward!" Izaya exclaimed, already half-done his meal while Shizuo only poked at his.

Shizuo glared at him, pointing the chopsticks dangerously with as much menace as he could possibly muster. "Who you callin' a coward?"

"I know I'm a coward. We've been over this," Izaya drawled, speaking slowly enough as if Shizuo couldn't understand what he was saying.

Without another word, Shizuo shoved the fish into his mouth, refusing to show any of his disdain and discomfort. Izaya only smirked at his reaction and finished off his food before watching Shizuo struggle.

"Wow, what a guy you are!" Izaya slipped his chopsticks into his plate, stealing some of the Ootoro like last time. "Eating something you hate so much just to try and amaze me with no certainty that I would even care."

_But you do care. That's exactly why I did this._

Shizuo didn't answer him, only focusing on finishing the food in front of him. Luckily, his plate was soon empty. Shizuo paid for both of their meals, Izaya not even bothering to offer to pay. He had more than enough to buy everyone in this city a house, but he couldn't pay for a meal. What a guy Shizuo ended up with.

They walked out of the restaurant, Izaya's hand in his pockets because of the slight winds of the May air. The wind swayed Izaya's hair back gently and with the look on his face, he looked so innocent staring up at Shizuo like that. Shizuo wanted to hold his hand, but he clenched his own to keep to himself.

"Let me walk you home," he offered. He could tell Izaya wanted to make a snarky comment, but the latter only gave a slight nod, walking a bit ahead.

The two walked towards Izaya's flat. Shizuo wasn't an idiot, he was careful to let Izaya lead. He couldn't let Izaya find out that he knew where he lived; it would be nothing short of a disaster.

Despite the quiet exchange between the two, it was great to walk with Izaya. It was a comfortable silence, and he could tell Izaya enjoyed it too. He wanted to shrug off his jacket, let it land over Izaya's shoulders, but he didn't want to come off too strong. Besides, Izaya already had his fur-trimmed coat on; it wouldn't be too fun to wear two jackets.

They made it to Izaya's apartment. The raven turned around and grinned up at the man. "You did good for being a date-virgin, Shizu-chan."

Before Shizuo could protest against his remark, Izaya leaned up, leaving a chaste kiss on Shizuo's lips. Shizuo didn't want the other man to pull away like he did. He wanted to grab the other's waist and pull him close, kiss him fiercely and endlessly to show just how crazy he made him.

He didn't do anything. He kept his arms by his side as Izaya took a few steps back. "See you, Shizu-chan!"

He wasn't upset that Izaya didn't call him in. He understood. He would've declined the offer, had Izaya made a request. It was obvious he was still so nervous, so Shizuo wanted to make sure he was fully comfortable before pushing Izaya to invite him.

He watched his love's retreating figure before fishing his pocket for his phone. He was extremely happy, and he didn't know what to do with the overwhelming joy he felt. He planned to give Kasuka a call, hoping the other would still be awake at such a late hour.

Making his way home, he held the phone to his ear, letting the rings pass before a voice finally answered.

_"Shizuo?"_

"Yeah, hi," he said with a smile, feeling his mood lift up even more. He didn't think it was possible for his smile to get any bigger. "You busy?"

_"No. What's up?"_

"Well, Izaya and I are dating now. He seemed happy today, despite it being our first date," he explained. He thought back to Izaya's grin and the shine in his eyes and the feel of his lips hovering over the blond's own. "I would do anything for him."

There was silence on the other line for a moment. Shizuo decided to let him take his time, assuming he was multi-tasking while talking to Shizuo. Finally, he spoke up.

_"Anything? Even take someone's life?"_

Shizuo felt his smile fall. He wondered why Kasuka would decide to bring this up. He couldn't have possibly known about what he did. Shizuo was careful, he made sure to spare all the details when telling Kasuka anything. He could only hope that it was a mere coincidence. _He's probably just wondering how serious I was._

"I rather not have this conversation right now," he spoke quietly, glancing around at the empty sidewalk. There were cars on the road, but he wasn't too concerned with them; they couldn't overhear his conversation.

_"You would."_ It wasn't a question. Did Kasuka know? _"Shizuo, this isn't a healthy relationship."_

"Kasuka, I don't think you understand," he rushed out, desperately trying to explain himself. "I love him."

_"I don't think you do. I'll be by the café tomorrow morning so we could talk."_

Before Shizuo could say anything, the line was dead. He stared at his phone, nearly crushing it in his grip. All he saw was red; slow, thick drops of red falling from his hand and onto the pavement. He shoved his hand into his pocket, walking fast as he tried forgetting about his conversation with his brother. Out of everyone, was it really going to be Kasuka who didn't support his relationship with Izaya?

Suddenly, the red on his hand didn't bother him anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is completely random, but do you remember when izaya had that hobby of smashing girls cellphones? and how it only lasted like thirty seconds? so randomly last night, i started thinking about that and the izaya novels. in the novels, whenever someone wanted information on izaya, the first thing they were told was about his smashing phones hobby. i dont know why but that was just so funny to me. out of everything izayas done, theyre told of what seems like the most trivial thing. it hasnt happened once either, im sure at least twice people were told about his hobby when they asked around. i just got really confused before laughing. this is why i should just go to bed early.


	23. You Never Fail to Amaze Me

Shizuo sat in the booth, eyeing the door intensely as he waited for his brother. His shift was supposed to start soon, so he didn't have much time to waste, but he wouldn't mind starting late. Speaking to Kasuka was his main focus at the moment.

He was nervous, of course he was; his brother called his relationship unhealthy. Was he trying to call it toxic? Whatever he was trying to say, he had to convince his brother otherwise. It wasn't anything like that— he and Izaya were both happy and in love. His brother would see that, he had to; he couldn't lose the one person who had been supporting him from the beginning.

The bell chimed and in walked Kasuka. Neither of them said anything as he sat down, and while Shizuo watched him with shifty eyes, Kasuka's were staring at him intently.

"Brother," he greeted, to which Shizuo nodded his head at. Kasuka spoke up before he had a chance to say anything. "You and Izaya aren't right."

Straight to the point, Shizuo thought, clenching his fists under the table as he refrained himself from glaring at his brother. He had to remind himself that Kasuka just didn't know all of it yet.

"I love him—"

"You think you do," Kasuka interrupted. "You want to love him, but you're obsessed. There's something wrong about all this and there's only one way to fix it."

"Fix it?" His relationship didn't need any fixing. Whatever Kasuka was suggesting couldn't have been beneficial at all. The paper in Kasuka's hand proved him right.

"Here's a plane ticket," he explained, holding his hand up to display the papers. "It's anywhere but here."

"You don't understand," Shizuo said, lowering his voice in a menacing way. He didn't mean to be so threatening towards his brother, but he couldn't resist. "I would do anything for him."

Kasuka sighed in exasperation. "I know—"

"I would murder someone," he admitted quietly, taking a quick glance around to make sure there was no one eavesdropping on their conversation. "I have."

He meant to say it so Kasuka would better understand him and his feelings, but with the wide-eyed look and his mouth agape, Shizuo knew his words only did the opposite.

"Shizuo, this is exactly what I meant." He shoved the papers towards the blond. "Leave. You're going to be in trouble otherwise."

"I've been handling it. I think I'll be fine." Shizuo crushed the papers in his hand. "I've been fine for months."

"Shizuo," Kasuka called out sternly, his eyes filled with what Shizuo assumed was disappointment. "This isn't good for you or Izaya."

"Kasuka—"

Kasuka stood up, his fingers trailing the edge of the table as he looked down at his brother. He said nothing at first, only eyeing him as he tried to get his message across. Shizuo saw the desperation but he couldn't understand why it was there. Izaya and he were perfect for each other, why couldn't Kasuka see that?

"Please, just think about it." He gestured to the ripped up paper in Shizuo's grip. "What you did wasn't right, but if you continue whatever you're doing, you're not going to be able to make up for it."

Shizuo actually laughed out at that. "Taking someone's life isn't redeemable."

"Maybe, maybe not, but it all starts with realizing what you've done and trying to make up for it." Kasuka put his hands in his pockets as he made to leave. "Bye, brother."

Shizuo stared blankly at the table, his hands flat against the surface, palms up. It was dripping red, just like last night. The more he watched the red fall onto the table, the more he thought of it as a sign. Maybe it wasn't haunting him or trying to make him regret what he had done all those years or months ago, but maybe it was trying to tell him to keep his hands like this—red.

The blood disappeared as his fingers curled into a fist. His hands clutched the edge of the table, and before he knew it, he was flipping the table. It flew in the air before crashing into the window on the opposite side of the café, breaking into many small fragments. He breathed heavily, angry at his brother. His brother was supposed to understand.

A familiar quote popped into his head, one he didn't think would ever apply to him because he would always have his brother. Apparently, he really was the only one left.

_Et s'il n'en reste qu'un, je serai celui-là!_

_—_

He stomped angrily, his footsteps loud as people cleared the way for him. Even though he had work, he was too pissed to do anything. It may have seemed like he had Shinra's support, Kadota's too, but he wasn't too sure. If his brother backed out on him, why wouldn't those two?

_No one's on your side. No one ever was. Kasuka betrayed you, he doesn't actually care. He never did. He's going to tell the police that you killed someone._

Kasuka betrayed him. That was the last thing he thought would have happened. Kasuka wasn't supposed to say those things— he was supposed to support Shizuo in all his actions. He was supposed to tell him to chase after what he wanted; that's what he had always said before. What was so different about it now?

Kasuka was out to get him. Maybe Shinra and Kadota were too. He glanced around the street, people minding their own business as he walked past them. There could've been people here that were watching him as they waited to attack.

He walked faster and didn't slow his pace until he got to his apartment. Giving a sigh of relief, he unlocked the door and stepped in, taking his shoes off at the entrance before dropping himself onto the couch.

Closing his eyes, he felt himself relax. He just had to take some breaths and he would be fine. His mind would calm down once his thoughts became more rational.

"So this is how the beast lives in his den."

Confused, his eyes opened and focused on the figure in front of him. It took him a moment to realize that he wasn't just imagining Izaya in his apartment.

"Izaya?" he questioned, his eyes dropping onto what he was wearing. "Is that mine?"

"Hm?" Izaya looked down at the hoodie, feigning ignorance before grinning knowingly. "Oh, yeah, it is! I found it in your closet and it didn't smell like sweat, so I put it on."

Shizuo's watched the other take a sip from his coffee, which was probably made with Shizuo's kitchen appliances. He wasn't upset at Izaya, more like the opposite; seeing Izaya clad in his clothes, acting as if he lived in Shizuo's apartment, was enough for Shizuo to forget about all his anger from before. It reminded him why Kasuka was wrong. Shizuo loved Izaya, and this was exactly why.

"What're you doing here? How'd you get in?" he asked after remembering that he couldn't get swept up in his thoughts. From what he could remember, the lock on the door was fine, but it wouldn't be hard to ignore any damages in his angry state.

"I got bored," he answered, shrugging as he sat down beside Shizuo. "Your locks are really weak."

"Why did you change your clothes?" Not that he was complaining, but he just wanted all the reasons.

"I got bored," he repeated slowly, leaning a bit forward teasingly. He laughed before sipping from his cup. "How come you're back early?"

"Huh?"

"From work. You had work today, no?" he asked, pulling his legs up on the couch. "That's why I came here. I thought I could snoop through all your stuff and see all the naughty things Shizu-chan hides!"

Shizuo ignored his last comment, his heart beating faster. Izaya couldn't have actually found anything. The box in his ceiling was away from any prying eyes; nobody would ever even think about looking there. Izaya would have no reason to wander into his bathroom, pushing all tiles of ceiling.

"I got angry."

"Typical," Izaya scoffed, placing his cup onto the table. Shizuo noticed that it was empty and wondered how long Izaya had been here. "Of course a simpleton like you would have such a response."

"What's that supposed to mean, huh?" Snarling, he narrowed his eyes at Izaya, who sat unflinchingly under his glare. Instead of faltering, Izaya only straightened up at the challenge.

"Don't worry about it. A protozoan like you wouldn't be able to understand such a concept." Izaya stood up and Shizuo only watched, not being able to avert his eyes anywhere else. "It's almost noon. What have you got to eat?"

Noon? Shizuo glanced at the clock and noticed that it was half-past eleven. He didn't realize he spent so much time just marching down the streets angrily.

"I'm surprised you want to eat," Shizuo mumbled, standing up as he tried to think of something to serve to his beloved. What kind of lover would he be if he couldn't even provide a decent meal?

"Well, contrary to whatever it is you believe, I do, in fact, eat. It would be absurd to think otherwise." He heard Izaya skip into the kitchen, opening the fridge to examine its contents. Shizuo stayed by the cupboard, looking for anything that wasn't instant. The noodles that sat in front of him were mocking him, he could feel it.

He didn't want to suggest take-out, but it seemed like he had no other choice. "Hey—"

"You have cake-mix!" He heard an exclaim and turned around to see Izaya's head in one of his cabinets. He didn't use the things in there very often, only once when he tried making an apology cake for someone he sent to the hospital, someone he thought was just a bystander. He soon realized that that someone didn't deserve it, that they were the one to plan out the attack on him.

"Yeah," he answered, almost laughing at the other's excitement. He continued his search for food, deciding to look for a while longer before suggesting fast-food. He really needed to go grocery shopping.

He heard some shuffling behind him, and when he turned around to ask what Izaya was doing, he saw the cake-mix box out, along with some eggs and milk. Izaya seemed to be searching for something. Shizuo couldn't help but let out a small laugh; Izaya looked frustrated, but it was cute.

"What are you doing?" Izaya's eyes immediately landed on him, an eyebrow raised as he slowly looked at things he took out. 'Isn't it obvious?' his eyes spoke, but Shizuo meant why.

"Making cupcakes, of course!" Izaya cheered, drumming his hands on the counter excitedly. "Now where's your cupcake pan?"

Shizuo only stared at Izaya blankly. It was lunch, they were supposed to have a proper meal, especially with how thin Izaya was. He understood that fast metabolism existed, but he also knew just how little Izaya ate. He wanted to give him a proper meal.

"You want cupcakes?" he asked slowly, watching Izaya nod. "For lunch?"

Izaya rolled his eyes. "Obviously. Where's the pan?"

Shizuo sighed as he walked to a cabinet filled with his other pans. He never bought one meant for cupcakes, but Kasuka had given it to him as a gift. He took it out and handed it to Izaya, who greatly accepted it.

Shizuo only watched as Izaya took out a large bowl, pouring all of the cake-mix into it. Izaya looked so perfect wearing his clothes in his kitchen, glancing up every now and then to see Shiuzo's eyes on him. This was where Izaya belonged, away from prying eyes. It was supposed to be just him and Izaya.

Izaya looked so focused as he cracked an egg on the counter, slowly pushing the egg apart as the yolk landed into the mix. His brows were slightly furrowed together as he concentrated. Shizuo nearly scooped Izaya up into his arms, burying his face into his neck, knowing Izaya was a bit ticklish. He never wanted to let the man go, and he wasn't ever going to.

"Are you going to help or just watch like the creepy monster you are?"

Shizuo jolted out of his thoughts, immediately rushing to Izaya to help him out. Izaya had already put all the ingredients together and he was holding out the whisk, gesturing Shizuo to take it. Shizuo mixed all the ingredients together as Izaya put the paper cups into the pan.

"It's mixed," he called out to Izaya, who made his way underneath Shizuo's arm to get a better look at the batter. Shizuo wanted to drop everything in his hands and hold Izaya by his waist— it was so easy, but Izaya's words brought him back to reality.

"Looks good enough!" Izaya took a spoon and began to scoop the batter and pour it into the paper cups. Shizuo wondered why he didn't just lift the bowl and pour it in that way, but then he thought about Izaya's arms; they may have been stronger than they looked, but they were still so fragile. Shizuo didn't think he could lift the bowl up for longer than three seconds. His strength was mostly in his legs rather than his arms.

"And now we wait!" Izaya exclaimed, turning to Shizuo with a grin. "By the way, can you call Russia Sushi and order—"

"Huh?" Take-out was something he was really against, so he was glad Izaya found the cake-mix, but why was he asking about Russia Sushi?

"Cupcakes are too sweet," he sighed out, tapping his fingers against the counter. "Besides, cupcakes aren't meant for lunch."

"You—" Shizuo stopped himself before he ended up cursing at the raven. Taking a deep breath, he spoke again, albeit still in a threatening tone. "You're going to eat the cupcakes."

"And who's going to make me?" Izaya smiled, his fingers pausing as his entire frame turned towards Shizuo, a smile growing on his face.

"What, are you a coward? Can't handle the sweet taste?" Shizuo teased, recalling his attempts at eating Ootoro and the way Izaya had mocked him. "Is it too much for you?"

Izaya seemed to have recognized the challenge, his eyes gleaming with interest. "All right, I'll bite. I bet you I can eat three without cringing like you did when you ate the fatty tuna."

"Only three?"

Izaya squinted his eyes, seeming a bit hesitant but accepting the bet anyway. "Four."

Shizuo grinned as the other walked into the living room, saying something about finding a movie to watch. Shizuo didn't follow after him, deciding to keep an eye on the cupcakes instead. Izaya wouldn't be able to make it past one, let alone four, but it would fun to watch him try.

The cupcakes finished baking twenty minutes later. Shizuo took them out with some oven gloves, putting them all into a plate before making his way to where Izaya was. The latter was on the couch, watching some cartoon Shizuo didn't recognize.

As soon as Shizuo sat down, Izaya grimaced as he eyed the cupcakes. For a moment, it seemed like he was going to plead Shizuo to get him something else, but he must've seen the smug look on Shizuo's face because he scoffed, taking one of the sweets in his hands.

"Bon appétit," Shizuo teased. Izaya ignored him, focusing on peeling down the wrapper. Shizuo watched closely as the other put one in his mouth. For a moment, neither of them moved, but then Izaya made a gagging sound, spitting the bite he took into a tissue that was on the coffee table.

"I don't know what cupcakes are supposed to taste like," he finally said, closing the tissue up as he put it on the table to throw out later. "But it is not supposed to taste like that."

Confused, Shizuo took a small bite and that was when he realized what Izaya was talking about. "Why would you put salt in it?"

"You think I did it on purpose? It's not my fault you don't label anything," he exclaimed, turning his uneaten cupcake in his hands as he examined it. "Protozoan."

" _You label_ — you know what? Whatever. I'm ordering pizza." Shizuo took out his phone, fingers typing away at the app. He saw Izaya open his mouth to protest, but he didn't let him. "And you're eating it."

He heard the other sigh before slouching in his seat. Shizuo picked all the toppings that he deemed healthy in hopes that Izaya would feel more comfortable with eating it. He was in the middle of finalizing the order when something hit the side of his head.

Turning his head to where Izaya was, he glared at the pieces of the cupcake in his hand. Shizuo growled at the other's smirk. "If you do that again, I'm going to take your scrawny—"

Izaya threw the entire cupcake this time, laughing like an evil child. Shizuo shoved the plate of cupcakes, which had been resting in his lap, onto the coffee table before lunging towards Izaya. He wasn't too sure what he would do if he caught him, but he didn't think he would have to worry about that; Izaya wouldn't let himself get caught.

Just as he expected, Izaya jumped behind the couch, running into the corridors of Shizuo's apartment. He gave chase, shoving everything Izaya was jumping over aside. He ran into the bathroom, thinking Izaya had gone in, but he was proven wrong when there was no sign of him. He got out and checked his bedroom next, but he still couldn't see him anywhere. He checked every room, including the kitchen, linen closet, and the bathroom again to make sure he hadn't gone in there when his back was turned.

With an exasperated sigh, he headed back to the living room. He wouldn't deny that Izaya hadn't won this round, but he wouldn't lose track of him next time. There was no point in searching for a man who wouldn't be found unless he showed himself first.

Upon entering the room, he found Izaya leaning on the front door, his coat thrown over his shoulders, looking like he was about to bolt out the door. Shizuo felt some sadness overtake him at the thought of Izaya leaving.

Shizuo walked towards him slowly, making sure he wouldn't randomly flee out of the apartment. He shook his head as he approached him, looking down as Izaya stared up with amused eyes.

"Well," Izaya's voice brought him out of the enthralled trance Shizuo felt himself being pulled into by those crimson eyes, "I best be on my way."

Before he could turn around, Shizuo caught him by his waist, pulling him into a kiss. Izaya didn't push him away, a hand coming to the back of his neck instead, pulling the blond closer. Shizuo kept his eyes open, admiring the softness of Izaya's skin and the eased-out eyelids covering what prompted Shizuo to kiss Izaya in the first place. A bit of Izaya's face was shadowed by his bangs, so Shizuo removed one of his hands from his waist and brought it up to push aside Izaya's hair. At his touch, Izaya opened his own eyes and Shizuo felt himself getting lost all over again. Izaya was staring at Shizuo intently, in a way no one had ever done before. His eyes looked full of life, as if Shizuo were the one to brighten them up.

At that moment, everything felt right. Izaya looked like he loved Shizuo. He had to. No one had ever looked at Shizuo and smiled—no one had ever looked so lovingly at him. If Izaya had been able to look past all of his faults, that had to have meant he loved Shizuo, even if he didn't consciously know it yet.

The moment continued even as Izaya pulled away. Shizuo had to force every fibre in his being not to chase after his lips. Izaya then smiled, his mouth curving up gently as he gazed up at Shizuo. He removed his hand from the blond's neck as the latter did the same.

Izaya took a step back, hand on the doorknob as he pulled the door open, his eyes never leaving Shizuo, who suddenly remembered what Izaya was wearing.

"Hey! You're still wearing my—"

"What?" He heard Izaya call out as he shut the door, hurried footsteps growing quieter by the second. 

It took Shizuo a minute to process what had just happened. He laughed before walking to the TV, turning off whatever had been playing. _You never fail to amaze me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was going to have them prepare a proper lunch dish, but i realized that i didn't know how to make anything except for cupcakes :)) oops
> 
> some stuff may seem a bit confusing--like why izaya does the things he does--but i think by the end of the book everything will be cleared up...or so i hope


	24. You Don't Know What's Going On

  
Shizuo woke up the next morning happier than ever. Yesterday's events still rolled around in his mind as if they were just happening. He felt joy fill his guts as he made his way down to work. He and Izaya were actually getting somewhere, and he could tell by the looks Izaya gave him that he was feeling more attracted to the blond day by day. It was perfect; what more could he want?

 _To have him away from prying eyes._ He glared at the people he walked past, not because they were staring him but because they would probably stare at Izaya if he were here. Soon enough, Izaya wouldn't be fawned over. He just had to be patient.

As soon as he stepped into the café, he felt as if something were off. People were still coming in and out, the workers were doing their jobs, but there was something in the air that felt wrong. It could've been the people working away at the broken window, trying to fix what his moment of frustration had done, or it could've been something else. Whatever it was, he ignored it, walking behind the counter and into the back room to get ready for his shift.

He was in the middle of tying his apron when he heard footsteps coming closer. He didn't grow too paranoid or uneasy because he knew he didn't have much to worry about. The coworker that didn't like him always walked angrily, stomping in and out of the rooms as if he had some kind of purpose.

"Shizuo," Tom called out, which got Shizuo's attention. He paused in tying his apron, slowly turning around to face his boss. Tom sounded hesitant, afraid to speak, but Shizuo couldn't figure out why. He had never heard him sound so unsure.

"Yeah?" He dropped onto the couch, trying to appear as laid back as he should've been feeling. There really was something wrong about the café today; first it was the weirdness in the air and now Tom acting so uneasy.

"For the past few months, I've been nice enough to look past your anger issues," he began, and Shizuo didn't like where this was going, "But I'm afraid I can no longer afford your anger. We've had several complaints and you've broken furniture a number of times, the window from yesterday serving as a prime example."

"Tom, I—"

Tom interrupted his apology with a frown on his face. "I'm sorry, Shizuo, but there's nothing I can do anymore. You're fired."

Tom walked out, noting the anger rising from the blond. Shizuo was furious, but not at Tom; he had been generous enough to let him work here for as long as he did. He was mad at himself for being so careless, for taking everything so lightly.

He roughly shoved off his apron, throwing it onto the face of his coworker as the latter walked into the room. Shizuo didn't care what he did anymore; it didn't matter after all. Being fired from the café wasn't too bad; he already got Izaya's attention, what else was the café supposed to give him?

"Hey!" his coworker complained, shoving the fabric out of his face messily. "What are you—"

He didn't bother waiting around for him to finish speaking. Without another word, he left the employees room and the café, refusing to glance back at the apologetic gaze Tom was sending his way. This had been his mistake and he was going to own up to it.

The more he thought about, the more he felt himself thinking irrationally. It had been his fault, he could admit that, but why would Tom suddenly fire him? He had been ignoring it for so long, it wasn't like Shizuo did anything new. Granted, he hadn't broken a window before, but everyone should've been used to his outbursts. Why _now_ of all times? He had done so much worse before.

_Tom knows. He knows everything. Who would want a stalker working at their café?_

"I'm not a stalker," Shizuo mumbled, walking down the streets quickly. He wasn't, he was keeping an eye on Izaya, that was all. It wasn't stalking. Besides, whatever it was called, Tom couldn't have known. He couldn't have.

_The Yakuza could've told him._

They could've, but why would they?

He felt any logical thinking go right out the window. Tom probably knew— he had probably known from the beginning. He was always out to get Shizuo. _He_ was the one stalking him. He was watching Shizuo and reporting to the Yakuza, there couldn't have been any other explanation. He was probably watching Shizuo exert his inhuman strength, telling the Yakuza everything: what he could handle, what made him mad, what got him to calm down. Tom had never been on his side. Getting fired was probably the best thing that had happened.

Absentmindedly, he opened his apartment's door, throwing his shoes off near the entrance, not bothering to see where they ended up. He tensed up suddenly, feeling the hairs in the back of his next shoot up. It could've just been his paranoia, but he felt as if someone were in the house. With a clenched fist, he slowly walked to his living room, ready to beat up anyone that thought coming to his apartment was a good idea.

He charged into the room, stopping when he saw Izaya sitting on the floor by his coffee table with Shizuo's— one of many— shades on his face, watching TV. He looked his way and waved as if he lived here. While Shizuo didn't mind the thought, it wasn't true; Izaya had just broken in again. He should've been aware of it, he should've known that it was just Izaya, but he assumed his mind was still distracted from earlier.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he asked, more out of confusion than anger. He didn't think he had the right mind to pretend to be short-tempered at the moment. Maybe his distracted mind would make him frustrated enough to keep up the act he was putting on.

Izaya picked up a bottle, one that he hadn't noticed before, and held it up with a little shake. Upon seeing Shizuo still puzzled, he sighed as he set the bottle back down.

"It's vodka, Shizu-chan!" Izaya cheered, pouring some of the bottle's content into two shot glasses. "And I thought it would be fun to play a little game. Ever heard of 'Never Have I Ever?'"

"This seems sort of intense. You don't expect us to take a shot every time we 'have,' right?" Shizuo asked, genuinely curious as he sat down beside Izaya. "The game won't last too long that way."

That was kind of a lie for Shizuo; no matter how much he drank, he couldn't get drunk. It must've had something to do with his inhuman body.

"Okay, then we'll play the regular way." Izaya put the shot glasses aside and reached under the table, pulling out two normal glasses. He gave a sly smile and Shizuo knew he was expecting Shizuo to say what he had.

Shizuo rolled his eyes as he grabbed the bottle, pouring in some vodka into both of the glasses. He handed one over to Izaya, who still had the grin on his face.

"All right, I'm assuming you know the rules." Izaya took off the pair of sunglasses that he stole, throwing them aside as he watched Shizuo nodded. "I'll go first then. We'll start off easy. Never have I ever broken a bone."

"What?" Shizuo yelled. He grew a bit scared; did Izaya know of his childhood spent in hospitals? Was that why he asked that question right off the bat? Was this his way of saying he knew what Shizuo had done all along?

Izaya seemed startled at Shizuo's sudden outburst, but he quickly recomposed himself. "Have you ever broken a bone?"

Shizuo noticed the confusion all over Izaya's face and sighed. He really needed to keep his paranoia in check. "Who hasn't?"

"I wouldn't have asked if I had," Izaya explained slowly, raising his right wrist. I've sprained and fractured my wrist, but have never broken it."

Shizuo didn't say anything else, thinking he had done a lot already by opening his mouth. Instead, he took a sip of his drink, feeling the alcohol go down his throat. He really didn't like the taste.

"Your turn," Izaya spoke up when Shizuo stayed silent.

Shizuo blinked, trying to think of something that wouldn't have given him away. "Stop pressuring me!"

Izaya sighed, but did as he was told. Shizuo thought of all the things Izaya had and hadn't done. He wanted to get Izaya drunk, of course he did; he could show him just how much of a gentleman he was by not taking advantage of him. He knew Izaya didn't drink because he wasn't himself when he did, so he just had to get Izaya drunk enough to forget the night and then fabricate a story showing just how good of a person he was.

"I haven't—"

"Say it properly."

Shizuo clenched his fist around the glass, but not too tightly to break it. "Never have I ever gone to university."

"Aw, come on! That's so boring!" Izaya whined, but took a sip from his glass anyway.

Something about the look in Izaya's eyes told him that the latter was trying to get him drunk first. He didn't know the reasons why, but it probably had something to do with making him talk and say embarrassing things. Shizuo suppressed a smirk; Izaya was in for a surprise.

"Never have I ever beat someone so badly, they ended up in the hospital."

Izaya wasn't looking at him, but he was sure that there was a wily look in his eyes. Shizuo figured out what Izaya was doing; he was trying to get answers in a way he thought Shizuo wouldn't find out his true intentions. Izaya knew that if he asked Shizuo directly, he would get nowhere. Shizuo felt himself getting excited at the challenge.

Taking a swig of his drink, he slammed the glass back down onto the table. "Never have I ever left Tokyo."

"Wow, you really are living a boring life," Izaya teased, taking a drink. "Never have I ever killed someone."

Shizuo tried not to react. He only grimaced as he glared at the raven, who gave him a small shrug. Shizuo didn't take a sip; he felt bad about lying, but Izaya wouldn't understand what he did and why. Eventually, he'll tell him everything, just not now.

"Hm, guess you aren't as violent as I thought. Who knows what you're capable of." Izaya sighed, swirling the drink in his hands as he leaned back against the couch. "Come on, protozoan. This game is starting to get boring."

And he couldn't afford that. Shizuo tried, he really did, to think of a conflicting question, but nothing that would give him away.

"Never have I ever gotten a tattoo." He hoped it was generic enough, something Izaya wouldn't find suspicious. It was a question people asked, right? So he had nothing to worry about. His questions were only going to get riskier.

"Really?" Izaya questioned in disbelief, hiding his smile behind his glass. "You've never been dared to get one? Or maybe gotten so drunk you didn't even remember getting it?"

"If someone were to dare me and made fun of me if I said no, I'd just punch them," he answered truthfully.

Izaya quirked an eyebrow, slightly shaking his head. "Of course you would." He leaned forward, his hand on the cuffs of his jeans. He pulled them up to show his ankle, displaying the tattoo Shizuo had already seen so many times before. "It's an airplane, in case you couldn't tell. Shinra said he would throw a pie at his fiancé's face if I got a tattoo, so of course I got one. He wasn't happy about it, thinking I'd say no."

"Then why'd he make the bet?" His eyes stayed on the black outline on Izaya's ankle. It was strange to see something permanent on Izaya, something that seemed so unlike him. Izaya wouldn't mark his body on purpose, so this had to be when he was younger and more foolish. It bothered him that Shinra convinced Izaya of such a regretful mistake.

"We were playfully arguing. I told him that women don't always want a doting guy, and he argued that he wasn't, hence the bet," Izaya explained, rolling his jeans back down. "The airplane means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want. It's kind of like a reminder that I'm free to do whatever I want and won't be held down by anyone. I don't really hate it that much anymore."

Izaya seemed like he was drifting off into his thoughts. It must've been the alcohol getting to him, making him unarmed and unaware. He shook his head, turning towards Shizuo with a smirk.

"Never have I ever been in handcuffs," he drawled, gauging out Shizuo's reaction.

Shizuo didn't think he had to hide it. He took a sip of his drink, watching Izaya try to form a coherent sentence. The game was going to be significantly shorter than he originally thought. He wasn't complaining; it just meant he would have to drink less of the stinging alcohol.

"You've been arrested?" Izaya inquired, his words sounding the slightest bit slurred. No wonder he never drank.

"It's not your turn anymore."

The way Izaya's face fell was amazing in its own way because he could still see the determination in his eyes. "If you have, I'll drink to it."

Shizuo didn't even contemplate his choice before answering. "Yeah, I was arrested twice before. Both times for beating someone into the hospital," he admitted. Izaya didn't seem to take his answer as a loss. Instead, he downed his next sip without hesitation. Izaya was making this too easy.

"Go," Izaya commanded, the word being slowly dragged out in an enticing way. Shizuo tried not paying attention to the way Izaya was speaking.

"Never have I ever had a thing for any of my teachers," Shizuo blurted out, averting his gaze to the table in front of them. Originally, he wanted to phrase it a bit differently, but he was too occupied with trying his best to not get distracted. Eyeing Izaya, he knew it wasn't too bad of a mistake; Izaya was too out of it to make anything of it.

Izaya laughed, the sound slowly dissipating as the glass came closer to his lips. When he brought the glass back to where it was, Shizuo noticed that it was almost done. He reached out for the bottle, stopping before he lifted it. Izaya lifted his chin at the challenge, his smirk wider than ever.

"Of course you did something to your teachers," Shizuo mumbled, pouring the vodka into Izaya's glass until it was full again.

"Technically, I didn't really do anything. I just wanted to see what would've happened if I asked to raise my grade in a low voice, you know?"

Shizuo knew Izaya was looking at him. He knew that. That was exactly why he kept attention on his own glass. "So you seduced your teacher into raising your grades. Only a louse like you would do something so—"

"I told you, it was just an experiment."

Apparently a tipsy Izaya meant a more sensitive one too.

Shizuo didn't say anything else, and Izaya must've taken that as defeat. Izaya said his next statement, his previous hurt pushed aside by his laughter.

"Never have I ever been expelled," Izaya laughed, throwing an arm over his eyes. "A brute like you would for sure have gotten kicked out of school!"

Shizuo let his drinking be the response to Izaya's statement. He could see the curiosity flickering with the crimson in his eyes, but he didn't bother giving an explanation. Izaya didn't have to know everything— not yet, anyway.

He thought about all the times he had seen Izaya. He could vaguely remember the one time when Izaya was with Shiki, drunk and lost in kisses. Just as Shizuo had been cursing Shiki, Izaya had thrown up all over him before passing out. The look on Shiki's face had made him feel smug. 

"Never have I ever puked on someone." He could see Izaya flinch before taking a big gulp of his drink. His second glass was already halfway done, and he probably didn't even realize how large his sips were getting.

"I'm not giving you a story until you tell me," Izaya sneered, sticking his tongue out mockingly. "Tell me about your expulsion."

"I beat someone up on school property and got caught," he explained, deciding to be brief. Izaya didn't need to know that he beat his classmate up because of more than just his temper. His classmate was actually one of his cousins. "Your turn."

"I kissed someone and then almost threw up in their mouth. Sounds fun, right?" Izaya taunted, purposefully showing how vague he was being. Shizuo didn't dwell on it for too long; it didn't matter when he knew what had happened. He already had all the details.

Izaya was probably having some flashbacks of Shiki. He was already feeling more emotional than he would normally be, so he might've been reaching for the bottle to scare away the memories. Shizuo let Izaya pour another glass for himself.

A few sips of his drink later, Izaya looked up, and Shizuo could practically see the alcohol working its way into his system. "Never have I ever stalked someone."

Shizuo's breath hitched but he remained calm. Izaya couldn't have known, especially with how unguarded he was being. He had been asking questions similar to this one all night, it was just a mere coincidence. _You don't know what's really going on— you couldn't have figured it out._

He didn't raise his glass. Izaya tilted his head, the corners of his lips quirking up as if he could read the blond's mind. "Don't lie. I saw the shine in your eyes."

Shizuo could've blamed it on Izaya's not-so sober state, but he knew the latter was far from being reasoned with. Izaya believed he was stalking someone. He just had to create a story where he didn't sound like a creep.

"Fine, you got me," he gruffly admitted. "I guess I stalked someone."

"You guess?" Izaya repeated. Shizuo wasn't sure if the slowed tone was because of how much he drank or if he were simply teasing Shizuo. "Tell me, who did Shizu-chan stalk?"

"It was in high school. I went through their Instagram. Deleted my account right after."

People did that. What he said sounded plausible enough. With the look Izaya was giving him, he knew the raven didn't believe a word that came out of his mouth.

"You're lying!"

"And you're not in your right mind," Shizuo said, eyes lingering on Izaya's third empty glass. Surely that was enough for Izaya to pass out to, especially considering how thin he was and how much of a lightweight he seemed to be.

"You don't know what you're saying."

Shizuo stood up and Izaya's eyes followed. Shizuo looked down at Izaya, who smiled at him with a wide grin. Shizuo knew he couldn't stand around for much longer. He was supposed to show Izaya he _wouldn't_ do anything, not actually lose his trust.

"Come on," Shizuo grumbled, easily lifting Izaya up. Izaya began to complain, thrashing in his arms as he tried getting out. "Stay still! In just gonna lay you down on my bed. You know, so you're comfortable."

Izaya stopped squirming at his words. Whether it was because he tired himself out or he calmed at what Shizuo was saying didn't matter. Shizuo dragged Izaya to his room, slowly laying him onto the bed. Izaya was on the verge of passing out; his eyes mostly closed as he tried keeping them open. Shizuo wondered how someone could get so incoherent with just three glasses. Then again, he did have inhuman strength. That probably didn't help him understand any better.

Shizuo admired Izaya, skimming the tips of his fingers against his soft skin. When his hand made contact with the other's face, he felt Izaya unconsciously lean towards his touch. Shizuo grinned, wanting to kiss the man to show him just how affectionate he felt. He barely managed to take his hand back as he stood up from his crouched position, throwing a blanket over Izaya. Izaya would wake up and see him in another room entirely; that would show Izaya just how much he cared.

Leaving the door wide open, he walked into the bathroom to change his clothes. As he undid his bowtie, he thought about everything. Izaya was giving more of his snarky remarks, and that was a bit of a problem. While he was happy Izaya was feeling more comfortable around him, it meant that the people near them would also hear Izaya and experience his goofy faces as he teased Shizuo. He would probably have to move on with his plan soon, but he didn't want to when he and Izaya were still so distant, in a sense. He wanted Izaya to be completely comfortable with him, so comfortable that he wouldn't even blink when Shizuo told him all that he had done. Shizuo realized he didn't have much of a choice. It didn't matter. Izaya would eventually see and appreciate all that he had done; he just needed a small push in the right direction.

Shizuo walked out of the bathroom, giving Izaya one last glance. With a smile, he whispered, "You're so perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my knowledge on alcohol is literally zero :D i tried
> 
> anywhoo, next chapter is where things get....fun.  
> (edit:: oops, sorry, i mixed up the chapters... things reaallly get a bit crazy in the chapter after the next one :) sorry bout that)


	25. Let Me Protect You

  
_Peeking from behind the door frame, he watched his cousins play. He didn't know what the game console was or whatever it was they were playing— he didn't care what they were doing. Still, he watched._

_It had been years since their sister's unfortunate death, and Shizuo was now almost ten. Within the past few years, he had realized his body wasn't like other people's; he was stronger than them, for some reason. He decided to use that strength for something actually useful; he hated violence, but justice always prevailed, right?_

_He didn't bother trying to be quiet as he walked towards them, blocking their view of the TV. Shizuo stood there as the three of them glared at him._

_"Move out of the way—"_

_He kicked the guy's face. The latter fell back, clutching his nose tightly as he tried to stop the bleeding. The other two glanced at each one another before standing up, probably to beat Shizuo up._

_He wasn't hesitant anymore, he didn't care if he hurt them. He wanted to._

_One of them tried taking a swing at him, but Shizuo caught his fist and squeezed it, hearing all the bones in his hand break. His cousin cried out in pain as he fell to the floor._

_When Shizuo turned to the last one, he found him kneeling by the guy with the broken nose. Instead of using his fists, Shizuo lifted the T.V. over his head, his arms shaking a bit. He wasn't used to carrying such a heavy weight, but it was bearable— and worth it as he saw the colour fade from his cousins' faces._

_All he could remember was the T.V. hitting one of the guy's head. After that, whatever he did was forgotten from his mind, which was unfortunate; it would've been nice to remember the looks on their faces as he showed them how much he hated them._

_He could remember hearing the rushed footsteps of their parents coming to the basement and the gasps of horror that they hadn't even bothered to hide. He supposed he understood; imagine seeing three of your nephews on the floor, unconscious, as your son sat in the middle with no remorse or regret evident on his face._

_After deeming them all alive, they were rushed to the hospital. Although he was a bit upset he couldn't watch the life leave their eyes, he knew he couldn't manage to get away with all of their deaths. The guy who was hit with the T.V. had a concussion and ended up in a coma, so he didn't consider it a total loss._

_Shizuo was forced to apologize, but with the look he had on his face, they all knew he didn't mean it. He really didn't. Seeing them bloody and injured and in a state that they possibly may never wake up from was too satisfying for him to feel apologetic._

_As soon as their parents turned their backs, he grinned at his cousins. If they thought this was the worst of it, they were dead wrong._

_—_

Shizuo had ended up sleeping on the couch. He didn't want to make Izaya uncomfortable. Giving him the bed was already bound to make Izaya queasy, and he knew it was a bit of a risk, but it wasn't like that time Izaya fell asleep at the park; they were together now, so it wasn't weird to give him the bed.

Shizuo waited for Izaya to get out of bed. He was sure the latter had been awake for a while— he was an early riser, after all— but he wasn't showing his face. Shizuo didn't know why; maybe he was questioning the night, or maybe he was ashamed he passed out so quickly.

Eventually, though, Izaya did end up making his way to the living room, striding across the small room towards Shizuo with a smile.

"Morning," Izaya drawled out, leaning against the back of the couch. There was a brief pause before Izaya continued speaking. "I was in your bed."

"You were. Thought it'd be more comfortable. I slept here," Shizuo explained as he patted one of the cushions on the sofa. Shizuo grinned, eyeing Izaya in a teasing manner. "You probably don't remember anything."

Izaya didn't flinch or jolt in any way, but there was a slight dust of pink spread across his cheeks as he huffed. "I hadn't slept in a minute, okay?"

"Sure," Shizuo mocked.

For a moment, it was silent. Izaya was staring off to the side, his attention everywhere but near Shizuo. Finally, he let out a sigh and spoke up. "I also drank a bit before you showed up."

Shizuo had been expecting a lot of things, such as the lack of sleep, but he didn't think Izaya would willingly drink without him. He knew for a fact that Izaya didn't like the taste— he despised it, so he couldn't grasp onto the idea of Izaya intoxicating himself more than he needed to.

As if he could read Shizuo's mind, Izaya gave a bit more of an explanation. "I got bored. I waited for hours before you finally decided to show up."

Shizuo wondered about that. There had to be another reason. Maybe he was just scared and wanted to calm his nerves, he thought. Clearly, if that were the case, he calmed himself a bit too much with how fast he slipped out of consciousness.

"Seems like it worked out perfectly for you," Shizuo commented, shaking his head. 

"Yes, I'm sure it was hilarious for you." Izaya rolled his eyes as a smirk rose to his lips. "But I still remember everything."

Everything? What did he say that was so important for Izaya to bring it up again? He talked about his expulsion, his arrests— and then it dawned on him. _Well, shoot._

"So, Shizu-chan was a pervert in high school," Izaya snickered. Shizuo felt the heat rush to his face as he nearly hit his fist against the table. Izaya noticed and burst out laughing. "What, am I close to the truth?"

"I am _not_ a pervert," he argued. He _wasn't_ , and he also wasn't a stalker.

"Oh, I'm sure you aren't," the raven mocked, his eyes giving away the truth behind his lies. "So, tell me the story."

Shizuo blinked at that, most of his anger disappearing. "Story?"

"Of the unfortunate soul you stalked, protozoan." Izaya crawled his way across the sofa, laying his head on Shizuo's thigh. He grinned up at the blond, his smile full of mischief.

_It's not stalking._

Shizuo didn't know what to say. He thought their conversation would be done last night; he didn't think Izaya would ever bring it up again. Now that he thought about it, he had been vague— extremely so. Izaya wouldn't be satisfied with a three-word answer. He should've known—should've explained a bit more so he wouldn't have ended up in this situation.

He realized that there wasn't anything he could do anymore. With a sigh, he mustered every detail that he thought would appease Izaya but also keep the truth a secret.

"I saw them walking—"

"Was it a guy or girl?" Izaya interrupted, his grin no longer as wide once Shizuo began his explanation.

Shizuo tried to keep his anger from showing, but it was proving to be difficult. He took a deep breath before answering his love's question. "Does it matter?"

Izaya hummed, his eyes wandering as he thought about it. Shizuo thought it was funny; who did Izaya think he was fooling? They both knew that Izaya was aware of what he would say already. Izaya always was one to have a flair for the dramatic.

"I suppose it doesn't," he finally answered, eyes focusing back onto Shizuo. "Something so trivial shouldn't make the story any different, but I like information. I like knowing every small detail."

_Of course you do._

"Listen, louse, you're either gonna listen to the story that I tell or you're not gonna get anything," he threatened. He nearly face-palmed at the challenging look in the red eyes. "Got it?"

"Of course," Izaya batted his eyelashes in an innocent manner but Shizuo knew better, "Please, do go on with your story. I'll keep my life-changing questions to myself."

"You're so full of crap," he muttered a minute later, after having assessed the truth in Izaya's words. Although he didn't believe him, he had no other choice but to move on. It would be pointless to continue this conversation. 

"It's what I do!"

"So anyway," Shizuo began quickly, his hand going over Izaya's mouth. "I had a classmate, and I saw them walking one day. It was my first time seeing them, but I just felt something I hadn't felt before. It was... They were enticing, to say the least. I wanted to know more about them, and I— so I talked to them."

He cursed at himself for almost slipping up. He nearly told Izaya he watched someone just so he could know more about them. He didn't even realize he was rambling until it was too late. Luckily, he caught himself at the right moment.

"Wow, Shizu-chan. Your vocabulary expands greatly when you're in love." Izaya laughed as he reached his hand up towards the blond's face. At first, Shizuo thought he would caress and hold it gently, but all those thoughts diminished when Izaya patted his cheek harshly, another bout of laughter spilling from  
his lips. Shizuo realized his own hand had fallen from Izaya's mouth to his cheek, his thumb rubbing over the soft skin. Izaya seemed to ignore it as he continued his teasing. "Who's to say you didn't stalk me?"

Shizuo tried not to give a reaction, he really did, but those words caught him by surprise. It was just a joke, Izaya was kidding— he couldn't have known. If Izaya figured it out, he wouldn't be in Shizuo's lap, letting his supposed stalker touch his face so softly.

Izaya seemed to notice the shift in his behaviour, but before he could say anything, Shizuo decided to play off his reaction as anger.

"Shut up, flea."

That seemed to get Izaya off his case. The questioning look left his eyes, the playful glint taking over them. "You make it sound plausible."

Izaya sat up, not giving Shizuo a chance to retort. Instead, Shizuo was compelled by his confusion, reaching out for Izaya's hand. "Where you going?"

"Who knows?" he inquired. Shizuo watched silently as he got up on his feet, walking over to the front door. He slipped on his socks, then his shoes. "I could be walking towards death and neither of us would even know."

"Stop that." Shizuo ran up to him, his fingers wrapping around the thin wrist that had been reaching for the doorknob. Shizuo hated what Izaya had said, mostly because it was true; Izaya could be on his way to die, and that was what Shizuo was afraid of. That was exactly why he didn't want Izaya anywhere near the outside world. One of the reasons anyway.

"Shizu-chan?"

At his voice, he was brought back to reality. He looked down and noticed the tight grip around Izaya's wrist. Quickly, he let go, taking a step back unconsciously as Izaya tilted his head at him. He couldn't have hurt Izaya. _I would never hurt you._

"Shizu-chan?" His shoulder shook and he found Izaya staring right at him. "You're acting stranger than usual."

"I'm fine," he muttered, shrugging Izaya's hand off his shoulder as he glared at the door. "Just go on your death trip."

He didn't mean it. He didn't mean any of it. Izaya knew that. He had to have known that. He would never want to harm Izaya. He wasn't capable of ever hurting him.

"It's fun hanging around danger. You should try it sometime." Izaya opened the door, hesitating a bit before giving Shizuo a grin. "Aren't you going to say goodbye properly?"

Shizuo was confused, and upon seeing the look on his face, he could see the hesitation slowly leave Izaya. The latter grinned as he walked up to Shizuo, his arms snaking around his neck as his eyes caught Shizuo's.

Shizuo's breath hitched when the hands on his neck pushed slightly, prompting him downwards. He did so to meet Izaya's lips, feeling himself smile as he forgot about the people outside.

Izaya's lips moved in sync with his, and Shizuo had never thought of anything else to be as perfect as this. Izaya and he were perfect for each other, it was obvious in everything they did. Izaya's hands then moved down his neck to his waist, slipping underneath Shizuo's shirt. It was a light touch, but feeling Izaya's hands on his bare skin made Shizuo feel crazy. He felt himself leaning forward even more, deepening the kiss just to be closer to Izaya.

The kiss only lasted for a while, a lot shorter than Shizuo would have hoped for, but he was still feeling ecstatic. He waited for Izaya to pull his arms away and leave him, but Izaya remained where he was, his face a foot away from Shizuo's.

"I can see it," Izaya spoke up, and Shizuo caught on to those words immediately. "You're messed up in the head. I like that. It makes me feel okay with my own crazy."

Shizuo felt his heart race at Izaya's words, his hands—which somehow found their way— on Izaya's waist tightening. Izaya didn't seem to make too much out of it as he finally brought his own hands back to his sides.

Did Izaya know something was up? Did he catch Shizuo when he was watching him? Was he hiding how he really felt just to throw Shizuo off? Shizuo had so many questions, none he would ask Izaya though. Maybe Shizuo pushed his love for Izaya onto him too quickly. Whatever the reason, with the smile on Izaya's face, Shizuo didn't think he had much to worry about. Izaya seemed like he accepted him, like he was fine with the things Shizuo did. That only made the blond's work easier; he didn't have to spend much time convincing Izaya and helping him understand his love for him. 

Izaya walked back to the door, pulling the door open as he glanced back at Shizuo. "I'll be going then."

Shizuo's eyes lingered on the empty space once the door shut, his fists clenched by his sides. _I can't wait for the day you finally let me protect you._

_—_

Shizuo texted Kasuka to meet him.

Shizuo was nervous. He wiped his sweaty palms onto the front of the jeans as he sat on the bench. He had been putting off this inevitable encounter for days, but the more he waited, the more anxious and angry he got.

Kasuka was the most supportive person he knew. He was always there for Shizuo, always backing up his decisions and life choices. All except for his relationship with Izaya. Shizuo thought that Kasuka of all people would understand, he had no doubts about it.

He kept his gaze on the broken shed as he fidgeted with his fingers. He didn't think he could go through with it. He didn't even know how he would go about it. He had days to think of something, but he purposefully pushed it out of his mind. Now, it was coming back to bite him in the arse.

He stood up, shaking his head. He couldn't do this. Maybe he should just stop talking to his brother; at least then he would be alive and he wouldn't get in his way. It was a win-win situation.

Before he could even begin to step out of the park, he heard footsteps. With a sigh, he turned his head to the right to see Kasuka strolling into the abandoned park. He had been hesitant at first; after all, this was the park Izaya and he frequented at together, but he realized he didn't have to worry about Izaya waking in. Since they got together, Izaya hadn't been coming to the park at all. It probably reminded him too much of Shiki, despite Shizuo's efforts to overlap his memories with him instead.

"Brother," Kasuka greeted, his hands in his pockets as he sat down on the bench. "You wished to see me?"

Sitting down beside him, Shizuo contemplated everything in his head. Maybe Kasuka would change his mind? Maybe, if he explained it properly, Kasuka would understand everything and then there would be no need to go through with it. He was betting on Kasuka to listen and tell him everything was going to be all right.

"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you," he started, his voice a bit hesitant, but he could see the look of patience in Kasuka's eyes. "About Izaya."

"I know. Go on with it."

Shizuo felt his lips drop even lower. Kasuka sounded like he would listen but argue against it. Underneath his monotone voice, Shizuo could practically hear the annoyance.

"I love him," Shizuo confessed, knowing it wouldn't be enough for his brother. "I really do. I would do anything for him."

"I remember you saying that before. You would even kill for him, yes?" Kasuka didn't wait for an answer, choosing to continue on. "And you admitted to it."

Shizuo paused, looking away from Kasuka. He was going to tell the truth, but he couldn't bear looking at his brother's face. Shizuo didn't regret what he did and he wasn't ashamed of it, but he wanted his brother to understand. The more he didn't, the more frustrated Shizuo became.

"Yeah, I have. Once." He didn't bother telling him about having almost killed everyone Izaya knew. Kasuka had to take in bits of information before finally understanding the entire thing. "And I will continue to if I have to."

"You can't tell me you don't see anything wrong with this." Kasuka sighed as his face became the slightest bit desperate. Shizuo nearly scoffed; he was the one who was trying to do the convincing. 

"If it's for Izaya, there can't be anything wrong," Shizuo softly whispered, his hand reaching for Kasuka's. "Everything I do is for Izaya, and that makes everything okay."

"You don't love him, Shizuo. You're obsessed. It's not a healthy relationship," Kasuka tried explaining, noticing the tightening of the grip on his wrist. "What would Izaya say?"

"Izaya won't care!" He growled out, ignoring the slight flinch his brother gave. "He'll understand soon enough, and when he does, we'll both be happy together."

"And what if he doesn't?" Kasuka challenged as he ignored the pain shooting up his arm. Shizuo had never seen his brother look so angry, especially not at the blond. "What if he thinks you're some psycho and leaves you? I wouldn't be surprised if he even got a restraining order on you."

Shizuo no longer heard Kasuka's words. He heard a sickening crack and looked down to see his brother's wrist poking out in a weird direction. The crack reminded him of when he stepped on Shiki's neck. His eyes drifted off towards the shed unconsciously and felt the rage wash over him all over again.

"Face it, Shizuo, you need help," his brother continued, despite his broken wrist. "He won't love you like this."

"Shut up!"

Those words had to have been what finally set him off. He pushed his brother off the bench, shoving him onto the ground as his hand went from Kasuka's wrist to his neck. He didn't even hesitate as he tightened his grip.

"He will love me— he does love me. He'll soon realize it," Shizuo rambled, the silent gasps from Kasuka going right through his ears. "He will appreciate everything that I've done for him. He won't care for anyone else but me. His humans will become so irrelevant and his people-watching hobby will become nothing. He won't even need to go outside ever again. He doesn't need anyone but me, and he'll figure that out soon enough."

For a moment, he saw past his fury. He saw his brother and Shizuo's hands around his neck. His grip loosened, but then Izaya's smile filled his head. Kasuka was trying to take that away from him— Kasuka was trying to keep Izaya away.

Once again, his fingers tightened. He felt his brother kick up and swat his hands away, but to no avail. There was no point and he knew that. Eventually, Kasuka stopped resisting, but his eyes still pleaded for something. Through his rage, Shizuo could see that he wasn't begging for his life but something else. Shizuo was too out of it to figure out what it really was.

He just knew nobody was going to get in the way of his and Izaya's love. Nobody was going to get in his way.

He sat back a moment later, falling a few feet back from Kasuka as he stared up at the sky. His fingers clenched on the grass as he felt the anger still running through his veins. Closing his eyes, he felt his back hit the ground as he tried to normalize his breathing.

It took him a minute, but he got his heart rate back to the closest thing to normal. When he opened his eyes, everything rushed back to him. He had really gone through with it— he had really taken his brother's life.

Shizuo dared to glance at the lifeless body. This time was different from Shiki and his cousin — he felt saddened by his brother's passing, but he still didn't feel any guilt or remorse.

Sitting up, his breathing quickened. His brother was gone and it was because of him. Even though he didn't feel any regret, he still felt a bit freaked out.

For a moment, he entertained the thought of Izaya questioning his actions. What would Izaya say about what he's done? Would he ever want to be with a murderer? Shizuo didn't think that mattered to Izaya very much; after all, he had been with an executive for the Yakuza. A killer was less threatening than someone like Shiki.

None of that mattered. He knew he had nothing to worry about. Izaya would understand. Izaya would get it. He would love Shizuo all the same, not even thinking twice about Shizuo's actions. Izaya always wanted someone to look out and care for him, so that was what Shizuo was going. Izaya would see that and embrace him with open arms.

Looking at the body, he felt a bit nauseous. He didn't want to burn it or anything, so, with a grimace, he picked Kasuka up gently and walked over to the broken-down shed. Nobody came to this park anymore, not even Izaya. Nobody would notice Kasuka here.

Carefully, he opened the half-broken door and placed Kasuka on the floor, finding some broken pieces of the wall over him to cover it up.

Taking a step back, Shizuo was barely able to see Kasuka poking out from under the wood, and with the door closed, Kasuka was practically invisible. Satisfied, he left the park.

The more he did for Izaya, the more desperate he became for him. He loved Izaya more with everything he did for him. He didn't know why; maybe it was because he constantly proved to himself just how much Izaya meant to him.

Shizuo smiled as he felt himself blend into the crowd. Any negative feelings he had of killing Kasuka were gone and replaced with the warm feeling the thought of Izaya brought. He really couldn't wait until it was only the two of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it seems like i had the chapters a bit mixed up... the actual ending starts in the next chapter. oops sorry about that :)


	26. Everything's Fine

_He woke up to shouting._

_It was late at night— extremely late— but the loud noises jolted him out of his sleep. Rubbing his eyes in a daze, he tried finding the source of the loud noise. Once his mind cleared a bit, he glared at the door after realizing the cause of his problem hid behind it._

_He tiptoed across his room, careful not to make any noise. He and Kasuka shared a room for now, so he didn't want to disturb his little brother, who managed to sleep past all the noise._

_He shut his door as soon as he opened it, not wanting to bring the light of his hallway into his room lest Kasuka woke up from that._

_The shouting got louder by the second. Crouching by the staircase, he looked around for his parents, who seemed to be arguing. He couldn't understand what the dispute was about; something about banks or stocks, if he heard correctly. He only listened, hearing his mother's cries grow desperate as his father only shook his head._

_It was odd to see them fighting. They always acted so happy— or_ had _acted so happy. Thinking back at it, he realized that the smiles they had shared between each other stopped a long time ago. Their conversations were also much more passive-aggressive, and sometimes, a silence would take over as they just gave each other looks. He didn't know what all that meant, but seeing them argue now, he could only guess that they were trying to get on each other's nerves._

_His father seemed to grow frustrated and angry. It didn't look like he even knew what he was saying, let alone doing. As they both argued, they had somehow ended up in the kitchen, his mother turning her back on his father to keep him from seeing her own anger. She began fidgeting with the things around her; she grabbed the knife resting on the cutting board and began cutting cucumbers before walking to the cabinets as she peered in, looking for nothing._

_Shizuo walked down the stairs quietly, his feet not making a sound. He had grown taller once he entered his teen years. He may have only been thirteen, but he got his growth spurt early._

_He was now downstairs, hiding behind the walls as he glanced into the kitchen. It seemed like his mother stopped replying to whatever his father was saying, just shaking her head sombrely._

_That must've been when his father snapped. Shizuo saw how there was a sudden fire in his eyes as his rage compelled him to grab his wife's wrist, stopping her from her cutting. Shizuo didn't know what to expect, but he definitely didn't think his father would've grabbed the knife from her hands. Shizuo could only watch, horrified, as his father stabbed his mother in the stomach._

_He didn't even remember moving, let alone ending up at his mother's side, but he did. He had crouched beside her, holding her hands shakily in his. His other hand was on her stomach, bloody, and desperately trying to stop the red from spilling out._

_"Don't leave," he cried out in a voice that was just above a whisper. It was strange; he had taken his cousin's life, so why was his reaction to his mother dying different? He didn't understand and didn't bother trying to. He just begged her to stay, to be better._

_He realized his heart hurt. He loved his mother so much. She had done a lot for him. She held his hand whenever he was at the hospital with another broken bone, and he always felt so much better, so he wanted to give her the same feeling. He wanted her to be okay again, but he didn't think it was working._

_His mother's hand, the one that wasn't in his, reached up, touching his cheeks. She caressed his tears away, giving him a smile as she had always done before. When he looked into her eyes, he saw no regret, as if she were okay with leaving him all alone._

_"I see your love for me, Shizuo," she whispered. "Go give that love and passion to someone who deserves it. Protect them like you've protected me all this time. Never let them go."_

_"Mum," he sobbed out, not caring about the ugly sounds that he let out. He felt gross with the tears mixing with his snot, but he didn't focus much on that. All he could think about was his mother leaving him. How could she?_

_"Your heart's too sensitive for you to handle another loss." Her hand dropped from his cheek to his fingers that were wrapped around hers. "But it's also too sensitive to be left alone."_

_"Then don't leave—"_

_"I have... to." She smiled up at him, her thumb caressing the top of his hand reassuringly. "Like I said, go love someone endlessly."_

_And then she was gone. He could only stare as he trembled, holding her hands. Turning his head, he saw his father in shock, looking down at his dead wife with widened eyes. Shizuo didn't know what he was feeling or doing, he didn't even remember reaching for the knife on his mother's stomach or pulling it out._

_Standing up, he sauntered to his father, his mother's face as the life left her eyes clear in his mind. He was then stabbing his father the same way the latter had done to his own wife. He watched him fall to the ground, holding the bleeding area as he gasped. Not once did his father ask Shizuo to call for help or for him to stop. He passed out before Shizuo could realize what he did._

_Eventually, the ambulance was here. Nobody knew what happened or what he did, he just told them his father killed his mum before stabbing himself. They seemed to believe it as they laid white sheets over the both of them, dragging them away on a stretcher._

_A nurse tried to clean the blood from his hands with a cloth, but he screamed at her to get away. She did, thinking he just needed a moment to process everything. In a sense, he did. All he could do was stare down at his hand. It was his mum's blood. The crimson red was all he had left for her. He didn't think he could ever forget the colour of her blood. Clenching his fist, he watched the red flow down his hands as he held it up._

_And then there was his father. He loved his dad as much as he loved his mum. He was just so mad, he wasn't thinking straight. He did love his dad a lot. He hurt someone he cared for more than anything, and the thought of that ached him._

_If his mum were hurting his dad, if she pulled the knife in him, he would have the same reaction. He would cry over his father's body and end up taking his mum's life in his rage._

_It didn't matter which one of them he killed, the point was that he hurt someone he loved. He looked down at his hands. He really hated violence. What if he did the same in the future? What if he severely hurt someone he loved? It was now his new fear; he was afraid of injuring a loved one._

_At that moment, he promised to find someone to love and to cherish them like they were his forever. He would love them endlessly and over anything, just like his mother asked him to._

_—_

Shizuo hadn't seen Izaya in a few days. After what Izaya said, he didn't think he could, especially not after what happened with Kasuka.

At the moment his fingers were wrapped around Kasuka's neck, he hadn't really thought about what he was doing. Izaya was the only thing that ever occupied his mind— his top priority. While he didn't necessarily regret what he did, he was still a bit freaked out. He had loved his brother, he really had, so having killed him wasn't what he wanted. However, Kasuka was trying to get in between his and Izaya's love. If anyone tried coming between them, it didn't matter who it was, he wouldn't tolerate it. He would be the last one standing, even if it meant he had to stand alone.

So, he strayed from Izaya. Every time he thought about him, he couldn't help but remember the life in Kasuka's eyes slowly fade as he tried to keep holding onto his life. Shizuo didn't think he could handle it. He knew it was a ridiculous thought; Izaya always made him feel better, so why hadn't he gone and sought him out?

As he sat on the bathroom floor, leaning against the wall and looking through his most prized possessions, he couldn't think of an answer. He didn't know why he was avoiding Izaya, he just knew that he was. He didn't want to, he really didn't, which was why he decided to go through the photos in his box. Maybe if he started from the bottom and slowly got used to seeing Izaya again, he would actually be able to see his love.

His fingers gently traced over Izaya's sleeping face in the photo, a smile working its way up to his lips. He knew seeing Izaya would make him feel so much better, and this had just proven it. It was absurd to think that anything changed; Izaya was still the man he loved, and Shizuo was still the only one for him.

The doorbell rang, the sound faint from where he sat, and he immediately knew who it was. It was clearly a sign; once he regained his senses and remembered just how much of an effect the raven had on him, Izaya came running to him. He believed Izaya understood him better than anyone, whether it was the actions he was aware of or the unconscious of his mind. Izaya always knew when he was needed.

He hastily put everything back in the box, eager to see more than just a photo. The doorbell rang again as he hurriedly pushed the tile back to its place. He jumped off the closed toilet seat, practically running towards his front door. As soon as he opened it, Izaya's smiling face greeted him, a hand up to wiggle those lithe fingers.

"Shizu-chan!" Izaya walked into the apartment, shrugging off his jacket as he threw it onto Shizuo's couch before sitting there himself. The latter rolled his eyes, shutting the door as he tried to keep the excitement and happiness he felt contained. 

"Izaya," he growled out, sitting next to the love of his life. "What are you doing here?"

"Aw, didn't Shizu-chan miss me?" he whined, giving a mock pout before he stuck his tongue out. "I'm surprised you're even here. Don't you have work?"

Shizuo grimaced, his face scowling a bit. He didn't want Izaya to think he was upset because of him— Shizuo would never get into a foul mood because of Izaya— so he turned his face away from him, hoping to hide his anger.

"I was fired," he forced out through gritted teeth, his fists subconsciously clenching as he thought about the sudden loss of his job all over again. He felt his paranoia rise, and he most likely would've gone crazy had Izaya not been here to distract him.

"Does that mean you're not going to serve me coffee anymore? Tragic." Izaya shrugged, his arms thrown in the air for theatrics. "Maybe now I can actually enjoy my mornings."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Shizuo turned his attention back to Izaya, his fingers wrapping themselves around the latter's wrist. "You saying my coffee's terrible?"

"No, no, Shizu-chan, once again, you missed the point by a mile." Izaya sighed as his other hand came up to pry off Shizuo's fingers. "It's your beastly presence."

"Say that again, louse, I dare you!" He lunged towards the other end of the couch, his hands reaching out for Izaya's neck. He only let himself throw his body across the sofa because he knew Izaya would move out of the way, and he was right. Izaya simply stood up and sat down where Shizuo was barely a moment ago.

The corners of Izaya's mouth quirked up when he heard Shizuo's angry pants. "What, did you think it would be that easy?"

"Why, you—"

"What's on TV?" Izaya grabbed the remote from the coffee table, switching the TV on as he completely ignored Shizuo's rage. He must've gotten bored of the channels, thinking they were too boring. Shizuo knew he wouldn't find anything he liked. While Izaya was a complex character, he probably needed a break from his master mind, which was most likely why he watched the least thought-provoking shows, such as children's cartoons.

"Shut up," Shizuo muttered, snatching the remote out of his lover's hand. Izaya let him, sighing loudly as he leaned against the sofa. As Shizuo found a movie to play in the background—one he knew neither of them would pay attention to— Izaya let out another annoying sigh. Shizuo turned to him, his eyes narrowing. "What is it?"

"You know, when I brought up work, I already knew you were fired," Izaya admitted, a small smirk making its way to his lips once he saw Shizuo's confused gaze.

"How did you—"

"You think I wouldn't notice you not being there for your shift? Wow, I didn't think you had such little faith in me. You wound me, Shizu-chan!" Izaya brought a hand over his heart, the other going to his forehead. His dramatic actions didn't last too long, for he brought them back to his lap and continued on, and with how quickly he brought his attention back to Shizuo, he definitely noticed the blond's eye roll. "Anyway, I brought it up because I thought you would be a gentleman."

"Huh?" Shizuo needed a moment to process the information, but by the time he got it, it seemed like it was too late.

"I thought you would get in the kitchen, protozoan." Izaya's shoulders hunched as he leaned forward. "What kind of lover are you if you can't even make me coffee?"

"I'm not making you coffee. You seem hyper enough as it is," he pointed out, ignoring Izaya as he feigned hurt. "Besides, I don't have to do that anymore. It's not my job."

"How considerate of you." Izaya shook his head as he averted his attention to the TV, tilting his head. Shizuo could see him thinking as he pretended to watch what was playing. Shizuo waited for him to speak up, but it seemed like he was slowly getting lost in his thoughts.

"I'll make you tea or something in a bit." Each word Shizuo said felt like a rock, his tone getting heavier with each syllable he spoke. It wasn't because he didn't want to make coffee for Izaya— he would do anything for him, but because he knew how bad coffee was for one's health, and despite the cautions Izaya took when he ate, Shizuo could still see the unhealthy things he was doing to his body. He wouldn't mind letting him have tea though since he didn't want Izaya to be mad at him; he only ever wanted to make Izaya smile and feel loved.

Izaya snapped out of his thoughts, eyes falling onto the blond. He stared for a minute before he burst out laughing, his arm clutching his stomach. Shizuo felt a little embarrassed, but he didn't know why. It wasn't like he had a reason to be. He was just trying to be the considerate person he always tried to be for Izaya.

"You know what? Okay, sure, make me tea or even just bring me water. You truly are unpredictable."

Shizuo hid his smirk. All these months, he had been trying to convince Izaya that his actions were hard to read. He knew he got Izaya to fall into that line of thinking, but to hear him admit it was reassuring. He felt victorious when he heard those words.

"I'm going to use the bathroom." Izaya stood up, a smile on his face as he looked down at Shizuo. "You have that much time to impress me with your tea."

Shaking his head, he watched Izaya go down the hall and into the bathroom. He stayed seated on the couch for a minute, letting himself think about everything. As he mindlessly watched TV, he couldn't help the smile that crawled its way to his lips. Everything just felt so right at the moment. He had Izaya with him, which was all he had ever wanted. The only unfortunate thing right now was the fact that the public was exposed to Izaya. He would change that soon enough when Izaya trusted him just a little bit more. There was a higher chance of him understanding everything if he fully trusted Shizuo.

Shizuo could wait. While he did hate everything and everyone eyeing Izaya, he had to be patient. They both had their entire lives in front of them, there was no need to rush. An entire lifetime with Izaya seemed so surreal, but at the moment, it felt so realistic.

He was proud of himself for not making any impulsive decisions recently. He had everything under control and going his way. He guessed that it was just the universe's way of apologizing for all the times that it made his life a lot more difficult than it needed to be. If this were how things were going to end up, he didn't mind accepting the apology.

Leaning back on the couch, his eyes drifted to the clock. Izaya usually never took this long in the bathroom, maybe only two to three minutes. He complained about the uncleanliness of the place, especially when it wasn't his own. Yet it had been more than a couple minutes; almost five minutes had gone by of Shizuo being trapped in his thoughts.

Shizuo waited another sixty seconds, his foot anxiously tapping the ground with his eyes glued to the clock. Once an exact minute had passed, he reached underneath his sofa and pulled out his laptop. His laptop was always wandering around; sometimes it was in his room, other times in his kitchen, but luckily, it had been at a convenient place when he needed it.

Typing in his password and the software program he needed to go on, he opened the feed. Shizuo had installed cameras all over his place when he first moved in, just to be safe. He never got rid of them, and after he met Izaya, he didn't feel the need to. He knew they would come in handy one day if he ever needed to check on Izaya. It seemed like today was the day.

Clicking on the feed for the bathroom, he saw Izaya standing on the closed toilet seat. For a moment, Shizuo was a bit confused, wondering what his love was doing. Then his eyes found the misplaced tile on the ceiling. Shizuo felt his mouth go dry; why was Izaya reaching up there? Shizuo was always so careful, he couldn't have made a mistake— not now of all times. He was meticulous in every decision he made, even his impulsive ones. He had just been looking through the contents of the box right before Izaya showed up and he—- _oh._ Nervously, his fingers drummed against the laptop. He _hadn't_ been careful. When he heard the doorbell earlier today, he knew it was Izaya, and in his eagerness, he must've not replaced the tile properly. _Stupid._

Shizuo could only stare as Izaya sighed, standing on the tips of his toes as he fully pushed the tile aside, reaching around for something. The raven-haired man must've been debating what to do, Shizuo concluded, which was why he was taking so long in the bathroom. It seemed like he let his curiosity get the best of him.

His heart was beating out of his chest. It was a similar feeling from whenever he kissed Izaya or whenever he caught a glimpse of his smile, except this time, he didn't feel butterflies swimming in his stomach; he felt them eating away at his intestines.

As he watched Izaya step off the toilet with the box in his hands, Shizuo realized there wasn't anything he could do. By the time he made it to the bathroom, Izaya would've already gotten a glance at the contents. He would've been too late and Izaya would've known that he was being watched. So, for now, he only observed Izaya and decided to see how he would react to everything.

He told himself it would be fine. Izaya opening then box wasn't that big of a deal, he told himself. It was difficult though as he intently kept his eyes on Izaya's figure, trying his best to decipher his reactions.

The lid was off and Izaya seemed confused at first, his head tilting to the side out of habit as he peered at the objects inside. He then looked freaked out for a moment, pulling the pictures out of the box. Shizuo bit the inside of his cheek as Izaya went through all the photos of himself, his face growing less and less amused with each picture.

Moments later, he set the photos aside, and Shizuo noticed his hands were a bit shakier than before. The blond could feel himself grimacing, realizing it really was too soon for Izaya to find out about this. He knew that, but he really couldn't do anything about it now.

Izaya pulled out the red toothbrush next, his fingers ghosting over the sticky note dating _April 10_ on it. Shizuo could practically see Izaya remembering the time he slept over at Shizuo's the first time.

He hastily dropped the toothbrush, pulling out a tissue that seemed to be tied. Shizuo knew what that was and prepared himself as Izaya untied it. Whatever curiosity Izaya seemed to have in the beginning was completely gone as he stared at the tissue, confused. Shizuo really hoped he didn't figure out that it was the cupcake Izaya spat out a while ago.

Sighing, Shizuo shut his laptop off as he stood up, walking towards the kitchen to make them both tea. He couldn't help but feel giddy as he opened the pill over Izaya's cup, watching the powder slowly dissipate as he mixed the tea.

While he didn't consider this as the universe punishing him again, he wasn't exactly happy with the way things turned out. He wanted Izaya to be comfortable around him before he had to do this, but it didn't seem like he had any other choice. At least now he could have Izaya away from everyone's eyes. That had been the last thing missing from his perfect dream. Izaya would soon understand.

Just as he placed the tray holding the two cups onto the coffee table, he heard the bathroom door open. He did his best to remain neutral as he sat back down on the couch, carefully watching Izaya's every move as he walked towards him.

"Oh, you really made tea?"

Izaya took a seat on the couch beside him. Izaya seemed normal, but Shizuo knew better. Anyone else wouldn't have noticed the slight distance Izaya created when he sat a bit farther from Shizuo than usual. Anybody else wouldn't have noticed the strain behind Izaya's smile or the way his eyes subtly landed on the door not too far from them.

"Yeah," Shizuo responded as he picked up his own tea. "You took some time in the bathroom. Thought some tea would clean your guts or whatever."

"My, how thoughtful," Izaya teased as he tightly gripped at the cup to keep it from shaking. Shizuo tried his best not to stare too intently when Izaya finally took a sip. "I'm afraid my client's been bugging me about getting his information in. I'm going to have to leave my Shizu-chan early!"

His tone and words were a bit off. Shizuo wouldn't be easily fooled, and with the way Izaya desperately tried finishing his tea as quickly as possible, he knew seeing the box had shaken Izaya up more than he thought it would.

"Didn't wanna see your face for a second longer anyway," he mumbled, his lips touching the rim of his cup. He could see Izaya's movement become more sluggish by the second.

"You wound me!" Izaya cried out, his words slurring slightly. He seemed to have noticed his body slowly shutting down, for he stood up abruptly, giving Shizuo a sharp smile. "Well, I best be on my way."

Shizuo stood up right after. Izaya took a hesitant step back, but his eyes were too droopy and his mind was too slow to catch himself. Shizuo brought his arms around the other's waist, pulling him up towards Shizuo's chest. Izaya must've realized what was happening, but he couldn't do anything. His pushes against Shizuo's arms to release him were futile and his attempts were becoming weaker by the second. Shizuo briefly wondered why Izaya didn't try pulling a knife on him before throwing the thought away; it would've been pointless anyway.

Shizuo tried shushing the whimper and protests coming out of Izaya's mouth. He didn't like the scared look that Izaya donned on his face when Shizuo brushed aside a strand of his hair from his eyes. He frowned, but quickly smiled to reassure Izaya.

"Don't worry," he whispered as he sat on the couch, still holding Izaya close. "I'm not going to hurt you."

He caressed Izaya's cheek as he watched his love slowly lose consciousness, the crimson finally disappearing as his eyes closed. Shizuo smiled down lovingly, leaning down to give Izaya a kiss on his forehead. _Everything is fine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soo this is the beginning of the end!
> 
> annndd as for the chapter count, it is thirty! it was going to be twenty-nine, but i ended up splitting a chapter into two so yeah. im sure its not going to change this time


	27. Because I Love You

Shizuo couldn't lie, he was nervous.

Currently, he sat across from an unconscious Izaya. The latter was in handcuffs, something Shizuo had managed to steal a long time ago when he was arrested. He never knew it would come in handy.

The floor was cold underneath him, as expected of an unfinished basement. The basement was in his late parents' house. The house was his after their passing, and originally, he had planned to sell it off and get its profit, but Kasuka convinced him otherwise, saying something about having too many memories here. Again, he never knew it would ever come in handy, but he was glad he didn't just pass it off to Kasuka or sell it like he had intended to. He was glad Kasuka decided to pay the bills for the house, too. Even though he was gone, his cards were still running.

He had bound Izaya to one of the poles, the handcuffs preventing him from moving. He felt awful; he didn't want Izaya to be so uncomfortable, but he had no other choice. For now, he just had to make sure that Izaya was calm. The most he could for his physical comfort was slide a pillow underneath him so the stone floor didn't cause him too much pain. He also didn't tie down Izaya's legs; he knew he would try kicking him, but Izaya would be too uncomfortable if they were restrained. Besides, there wasn't much he could do with them to get through the handcuffs.

His fingers drummed against the floor as he waited for Izaya to wake up. Izaya would be confused, which he could understand, but he really had no idea what he would say to convince him. He always knew Izaya would understand all the things Shizuo did, but he never really thought about helping Izaya comprehend everything. It was fine though; they both would figure it out eventually.

Despite Izaya's front, he was bound to panic. He would either go hysterical or he would just stare at him with eyes that would make Shizuo feel the slightest bit guilty. Or both. Shizuo hoped he was wrong and that Izaya would actually accept him with open arms right off the bat. Hopeful thinking would get him nowhere though.

A groan filled the silence and Shizuo shook all the thoughts out of his head. He watched Izaya's movements intently, waiting for the other to fully regain consciousness, but he didn't move. Shizuo had a feeling he would pretend to be asleep, but as much as he wanted Izaya to rest, he knew he couldn't allow that. They had to talk.

"Izaya," he called out, scooting a bit towards him. That seemed to get Izaya to jolt his head up at him. His eyes narrowed as he kicked his leg up, the blond moving out of the way at the last second. Shizuo frowned, not expecting a response this malicious. He reached out, wanting to comfort him, but Izaya only ratted the handcuffs against the pole as if he were desperately trying to get away. Shizuo retracted his hand and Izaya stopped his squirming.

The latter didn't say anything, only letting his eyes bore holes into Shizuo's head. He could feel the intensity melt away the little bit of confidence and courage Shizuo had.

"I know you're confused," Shizuo started, not being able to handle Izaya's glare for much longer. It really hurt to have the one you love look at you with such hatred, even if he knew Izaya didn't mean it. "And I can answer whatever questions you may have."

Again, there was no response except for Izaya turning his head to the side, glowering at the wall instead. Shizuo let out a quiet sigh as his eyes dropped to the floor, knowing this would take a while.

"I'm not going to hurt you, really. I don't even want you tied up, but I have to until I get you to fully get what I'm saying," Shizuo explained in a quiet voice, afraid that if his voice were any louder, it would scare Izaya even more. "So, if you—"

"Shut up."

Shizuo did. He had never heard Izaya sound so harsh before. Izaya was always full of laughs and teasing and degrading tones. Shizuo wanted that Izaya, he just wanted everything to be okay and back to normal. He knew it would come soon enough, but he didn't want to wait.

For now, though, he kept quiet as Izaya's attention was back onto him, his eyes following Shizuo's every movement. Shizuo let him do as he pleased, thinking it could bring Izaya some kind of calm.

Finally, the silence was broken. The two's eyes were on each other. Izaya's eyes softened and his voice seemed smooth, but Shizuo could hear the threaten of a waver.

"You drugged me."

Shizuo hesitated to nod. Instead, he confessed, "I did."

"But why?" Izaya asked, exasperated, his eyes screaming the question he could barely ask. Shizuo wanted to tell him everything, but he knew he couldn't. Izaya wouldn't be able to handle it all at once, he knew that. It took a lot of restraint to keep himself from lunging forward and holding Izaya close in his arms.

Shizuo knew if he explained even just a little bit, he would end up rambling and spilling everything. With a sigh, he shrugged. "Why do you think?"

"You're crazy, that's why," he said through gritted teeth. It was strange to see Izaya so upset, but Shizuo knew he wasn't genuinely mad. He would get over it soon enough once everything made sense to him. For now, though, he had to bear through Izaya's glare. "You're so deprived, you had to kidnap someone. I can see why no one gave you a chance."

Shizuo knew he shouldn't say anything, especially with how riled up Izaya was getting, but he couldn't help it. "But you did, didn't you?"

He regretted the words before they even left his mouth. He had never seen Izaya's eyes narrow as much as they did at this moment. "That's because I didn't know. You pretended to be someone else."

"I'm still me, Izaya." Shizuo was getting desperate. It didn't matter how many times he told himself to be patient, he just wanted Izaya to see everything through his perspective. "I'm still the guy who served you coffee."

"You know what? You're right," Izaya admitted. "You're just so manipulative, which was why I didn't see it sooner."

Izaya looked to the side, his gaze falling onto the floor. Shizuo kept his mouth shut as he let Izaya regain his thoughts and composure. It was silent for a few minutes, and Shizuo would've been fine with it, had the love of his life not been trying to look at anything but him.

With his eyes still downcast, Izaya finally let out a whisper. "You... You really are a monster."

Shizuo said nothing to that. He kept his attention on Izaya, but that didn't mean the words didn't hurt. Izaya didn't mean it, but it was pretty convincing with the way Izaya looked at him. It took a lot of his rational side to not let his anger get the best of him.

Izaya then burst out laughing. "Wow, and I thought I was messed in the head. Come on, Shizu-chan, who knew you would be so crazy?"

The blond let Izaya have his moment. It would slowly get to him— the realization would soon seep into Izaya's words and he would begin to understand. Shizuo just had to be patient.

"You really are a stalker," Izaya stated, a smile working its way up to his lips. It wasn't genuine— more bemused than anything. "Who knew you would be so unpredictable?"

This was how Izaya coped. He pretended to be amused, to not be afraid, but he was probably terrified. He just didn't want to admit it, because if he did, he would have to accept reality.

"I can't even call you a psychopath," Izaya mumbled, biting his bottom lip nervously. "Just tell me one thing. I know I asked before, but I want a straight answer."

Shizuo straightened up, leaning forward by instinct. Izaya had always drawn him closer. "Yeah, of course, anything."

For a split second, Izaya grimaced at his words, but before Shizuo could think too hard about it, Izaya was speaking again. " _Why_?"

Shizuo froze. He really hadn't been wanting to answer this question, but he supposed he had no other choice. He decided to feign ignorance to prolong the inevitable, blinking as his brows furrowed. Just as he expected, Izaya must've seen his confusion because he was rolling his eyes. Shizuo could see that it was more for theatrics than actual annoyance. He just wanted to keep things as normal as he possibly could.

"Why... do all this?" he rephrased, his voice a little hesitant, but clear enough for Shizuo to pass it off as initial confusion. "Why go through all this trouble just so you could kidnap me? Why didn't you just drug me weeks before? Actually, you didn't even have to drug me. Why not take me sooner?"

 _Because I love you,_ he wanted to say, but instead, he paused before answering, knowing that it would take just one sentence to freak Izaya out, and then it would be a lot harder to calm him down. With a sigh, he thought up of an answer.

"I needed you to trust me first—"

"So after I told you everything," he interrupted, not the slightest bit sorry that he cut Shizuo off, "After I told you just how much I struggle whenever I see someone more than just one of my humans, you still did this. Wow, you took manipulation to a whole other level."

Shizuo's eyes narrowed. " _I_ didn't manipulate you to do anything. I never wanted your affection for me to be a weapon against you, but you have to see, I had no other choice. Shiki was practically—"

"Shiki," Izaya whispered in a questioning voice. Shizuo growled, hating how Izaya was still saying his name. Through his anger, he made sure to keep an eye on Izaya though. He watched the other's eyes widen as his mouth fell agape. "It was— It was you."

"Huh? I—"

"You killed him." Izaya's voice was just above a whisper, but his words still rang in Shizuo's ears as if he had screamed. Those mere words got the blond silent as he let Izaya process the revelation. "Who else did you kill?"

"No one," he lied, feeling guilty already. He didn't want to hide the truth from Izaya, but Shizuo was aware that the information might have been hard to process. In due time, Izaya would know everything. "I told you, he left me with no other choice!"

Izaya just turned his head to the side again, which made Shizuo slightly upset. He didn't like it when Izaya tried to pretend he wasn't there, but he supposed it was better than Izaya completely ignoring him. After all, Izaya never got to see Shiki's toxic traits for himself; he was bound to be saddened. Shizuo just hoped he would be able to see through everything quickly so Shizuo could unchain his love and they could be happy.

He decided to answer Izaya's previous question, seeing as the latter had nothing else to say. "Like I said, I needed you to trust me. I didn't plan on bringing you here so quickly, but then you found the box and I had to do what I thought was best."

"You had cameras in the bathroom." It wasn't a question. "What, were they to watch me? How much of a pervert can one guy be?"

"I had them installed for a complete different reason and never got around to getting rid of them. I checked on you because you were taking a lot longer than you normally would," he explained, regretting his last few words. Now Izaya would freak out because Shizuo knew his toilet schedule.

If Izaya noticed, he didn't say anything. He seemed to think that anything creepy now was just another star in the sky. He still glared at Shizuo though.

"But why kidnap me in the first place?" Izaya rattled the handcuffs against the pole, growing even angrier when they didn't seem to loosen up. "Why keep me captive?"

"You're perfect." Shizuo grinned without hesitation, thinking his explanation was more than enough. Izaya's face said otherwise. "Your smile is so amazing. The world doesn't deserve to see it."

"Oh, and you do?" Izaya rolled his eyes after his sarcastic remark. "You really couldn't have just left our relationship be as it was? You had to ruin it by doing all this?"

"I didn't ruin anything!" Shizuo scooted closer to him, the scraping against his knees almost non-existent. "I love you, Izaya. I did this for us— I did this for you."

Izaya spat on him, but Shizuo didn't move away. He reached his hand out, his fingers just grazing over the skin of Izaya's cheek. He ignored the other's flinch, focusing on how Izaya was finally away from all the prying eyes. Izaya was his and only his.

"I'll make you happy," he promised in a quiet voice lest he startled Izaya. "I will show you just how much you mean to me."

"While this was entertaining at first, it's getting boring now. Why don't you untie me and I'll show you just how I feel about you," Izaya snarled, jerking his head away. Shizuo sighed, finally backing off.

"I know this is hard for you," he spoke with a quiet voice. Izaya stared with downcast eyes, his gaze fixated on the floor. Shizuo let himself smile. "But you'll understand soon enough. You'll see just how happy I can make you."

Shizuo stood up, and as he did, he could feel Izaya's eyes follow his every movement. He looked down at him, his hand caressing the top of his raven head. "I'll let you calm down for a bit. I have to go now, but I'll be back. I swear."

Izaya's eyebrows furrowed, his mouth twitching as he tried thinking of a response. Only when Shizuo turned around did Izaya speak.

"Wait, Shizu-chan!"

Shizuo hated how he had to ignore Izaya. He wanted to spend all day talking to him and just being near him, but he, unfortunately, had some business to do with the outside world. Some things needed to be cleared up and his tracks needed to be covered. He had to make sure nobody would be able to trace Izaya back here.

He put on his jacket, slipping his phone and wallet into his pockets.

"Shizu-chan!" Izaya called out again, but Shizuo didn't look back— he couldn't because he knew that if he did, he wouldn't be able to look away from Izaya's pleading eyes. He really did hate not being able to properly say goodbye, and the noise of Izaya pulling against the handcuffs didn't lessen his guilt. "Shizuo— hey!"

It had been a while since Izaya had said his full name, and he had to admit, it was nice. His name belonged nowhere else but on Izaya's tongue.

While he refused to look back at Izaya, he still bid him farewell as he reached the exit.

"I'll be back, love."

—

The first thing Shizuo did was make his way to Izaya's apartment. He had a feeling Shinra would be there — he was counting on it. All he had to do was pretend that he was checking up on Izaya and surprised at his disappearance. It hadn't been too long since he finally got Izaya to himself, but it had been long enough for Shinra to question his whereabouts.

Slowly, he walked up to Izaya's door, giving a few knocks before trying to open it. Shinra must've left it open, he thought as he walked in. He heard some rummaging in Izaya's room, so he decided to check there first.

"Shinra?" he questioned, his knuckles rapping on the door before he stepped in. Just as he expected, Shinra was flipping Izaya's room upside down, trying to look for a clue. "What are you doing?"

Shinra was in the closet, throwing all of Izaya's clothes out as he frantically searched for something to indicate that Izaya was okay. "Shizuo?"

Shizuo crouched beside Shinra, scanning through the area of Izaya's walk-in closet. There wouldn't be anything here; Shinra was wasting his time. "Why are you making a mess?"

"Izaya hasn't been answering his phone," Shinra explained, his arms no longer throwing everything around. Instead, he sighed, his arms resting by his side. "He wouldn't have happened to reply to you, hm?"

Right, Izaya's phone. Shizuo had a feeling that Izaya had left it at his place, but he wasn't too sure. He would check as soon as he was done here.

Shizuo shook his head, feigning ignorance and concern. "No. I came here to see if he were all right, but... I don't know what to think."

"He probably just disappeared again," Shinra tried reassuring, probably more to himself than Shizuo. "He does that a lot. It's just strange for him to leave so suddenly and so soon. He left barely a month ago."

"He must have a lot on his mind."

Shizuo looked to the side as he grinned. He didn't know what excuse to give to Shinra when he first got here; he only planned to make something up, but Shinra had given him the perfect explanation. This wasn't anything strange. Izaya left at random times, this wouldn't be any different. Once Shinra realized that Izaya is, in fact, missing and not on some retreat, Izaya would come to terms with Shizuo's actions and understand everything the blond did for him. They both would leave this place together, somewhere far away from everyone. Izaya wouldn't need to see anyone ever again.

"That is true," Shinra's voice trailed off as his eyes wandered the room. "Something just feels off about all of this. He usually replies to his texts, you know?"

Shizuo sat silently, letting Shinra think aloud. After all, it was better for Shinra to state all his doubts so Shizuo could debunk them all.

Instead, however, Shinra just let out a playful laugh as he stood up. "He's probably just messing with everyone again. He just does all this because he loves all the attention, don't you think?"

Shinra looked down at Shizuo, his smile wide but giving away nothing of his true intentions. Shinra's words were strange, but Shizuo didn't dwell on it too much. He only shrugged, standing up as he walked out of the room, Shinra following suit.

"Well, I'll see you around!" Shinra bid, his hand waving for practically a minute. Shizuo shook it off as his eccentricity, waving his own for a quick farewell.

Shizuo flopped onto the couch, his arms spreading out. Upon hitting the sofa, he felt something hit his hands. Picking it up, he noticed that it was Izaya's phone. Shizuo grinned as he stuck it between the cushions, somewhere where no one would find it, but if they decided to track Izaya, it would just lead them back here.

Shizuo closed his eyes as he began thinking. Shinra was probably the only one he had to worry about, since he was the sole person that truly cared about Izaya. The raven's sisters never saw him every day anyway; sometimes, he would go as long as a month without speaking to them. That was more than enough time for Shizuo to get him and Izaya out of here.

He smiled at the thought. He and Izaya would finally, truly be together. It was all he ever wanted. Since he was a kid, he just wanted someone by his side, someone to love him and someone he could love. Growing up, he thought about finding someone with crimson hair, thinking that would be the most realistic trait. He wanted to find someone that reminded him of his parents every time he looked at them, and red had always been the first thing that came to his mind when he thought about _that night._ Finding Izaya with his vermillion eyes was practically a sign; what were the odds of getting someone with that eye colour?

They were meant for each other, no doubt about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops! sorry for the delayy!!
> 
> its just nearing the end of the semester and works pilling up--im sure you guys know how it is :)
> 
> ill try updating within days, but some updates might take a while...but expect a wait no longer than a week!
> 
> ((p.s. in case you havent noticed yet, im really bad at proofreading...sorry bout that))


	28. It'll All Make Sense

  
"Izaya, you need to eat, please."

Shizuo frowned, his hands pushing the plate towards Izaya. He had taken the handcuffs off, instead tying one of Izaya's arms to the pole—as well as his torso with rope—so he could eat with the other. He tried making it as comfortable as he could while ensuring there was no way for Izaya to slip through the ropes, but it seemed like Izaya wouldn't listen to him no matter what he did. At the moment, his head was turned to the side, refusing to even look at Shizuo. It hurt Shizuo, but he knew Izaya was just freaked out, so he tried his best not to take it to heart.

Currently, Izaya wasn't eating anything. It was the second day of Izaya being down here, which meant it had been a little over twenty-four hours since Izaya had last eaten. It seemed like his escape plan was to starve to death.

Letting out one last sigh, Shizuo brought his hands back from the plate. "Listen, it's not poisoned or anything. I don't want you to die, that would be awful, and you're already too skinny for your own good."

Izaya stubbornly stayed silent, but he looked Shizuo's way, a fierce glare on his face. Shizuo thought it was better than receiving no response.

"Come on, look!" Shizuo picked up the plate, pointing at its content, hoping to entice Izaya into eating it. "It's fatty tuna, your favourite. You can't say no to that."

Izaya eyed the fish. While he may not usually eat a lot, Shizuo knew that his hunger was taking a toll on him, which was why Shizuo decided to buy the fish, even though it made him dig even further into his savings. It was worth it though— or would be, but only if Izaya actually ate it.

"Izaya, just—"

The plate fumbled in his hands as Izaya's arm shot out. Without even realizing what he was doing, Shizuo sent a glower Izaya's way. His hand caught Izaya's far too pale one, trying his best not to tighten his grip too hard.

"Listen, here, Izaya. I'm trying to be patient, but you're really testing me," he growled out, letting his anger get the best of him as he reached for the fish. "You're going to eat this."

"And what if I say no?" Izaya finally spoke up, his eyes full of defiance. He sounded so tired and Shizuo felt the guilt fill his guts all over again. He only held the plate towards Izaya, who tried kicking it out of his hands this time.

Shizuo had enough of this. He snarled as the hand that was holding Izaya's was freed, his fingers landing on Izaya's face instead.

"I told you," he hissed. "You need to eat."

When Izaya showed no signs of compliance, he squeezed Izaya's cheeks, forcing his mouth open as he tried pushing the fish in. It took him a minute to realize what he was doing, and once he came back to his senses, he immediately let go of the other's face, pretending he didn't hear the curse that left his love's mouth.

"I—" His voice trailed as he placed the otoro back down. What was he doing? He wasn't a monster—he wasn't. He was trying to show Izaya that he loved him. A glance at Izaya's face with reddened cheeks told him he was going to need to spend even more time convincing him now.

His face grew apologetic, his hand reaching out for Izaya's face again, but this time to caress it. At Izaya's slight flinch, he drew back his hand.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, Izaya," he apologized. "It's just been a rough few days. First, my brother, and then you not trying your hardest to even try understanding— I just got a little frustrated. I shouldn't have done that."

Izaya was still looking away. Shizuo could tell he was biting the inside of his cheek. The same cheek that was reddened by his brute force. Shizuo averted his attention, his eyes landing on the ground in front of him.

"I'll leave this here, okay?" Shizuo set the plate right by Izaya's limp fingertips. "I'll let you be alone for a while. You can have some time for yourself. How does that sound?"

There was still no response.

Shizuo stood up with a sigh. "I'll be back in a bit, then."

He turned around, walking towards the exit of the room. He felt hatred for himself running through his veins. Why was he so stupid?

_I swear, Izaya, I'm able to love you properly. Once we get over this hardship, you'll see just how much I love you, and just how much you love me. It'll all make sense._

_—_

Shizuo glowered at his reflection. He had never hated himself more than at this moment. He already felt so guilty for making Izaya sleep in such an uncomfortable position, and his conditions were only going to get worse. Izaya hadn't asked to use the bathroom yet, but Shizuo knew that when the time came, Izaya would be furious with him since the blond wasn't planning to leave his side. It was degrading, he knew that, but he couldn't risk Izaya intentionally hurting himself or finding something to use against Shizuo. Izaya was sneaky like that, so he had to keep watch.

Shizuo flopped down on the closed seat of the toilet, his head leaning back against the tank as he stared up at the ceiling. Izaya hated him at the moment, that hurt Shizuo the most. He just wanted Izaya to be happy with him, but why was it so hard?

For now, he stayed where he was. Izaya needed some time alone, and Shizuo wasn't worried about Izaya somehow escaping. Even if he managed to get out of the ropes, the basement door was locked. Besides, Shizuo was right upstairs.

He grimaced, knowing that Izaya probably felt disgusted when he looked at Shizuo's face. He would definitely slit Shizuo's neck if he had the chance. Maybe if he was given some time to cool down, he would get over his initial resentment. Izaya was just panicked. That would pass. _It would._

He checked his phone for the time every few minutes or so. When fifteen minutes had passed, he deemed it okay to see Izaya. That should be more than enough time for him to finish his meal, Shizuo thought.

He opened the basement's door, shutting it behind him as he locked it with his key. Shizuo knew he shouldn't have the key on him, but with Izaya tied up, he didn't think he had much to worry about.

"Izaya?" he called out, slowly making his way to the figure on the floor. He frowned at the sight of Izaya; he really needed to get him a bed. "Are you done eating?"

When he looked at the plate, he felt himself relax the tiniest bit. Most of it was done, which was a lot more than he was expecting. Izaya probably didn't have much of an appetite, which made sense, especially after Shizuo's show of anger.

"Yeah," Izaya answered, which made Shizuo jolt. He hadn't been expecting Izaya's voice, let alone a reply. The lack of hostility in his voice was even more surprising. "I ate as much as I could."

"I'm sorry, Izaya," Shizuo blurted out, sitting down in front of him, but maintaining a distance lest Izaya got hysterical. "I really didn't mean to— I was just frustrated and I—"

"It's all right." Izaya smiled softly, and Shizuo would've thought more about it, had Izaya not continued to speak. "But you mentioned something about your brother, right? What was that about it?"

Despite still being in a shocked state, Shizuo answered, not wanting this opportunity to go to waste. "I— Yeah, he died a few days ago."

Shizuo didn't bother elaborating, and Izaya didn't ask him to. The raven's smile fell instead. "That must be rough. I remember you speaking so passionately about him when I asked you about your motivations."

"Huh?" It took Shizuo a minute, but then he remembered when Izaya first met him and the assignment he asked Shizuo's help with. "Oh, right. I was actually speaking about you, you know?"

He cursed himself as soon as the words left his mouth. He hoped Izaya didn't freak out again. He should've just let him believe that it was about his brother. Now he looked even more like a stalker, which he _wasn't._ He was trying to convince Izaya he wasn't, and saying what he just had wasn't going to help him.

"Oh," Izaya faintly said before the corners of his lips quirked up again, his head tilting in a way that softened his features. "That's sweet."

"Huh? Why—"

"I've been thinking about it," Izaya interrupted, a lilt to his tone. Shizuo was forced to listen; he wasn't sure if he could turn away even if he tried. "You have no reason to apologize."

Shizuo's mouth fell agape, his confusion all over his face. This seemed too good to be true. "I don't—"

"You don't. I always wanted someone who would tend to my every need. It's...nice to have someone who cares so much," Izaya explained, the look in his eyes seeming so genuine. "I'm sorry I got so violent."

Shizuo grinned, feeling happy all over. The past couple of days had been terrible. This was the moment he was waiting for. Izaya understood everything and he accepted him. Shizuo had never felt so relieved and ecstatic before. He ignored the nagging in his mind telling him it was too early for Izaya to fully comprehend everything, especially with the way he had acted just fifteen minutes ago. Instead, without a moment of hesitation, he hugged Izaya's tied body, his arms wrapping around the ropes.

"You're so perfect, Izaya!" he exclaimed in his love's hair, his nose nuzzling into the soft, raven locks. "That's all I've been wanting to hear."

He could feel Izaya's one free arm embrace him back as it wrapped around his shoulders. He pulled away to see Izaya smiling up at him. Shizuo was fine with simply looking into his eyes, but it seemed like Izaya wanted more. He pushed his head towards him, his mouth hovering by the blond's before he planted his lips on Shizuo's.

Shizuo didn't even try resisting. Izaya was so enticing, he couldn't let himself walk away even if he wanted to. Just the thought of Izaya wanting to be with him made him giddy. _Izaya wanted Shizuo_. He was pulling Shizuo closer and the latter let him, feeling Izaya's hand travel its way up Shizuo's neck and to his hair as one of his legs rubbed the side of Shizuo's waist gently, but hard enough to drive Shizuo mad.

Izaya pulled away, but before Shizuo could protest and bring him back into another kiss, Izaya leaned forward, his mouth right over Shizuo's ear. He didn't say anything at first, only letting Shizuo lose himself at the sounds of his quiet breathing.

"Untie my other hand, Shizuo," he finally whispered. Shizuo felt a shiver run down his spine at his voice and the use of his full name. His hands around Izaya's roped body tightened. "I can do a lot more with two."

"You— I," he stuttered out as he tried thinking of a coherent sentence. He couldn't even take his arms back from the alluring man. Instead, he stayed where he was as he recollected his thoughts. For a second, his fingers trailed over the back of the ropes to rip them apart, and he felt Izaya smile teasingly by his ear. It took all of Shizuo's self control not to tear the ropes. He had to think rationally, but it was hard with the way Izaya was looking at him.

"Don't you want to see what I can do?" Izaya asked in the same low tone that made Shizuo. crazy. "How long have you been waiting?"

_He doesn't love you._

Shizuo finally pushed himself a few feet back, trying to push the annoying thought away. He forced himself to look to the side, knowing he would only get trapped again if he even glanced at him. The past few scenes replayed in his head, flashing suddenly and almost unbelievably. It was all so sudden. He wanted to believe Izaya accepted him, but what if he rethought about everything and deemed Shizuo crazy? He really hadn't had enough time to think things over.

_He could never love you._

"I— I can't. Not yet," he managed to say through gritted teeth, the voice inside his head only getting louder and more vicious. Through his peripheral vision, he could see the way Izaya's smile fell, his face confused. Shizuo hated that he was the reason why Izaya was upset, but he had to do this.

"I don't get it," Izaya admitted a moment of silence later. "Do you not trust me?"

_He doesn't trust you._

"What? No, that's not it!" he tried reassuring, returning his attention back to him. "I just don't want you to suddenly change your mind. I just want to be certain that you're okay with everything."

Izaya's face grew desperate. "Shizu-chan, I told you, I already thought it over and—"

"Just for a little while longer, Izaya." Shizuo tried his best giving a soft look to calm him down. "It'll be fine. I'm sorry I have to put you through all this. I just don't want all this going to waste. It'll be worth it, in the end."

"Shizu-chan, come on. I've been—"

_This is all fake. Think about Tom and everyone else who was just using you to_ _mess with_ _you. They're all out to get you, Izaya isn't any different._

"Just listen to me, Izaya." Shizuo let himself scoot a bit towards the tied man, his hand reaching for Izaya's cheek as he felt the skin with his thumb. "I'm just thinking about what'll be best for us in the long run. You're studying psychology, you should know all about the fickle mind."

That had been the wrong thing to say, he knew that, but Shizuo was getting frustrated. It was stupid to mock Izaya like that, and the flash of anger behind Izaya's eyes only proved it. The irritation was gone as quickly as it came as Izaya let out a sigh. Shizuo was glad he didn't take too much offence to Shizuo's patronizing words.

"Listen, I've—"

_You're nothing but a monster to him._

"Shut up!" he yelled finally, unable to brush aside the voice. He felt one of his hands snake up to his hair, clutching it as hard as he could.

A minute later, he realized it was quiet— too quiet. Looking up, he found out that Izaya was startled, staring at him with a bewildered expression. Shizuo felt guilt wash over him once again. 

"Not you, Izaya," he tried reassuring, his eyes still downcast. "That wasn't meant for you—"

_Now he really thinks you're crazy_.

"I said, shut up," he growled, closing his eyes as he tried to concentrate on the things he physically heard— the things out of his head.

"Shizu-chan?"

Despite all the taunting the voice was doing, he could still hear the concern in Izaya's voice. He had no doubt Izaya was worried. That thought was enough for the paranoid voice to go away.

"Are you—"

A loud crash interrupted Izaya's words. Shizuo turned his head towards the source, which seemed to be coming from upstairs. He silently cursed under his breath as he stood up, deciding to put his full attention to the task at hand. Turning towards Izaya, he gave him a kiss on the top of his head, patting down his raven hair.

"I'm going to go see what that was, okay?" Shizuo crouched in front of him so he could look him in the eye. "I'll be back."

Shizuo made to get up, but Izaya's free hand shot out, grabbing his shoulder. There was some kind of desperate look on his face, but Shizuo wasn't sure what he was pleading for.

"Hey, wait—"

Shizuo gave a reassuring smile, squeezing his hand one last time. That seemed to get Izaya to calm down. Shizuo stood up, walking towards the bottom of the staircase. As he made his way there, there was another loud sound. He paused in his walking as a loud pair of footsteps rushed down the stairs. Shizuo glanced around the basement for anything that he could use as a weapon. Nothing seemed good enough, and it was too late to try and find something. That was fine; it wasn't like his fists wouldn't suffice.

He caught sight of a shadow walking down the steps slowly before he saw who it was. He stared at Shinra in shock, wondering how he, of all people, managed to find their location and bust down his doors.

His face grew angry at the sight of him, his fists clenching as he got ready to punch the glasses-wearing man. He thought he already dealt with him, but if he needed to silence him in another way, Shizuo would gladly do it.

_Izaya probably called him somehow to get away from you._

"What're you doing here?" he snarled, annoyed that the voice was back. At least it wasn't as bothersome as before. He could hear nothing through his anger as his teeth ground against each other, taking a menacing step forward.

Shinra jumped a bit at the threatening voice, holding up a knife. Shizuo nearly scoffed; his hand was too shaky to actually do anything. Besides, a knife wouldn't be enough against Shizuo.

"I knew you were lying," Shinra explained. "You had some kind of reason or explanation for every one of my doubts. I told some of my contacts and they got suspicious, too. They managed to track down Izaya's phone."

_Izaya's phone. He really did try leaving._

Shizuo thought about it. He was too caught up in trying to convince Izaya that he loved him, that he forgot all about his phone— or rather, the number of phones Izaya had. Shizuo grew frustrated at himself. How could he be so _stupid_? He stupidly believed that just because he hid the phone he found in Izaya's house, they would be safe.

 _Stupid,_ he cursed himself, the voice long gone, but his self-loathing decided to make its return at just the right time. _The dumbest mistake anyone could ever make._

He decided to ignore his moment of idiocy for now. He couldn't do anything but get rid of the consequence. With his fists ready to strike, he began walking towards the trembling man. He only got as far as a step before another figure was in the basement, standing beside Shinra.

"Celty?" He stared in shock and confusion. He was hurt by her betrayal, even if they weren't the best of friends. Suddenly, everything made sense; Celty recently getting engaged and Izaya complaining about Shinra's love for his fiancé— he really was stupid for missing such an obvious hint.

All the hurt he felt was washed over with his anger. Izaya finally saw that he loved Shizuo, and these two were trying to separate them. They were trying to take all the progress he made with Izaya away, but he wasn't going to let them— not after all he and Izaya had been through.

He no longer needed a proper weapon. Glancing at the couch, he picked it up with a growl. He held it over his head, glaring at Shinra who only stared at him in shock. Shizuo took his distraction as the perfect opportunity, hurling the couch at him. Shinra snapped out of his shock, jumping out of the way at the last second. He skidded across the floor before he set his feet by the wall, walking along it. Shizuo was confused before he realized he was trying to get to Izaya.

He would've beat Shinra senseless, not stopping until there was no more life in his eyes, but Celty stood in front of him, and Shizuo's rage redirected from Shinra to her. He didn't even think about their friendship or any of the moments that they had talked together. He swung his fist back before sending it her way. She dodged, jumping back.

A rustling sound found its way to his ears, and he spun around, finding the ropes around Izaya cut as the raven rubbed his wrists. He was looking down, so Shizuo couldn't tell what it was he was feeling. His attention was back on Celty after something hit his head, but he didn't bother trying to find out what it was. Instead, he found a mini fridge and picked it up with a grunt.

For a moment, neither of them moved. He didn't know what she was thinking, but he wasn't reminiscing about their talks or anything. He was just gathering all his anger in one place, so when he threw the fridge at her, it would hurt.

He made to throw it, and he would've let it out of his hands if it weren't for the loud noise upstairs. Multiple pairs of feet sounded the basement as they ran downstairs. Great, Shizuo thought as he glared at the newcomers. This was just what he needed.

_Of course, they're here. The one time I didn't think about them and take cautions, they show up._

The Yakuza stood in front of Celty, their hands up as they pointed their guns at Shizuo. Sozoro stood in the middle, an angry expression full of hatred on his face. There were two others beside him, but Shizuo wasn't as focused on them. It made sense that these were Shinra's contacts. How else would someone like Shinra be able to track him down?

"Stay where you are," Sozoro threatened, raising his gun for Shizuo to get a better look at it. Shizuo ignored him as he took another step. The sound of the safety being undone made him stop. Sozoro's glare was unwavering as the barrel of the gun mocked Shizuo.

Shizuo felt some weight on his arms, and that was when he remembered about the mini fridge over his head. He ignored their warnings, shifting the object in his hands so he could get a better grip of it. He snarled with a smirk, tilting the fridge back as he got ready to throw it.

But then a bang sounded the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. important note below regarding the murder of george floyd. normally, i try to avoid speaking about things like this here, but this needs as much awareness as it can get. 
> 
> originally, it was over a thousand words long, but i decided to just highlight the important information.
> 
> as of yesterday, the four policemen involved have been charged, but that doesn't mean that racism's ended. continue (or start) to sign petitions, watch/read/ listen to educational movies/shows, books, and podcasts. you don't have to donate if you can't, but recently, a youtuber (zoe amira) uploaded a video that you can stream. money made from that video will be donated to several charities. if you stream it, please ensure that you don't mute it (turn the volume low instead); turn adblockers off; and if you rewatch the video, please watch four to five other random videos (they can't be the same five each time!).
> 
> things won't change until we do something. in the past few years, there have been at least three victims that were murdered by the police with the last words "i can't breathe."
> 
> please. educate yourself. check yourself. reflect on yourself. be aware.
> 
> i'm not black, but i see you.  
> i'm not black, but i hear you.  
> i'm not black, but i mourn with you.   
> i'm not black, but i will fight for you.
> 
> say their names. know their stories. black lives matter.


	29. Adieu, Mon Amour

Shizuo felt nothing.

At first, he wasn't sure if it was because of his unusual body. He thought about bullets before and always wondered how they would affect him, but he never knew the pain would be nonexistent.

When he looked at the three men, though, they seemed confused as they glanced among one another. He glimpsed down at his body to check for any wounds or bleeding but saw nothing. That was when he knew he didn't get shot. Those three couldn't have pulled the trigger, not with the way their guard suddenly dropped as they wondered where the sound came from.

It took Shizuo moments to realize it came from behind him. He set the fridge down on the floor beside him before he turned around. He was fully expecting to see a gun in Shinra's hand, a hateful expression on his face. He would've loved to throw the fridge — and more — at him, especially since he was the reason for this chaos, but he couldn't risk throwing anything at him lest Izaya got in the way. What made him freeze in shock was the pistol in Izaya's shaky hands.

The sound finally registered through Shizuo's mind, and he realized that it wasn't a shot. Staring at the end of the barrel, he knew the gun was Shinra's. It was probably more for show than anything, because clearly, it wasn't loaded. He glanced at Shinra, and with his outstretched hand reaching for the gun, the blond knew Izaya must've taken it out of his own accord.

The sound of the gun hitting the ground brought Shizuo's attention back to Izaya. Izaya had let go of it in favour of bringing his hands to his mouth. Shizuo could see the disbelief on his face, and he was sure his own expression wasn't too different from Izaya's.

He wondered why. Why would Izaya shoot him? It was obvious Izaya didn't want to, so why did he? He was just opening up to Shizuo— finally beginning to accept him and his actions. They would be together at last, so why did Izaya try to kill him?

_It had always been a lie._

In a daze, with all his confusion and questions, he took a step towards Izaya, his eyes pleading for an answer. It had to be out of panic. It had to be thoughtless. It couldn't have been because Izaya wanted to harm him.

He tried making his way to Izaya to coax some answers out of him and to take away the fear from his eyes, but the three men didn't let him. He felt a bullet go through his back, and then another. A third shot made its way into his body, and he was sure of it this time. The sound was different and he felt something pierce his skin, but that was it. He didn't feel a crumbling kind of pain or the blood seeping through his shirt. Guns really didn't do much to his body; how lucky he was.

It may not have done anything to physically harm him, but it made him angry all over again. He felt irritation prickling his skin instead of pain, and that led him to, once again, pick up the fridge without a moment of hesitation. He almost threw it, and he would've— he wanted nothing more than to crush all of their skulls. He would've given them the feeling of something worse than death, but Izaya's scream of desperation made him pause everything.

Quickly, he turned around again to make sure Izaya was all right. He would destroy anyone that tried to get Izaya.

When he turned around though, Izaya seemed fine, but he had somehow gotten his hands on a knife. The worried look on Shinra's face told him Izaya had snuck into his pockets again, just like with the gun. Shizuo didn't think it was possible to hate Shinra even more than he already did. What kind of idiot would make the same mistake twice, especially when it involved Izaya?

Izaya was standing, albeit a lot wobbly, probably from not moving his legs after so long. He was holding out his arm and pointing a switchblade towards it, right near his veins. Shizuo panicked, his eyes widened as he stared at the tip of the knife pressed against Izaya's skin, threatening to make him bleed.

"I'm going to slit my wrists," Izaya declared through gritted teeth. Shizuo was stunned by the look of hatred in his eyes, wondering how Izaya suddenly wasn't on his side anymore within just a few minutes. "If you don't put that down."

_He was never on your side._

Shizuo was still so shocked. He forgot all about the heavy weight in his hands. He would've put it down since he didn't want Izaya to hurt himself, especially so hazardously, but he knew how much of a coward Izaya was. He wouldn't do it. Shizuo wanted the knife away from Izaya, he would never let Izaya touch anything sharp ever again once this was all over.

He stepped towards him to calm him down, but Izaya only took a step back, pressing the blade of the knife to his skin. Shizuo's breath hitched and he nearly screamed, but luckily, Izaya missed anything vital. It still drew a lot of blood— too much for Shizuo's liking. Shizuo couldn't help but stare at the crimson flowing out. It wasn't the same as it was when his parents died. It felt different. He didn't feel as if the red were some kind of reminder of them. Instead, he felt dread fill him at the sight, and it felt as if it were some kind of weapon against him. It would only be a reminder of the cause of his loss. From this point on, the deep red would only bring up memories of this night, of Izaya's betrayal.

_"Do it, monster."_

The words from his recurring dream haunted him at that moment. He never knew it was possible to harm Izaya, but it was now obvious that he didn't have to be the direct cause; he could still hurt him.

Shizuo's eyes landed on Izaya's, and he found the same red staring right back at him intensely. Shizuo didn't move from where he was, only silently begging Izaya to stop, hoping the two of them could leave the wretched place unscathed and nothing like in his dream. Izaya was glaring at him harshly though, a promise in his eyes. Reluctantly, he set the fridge down and straightened up, waiting for Izaya to toss the knife aside.

Izaya didn't. The tip of the knife went form his wrist to his neck, and Shizuo nearly ran over to him to knock it out of his hands. The only thing stopping him was the red from Izaya's wrist slowly dripping onto the ground mockingly, reminding him of what happened the last time he defied Izaya's orders.

"Get on your knees. Hands behind your head," Izaya ordered, his voice strained, but Shizuo couldn't tell if it were because of the knife to his throat or because he was betraying Shizuo. It was probably both.

_It can't be both. He doesn't care if he betrays you._

Shizuo didn't move at first, just willing the voice in his head away. He couldn't even move if he tried. It all felt so surreal and his gaze was stuck on Izaya, the love of his life, who was threatening to harm himself just so he could stay away from Shizuo. It made no sense and he was so confused, but it seemed like Izaya wasn't going to let him try and figure it out. His eyes narrowed at the blond.

"Now!" he screamed and Shziuo jolted out of his shock as he dropped to his knees as quickly as he could. He didn't want Izaya dead; he couldn't think of a life without him, and he couldn't imagine Izaya hurting when Shizuo could've done something to prevent it.

He put his hands behind his head, glancing up at Izaya carefully. For moments, nobody moved. Shizuo forgot about everyone else; it was only him and Izaya. Shizuo was so lost and confused and he just wanted Izaya to tell everyone else to leave so Shizuo could hold him in his arms. He would never let go— never let anyone even think about touching Izaya. Izaya would never be hurt ever again, he promised to himself.

Eventually, Izaya brought the knife away from his neck with slow hands. He walked towards Shizuo, who was still bleeding from the bullets in his back. He didn't feel them. They weren't important. The only thing he could focus on right now was Izaya.

Izaya crouched down before him, his faces inches away from Shizuo as his face grew anguished. He bit his bottom lip, averting his gaze from the blond every few seconds before finally fixating his eyes on Shizuo's. 

"Why would you do this?" he asked in a voice just above a whisper, the distress clear in his words.

Shizuo could tell he wanted to raise his hand and caress the blond's cheek. Shizuo could see it in the twitch of his hands. Even though Izaya didn't, he could practically still feel the tips of his fingers against Shizuo's skin, pressing softly and holding him lovingly.

"Because I love you," he answered without missing a beat, not a doubt in his voice. He thought Izaya knew that— he thought Izaya loved him back. He said he did, he said he understood everything just moments before Shinra decided to break in. Why was he acting like this?

_He doesn't love you._

"No, you don't." Shizuo made to protest, feeling perplexed at everything Izaya was saying. Izaya didn't let him speak as he continued on. "This isn't love. This is a— an obsession or some kind of situation you've created to appease your lonely self and to prove your superiority. That's it, isn't it? You just want to have power over someone."

"Izaya, that's not it," Shizuo argued, unable to hide the hurt he felt. "I really do love you, you know that. After everything I've done for you."

"And what exactly have you done for me, Shizuo?" Izaya asked, and when Shizuo's gaze dropped down to Izaya's lap, he found Izaya's fist clenched. It wasn't like Izaya to lose his composure so quickly, no matter the situation. He must've been a lot more freaked out than Shizuo originally thought. Maybe that was the worst mistake he had made; thinking Izaya would just accept everything with blind eyes so easily. If he gave Izaya more time to adapt and understand, would things be different?

Shizuo decided not to dwell on it for too long, choosing to instead convey his affection with his eyes and smile. He wasn't sure if telling Izaya the complete truth was a good idea at the moment, but he had a wild guess that if Izaya knew of all the things he had done— the good, the bad, and the dirty— he would see things from a different light.

"Everything," Shizuo confessed before he could change his mind. "From when I first saw this insecure man walking down the streets and into a coffee shop. I saved you, Izaya. Don't you see? Shiki wasn't good for you, so I got rid of him. You can't even deny it; you found me interesting from the beginning, didn't you?"

"You were a completely different guy back then." Izaya bit the inside of his cheek as he tried keeping his gaze on Shizuo, but he was having some trouble with his shifty eyes. "If I had known you were crazy, I never would've gotten involved the way I did."

"I'm still the same person, Izaya. I may not be the same angry guy you thought I was, but look at me...I'm still the protozoan you always called me." Shizuo brought one of his hands down from the back of his head, reaching for Izaya's as he gave it a squeeze. "I'm still the guy you love."

_He doesn't love you._

Izaya tried pulling his hand back, but Shizuo only held it tighter. Izaya's face made it seem like that didn't affect him at all. "No, Shizuo, you don't get it. You faked who you were completely. I barely recognize you."

Shizuo's smile faltered. "Izaya—"

"Take a look around," he interrupted. "You can't tell me you see nothing wrong with this."

"I don't," Shizuo admitted. "I really don't. This is just me ensuring that you understand that you still love me."

"I—"

Shizuo shushed him, lifting their intertwined hands and pressing Izaya's hand against Shizuo's chest, just over his beating heart. Shizuo felt his lips stretch from one ear to the other. "See, Izaya? My heart beats for you and only you. Without you, it would just flatline. You mean this much to me. Do you get it now?"

_He doesn't love you._

Izaya said nothing, only searching for something in Shizuo's eyes. The voice was really getting to Shizuo, so he took his hand from Izaya's after noticing that he had tightened his grip. Instead, he took that hand and his other from the back of his head and brought them around Izaya, embracing him as he felt the other relax in his arms. Shizuo felt himself calming down too. He knew that somewhere in Izaya's mind, the raven was aware of how he truly felt about Shizuo. Izaya felt a sense of security with him, which was how he was able to calm down so easily. Shizuo just needed to, somehow, lure those feelings and thoughts out. If they were exposed so openly, Izaya would have no choice but to believe them. 

At his sudden movement of hugging Izaya, he could hear the men shout, but they didn't shoot. They could've known that it would be pointless when Shziuo still seemed so perfectly fine even after having three bullets go through his back, or maybe they didn't want to risk shooting Izaya. It could've been any of those two reasons, or maybe even Izaya telling them to stand back with the look on his face. Shinra might've given them a shake of his head, telling the armed men to give the pair a minute. Whatever the reason, they left Izaya and him be, and Shizuo was glad for once as he tried thinking of what to do next.

An image filled Shizuo's head, one he hadn't thought of in a while. He was suddenly on the kitchen floor, crouching by his mother as his tears fell into her wound. She was bleeding and there was blood spilling out and his tiny hands couldn't do much to stop it. His father was on the floor, his lifeless body draped on the tiles as Shizuo could only stare. The crimson he had learnt to love from that day was now his biggest enemy. 

Shizuo grimaced at the thought, shaking it out of his head as he tried thinking of an idea. He had a feeling Izaya and he both weren't going to leave together. Shizuo would either be in handcuffs and then in a cell, or he would bleed to death. Maybe, he would've managed to kill everyone in the room, but that would only lead to Izaya threatening to harm himself again. They wouldn't be together. His arms around Izaya tightened.

_He doesn't love you._

Shizuo was going to make sure he did. He had to. He couldn't just leave Shizuo, not like this. The voice only provoked him further.

"Die with me, Izaya," he whispered quietly enough to keep everyone else from hearing. His hand caressed Izaya's back when he felt him stiffen at his words. He expected him to be confused, but that was fine. Everything would make sense soon enough.

One of Shizuo's hands travelled down Izaya's back and towards his arm. He took the knife from Izaya's limp hand, the weapon easily slipping from his love's grip. Shizuo was surprised that Izaya didn't even try to resist, but it was understandable; Izaya was scared and afraid, and Shizuo was going to do everything he could to punch the fear out of his love's eyes. It didn't belong there. It shouldn't grow when Izaya looked at Shizuo. That was so wrong, but Shizuo knew he had to deal with it for now. Well, for the next few minutes.

When he looked at Izaya, he saw him frozen in shock and fear. Shizuo frowned when he saw his expression. While Shizuo knew Izaya was scared, it was different to actually see it. He used his other hand fo gently rub Izaya's back to reassure him and calm him down.

"It would all be over soon," he murmured, unsure if Izaya even heard. It was loud enough for the two of them to hear, but because of Izaya's state of shock, he was probably too out of it to process his words properly. It didn't matter; his voice alone was probably enough to soothe Izaya's worries.

He took Izaya's wrist, the one that was harmed, and let his thumb rub the soft skin. He then traced over the area where the blood was still coming out but now slowly. Izaya flinched at his touch, and Shizuo knew that it hurt, but it was all fine. He wouldn't be in pain for too long.

His fingers coated red with Izaya's blood and he glanced back up at Izaya, smiling at him. Izaya only stared at him with a bewildered look, his mouth agape as his mind attempted to make any coherent sentences. Shizuo nearly laughed at Izaya; he always had to talk, didn't he?

Readjusting the knife in his hand, he pointed the tip towards Izaya's stomach before plunging it in. He felt Izaya's breath stutter, and tried shushing him, the hand on his love's back going up to his hair, playing with it soothingly.

Normally, Shizuo would've been upset. He would've rather died than inflict any kind of pain on someone he loved. This was different though. It was just a small price to pay for their eternal happiness. Izaya would see that soon enough.

"I love you so much, Izaya," Shizuo confessed, grinning at the thought of them finally being together. "You could never understand just how much you mean to me."

Shziuo heard footsteps, and when he looked up, he saw Shinra rushing towards them. Shizuo only held Izaya closer, pulling him towards his chest as he growled at the man coming at them. No one was going to take Izaya away from him, not anymore. He and Izaya were going to spend the rest of their lives— and afterlives— with one another.

The footsteps paused, but Shizuo didn't look up. He kept his eyes down on Izaya, who was looking at him with half-lidded eyes. It seemed like he was struggling to keep them open, and Shizuo brought a bloody hand to them, prompting them to close before brushing a strand of his hair away from his face.

Something went through his head. He didn't know what it was, but it was a stinging feeling. He was barely able to register Izaya's voice in his mind. Izaya let out a half-whimper, half-scream as he tried sitting up, using Shizuo's arms as leverage. He clutched the back of Shizuo's head with his own blood-covered hand, and that was when Shizuo realized he was shot in the head.

Shizuo kept his smile for Izaya, trying his best to reassure him. "It's okay. It'll be okay," he tried saying. "We'll be fine because we'll be together."

He was glad for his body being strange. It kept him alive long enough to see Izaya finally close his eyes. He watched Izaya slowly fall limp into his arms as he lost consciousness. Only once he knew that Izaya wasn't awake anymore did he let himself fall forward, falling onto the ground. He made sure to keep his arms tightly wrapped around Izaya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...oops. sorry this is late.. and sorry about...the ending? 
> 
> im kinda excited about the title to be honest so im just gonna explain it real quick. so the direct translation is "farewell my love", right? ye. so theres no hidden meaning behind mon amour, but adieu? im sure many of you know it and use it, but in french, its actually not used as often. the literal meaning of adieu is "until god" or "to god" or something along those lines. adieu is only used when youre not sure when youre going to see the person again, so you say "until god"...which basically means "ill see you when we're both dead". you get it? so like shizuo secretly doesnt know when hes gonna see izaya again, if that makes sense. i dont know, i just thought it was kinda cool. this is why its important to know the culture of the language youre learning loool imagine trying to sound cool and you say adieu to a native speaker and theyre just like ?? i dont know ill stop now
> 
> but eeeeh one more chapter <3


	30. The Other Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya! firstly, sorry for the delay :/ secondly, this chapter is 10 000+ words (i tried shortening it), so you might wanna read it when youre more comfortable. i dont know, just thought some people would wanna read this when they had more time :)
> 
> also, im gonna put this here instead of the end notes because this is really really important !! in my city, less than fifteen minutes away, a nbpoc, old man (whose first language wasn't english) was having a mental crisis and had a butter knife in his hands. three white policemen yelled at him twice to put it down and then shot him several times. i know we're focusing on the blm movement right now— and i would never want to compare such important issues— but i wanted to bring light to the common factor between the two for those that dont get it:: the police is the problem. acab. defund the police. there are some resources in my bio that i would recommend that you check out to support the blm movement and to end racism. this is so important and i dont think people realize how often this happens near them- i live in a city where people of colour are the majority and theres still stuff like this happening. 
> 
> sorry to kill the mood, but this is so important and i think people still dont understand :/ but please, enjoy the final chapter of this book!

  
Izaya pushed the door open to the café, feeling a sense of nostalgia at the smell. It felt normal, just like any other day, except there was one difference. Looking ahead, he found a blond man standing behind the counter. He smiled at the newcomer; his angry scowl seemed promising.

Izaya walked to the front, giving his most neutral grin. He didn't know how he wanted to play with him just yet, but with the rage the other was giving off, he knew it would be nothing short of fun.

"Hi," he greeted, noticing the other give his attention to him. "You seem new."

Izaya went on as he normally would when ordering here. He introduced himself and felt victory when he got a response out of the other man. He seemed like a guy of few words. Despite his rage, Izaya didn't feel like he would be too interesting. He just seemed like another guy who was angry at life.

That was until Shizuo let out a growl.

"You piss me off."

Those words caught Izaya's attention. He felt a challenge coming from the other man, one he would accept. It was too good to pass off.

So, with the flick of his wrist and the coffee landing all over Shizuo's shirt, he laughed. He knew this was only the beginning.

—

Izaya was back, conversing with Shizuo again. The angry barista, yet Izaya could see something behind his rage; it was like he lived with a purpose. There was something he was fighting for, Izaya knew that. He had seen that look in so many of his beloved humans' eyes.

He wasn't prepared for Shizuo's smirk or the coffee landing all over his own shirt. He was too distracted, wondering what it was Shizuo was devoted his life to.

He took a step back, hands in the air as he eyed the brown liquid staining his shirt. Looking back up, he felt a bit vulnerable, but he wasn't going to show that— not to anyone, and least of all, whoever this guy thought he was.

Despite his confusion, Izaya felt himself staring at Shizuo in a bit of awe. It was unexpected of him— It was interesting, exactly what he loved toying with. He was amused, he could feel himself getting excited.

As the man apologized sarcastically, Izaya narrowed his eyes. This really was going to be fun.

—

And Izaya was back. Of course he was. Shizuo was just so interesting, no one like he had ever encountered before. Izaya wanted to know everything— what made him angry, what calmed him, what motivated him. All those questions led him here, sitting across from the blond. He told him he needed to interview him for an assignment, one he fabricated in order to get some of his answers. Izaya knew Shizuo wouldn't suspect a thing, which was why he went on with his plan.

Still, this was proving to be a lot more difficult than he thought. Either the man was purposefully avoiding his questions or he was too stupid to figure out what he was really asking. From observing Shizuo for a few days now, he could conclude that the thick-skilled protozoan just didn't understand what the questions really meant.

With a sigh, he averted his gaze, his eyes landing on the people outside. He didn't want to give away his life story— or any parts of it— but he didn't think Shizuo would understand it otherwise. He quickly weighed the advantages of his choice before finalizing his decision. It wasn't like Shizuo would use the information against him. Maybe with someone else, he wouldn't have told them, but there was something about Shizuo and the way his eyes glazed at random moments that made Izaya desperate to unravel everything.

"I used to not get up in the morning," he started, keeping his words to the bare minimum. His words would fly over Shizuo's head, or so he hoped.

—

Izaya knew Shiki would be upset, but he had to do this. He couldn't live properly with his men always hovering over his shoulders. Shiki had to know that— he had to understand somehow.

"What do you mean _protector_? Do you mean you want him to be your new guard?"

Izaya's face fell the slightest bit at Shiki's words, but he was soon smiling again. He grabbed onto Shizuo's arm playfully. "Well, of course! It's why I brought him here."

"You're trusting him more than Sozoro? You think replacing Sozoro—"

"Hey, no one's replacing anyone." Izaya was upset. Why did Shiki not trust him and his decisions? It was always like this, but he hoped for once, it would be different. Shiki needed to get over himself.

Shiki sent Shizuo and Sozoro away, and the look Shizuo briefly gave him, as if he were assessing Izaya's safety, lifted Izaya's spirits a bit. He had a good sense of judgement, he knew that. He just wished Shiki did too.

"Don't make any impulsive decisions," Shiki hissed as soon as the door shut. Izaya stared at him with a questioning look. It wasn't much of a hiss; it was like he was trying to say it in a soft tone, but he wouldn't stand for whatever Izaya was going to do.

Izaya may have been considerably younger than him, but he wasn't a child. he didn't like the way Shiki was speaking to him and he was going to let the older man know.

They argued for a few minutes, but it was all futile. Izaya knew Shiki could see the anguish on his face and the desperation and everything he was trying to get across. It stung a bit to see him dismiss it so easily.

—

Izaya looked over his shoulder quickly before reverting his focus back to the streets in front of him. He wondered how he would get rid of the men pursuing him, but he knew Shizuo would help him out. He didn't know how to explain it, but whenever he looked at the blond, there was a look in his eyes— one Izaya didn't fully comprehend, but it made Izaya feel safe, in a sense. He didn't know why, but he let the feeling go fo now.

He ran into the café, grinning at the scowl on Shizuo's face. He jumped over the counter, hiding behind his body.

"A few friends of mine are on their way right now. Fun, right? You're welcome, I just gave you free advertising!"

And then the men barged in, one of them running towards the pair. The man landed in Shizuo's grip and Izaya smirked, watching Shizuo beat them all in a matter of seconds.

"What do you think you're doing, huh?"

Izaya's eyes were stuck on the way Shizuo punched them. He could see it; there was a fire in his eyes. He was a monster, a beast. He was so dangerous, and Izaya couldn't help but let himself draw closer to him.

He was mesmerized with the look of sheer rage on Shizuo's face. He was so angry, and for what? These men had tried to attack Izaya, and Shizuo got mad. He was genuinely upset that someone had tried harming Izaya.

It was weird. Shiki was never the one to physically harm someone for him. He always just sent one of his men to do his dirty work, so to see Shizuo do all this for him made Izaya feel genuinely appreciated in a sense.

He tried, he really did, to not let the scene affect him, but it did. Everything Shizuo was saying was flying over his head, the only thing he could focus on was the look in Shizuo's eyes.

"I told you I would protect you."

When was the last time someone wanted to protect Izaya? Shiki did, he knew that, but when was the last time they proved it to Izaya?

Shizuo handed home his usual coffee and he hid his smile behind it. "I didn't think you would get so angry for me."

—

Izaya was frustrated, flipping his cushions one over another as he pushed his hair out of his face. He had lost his phone— the one he used the most— and couldn't seem to find it. He looks everywhere, and apparently, _Find My iPhone_ wasn't helping at all.

He hit his forehead against the cool glass of his window, his eyes landing on his humans below. Normally, he would be ecstatic to watch them, but he wasn't up for it. He just wanted his phone.

It wasn't even like the phone was that important. It didn't have anything valuable on it, he made sure of it. He just didn't like the idea of something happening that he didn't know about— especially when something happened to his things.

It was getting hot, so he opened the window, and as he did, he caught sight of the ground right below. Something glinted in the sun. He was curious, it was his nature, so he made his way down, fully expecting to see nothing but broken glass.

Next thing he knew, he was staring at what he thought was his phone. It couldn't have been it, could it? It was, though. It was his phone case and everything.

It was in pieces, as if someone deliberately smashed it. Glancing up at his window, he came to the conclusion that he couldn't have dropped it. Even if he did somehow make such a mistake, it wouldn't lead to the state the phone was in.

He picked up the pieces as he tried figuring it out. Did someone steal it and try hacking into it? Maybe, but then why would they return it? It made no sense.

Walking back up to his room, he dwelled on it. Maybe he did drop it and some people thought it would be funny to step over it. It was possible they crushed it underneath their feet by accident, but what were the chances.

Eyeing the pieces, he sighed. He was tired; he would figure it out later.

—

Nothing made sense.

Izaya sat in front of the shed, glaring at its broken remnants. He wasn't crying, and he wouldn't. If he did, he would get distracted.

Shiki wouldn't have been drinking and driving— he wouldn't have. Somebody had to have killed him. He was a part of the Yakuza, he had enemies. Someone had to have staged this.

He crawled to the shed, ignoring the glass piercing his skin. He had to find something that would show him the truth. _Why_ was everything so out of place? Why didn't any of the pieces match?

"Izaya?"

"Not now, Sozoro," he dismissed, throwing a plank of wood to the side. "Don't you see? This is clearly a set-up. You know him, he wouldn't have been so stupid."

"Izaya." He felt a hand on his shoulder and briefly stopped his search. "Let me take you home."

"I can't," he argued, shrugging the hand off. "Something happened, I know it did. I'm an informant. Why can't I figure this out?"

"There might not be anything to figure out, Izaya." Sozoro's hand caught his arm, lifting him up. Izaya let him reluctantly. "You haven't eaten properly in days. This isn't healthy. Do you think he would've wanted you to be like this?"

"Something happened—"

"He made a mistake and he paid the price," he interrupted, dragging Izaya out of the abandoned park. "You're full of grief. Your mind's fabricating something so absurd because you don't want to accept his death."

"But Sozoro—"

"Listen to me, Izaya." Sozoro held the car door open for him, a gentle smile on his face. "I knew him too. It's hard to see him go, but you have to understand that things like this happen. People aren't always so predictable."

"Something just feels really off—"

"That's just you trying to cope. Now, come on, I'll get some men to investigate this scene for you, and if something shows up, we'll tell you," Sozoro explained, a gentle smile on his face.

Izaya nodded as he got in the car, oblivious to the fact that Sozoro had already scouted the place and found fingerprints that led to Shiki's murderer.

—

"Keep pacing like that and you'll end up digging yourself six feet under."

Shizuo spun around, and that amused Izaya. Really, he had been watching Shizuo for a few minutes. It was strange, but weirdly endearing. He could only guess what was on the blond's mind, and if Izaya were correct, it was cute.

He noticed Shizuo staring blankly at him. He snapped his fingers in front of the other's face, straightening up to get his attention. "Hey, if you wanted to stare, all you had to do was ask."

"You're beautiful," Shizuo whispered out.

Izaya froze. Shizuo just called him beautiful. _Why?_ he wondered. Shizuo couldn't have been serious. He knew that Izaya was still trying to work with Shiki's death. _Maybe he just meant it in a friendly way_? Izaya was probably thinking too hard into it, he had a tendency to do that.

He still felt his cheeks grow warm. "Stupid Shizu-chan. Are you ready to leave for a few hours?"

—

Izaya was surprised as he sat across from Shizuo. Russia Sushi was his favourite, and it was strange that Shizuo took him here. It couldn't have been a coincidence. Something was up, Izaya knew that. Shizuo couldn't have just gotten lucky.

"Guess you really didn't have it in you after all, eh?"

He kept their conversation going though. He just had to be more on guard with him around, which wasn't too hard to do. For now, he just teased Shizuo as the latter tried some Otoro. The look on his face eased Izaya a bit.

"It isn't for everyone, I suppose."

—

They left the restaurant together, but the outside air was much colder than it had been earlier. Izaya rubbed his hands together, hoping to warm himself up for the almost-night winds.

Izaya raised a brow at Shizuo, wondering why he was so quiet. He didn't even need to ask what was wrong since Shizuo began speaking on his own.

"It's a shame there are so many people around to see—"

Izaya tilted his head. People? Why were they a problem? Izaya felt a tinge of his suspicion from earlier prick at his mind. He shoved it down, thinking none of the two situations were related.

"Shizu-chan?" Izaya called out. Shizuo was quick to dismiss everything. Izaya knew better as he tried to get the other to speak up. Shizuo was hiding something, he knew he was. He just didn't know what.

Shizuo then gave a lazy smile. Izaya wished he hadn't spoken at all. "The lights shine on your face real nice, you know?"

There it was again. It couldn't have been flirting. Izaya was just thinking these absurd thoughts because he was grieving. Shizuo was probably just complimenting him, which was normal for friends and acquaintances— even strangers. There was nothing wrong with Shizuo saying Izaya looked nice.

That didn't stop the hairs on Izaya's neck from standing up.

"Shizu-chan's really weird."

—

Izaya was at the coffee shop with Shinra by his side. Shinra hated coffee, so Izaya had to make him try some of Shizuo's. Besides, he wanted his only friend to meet his new one. It was weird to consider Shizuo a friend, and he still didn't fully trust him, but with the way Shizuo spoke and acted, Izaya didn't think it would take long for him to gain his trust.

"You have to stop doing that, it's not very nice." Izaya rubbed the sore spot on his forehead from Shinra flicking him. He then caught sight of a new pastry, one that had an interesting name. "Ooh, what's that?"

Shizuo took one out and handed it to Izaya, the strange smile back on his face.

"It's a coffee cookie," Shizuo told him. "You seem to really like coffee, so I asked around, and the manager agreed that it would be a great idea."

"You asked around?" Izaya hesitantly questioned. He didn't know what to feel. Shizuo was probably just being nice, which was sweet because not many people would take time out of their day for him. Still, maybe it was because he spent so much time dealing with humans that he felt like something was off by the look in Shizuo's eyes. It was hard to tell, especially since he didn't think Shizuo was human. He was unpredictable; anything he learnt from his humans was practically useless against Shizuo. So he shrugged it off.

—

Izaya felt himself grinning as he and Shizuo headed home from the flower garden. He was hesitant to bring Shizuo here, at first, but all his doubts flew out the window as he thought about Shiki. Izaya really had been wanting to come here as a way to still be near his late boyfriend, but he knew he couldn't come here alone. It was too much.

He was glad Shizuo was with him, and he wanted him to know that. "I just want to say I... appreciate you coming along with me. I know it's weird, but I don't know what I would do without someone with me. I think it actually helped—"

"There's nobody like you, Izaya," Shizuo interrupted.

Izaya stopped everything he was doing. There it was again. He wasn't an idiot, he knew something was up. He didn't talk to many people, he didn't know what was normal. It couldn't have been more than just friendly talk though, especially after Izaya was talking about his dead boyfriend and everything.

However, as Shizuo's warm hand landed on Izaya's cheek, his thumb caressing his skin just like Shiki had, Izaya knew it wasn't just the way two people spoke.

He didn't let Shizuo speak, instead slapping his hand away. He was pissed. There was a certain place and a certain time for things, and even though Izaya didn't know much about appropriate timing, he knew Shizuo was worse.

He felt betrayed in a sense, which was stupid. He didn't trust Shizuo; he was just someone Izaya kept nearby because of how intriguing he was. _So why did Izaya's chest feel like it was collapsing?_

"I can't believe you," he whispered, ignoring the stinging in his eyes. They weren't tears. He was just angry as he glared at the blond.

—

"What are you doing here, Shizu-chan?"

Izaya would've been lying if he said he wasn't happy by Shizuo being here. He had been thinking about this for so long, waiting for Shizuo to tell him that he had been wrong and was just overreacting. Izaya was desperate because he only had a number of people he felt like he genuinely felt close to, and he, unfortunately, concluded that he may have actually liked having Shizuo around.

"Tea," Shizuo blurted out, his hand stretched towards the raven. "Thought you might've gotten tired of coffee."

"So why would I like tea?" Izaya questioned, crossing his arms. He was confused, but surprised. Izaya preferred tea over coffee any day, and it was strange that Shizuo knew that, just like he knew about Russia Sushi.

"I wasn't too sure which tea you'd like, or if you even liked tea, so I just chose the one that smelt the most like you."

Izaya couldn't help but laugh at that, the previous suspicion slowly slipping from his mind as he stared at the cup. How beastly of Shizuo, he couldn't help but think. _How sweet of him._

_—_

He had told Shinra everything. Luckily, Shinra kept his loud mouth shut, listening to everything carefully. When he did finally speak, it was probably the only thing useful that had ever left his mouth.

"You should post about the café!" he suggested. "Then, he would be so busy, he wouldn't have time to bother you."

It really was a good idea. Izaya felt himself smiling. He did need some space from Shizuo. It just felt like the blond was everywhere and knew everything.

It was weird; he felt so wary of him sometimes, but the cautious feelings that would rise would only be diminished twice as quickly. He was trying to think rationally, but it was hard with the fond look Shizuo always gave him.

He decided to give them some free advertisement.

—

"You girls ate that quickly?" Izaya asked, a brow raised. He wasn't surprised, to be honest; they always ate like savages. "Aren't you eager to play?"

"You didn't visit last weekend!" Mairu complained. "You haven't been visiting as often for the past few months."

He felt guilty at that. He didn't tell them about Shiki's passing, but he figured they somehow already knew— or had the impression that Shiki wasn't going to be in their lives anymore. He hated that he didn't get to visit them, but he just couldn't. He felt like he couldn't do anything when he first heard the news.

He smiled at them, hating how easy it had gotten to lie. "I had to study for exams."

—

"So, what's up with you two?" he asked as he served them breakfast. It was the morning after their wonderful game night with Shizuo, but he still had questions. He knew Mairu punched Shizuo, he just didn't get why.

"He was bothering us!" Mairu informed, shaking her head. "We don't like him!"

"You don't?" He was ready to cut off all contact with Shizuo if he made the girls feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable. He may not have been brother of the year, but he couldn't bring himself to keep around a guy who made his sisters queasy.

Before Mairu could say anything, Kururi spoke up. "Fine."

That got him even more confused. "You think he's okay?"

Mairu was staring at her sister, bewildered. "Wait—"

"Perfect."

At Kururi's smile, Izaya felt himself relax. Mairu probably just didn't like the idea of their brother hanging out with someone else. He knew they cared for him and were probably just looking out for him. He was glad to see that Shizuo wouldn't be a problem.

With a grin of his own, he nodded. "Okay."

—

"You want a coffee? Go buy a damn coffee. I'm on break," Shizuo grumbled. Izaya laughed as he slouched in his chair.

Izaya felt himself smile. "I was hoping you'd be a nice—" _gentleman and make coffee for me._

And then he was back to frowning. He was doing it _again._ Did he ever learn?

"Can you stop?" Izaya jolted at Shizuo's voice. "I'm tired of your bull. You're so afraid of nothing! Stop thinking that everything you say is going to be misinterpreted. I know it's my fault, but goddamnit, this is getting _tiring._ When did you ever start caring about what other people think of you, huh?"

Izaya stared, surprised at being called out like that. He didn't think Shizuo would ever speak up against him, but he was wrong. Shizuo really was unpredictable, and Izaya couldn't find it in him to hate it. The way Shizuo spoke made it seem like he paid attention to Izaya and his habits. Izaya thought about all his suspicions— how Shizuo conveniently knew his favourite drink and restaurant— and dismissed them. Shizuo was just surprisingly observant, something Izaya hadn't noticed before.

"Shut up, stupid protozoan."

—

"How long have you been sitting here?" Shizuo asked as he sat down beside Izaya on the grass. Izaya had been hoping for Shizuo to show since he had to talk to him. Technically, he didn't have to, but he tried telling himself otherwise.

"Not long. I was waiting for you actually."

"Hm?"

"I'm not going to be here at all next week."

Izaya kept his attention away from Shizuo, refusing to look at him. He didn't have to tell Shizuo, he really didn't, but some part of him felt obligated to. For some reason, some irrational part of his mind was telling him that if he suddenly disappeared, Shizuo would throw a fit and maybe destroy the city. Izaya refused to admit it aloud though.

He gave some random explanation from the top of his head, something to make Shizuo believe that he didn't actually care if he knew or not. Izaya wanted him to; he wanted Shizuo to say goodbye to him and tell him that he would be waiting. Izaya wanted to come back to someone.

Shziuo was saying nothing, even as Izaya waved his hand in front of his face. He sighed as he stood up, giving the blond one more glance. He didn't know what brought the shocked state onto him, but he knew he didn't have much time to hang around. He just wished Shizuo would say something.

Izaya walked away slowly, hoping Shizuo would call out for him. He didn't.

—

Izaya was back from his one week leave. He smiled as he thought about his encounter with the blond earlier today at the coffee shop. The thought of Shizuo's smile sending warmth throughout his body. In the one week he was gone, he thought about everything. He hadn't gone anywhere fancy, just flew from city to city as he tried to gather his thoughts. Everything then just became clear— as if it were obvious from the beginning.

"Izaya, are you sure about this?" Shinra asked a bit hesitantly.

Izaya looked to him, giving a reassuring smile. "I spent a week contemplating, trust me. Why do you seem so against this?"

Shinra shook his head as he looked away with a sigh. "It's nothing."

"Something happened, didn't it?"

"No," Shinra refuted. "It's just...a bad feeling, you could say."

Izaya took his words into consideration. It could be Shinra just being his weird self, but something was wrong. Still, Izaya shook it off, not wanting to be in another questioning state.

—

When he walked into the park, he found Shizuo laying on the grass. Izay felt his palms grow sweaty, but he lied beside the blond anyway, ignoring the nervous feeling building up in his stomach.

"Fancy seeing you here, Shizu-chan."

When Izaya looked into Shizuo's eyes, he felt a lot calmer, but he still couldn't bring himself to speak up. He didn't know why he was being so hesitant; it was obvious Shizuo was infatuated with him, so Izaya had no reason to be fearful.

"Something on your mind?"

Shizuo's voice cut into his thoughts. He couldn't tell him at this moment. Instead, he stood up, his fingers sliding over Shizuo's. If he couldn't verbally tell the protozoan, maybe giving a few hints would make it easier to.

He walked away, refusing to look back.

—

He couldn't get it out of his mind. He had to tell Shizuo, and it didn't matter how afraid he was of whatever it was he feared. _He knew what it was though. He didn't want Shizuo to be taken away from him either._

He knocked on the door, the blond opening up with confusion all over his face. Izaya refused to think about what he was doing. Instead, he grabbed Shizuo's collar and pulled him forward, kissing him.

When he pulled away, he felt the rush of embarrassment. He didn't know what to say anymore, and Shizuo wasn't helping with how silent he was being. He firmly kept his gaze away from the blond.

He snuck a glance at him and found a smile on his face. Izaya felt better about that, his own lips quirking up. No one could take Shizuo away, it was impossible; he was a monster— he had seen it first hand. Everything would be fine.

With those final thoughts, he decided to explain himself.

And then Shizuo spoke.

"You want to come in?"

With that mere sentence, Izaya felt everything crumbling. Shizuo liked him— he did, he knew that. Shizuo had given him so many compliments before.

_"You're beautiful, Izaya."_

_"The lights shine on your face real nice, you know?"_

_"You tryna seduce me with your money?"_

But all those comments had something to do with his body, didn't they? Now, Shizuo invited him in, too, right after Izaya finally gave the response the blond was looking for. Did Shizuo actually like him or did he just want to sleep with him?

He looked away, not knowing what to think anymore. "I'll see you, Shizu-chan."

He felt everything fall apart when Shizuo didn't call after him.

—

Izaya had been thinking about their encounter last night, and he probably just overreacted. Now, when he thought of the looks Shizuo gave him, he saw nothing but affection. At that, Izaya felt a glimmer of hope that maybe Shizuo wanted _him._

That led to him being here. Currently, Izaya looked through Shizuo's closet, his fingers lingering over some of the clothes before he moved on. He knew Shizuo would be at work, so he decided to come to his apartment and do a little snooping. He was bored and didn't have school anymore— this was the next best thing.

He found a hoodie and smiled, pulling it over his head. While he generally didn't like the idea of wearing other people's clothes, he didn't feel repulsed with Shizuo's. It was like some kind of form of comfort while the blond was away. It felt like Shizuo was with him.

_God, this is so bad_ , he thought, turning around as he made his way to the dresser. He found some extra pair of sunglasses and put one on. _We just got together a day ago and I already sound like I'm in love._

He didn't need these thoughts, he needed coffee. With one last glance in the mirror, he went to the kitchen and searched Shizuo's cabinets for some coffee mix. Eventually, he was able to make a cup for himself.

Barely an hour had passed before Izaya was watching Shizuo drag his feet into the apartment, sitting on the couch and closing his eyes. Ignoring the fact that he was here instead of work, it was so strange to see him like this—someone who was always so angry and loud was now quiet and exhausted. It didn't suit him, and Izaya hated to admit that he didn't like Shizuo feeling down.

Izaya didn't think Shizuo knew of his presence, so he spoke up. "So this is how the beast lives in his den."

Shizuo asked questions about his being here. Izaya either lied his way past them or he answered extremely vaguely. They then got onto the discussion of lunch, which excited Izaya. He didn't exactly like to eat, but he enjoyed cooking, which led him to find something he hadn't seen in so long.

"You have cake-mix!"

Izaya didn't remember his childhood too much, if he were being honest. It was all the same— twins, school, sleep. When he had time, he hung out with the twins, and they liked being in the kitchen. Often, they baked, and it all started with cupcakes. He could still remember how blue they had been on their first attempt.

Ignoring the questioning glances, he began making the cupcakes. If Shizuo wanted to protest, he would've already.

He noticed Shizuo staring and held back a smile. "Are you going to help or just watch like the creepy monster you are?"

Luckily, Shizuo agreed to help stir the batter.

"It's mixed."

Izaya was beginning to feel playful as he worked his way under Shizuo's arms so the blond's arms were almost wrapped around him. It felt oddly nice, and Izaya didn't think he would enjoy something so domestic. Yet, here he was.

—

Izaya waited for Shizuo as he sat on the ground, a couple bottles of vodka in front of him. This was a terrible idea, he knew that, but he had some questions he had been wanting to ask, and he knew he wouldn't get answers any other way. His problem with "Never Have I Ever" was that Shizuo could ask him anything, too.

One bad idea followed another. He just meant to take a few sips to calm his nerves, one sip turned into two, and two turned into three. Before he knew it, he felt his cheeks flushing. He tried sobering up a bit with some water, but that didn't seem to do much.

Before he could make the decision of leaving, he heard the front door opening. _Great_ , he thought as he watched Shizuo come into view, a grimace on the blond's face as soon as he saw Izaya.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Eventually, he got Shizuo to agree. It all started easy; Shizuo wasn't asking any terrible questions, so Izaya thought of that as a good thing. Then it was his turn and he asked the question that had been plaguing his mind for so long.

"Never have I ever killed someone."

Shizuo's reaction was interesting. Izaya could see his struggle to keep his face neutral, but that was more than enough for Izaya to realize that something might've been off.

Still, the game continued on. It was all working in Izaya's favour until Shizuo made a statement that promised nothing but an argument.

"Never have I ever had a thing with any of my teachers."

Izaya laughed as he played it off as nothing _because it was nothing._ He really hadn't done anything; he purposefully failed a test and then asked his teacher to change his mark for him. All he had done was look at him in a certain way and that was the end of it.

"Of course you did something to your teachers," Shizuo mumbled.

"Technically, I didn't really do anything. I just wanted to see what would've happened if I asked to raise my grade in a low voice, you know?" he tried explaining, but he noticed the doubt on Shizuo's face. That hurt more than it should've. Why was it so hard for Shizuo to believe him?

Izaya shrugged it off, blaming his sensitivity on the alcohol. Instead, he smirked as they continued the game.

"Never have I ever stalked someone," he said in a knowing voice. He really didn't know, it was more of an educated guess. He heard Shizuo's breath hitch, and Izaya knew Shizuo wouldn't be getting out of this one.

"It was in high school. I went through their Instagram. Deleted my account right after."

It was a lie, but Izaya would deal with it later.

—

He dealt with it the next morning.

"So, Shizu-chan was a pervert in high school."

"I am _not_ a pervert."

"Oh, I'm sure you aren't," the raven mocked, knowing Shizuo didn't believe him. "So, tell me the story."

Shizuo explained, but it was just more lies. Izaya didn't believe a single thing that came out of his mouth, but unfortunately, it didn't seem like Shizuo would tell him the truth. That was fine, Izaya would find out on his own later.

"Who's to say you didn't stalk me?"

Izaya really had meant it as a joke, but the way Shizuo stiffened at his words told Izaya something was off. Izaya didn't consider it as a problem at the moment; so far, Shizuo hadn't done anything obvious, so it couldn't be too terrible, or so he told himself.

He stood up, getting ready to leave. Shizuo kissed him before he left and Izaya understood why he was so quick to dismiss all of his doubts and Shizuo's flaws. 

"I can see it. You're messed up in the head. I like that. It makes me feel okay with my own crazy."

It was a mess. It was a terrible situation to be in. Izaya didn't think he could leave even if he wanted to.

—

Izaya was with Shizuo one morning. They weren't really doing anything, just talking to each other about trivial things. It was such a normal day, but it was only the calm before the storm.

"I'm going to use the bathroom," he announced, standing up.

He got to the bathroom and did his business within a couple minutes. As he was washing his hands, his eyes wandered on the things around the bathroom, using the mirror to look at things. On the ceiling, he noticed that a tile seemed to be misplaced. Turning the tap off, he stared up at it. That was suspicious.

He knew he was being ridiculous. It was probably just a tile broken because of the protozoan's rage. Still, Izaya was always too curious for his own good. That curiosity compelled him to stand on the toilet and reach up. He tried moving the tile back in place, only noticing that it was loose either way. It was meant to come out.

With no hesitation, his hand dove in, searching for something that the blond may have been hiding. His fingers brushed against something and he smiled.

He got off the closed toilet seat, setting the box down on the counter. He was expecting some indecent things— something he could tease Shizuo with, like a certain kind of magazine or something. What he wasn't expecting was a bunch of miscellaneous things.

He was confused as he reached for the first thing he saw. He found some pictures, and upon pulling them out, he felt his heart quicken. They were pictures of him. He felt himself freak out more by the second as he went through the photos before tossing them aside. The thing that scared him the most was the sleeping picture of him. He could recognize the bedding as the one at his sisters' place.

At first, this had seemed amusing. It wasn't. Pulling out the red toothbrush, he knew it was somehow related to him, he just didn't know how. It then hit him, the scenes of Shziuo offering him breakfast and a toothbrush and a walk all replaying in his head.

He dropped the toothbrush, taking a look at a tissue in the box. He really hoped it wasn't his snot or anything, that would be disgusting on a whole other level. As he untied it, he realized he couldn't figure it out. It looked like nothing to him. He assumed it was better he didn't know what it was.

He had to leave. Putting the stuff back into the box, he placed it where it belonged before he headed back to the living room. He could leave and Shizuo wouldn't suspect anything. He would leave and he would find a way for Shizuo to never see him again. He just had to get out of this godforsaken place, which shouldn't be too hard. If he acted normal, Shizuo wouldn't notice anything wrong. It would all be easy.

"I'm afraid my client's been bugging me about getting his information in. I'm going to have to leave my Shizu-chan early!"

Izaya stood up from the couch he was sitting at. Shizuo did too. Taking a step back, Shizuo reached for him, hugging his waist, and Izaya knew his pushes were doing nothing against the blond. It was all futile. He felt the weight of his knife in his pocket and frowned greatly at that. Even if he could reach for it, he didn't think he could actually stab Shizuo in any vital areas. He hated to admit it, but Shiuzo played him. Izaya couldn't harm him too badly, and unfortunately, a scratch wasn't enough to stop the beast.

"Don't worry." He heard Shizuo whisper. He felt nothing but hatred as he listened to his words. "I'm not going to hurt you."

Turned it out it wasn't that easy. He felt the world slowly slip away from him, but not without the final thought of how much he hated Shizuo for putting him in this situation.

—

When he woke up, he didn't open his eyes. He was angry and couldn't think properly. All his thoughts revolved around the question _why._ Looking around, he realized that thinking of an escape plan was pointless.

Shizuo saw through his act of pretending to be unconscious, calling him out, and Izaya knew there was no point in continuing.

"Izaya."

He hated that voice, but he still wanted it to tell him just how much Izaya meant to him. He hated the blond coming closer to him, but he still wanted him to hold Izaya tightly. Izaya hated him, but he still wanted Shizuo to love him.

As he got closer though, Izaya kicked out vehemently. He couldn't handle Shizuo being close; he didn't know what he would do.

Before he knew it, he was spatting out whatever insult came to his mind.

"You're so deprived, you had to kidnap someone. I can see why no one gave you a chance."

"But you did, didn't you?"

He did, and he knew he would do it all over again because he would be too stupid to see any red flags. It hurt because he knew he was still willing to give him a chance if he got Izaya out of the handcuffs so they could speak normally— so they could go back to the way they used to be.

Izaya asked why Shizuo did all this. He needed to know— maybe he would understand something from all this craze. The answer Shizuo gave was the most disappointing thing Izaya had ever heard.

"I needed you to trust me first—"

He did trust Shizuo. He did and that was what got him here. After telling him everything— all his struggles and fears— Shizuo still did this.

"Shiki," Izaya whispered, coming to a realization. It was Shizuo. How could Izaya be so blind and let all of this happen? He was meant to know everything, but here he was. Izaya probably would've been more upset about Shiki if he weren't currently tied up in a basement.

Shizuo opened his mouth again, and Izaya cursed him for saying all the things he wanted to hear.

"I'll make you happy. I will show you just how much you mean to me."

 _And I want you to._ He didn't voice his thoughts on this. While his heart wanted someone to care for him as much as Shizuo was willing to, Izaya knew this was all stupid. It was messed up and he couldn't possibly ever live like this.

Shizuo stood up and got ready to leave, giving Izaya one last smile as he ignored all of Izaya's protests. Izaya despised that smile because it still managed to make his heart skip a beat.

—

Izaya stared at the plate of food with as much hatred as he could muster. Shizuo had tried to get him to eat, but he wasn't going to do anything for him anymore. He would rather starve than listen to him.

At the moment, he was alone, fortunately. He didn't know for how long he would be, but he would make as much use of it as he could. He decided to push all his anger and spite aside, focusing on what was more important: how he was going to get out.

There wasn't much he could, and as he gave a tug to the ropes, he knew he couldn't be the one to break them. With his one free arm, he could maybe reach for the phone in his jeans' back pocket since Shizuo had been too stupid to take it from him, but Izaya didn't want to risk taking it out just yet.

Instead, he decided to get Shizuo to rip the ropes for him, which wouldn't be too hard. Izaya just had to pretend like he actually loved Shizuo. It wouldn't be much of acting though; he just had to act like he wasn't disgusted by all this— that he wasn't disappointed or hurt.

He started with the food on the plate, glad that Shizuo ordered his favourite meal. He didn't have much of an appetite, especially with the way Shizuo had grabbed his face earlier, trying to force him to eat.

After some time, he heard someone come down the stairs. He took a shaky breath, forcing all his doubts and weariness aside as he put on a smile.

"Izaya?" Shizuo called out, and Izaya realized he really hadn't been prepared to hear his voice again. "Are you done eating?"

They talked as if Izaya weren't tied up. The raven kept down any hostility and rage he felt, being civil instead. He asked about his brother, hoping that would ease Shizuo into putting his guard down. Izaya fed him lie after lie of how he accepted him, and the smile Shizuo gave after he said all that was damning for Izaya.

Shizuo leapt forward for a hug suddenly, and Izaya tried his absolute hardest not to stiffen. He hugged back, and when Shizuo pulled away, Izaya knew there was only one way he could distract Shizuo's mind.

He kissed Shizuo, pulling him closer with his free arm to create a false sense of want— that was what Izaya told himself anyway. Izaya refused to admit that he didn't want to let Shizuo go.

"Untie my other hand, Shizuo," he asked in a whisper, hoping to entice him into surrendering. He felt some confidence rise when Shizuo's arms tightened around him, and when his hands grazed the back of the rope as if to tear them, Izaya felt himself getting hopeful. He couldn't suppress the smirk as he eagerly waited for Shizuo to rip apart the ropes.

But then Shizuo jumped a few feet back, looking away from Izaya, who couldn't help but frown. He was so close, but it wasn't enough. The disappointment he felt earlier came back tenfold.

He tried convincing Shizuo, but the other wouldn't relent, and Izaya felt the little bit of hope he had disperse into nothing.

"Listen, I've—"

"Shut up!"

And he did, staring at Shizuo with a bewildered expression. This was the second time today Shizuo had spoken to him like that, which was strange because he had never before. Then again, he was a completely different person then; one Shizuo knew Izaya would like. Izaya didn't know who the person across from him was.

"Not you, Izaya, that wasn't meant for you."

Izaya was confused as he watched Shizuo grow angry and desperate fast. Studying psychology, Izaya could tell that it was something in Shizuo's mind. Maybe it was his conscience? It was possible he knew it was wrong, but did this anyway. Whatever was happening, Izaya was worried, even if Shizuo did nothing to earn his concern.

"Shizu-chan, are you—"

A loud crash interrupted his words and Shizuo immediately got up to investigate. Izaya could only watch as he saw Shinra rush down and hold up a knife towards Shizuo. Izaya had never been so glad to see him before and he felt himself smiling widely. There was a chance he could get out here—away from all of Shizuo's crazy. The thought wasn't as appealing as he thought it would be; he didn't want to leave Shizuo, even though he knew he had to.

And then Celty was there too. He hadn't spoken to her a lot, but he knew she was doing this because her heart was like that; Izaya's constant teasing probably almost made her not come and help him. Izaya was glad he hadn't been so annoying to the point she wished the worst kind of suffering upon him.

In almost a blink of an eye, Shizuo effortlessly picked up the couch, and Izaya could only stare at it in awe. He had seen Shizuo break the countertop at his workplace, he had seen him crush a piece of the table once when they'd been out eating together, but he never would have thought that he could lift something as heavy as a couch over his shoulders.

Luckily, Shinra jumped out of the way as he walked along the wall. Izaya gave a desperate smile when Shinra crouched beside him.

"I'm sorry, Izaya," he apologized as he took a knife from his belt and cut the ropes. "I shouldn't have encouraged you to be with him."

"It's not your fault," Izaya reassured because it wasn't. Izaya would've pursued Shizuo anyway, ignoring every warning he got.

"But it is. I knew he was crazy....kind of," he confessed. "I knew there was something messed with his head, but I didn't say anything."

Izaya considered Shinra's words and sighed. It wasn't like he could do anything anymore. Instead, he silently looked down at his now free wrist, rubbing at the red line on his skin. He could figure things out with Shinra later.

Izaya heard a grunt and looked up to see Shizuo picking up a mini fridge. Izaya could only hope he would over exert his strength and collapse to the floor. How unlucky he was.

Nobody moved, and during that time, Sozoro and some other Yakuza men stood in the basement, their guns raised. Izaya really should've listened to his warnings, and Shiki's. Izaya felt himself frown at the thought; Shiki was dead because of him and his careless actions. Shiki would still be here if Izaya hadn't been so stubborn and stupid.

Whatever Shizuo and Sozoro were saying flew over his head. He could feel nothing but regret and anger, and he didn't know what to do with it. As if his hands had a mind of their own, he glanced at the gun tucked in Shinra's pants and pulled it out, standing up before he pointed it at Shizuo. He didn't think as he pulled the trigger. If he hesitated for even a moment, he would've dropped the gun instantly.

He had closed his eyes, unable to see the damage he had done. The heart was a terrible thing, and the mind even worse; one was what made him love, the other made him realize it. He had just shot the man he loved.

It was quiet, too quiet for something to have happened. Slowly, he opened his eyes just in time to see Shizuo turn around. He was alive and still breathing, and Izaya didn't know if he were relieved. Some part of him must've been happy because he felt a huge weight lift off of his chest as he dropped the gun.

He could see the disbelief on Shizuo's face as he made his way to Izaya, but Izaya couldn't help but force himself to ignore the obvious hurt on his face. Even if Izaya didn't shoot him, Sozoro and his men did. Three bullets were now in Shizuo's back and Izaya felt his world fall apart for the hundredth time that day.

The fridge was back in Shizuo's hand and he aimed it at the ones who shot him. Izaya felt conflicted; he, unfortunately, cared for every person in this room. He tried hurting Shizuo, but he wasn't thinking; he was now. He couldn't deliberately hurt any of them.

His eyes caught Shinra's, and before he knew it, he was holding the knife that had been tucked in the other's pants. He didn't have much time to think, which was terrible; he always thought out some kind of master plan that had no chance of failure, and if it did, it still worked out in his favour. Now, though, he didn't know what would happen.

He screamed Shizuo's name, but it was so full of distraught, he wasn't even sure if the actual syllables were audible. Still, it was served its purpose. Shizuo turned around.

Holding the knife to his wrists, he felt his hands trembling, and he wasn't even sure why anymore. He had always been a coward, but at the moment, he wasn't afraid of dying. He was just afraid of never seeing those brown eyes ever again.

"I'm going to slit my wrists if you don't put that down," he threatened, his eyes begging Shizuo to stop whatever he was doing before any more bullets found their way to him.

Of course, Shizuo didn't listen. Izaya pressed the blade to his skin, feeling no pain as his eyes stayed on Shizuo's. Luckily, it did seem Shizuo had some sick sense of affection for him. He set the fridge down, and as Izaya held the blade to his neck, he obeyed all of Izaya's other demands to sit down.

Izaya finally let out a sigh of relief, bringing the knife away from his neck as he walked to Shizuo, crouching down by him. He had so many questions, but he knew he wouldn't get any proper answers. He still tried because he wanted something to make any sense.

"Why would you do this?" _Why would you ruin everything?_

"Because I love you."

That was when Izaya knew nothing could've ever been right. They never could've lived happily. Shizuo would never be able to love him; he wanted to own him. That realization hurt more than when the tip of the knife went into his skin— more than any pain he had ever felt.

"I really do love you, you know that," Shizuo continued. "After everything I've done for you."

"And what exactly have you done for me, Shizuo?"

The smile Shizuo donned gave Izaya an eerie feeling. His words— explanation was crazy, but then he said something that caught Izaya's attention.

"I saved you, Izaya. Don't you see? Shiki wasn't good for you, so I got rid of him."

Shizuo thought he saved Izaya. He killed Shiki. Izaya didn't ask for any of this— he didn't need it. He wanted to believe he didn't need Shizuo either, but, even if Izaya refused to admit it, he was a sensitive person by heart. He didn't care for people, but when he did, he did it with all of his heart. He loved quickly; he loved strongly.

"I'm still the guy you love."

Izaya didn't know if it were true, but he didn't have time to really think about it as Shizuo's hand caught Izaya's, surprising the latter.

"No, Shizuo, you don't get it. You faked who you were completely. I barely recognize you."

"Izaya—"

"Take a look around. You can't tell me you see nothing wrong with this."

He didn't. It was pointless to argue with him, Izaya knew that now. He then felt a heartbeat and realized Shizuo had dragged his hand to his chest. He hated how fast Shizuo's heart was beating, and he hated how he wanted it to beat so fast because of him.

In a second, Shizuo's arms were around him. Izaya let him because some part of him knew this was probably the last time he would ever embrace Shizuo— the last time he would ever have such an affectionate gesture from anyone.

The silence only lasted for so long.

"Die with me, Izaya."

Izaya froze, feeling himself trying to push Shizuo away at those words. He knew he and Shizuo wouldn't leave together— he wasn't that delusional— but he didn't think Shizuo would kill him. After all, he had tried so hard to convince Izaya that he wouldn't give him any harm.

In a dazed state, he let his hand unclench, the knife slipping from his hands. He didn't mean to— he really didn't, but it was too late by the time he realized it. He could only stare at Shizuo as the other tried calming him down, gently holding onto Izaya's arm as he whispered reassurances.

"It will all be over soon."

Izaya wanted to believe him more than anything.

Shizuo's fingers barely pressed onto the wound on his arm, but only then did Izaya feel the pain. Izaya tried thinking of anything to say, anything to make Shizuo stop from what he was about to do. Unfortunately, it was all futile, and before he knew it, he felt a great pain in his stomach, his breath hitching as his own hand grabbed onto where Shizuo stabbed him, feeling the blood ooze out.

Shizuo's hands were in his hair, but Izaya didn't want to feel them. He didn't want to feel anything. He just wanted this to be a terrible nightmare and to wake up more grateful than ever— grateful for the life he used to have.

He was barely able to keep his eyes open, but when he heard another bang ring in the air, he felt himself straighten up. Shizuo didn't seem to notice at first, but Izaya paid no mind as he immediately grabbed the back of the blond's head in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding or to pull the bullet out. Anything. He wanted to be able to do anything. He had never felt more useless than at this moment with Shizuo's blood on his hands.

"It's okay. It'll be okay. We'll be fine because we'll be together."

It made no sense, and the more Izaya thought about it, the more he realized none of this had ever made any sense. He pushed all those thoughts aside, focusing on trying to stay conscious, but the blood loss was getting to him. The last thing he saw was Shizuo's smile. If he were to die, he wanted to at least be able to pretend that the situation was different; that Shizuo took a bullet for him instead of stabbing him. He wanted to believe Shizuo loved him, and for that moment, he let himself pretend.

—

There had been many unexpected events in Izaya's life, most of which he didn't really like, despite enjoying the unpredicted reactions of his humans. One thing that surprised him was loving someone like Shizuo; another was the blond's entire revelation of his obsession; the third was not being afraid of dying. That really shocked him, since death was always something that he couldn't handle the thought of.

One thing he never truly expected was to survive that day.

He could only remember bits and pieces, but he woke up, he knew that. Shinra's face had been right by his and he could still hear the underground doctor's scream of relief as he hugged Izaya.

Izaya wasn't sure if he were happy. Before all this— before Shizuo— he would've been able to say he had never been better, but now, after everything that happened, he wasn't sure about anything. 

He did know something though: Shizuo killed his own brother. There were fingerprints everywhere and he didn't even do a good job at hiding the body. The thought just made Izaya sick; it could've been him, he could've ended up hidden in a broken-down shed. Shizuo's mind was something else.

He pushed the thoughts aside as he eyed Shiki's grave, wondering how different things would've been if he had just listened to Shiki. He knew it was near impossible to think of a scenario where he actually listened to someone, but it was nice to dream. Izaya had been doing a lot of that lately.

He crouched down, his hand caressing the dirt as he tried giving a smile to the gravestone. He tried to imagine a life where he didn't need Shiki or Shizuo, a place where he was happy on his own. It was sad; he couldn't.

Instead of fabricating a life he could only ever wish for, he stood up, forcing himself to look away as he continued walking, stopping at another grave, one he didn't think he would ever see. 

_Shizuo Heiwajima._

He wondered. Why Shizuo? Of all people that had to die that day, why Shizuo?

Izaya knew it was a messed up thought. He wouldn't have wanted Shinra or Celty or Sozoro to die, but he could, strangely, imagine a life without them. Shizuo, though, had always seemed like he was there. Even if he had only been in Izaya's life for about a year, he had made such a great impact. Every time Izaya closed his eyes, all he could see was that stupid blond smiling at him or scowling or serving him coffee or trying Otoro. Then he would imagine him picking up the couch and then the fridge and then getting shot and then stabbing Izaya.

It was weird, but Izaya was sure Shizuo did it on purpose. He had made sure that Izaya would never forget him— would never be able to function properly without him by his side.

He sat down in front of the grave, his legs crossed as he placed the bouquet of red salvias on the dirt. He sat there for a minute, staring at the flowers blowing slowly by the wind. He sighed before he fixed his eyes on the gravestone ahead of him, a frown finding its way to his face.

"Stupid, Protozoan," he whispered. No one was around to tell him how crazy he was; no one was around to tell him how messed up this was. No one was around to tell him how wrong feeling what he felt was, but no one could say anything to clear his head. Even if Shizuo were dead now, that didn't mean Izaya suddenly lost all his feelings— feelings that made no sense. If anything, losing Shizuo only made him love the blond more. He remembered more of their happy times, and strangely enough, the couple of days he was kidnapped weren't the first thing to come to his mind when he thought of Shizuo. 

Right now, all he could do was keep his eyes on the gravestone and try to push down the longing he felt. He never felt so alone.

"You ruined my life," he muttered with a bitter smile, shaking his head. "And I hate that I want you here to ruin it more."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that concludes this story!
> 
> so thank you for reading <3 i know not everyone is happy with the ending.. and i'm sorry :/ but i'm glad you made it to the end
> 
> i just wanna say that my goal from the beginning had been to finish this fic by the end of the school year (june), and i did! but id never be able to finish this without quarantine :) so at least something good came out of that
> 
> if you liked my writing, i have some news :) i plan to publish two more stories soon... originally it was gonna be one, but i thought "hey people are in quarantine (i think).. why not help them figure out what to do" i don't know who's still stuck at home (i am!) but if you are, i wanna help. i know i don't do anything all day, especially since school ended last week, so i'll be writing :))
> 
> <3
> 
> (also, took me a minute to realize this, so im listening to my playlist and whatever-- and then the song the title of this book was taken from comes on! coincidence? i think not! haha but i think its a great way to end this book)


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